No sex for 3 years...update

[unwanted]

Hi. You may remember my other thread about the emotionally abusive marriage I am in, and how poisonous he is to my children. Well, after the police told him to leave it was lovely for 2 days, but then he came back. The house is joint tenancy, so he has a legal right to be here. He promised we would talk, but then spent 2 hours slating the kids, telling them all THEIR faults etc...I couldn't believe it. After all that had happened. Anyway, a few days later I got a call from social services. the police had referred the case onto them, and they wanted to interview me and the kids. A social worker came around and I decided to tell him everything...I didn't make any of it up, just told him the truth, as did the children. he went away, and a few days later called and asked H to come in for a meeting. H cancelled the meeting, saying he didn;t think he would be home in time. They asked him to call when he got home so they could come to the house, but he ignored this too, as well as messages on the phone etc all from social services. The social worker told me that if H didn't cooperate, then they would have no choice but to call a child protection meeting as they considered my children to be at significant risk of harm due to emotional abuse.
So...now they have written to H, telling him in no uncertain terms that he can't ignore them, and that if he doesn't show on 3rd Jan at 4pm then they will press ahead. I opened the letter when it came, because I didn;t want Christmas to be any worse than it was going to be...I have to give it to him tonight.
Christmas was a nightmare. he shouted at DS an hour into the day for spilling water in the kitchen...told him to 'clean this f*ing s**t hole up'...again at night because DS stood in front of the telly and H was convinced that he had done it deliberately, and me and the kids had to spend all afternoon and evening on Christmas day watching the soaps etc in the kitchen while he sprawled on the settee because he wouldn't 'watch that shite on the telly'!
It's looking increasingly likely that we will end up in a refuge, as even if the abuse stopped I can never forgive him for what he has done, and I cannot live under the scrutiny of social services. they want him to go to counselling and parenting classes...I know he will refuse but even if he agreed they would want constant proof. If he doesn't agree then they will be considered 'at risk'. I am told that if I leave him their involvement will stop as they have no concerns about me, only him.
So...any info about refuges appreciated. What are they really like? Has anyone laft with nothing and managed to start again? how long did anyone stay in one? Where were they rehoused?
I am loathe to leave our stuff in the house. Most of it is mine, and I will never be able to replace some of it...I really need to find a lock up or storage place but I have no money now as I had to close the business because of him. Things like photos, toys, personal stuff etc...
Anyway, just thought I'd update and if anyone has any advice, experience, empty house up for grabs...(only joking about that last one!)...

hi unwanted, poor you and your kids,sounds like the sooner youre away from your dh the better.what a control freak, laying on the sofa watching tv while you and the kids are in the kitchen

dont know anything about refuges but wish you good luck

can you box up the important stuff and ask your family to hold onto it for you? keep a list of everything you have given to everyone so when you are rehoused and settled you will remember where it all is. the big stuff like furniture you will have to accept you may lose it but my possesions are worthless if we as a family are not happy anyway. wouldnt you give up everything you own to make your kids happy?

I have been pretty close to being homeless - i was infact squatting when i was 19 with my 2yr old dd and i have managed to rebuild my life and i am now very happy and have even set my my own business and have a very loving and supportive partner instead of an abusive one!

You can do this for the sake of you and your kids.

My sister left a relationship possibly even worse than yours over a year ago. I know it seems impossible to imagine now, but your life will improve once you are able to make your own decisions again. My sister is not financially better off than before but at least she spends the money she has earned on her kids, rather than the ex taking it. She is less lonely now because she is able to see friends and is not constantly stuck at home, unable to go out because he will not allow it, or because he has buggered off with her car.

In many ways her life is immeasurably better, and yours will be too once you do what you think best. One word of caution though: refuges can be horrible. Depending on your situation (tenancy or ownership?) you could be a lot worse off if you are the one to leave. On the other hand, if you co-own, you are entitled to request your share of the house back again- either by selling and splitting the proceeds, or by him buying you out.

Whichever you choose, if your kids are not in immediate physical danger, I would proceed carefully. Obviously you are acting in their best interests at the moment, but kids can be a lot more resilient than people think. They can put up with this for a few months without long-term damage.

Depending on their ages, you could explain that Daddy is not well and he says things he does not mean, and loses his temper easily. This would help your children overcome their confusion at the situation unfolding in front of them at present. Tell them this is not normal behaviour from their father. They need to know this. In the meantime, minimise their contact as much as possible (maybe put them to bed before he gets home, arrange playdates for them for when he is there, go out to friends and relatives when he is going to be at home?) and take steps to leave in a non-precipitous way.

My sister had no choice- she was physically thrown out on the doorstep without her belongings, with her tiny (3 & 1 years ) children without their clothes or toys, which the b*stard still has 15 months later, despite numerous requests to return them. Even the upcoming court case for harassment is not making him behave well.

I am glad you have the social services involved in some respects- it means they are taking you seriously. My sister's ex continued to harass her for six months after he threw her out, and only stopped stalking her after he was given stringent bail conditions. For the first few months of this, the police wouldn't even come to take a statement from her until a month after each incident. Now they are taking her seriously, but it took a long time. So in some respects, it is good that they are so involved.

Good luck in whatever you end up doing. Please trust that you are able to make decisions in your life, and that you will be able to again soon.

I agree with love my girls about asking people you trust to look after a few boxes each.
You could also let each of your child fill a rucksack or pick a certain number of things to take explaining xx will look after the other things for us. Children are so resiliient and while it is a big step I think you know it will be worth it in the long run for all of you.

Here is a link to the thread I started about my sister's case. A contributor on that had some good advice.

How awful for you all and what an *!$"ing arsehole!

What happens if you change the lockes when he's out? Have his bags packed and ready for him to take away? Get the neighbours to help chase him away?

Have you no family to help? You and your kids need to stay in your home. Have you been to the CAB?

Leaving his bags outside as well - with a sleeping bag. The police may help with providing a presence to make sure he leaves if social services are involved?

Unwanted, am so sorry you and your beautiful babies have had to put up with this.

I didnt see you other thread and I have no advice to give you either.

But I do want to send my best wishes for a happy future and a bright and shiny 2007. I think its going to be a good year for you

Will be thinking of you. x

i remember reading your other thread.

the fact the house is a joint tenanacy must mean you would get it as it is the childrens home. you would have to go down the route of changing the locks and getting an injunction. its easy for me to say its easy but it wont be. he will come - you will call the police. but they will then set conditions that he cant come near the house and if he does he will be arrested. maybe you cant do this as he is too scary, unreasonable, or for some other reason. it will be such a shame to lose everything. only you know whats best. but good for you researching your options. im so sorry you had to close the business i did wonder if this would happen.

i wonder if SS can put you in touch with the right people that can advise you about refuges if you have to go down this route. ii it is a council proprty and you and kids go the house will be under occupied so he will have to go as well anyway. you may decide to move to a completely new area for him to not find you - thats one benefit of a refuge.

good luck with what happens in next couple of days - your living in fear and you and your children will be so much happier when you get away from him.

my friends mum stayed with their dad who was like your husband. most of the kids have left home and are all damaged from him. the mum spent her lie telling the kids to be quiet so not to annoy the dad. theres one child left. she spends her life in her room and cant have any friends round and he moans and makes them feel uncomfortable, the mum in hers and the dad has the front room and his bedroom. its such a depressing house when hes in. the mum has now got stomach cancer and has not got long to live. she says her life would have been so much better and happier if she was brave enough to get rid of him 20 years ago.

sorry to go on .............

I'm so sorry to hear he's back. There's space in my garage if that's any use to you and as you know I'm in 'the big town' near you every week ....

Just shout if you need any help.

Hi prof Yaffle. I would have e mailed you but I don;t have your e mail address...I lost everything when the computer crashed (which was dodgy in itself). How much space do you have? I may well be asking you for help soon. Do you know anyone with a van we could borrow? It could well be in the next week or so to be honest...I am finding it hard to be in the same house at him...he has really lost the plot. Tonight he has the ceiling fan on full...it;s freezing cold and he refused to turn it off even though me and the baby were shivering. JUST to spite me. Sometimes I want to smack his face in, but I know he would use that against me so the safest thing is to get out. Drop me an e mail and then I'll have your address again. Thanks

is it a council house?

theres a clause in my tenancy that states if a partner is physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually abusive then they ar braking the tenancy agreement and they can be asked to leave by the council and full tencancy rights are past to you,

only read it today

Have e-mailed you with details.

Kitty...YES. It's a council house!!! I never knew about that; I will have to look into that tomorrow. Thankyou for that!

Fab - hopefully you won't need my garage then! I've got a few toys your littlest might make use of which I don't have room for (dotty gps going overboard at Xmas) if you're interested ....

you have to get yourself a solicitor.

The first thing that you need to do is to apply for an Occupation Order that allows you to stay in the house with the chldren and ousts him from it.
Keep a record of all incidents.
If the social Services are involved and are threatening to conference your family due to your partners behaviour-the Court will almost certainly act in your favour.
You have to take this seriously. Once you are under the spotlight of social services-they will act if you remain with an abusive partner as this is causing emotional damage to your children
good luck

Hi Prof...I have e mailed you back! When's the big day by the way?

Got it, ta. 2nd March - too long!

Take care of yourself, hope the kids are all right.

Hi Chipkid...believe me I DO take this seriously. It's him who won't...I asked him tonight if he was going to keep the appointment next week and he shrugged...siad he might! i aksed did it not bother him that he was being accused of abuse, and he said 'nope'. I desperately want to stay in the house...the kids have been moved from pillar to post over the last 4 years...and he promised this was the last move. So if I can keep it on, I would love that. I spoke to the council the other day, and I asked was there any way I could stay and he could be moved, and she said no...not unless I went to a refuge and had the tenancy transferred in my absence. I will see if I can find a legal aid solicitor tomorrow (not sure if they are back at work yet) and will look into an occupation order.

Hi unwanted just to say i was an "at risk child" and on a child protection register until i was 16 (only taken off it as i left home) i wish you all the strength at this time to pull through it and leave this shit of a man, even if you have to spend up to 6m in a refuge that will be nothing compared to the happiness you will all have on the other side of it all! Have a solicitor involved so that you can get your share of possesions, things like a cooker,washing machine, kids beds are essential items when you have children to care for, if your solicitor can help get these items for you then that would be a great help, Don't knock back any help from social services ask them to help you organise storage of these items. If you don't manage to get all your items play dirty and wait till you know he is not at home and have a van organised to get your and your kids things from the house!

Hi Kidstrak. How did it affect you knowing you were 'at risk'? I don't knownthe circumstances, but did you blame anyone for it? Feel free to not answer if you'd rather.
I found out that he got engaged to another woman while he was still with his first wife (how weird is that?), and when he was away she left him and emptied their flat...took everything. Apparently that's why he had a breakdown, and he swore revenge on her...said even if it ook a lifetime he would get her back. so I'm thinking that maybe it would be better if I took as little as possible.

Unwanted- he didn't have the breakdown (assuming that's what it was) because she took the stuff, but because she got the better of him.

He sounds like he has some serious control issues- I mean who was more at fault in that scenario? The wife who found out she'd been cheated on bigtime, or the guy who thought it acceptable to get engaged despite the inconvenience of already being married?

He sounds utterly incapable of managing his own life and making choices about what he wants. This is a not a sound combination of characteristics for being a dependable partner, let alone parent. He is beginning to sound more like my sister's ex now...

Its a long story unwanted but i was also in and out of fostercare as well, no one knew that myself and brother and sisiter were on the protection register apart from my family and social servicesand possibly the police, none of my friends or neighbours knew. But ultimately social services were around a lot in my life but my family needed them, social services wouldn't have been involved if my mother had left her husband put it that way, my mother has made many wrong choices in her life and as a consequence we all suffered, i No longer speak to my mother. I didn't mind being on the register or being interviewed by ss or the safegaurder. I would think long and hard what you want for yourself and your children, if you are a strong person you can set up a new life for yourself(my mother was controlled so never quite managed it, even when the bloody husband died she met another control freak), i wouldn't worry in the slightest about all the revenge talk (the thing is in all of this situation it is him who is the weakest person) You take what is yours and the kids, the law is on your side, as i said earlier a hostel/refuge is not that bad compared to a lifetime of hapiness on the other side

Kidstrak...thankyou for that message. It's enlightening to hear it from 'the other side' so to speak.
It's only really dawned on me the last few days that it is also me who is being abused. I know that sounds ridiculous...but because most of it was (usually) subtle put downs...gradual erosion of the kids' self worth if you like...I have always maintained that he is abusive to the children only. BUT....I have done a lot of reflecting over the Christmas (something has shifted in my head I think and I am seeing things with a lot more clarity), and he knows that the only way he can get at me is through the children. It's abuse putting me through listening to his warped ideas of parenting. It's abuse telling me off when I intervene. It's abuse to shout at me 'you're boring me now' when I have tried to talk to him about it. It's abuse when I come home from work and he starts straight away telling tales...'x did this, y did that, x is rude, y said this to me, when are you going to punish them'... it's all emotional abuse but these abusers are SO good at making you think it's your fault, or that you are imagining it, or that you will never manage without them. It's abuse that he 'forbade' me never to allow my brother to set eyes on our daughter.
The New Year will herald a new start for me and the children. This is no life at all, either for them or for me. It hasn't been a relationship for 3 and a quarter years...he stopped coming near me the night our daughter was conceived, and she is now 2 and a half. THAT'S abuse too.
I can't believe I have been so stupid. SS have also told me that their involvement will stop if I leave him, just as you said that they would never have been involved with you if your mother had left, Kidstrak.
I don't know why I have had this sudden 'lifting of a veil over my eyes', but I have, and now I am just choosing my moment.

I'm glad that you have seen some light, it can take women many years to realise they are being abused(mentally or physically and to a point emontionally unstable to where you accept it), it only took my mum 10yrs to realise that a broken jaw,cracked ribs and being stabbed at one point not to mention being raped was being ABUSED, but then he died and she met another low life who is a control freak, women like my mother seem to attract a certain type of man, i wish you all the strength when moving to your new life