No sex for 3 years...update

[unwanted]

Hi. You may remember my other thread about the emotionally abusive marriage I am in, and how poisonous he is to my children. Well, after the police told him to leave it was lovely for 2 days, but then he came back. The house is joint tenancy, so he has a legal right to be here. He promised we would talk, but then spent 2 hours slating the kids, telling them all THEIR faults etc...I couldn't believe it. After all that had happened. Anyway, a few days later I got a call from social services. the police had referred the case onto them, and they wanted to interview me and the kids. A social worker came around and I decided to tell him everything...I didn't make any of it up, just told him the truth, as did the children. he went away, and a few days later called and asked H to come in for a meeting. H cancelled the meeting, saying he didn;t think he would be home in time. They asked him to call when he got home so they could come to the house, but he ignored this too, as well as messages on the phone etc all from social services. The social worker told me that if H didn't cooperate, then they would have no choice but to call a child protection meeting as they considered my children to be at significant risk of harm due to emotional abuse.
So...now they have written to H, telling him in no uncertain terms that he can't ignore them, and that if he doesn't show on 3rd Jan at 4pm then they will press ahead. I opened the letter when it came, because I didn;t want Christmas to be any worse than it was going to be...I have to give it to him tonight.
Christmas was a nightmare. he shouted at DS an hour into the day for spilling water in the kitchen...told him to 'clean this f*ing s**t hole up'...again at night because DS stood in front of the telly and H was convinced that he had done it deliberately, and me and the kids had to spend all afternoon and evening on Christmas day watching the soaps etc in the kitchen while he sprawled on the settee because he wouldn't 'watch that shite on the telly'!
It's looking increasingly likely that we will end up in a refuge, as even if the abuse stopped I can never forgive him for what he has done, and I cannot live under the scrutiny of social services. they want him to go to counselling and parenting classes...I know he will refuse but even if he agreed they would want constant proof. If he doesn't agree then they will be considered 'at risk'. I am told that if I leave him their involvement will stop as they have no concerns about me, only him.
So...any info about refuges appreciated. What are they really like? Has anyone laft with nothing and managed to start again? how long did anyone stay in one? Where were they rehoused?
I am loathe to leave our stuff in the house. Most of it is mine, and I will never be able to replace some of it...I really need to find a lock up or storage place but I have no money now as I had to close the business because of him. Things like photos, toys, personal stuff etc...
Anyway, just thought I'd update and if anyone has any advice, experience, empty house up for grabs...(only joking about that last one!)...

Kidstrak. In my case my own mother was/is controlling, so I guess I accepted this as 'normal'. But I have recognised it for what it is, and next time I will run a mile when/if there are any warnign signs

unwanted, did you check the tenancy agreement? The woman from the council may not have known about the clause.

Hi Tribpot. I checked the tenancy...but there is more info in the tenants handbook which I can't find. I went to the council offices yesterday but they are closed til the New year. I will be on their doorstep on Tuesday morning though!

It said something about any tenants not being allowed to behave in a manner which casues distresss etc to anyone else, so I'm guessing that does include it but I won't know til next week.

unwanted

I would also suggest you read a book called "Why does he do that" Inside the minds of controlling and angry men written by Lundy Bancroft.

I would also suggest counselling for your own self in the longer term to work through issues regarding your own mother and the control she has exerted over your own self. She has played a part here in all this let alone your abusive husband.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; it comes as no surprise to me at all that you ended up with someone like your husband given your own background where you were yourself controlled as a child. This therefore became your "norm". This can be unlearnt but counselling for your own self may help you in this regard anyway.

At least you have finally had your own vision of clarity. This is a good start.

Certainly be on the council doorstep on Tuesday. You owe it to both yourself and your children to build a better life for yourselves.

Hi Attilla. I will look out for that book, thanks. As regards to my childhood, on the surface it was ok...no 'abuse' as such, but it was very insulated. We were never allowed to have friends over, ever. No birthday parties, no sleepovers. We weren't often allowed to go to friends' houses, and when we did it really wasn't worth it as the questioning was risiculous...'what's their house like? Is it biggern tha this one? What's the mother like? Is she prettier/younger/nicer than me? What does the father do? is his car bigger than ours? Did anyone say anything about me? Ask questions about me?' We had to get things 'just right'. If she sent me to the shops, aged about 6, for 20 cigarettes (you could in those days) and I came back with 2 packs of 10, she would go ballistic. Same if I bought the wrong washing powder etc. Once, when I was about 8/9 I bought her a plant for her birthday, having saved up all my pocket money. Only I got the day wrong, and was a day late. She threw it against the wall, breaking it, and screamed at me for getting it wrong.
I had therapy for a while (as part of my training as, believe it or not, a therapist), and it emerged that when I was about 10, I was waiting outside the post office with my sister when 2 arabic men approached and tried to get me leave with them. My sister saw them off, and ran in to get my Mum. When she came out, she slapped me around the face for 'encouraging them'!!!! I also recalled a buried memory of me walking into the bathroom to find my Mum in a bath of red water, having cut her wrists. I was just a little girl.
Even as an adult it continued. When my Dad was dying of cancer, the doctor told us that he was close to dying, giving him hours. My mum decided to take sleeping tablets to 'give herself a rest', knowing full well that he was on his death bed. I was with him when he died as I couldn't rouse her from the drug induced sleep. She has never forgiven me for taking her place! It took me a long time and very lovely cruse counsellor to get over that guilt.
So...you can see where this warped acceptance of unhealthy relationships comes from, but I also read that once it has been recognised for what it is, you will be able to walk away from it and I believe thatI am almost there.

Just to say I have just ordered the book from amazon

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But, surely it's serious when social services are considering placing the children on the child protection register?

Sorry haven't time to read all your thread but please don't worry about SS. I reported my mate's dh recently and after 22 years she's free and they've (SS) been fantastic. Her's and the kids lives have just started and they keep on saying how happy they are.

Keep strong and I'll be thinking of you hun xx

Attilla, think I'll get that book for my mate as her dh is very controlling. Her marriage may be over but it'll be good for her to have this info.

A friend of mine had to leave her Dh because he was violent. She went into a refuge which was lovely - she got her own mini flat with 2 bedrooms. I think thats quite unsusal though

She planned to leave for ages. She spirited away lots of personal posessions over weeks and stored then in friends houses. like clothhes and toys, spare kitchen stuff, thinsg from backs of cupboards that her DH wouldnt notice. Also all inmportant documenst, like passports, birth certificates, bank statements ect.

Though obviously that is a last resort. Its better if you can leave in a planned way. Or even better, get him to leave

unwanted - best of luck for next week.

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Unwanted - I am sorry to read about the things that happened to you in childhood and the abusive relationship you are trying to leave. I can't believe dh tries to exert so much authority over your children when they are not even his. Or has he adopted them? I guess not or you would have said.

As for your own mother - she has a lot to answer for. Do you have any idea why she behaved in such an inappropriate way with children?

Have you seen the film About a Boy when the little boy finds his mother (played by Toni Collette) after she has made a suicide attempt? I thought at the time - what a terrible thing to do to a child. Obviously not unprecedented though, judging from your story.

Believe in yourself, Unwanted! You have a right to be here and to make your own decisios. And I bet you are not unwanted by your children.

Ulysees...that is good to hear. Can I ask; did he move out? Did she move? How did she manage it and did social services help her get rid?
Elasticwoman...I don't know why she behaved/behaves in this way, but I do know that her own childhood is shrouded in mystery and lies. She has such a multitude of issues it's unreal. She has been a grade a b*h during all this too. Let us down at Xmas...was suppsoed to be coming down for the holiday and giving me and the kids moral support, but then wouldn't 'put herself out' by sitting in the car with H for 2 hours. I asked not even for us and she said no...not even for us. There was a massive row, and the children are with their Dad now for a few days in her home town and she has been phoning the kids telling them everything is my fault, crying and shouting down the phone at them (they are 12 and 9) and getting my brother to phone my ex husband to tell him he'd better bring the kids to my mum's or else! When this had no effect she tried turning my sister in oz against me...but she wouldn't have a word said against me.
I know she didn;t relish the journey with H, but if it was my kids who needed me I would walk through fire to be with them. She let me down.

hi, she stayed put but it's a council house. Was in his name though. He was in a lot of debt re rent etc... which she's sorting.

she's better off financially and emotionally. She has a social life now and a constant smile on her face instead of a frown. He wants her back though but I don't see that happening. Kids don't want him either.

Hi Uysees...mine is a council house too. It;s in joint names. Did he leave of his own accord, or was he made to leave? H is always in arrears with the rent and council tax too. How similar is all this????

he was made to leave. Police installed a panic button and gave her one to put round her neck. She has an injunction against him.Is your man violent?
You can CAT me and i'll get you in contact with her if you want hun?

Hi Ulysees....I just tried to subscribe to the CAT service (I've never used it before), and it wouldn't accept it, don't know why. I checked my bank account and there's money in there so....?
Anyway, no he's not violent, at least not with his fists but he is VERY intimidating and scary. When I called the police it was because he was screaming at the children, who were all huddled up in the corner crying, and he wouldn't stop. I just couldn't control him.
They told him to leave, said they weren't happy leaving him in the house with me and the children.
Did the council play any part in keeping him out do you know or was it the injunction?
Aaarggghhh...my head is spinning.
The good news is that his first wife has agreed to give a statement to social/courts etc stating what he's like with kids and that he isn't suitable to be with them.

hi,not sure about council?

email me at goldenbrownandi at hotmail.com

You need to get a court order to exclude him from the council house. There's no need for you and the children to lose your home. I would think you would get legal aid to cover the costs. I would think you could get an emergency order reasonably easily. Lots of women even make up physical abuse and get men excluded during their divorce process which is morally wrong but doesn't seem to be that hard to achieve but your position with real abuse seems even easier to prove. You can get emergency orders in a matter of days or even hours. You need to go to a lawyer or possibly the council can refer you to someone.

you hav a right ot be there - do not leave.

if you leave - the house will be underoccupied and the council may look to get itbackanyway.

also, if you leave due to social services becoming inolved etc - he will be breaking his tenancy agreement and they could take the hous away anyway.

maybe you could be a little manipulative about this?

he can "assign" the tenancy to you. withdrawing from the tenancy

you could say " look this social serivces shit is getting too much - lets try to worko n stuff without them - but to do that they arn't going to leave us alone unless they think your gone - so lets tell the council you have left - sign the tenancy over to us - then lets keep on working on stuff together - the alternative is that i will take the kids - becuase rather me take them than social services" < pile on drama>

see if he will agree t assign the tenancy over to you.

then - you can have him removed at any time.

otherewise than that - i would check with the council about where you stand. and what options you have.

ring shelter - although i personally think they are about as much use as a fucking chocolate fireguard - they maybe able to help you.

ring social services - say " look i want to get him away from the kids - but i dont know what to do please help me"

they will i am sure.

good luck

Hi Custardo. In normal circumstances that might work, but he is not normal. he doesn't perceive there to be a problem, so in his eyes there is nothing to sort out. I asked him the other night was he not mortified that social services have him under their spotlight, with accusations of abuse, and he just shrugged and said 'nope.' As far as he's concerned, all it will take is the kids to tow the line and all will be well. The kids have to change, the kids have to behave...it all has to come from the kids as far as he's concerned. He jusr can't see that he's the adult, and you lead by example...besides which the kids don't need to change; they are beautiful, gentle, kind, polite kids...they have just had enough of his abuse.
he has even told my daughter that she has to ask the baby's permission before she kisses her!!!!!FFS...both me and the kids are very tactile, and suddenly she has to ask her baby sister if she can kiss her or not! He's just warped.
Xenia...I will be going to the council on Tuesday morning to see what they have to say. The timing couldn't have been worse for us, with xmas and new year as everywhere is closed, but hopefully Tuesday will bring me some answers. I will then see what happens on Wednesday afternoon which is his appointed time at SS. if he doesn't go, I will apply for a court order. If he doesn't cooperate, I will apply for a court order. But I won't know exactly what to do until then. I have been reading that if someone in the family is suspected of abuse, be it physical, emotional etc, and they won't cooperate with SS, that SS can have them ordered to leave the family home whilst investigations are carried out.

sound like your being very strong and have a plan of action - if theres anything i can do let me know