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Original poster

Nothing shows he cares like sending me out late in the dark

156 replies

Musicmay · 07/02/2016 15:02

So when it comes to taking the dog out over the park before she settles for the night my husband thinks it's fine for him to stay at home and make me go over in the pitch black. Bear in mind I'm the only one who takes her on decent walks every day (not an issue I love it) so its not a case of me not doing my fair share of taking her out.
Also on holiday recently we go back to the hotel after dark in a foreign country and had forgotten to buy something for our child. So he was on the phone sorting something out and refused to go. Said nothing like "take your phone so I know you are ok", nothing.

I honestly have never been with anyone before that would not worry in the slightest and actively tells me to go out in the dark, whethere its 7am or 1am!.
I've spoken to him about it but he does genuinely not get it. I actually feel like if he really couldn't care less about my safety I want to leave him!
Am I being precious or is this really not on?!

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 07/02/2016 18:07

Sorry, first sentence should read 'than a woman'. flu brain.

stressedcoversupervisor · 07/02/2016 18:13

I don't see the issue? I'd be massively offended if DP even so much as suggested I couldn't go out in the dark! As others have said, you can't have equality but then want to pull the "I'm a meek little woman" card when it suits.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 07/02/2016 18:19

My mum take her dog out at night and got a head light to see.

I think the deeper issue is that he is not pulling his weight.

Did you both decide to get a dog or was it your dog you bought into the relationship.

Binders1 · 07/02/2016 18:24

The issue for me would be why is it me all the time? Your shopping does sound lazy.

I went to a restaurant once with my exdp and when it came to paying it was clear he wasn't going to break a habbit of a lifetime and pay so I got my card out but then there was a power cut on the street and neither of us had any cash. The waitress suggested a nearby cash machine and he made no move to go so I did. The whole area was in darkness, I had no idea where I was or where to go and when I did eventually find a cash machine it wasn't working due to power cut. I was gone ages. When I got neat to the restaurant I saw the waitress in the street. She had got worried because she knew I didn't know where I was and I had been gone ages and was looking for me! The waitress was worried, not my exdp. I am very independent but you do get sick of it sometimes if you feel like there is clearly no consideration, care or concern about you. Nothing to do with equality.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/02/2016 18:32

I don't understand why you need a phone call whilst you're out. Why do you? I would have thought the phone would be for you use, to be able to ring if you fall down a rabbit hole and twist your ankle - or the dog runs off, etc.

Your OP sounds to me as if this is some kind of 'test'. It reads to me, 'I want to be treated as something very precious and special and if you don't do this thing for me then anything else you do it irrelevant because it is THIS thing that is the benchmark for me...'

You say that you work shifts so can't take the dog our earlier... can he? If not, it IS possible to stop one dog from digging holes in the garden, just go out with them and supervise - take it in turns perhaps? The dog has already had a good walk in the day with you so why make it an issue?

I'm trying really hard to understand your point of view but pulling the 'female' card really doesn't work for me and that is what I think you're doing.

Have you actually talked to your husband about this and let him know that you're scared of the dark? If so, then do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/02/2016 18:35

... and that excellent phrase, "Comparison is the thief of joy", it really is very true. You're not your friend and you're not married to her husband. Your husband is a different person and so are you.

I hope you can resolve this between you because saying that you want to leave him for this lack of care that is so apparent to you, sounds as if there are lot more things going awry in your relationship.

chelle792 · 07/02/2016 18:36

op i'm going to side with you on this one. I feel vulnerable out with the dog on my own at night.

My ex was never bothered and let me crack on with it. My husband doesn't like me out in the dark on my own. I don't blame him tbh. Who wants to put themselves in a potentially vulnerable position? We tend to go together

chelle792 · 07/02/2016 18:39

op i've sent you a pm

51howdidthathappen · 07/02/2016 18:46

Is not being afraid of the dark a manly thing, no men are afraid? and all women must man up?
I am not afraid of the dark. Never have been, nothing to do with whether a man, maybe or not.
I do accept some people are afraid/uneasy though.
I am afraid of big spiders. None of my partners have been. I am not about to make friends with them, on the basis that my fear makes me unequal. It doesn't, it just means I am afraid of spiders.

Chrysanthemum5 · 07/02/2016 18:47

My ex -H left me in the middle of town one night after an argument. We had just moved there so I didn't really know where I was going, and I didn't have my purse so couldn't get a taxi. I had to walk two miles home across a deserted park at 11pm. I got home and he wasn't even bothered about how horrible it had been for me. I should have taken it as a huge red flag.

I wouldn't be happy with a partner who didn't at least do his fair share of the night walks.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 07/02/2016 18:50

If anyone feels vulnerable going for a walk in a dark park late at night on their own, then don't do it Confused

Walk the dog up and down the road; let it into the garden; don't have a dog thay needs walking... but don't do it and then whine about it.

Xmasbaby11 · 07/02/2016 18:54

Wow Dh would never expect me to do that. If you're uncomfortable with it, tell him clearly and ask him to do it.

As others have said, he may think you're fine with it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/02/2016 18:55

I can't gauge whether OP is afraid of the dark or not? If she is, does her husband know that?

We all have different peculiarities; I love spiders, will have hysterics over moths.

Original poster
Musicmay · 07/02/2016 19:01

Ok so let me brace myself and increase the flaming. .. .

It's quite a quiet area and there are never any gangs around etc or any real reason to believe that a man (especially the size of my husband) would really be randomly attacked. I know there is always a possibility but chances are 1) they wouldn't take their chances and 2) he would handle himself a hell of a lot better than I could.

There have been a few reports over the years around here of sexual attacks on women. A girls from school was killed not too far from here and about 5 years ago my sister had a knife to her throat and the attacker tried to lead her to some ga rages but luckily she screamed as loud as she could and he ran away.

So basically what I'm saying is the chance of my husband getting attacked is very low but sexual attacks can take place anywhere, i wouldnt stand a chance and are most likely to leave alot more scars than a fight in which chances are my husband would come off better.

I'm not particularly running round scared and obsessed with these types of attacks but I do think that it's pretty sensible and not anti feminist to avoid going into secluded areas at times when there is a perfectly capable adult who has no qualms whatsoever about walking in the dark, purely just can't be bothered. And yes if he doesn't like doing something g I will go out of my way to make sure he doesn't have to do it. IE taking the dog on long walks everyday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Musicmay · 07/02/2016 19:03

And he knows I don't like it

OP posts:
Original poster
Musicmay · 07/02/2016 19:03

Gong to a pitch black secluded park that is

OP posts:
TheOddity · 07/02/2016 19:04

Well you can cloak it in his desperation to do right by feminism if you want to be deliberately obtuse like a lot of mumsnetters on this thread or accept he is lazy and doesn't feel he needs to pull his weight re. taking the dog out. You made it clear in your OP that this isn't confined to dog walks, he just genuinely doesn't give your safety at night a second's thought. Does he also not send messages to say he is ok when he has arrived somewhere after a long drive etc? I see these little checks as important demonstrations on love and thoughtfulness in a relationship too when they are genuinely meant. Can't make someone be thoughtful though, can you?! In your situation I'd just be forcing it into being his job at night if you are doing all the other walking, plus you deserve a break if you are about to do night shifts.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/02/2016 19:07

I won't flame you, OP, you obviously don't enjoy these nightly walks. Your husband obviously doesn't want to do them either so, what are you going to do?

Your dog already has a lovely long walk with you in the day so why can't you and your husband take it in turns to shove them out into the garden and supervise them to prevent hole-digging?

I think this is about more than the walks, it's about you wanting your husband to demonstrate something to you because what's the point of him calling you when you're out for a walk? Yet it matters to you that he doesn't do this.

I think you will have to just be very clear about your expectations and what you want from him.

lorelei9 · 07/02/2016 19:14

Music, re the incident abroad, was it urgent to get whatever it was? You say he refused so if you are telling us he couldn't be arsed getting medicine for his child, that would put a different slant on the thread.

Original poster
Musicmay · 07/02/2016 19:19

Lorelei it was food. I could have waited it out and made him go but it would probably have resulted in an argument. It was holiday and I couldn't be bothered. I can insist he does the dark dog walk but would have been nice for him to actually do it without me practically forcing. him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Musicmay · 07/02/2016 19:25

Thank you oddity. It is really the thoughtfulness that is missing.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2016 19:53

If you feel there is a serious threat of attack, then let the dog go in the garden and if she digs holes, it's a bit easier to fill those in the next day than it is to deal with the aftermath of assault.

DH and I randomly take our dog out after dark, but we have our own acreage and would be more in danger from coyotes, foxes, deer, and the very rare cougar than from any human being. He carries a firearm and takes the dog to the pasture. I just stay near the front door and deal with poop scooping or holes in the flowers.

vitalite · 07/02/2016 19:58

I'd probably get annoyed with my oh if he suggested walking the dog after dark should be his job because I'd find it patronising. If I'm ever walking anywhere at night I do agree to stick to well lit main streets cos I'm not an idiot but the suggestion that I'm not capable of walking a dog in the dark cos I'm a woman would piss me off.

vitalite · 07/02/2016 20:00

Altho I would be annoyed if he never takes a turn at walking the dog. That's a different issue imo

shazzarooney99 · 07/02/2016 20:04

Is the dog yours or your partners? or did you both decide to get it together?