The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Battling The Wicked Wine Witch, One Day At A Time!

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm mouse, one of the Babes who have been on this lovely, rickety bus called Gerald for some time now!

There's no judgy pants worn on this bus, nor hoking of bosoms!! It's filled with every day life, love and laundry. As simple as that. The rest falls in between.

We're a welcoming, supporting thread, filled with a mine of information from many years of experience, from those who have consumed alcohol day in, day out...hidden the 'habit', the lie, disguised our drinking with many an excuse. So perfected over the years or new to the guilt of drinking more than you think you should.....

Anyway, old or new, lurker or not, come and say hello to us if you feel the need. We'd love to meet you if we haven't already :)

Thank you for reading this, find a seat, hide green opal fruits if you find any, they're like gold dust around here! Aren't they ma!!

See you soon, I hope.

Mouse x

And, if you'd like to see where we all began, sit with a cup of tea/coffee and have a peek at this - the beginning

And our latest thread that will take you back to many others enjoy your read!

Hi everyone,

Sorry for being AWOL, thanks for the name checks Claret and Spanna. Big hugs to all the new babes.

A bit up and down in Margie world, I'm managing Sunday to Thursday (mostly) AF but then it all goes wrong. Tomorrow would have been my DM's 64th birthday - it makes me so sad she's not here and all I want to do is drink myself into a stupor.

Sorry not to NC, just picking DCs up from swimming, will check in again later.

margie nice to see you.

special how are you now. You are doing brilliantly.

Booking into rapid detox. Ma will pay. She's fucked off with me, and I've had to hear about how grandpa was a wicked drunk. And how could I do it to her, the kids etc..

But I'm looking for a place asap. It's outpatients. They knock you out and accelerate detox. Me and drink are parting ways

I haven't posted in a while as been so busy and have been doing well. My parents gave me a bottle of prosecco today (very kind of them, not aware of my problems) and instead of giving it away or saving it for an occasion I've drank 3/4 of it already. The feeling is so nice, reminds me of why I drunk, I feel so good. But I feel guilty already, such a failure and I want to slap myself!

special good luck. Your ma is just hurting like you but it's not very supportive to blame you. But great you have the detox. You will need support after both there and on here. We are with you. Every step of the way.

Hi made sounds like you are doing well! Take care tonight.

Hi, I did post last week and have continued lurking. I have had the most surreal and life changing 20 days or so. I posted that I was on day 6 but had become a crazy person and I most certainly had. My sister rushed down to see me and I was hallucinating like crazy. I had an appointment with the GP that afternoon and mentioned this. The GP insisted on seeing me the next day with my sister. I was prescribed loads of vitamin B and a relaxant to take at bed time. I took my DD to see him about a totally unrelated condition. He took the time to talk to me then, with DD out of the room. I have been to see GP again this evening for the results of a blood test. Liver, kidneys etc fine thank goodness. The point I think I am trying to make is that this thread is really supportive, even if you are a general lurker like me and that if you realise there is a problem and try to do something about it the medical profession are great. I always thought of my GP as bit aloof but through his support I have completely changed my mind about him. He asked if I wanted further help and I mentioned I was getting it on line and he totally agreed. Sorry for such a long post, and thanks for all the wise words I have read.

That's brilliant to hear elephant. Well done.

Morning All.

Elephant, that's wonderful. Three cheers for the NHS, let cherish and fight for it! Stay strong.

Special, as pop said, your Ma is hurting, and some of her anger is about her past, not you. She is scared, and she knows how difficult it can be to make the drinker understand; BUT, she is helping. Now, take the opportunity so that you have a long and sober life to make it up to her .

Margie, welcome back.

Bicycle the calories are shocking aren't they? In just two weeks of going back to drinking, I have put on every KG I lost and more .

Made, it may take lots of day ones, but you have made progress already. It does suggest that you may have to tell them so that they don't accidentally sabotage you again. But I have to confess, I am covering some seminars for a colleague whilst he is at a conference; he asked if I preferred red or white as a thank you, I said "white" because I was embarrassed to say "I'm trying not to drink". How is the last half semester going? I meant to say when you said about the Social work conversion course, I have had students do that (from a VERY different discipline), and it's brilliant. You do the course with a real sense of purpose and maturity - I think it's a better route personally.

Pop How are you doing? Have you made any progress getting a referral for DD's sleep problems? And how is the house move going?

Love you Spanna, my absolute hero!

I'm sitting here - Day five for me - steeling myself for a walk with SweetDog, who was extremely naughty yesterday. He ran out of the park, along a country lane (bringing traffic to a stop) and away across a couple of fields. He never went out of sight, but wouldn't come back. I am so grateful we live in a really friendly, community spirited village/town - seven people stopped to help. So he is back on the long training line for a couple of weeks.

Anyway, I've gone on a bit, have a good AF or Moderate day Babes.

Something strange is happening to me

I stumbled across this thread the other day and wasn't even really thinking of dealing with my drinking. I knew it was a problem of course but I pushed it to the back of my mind to ignore it. As I read your threads though, something clicked. My drinking is not right but the power and strength to address it is within me.

It's you guys - I'm getting that strength from you and your stories and encouraging words. Thank you

1 beer and 1 glass of wine last night. Unheard of for a Friday night.

I haven't said to my husband that I'm cutting back. He's the only one who knows IRL that I drink too much but even he doesn't fully know. It feels like it will add more pressure to me if I tell him, like he'll monitor what I'm doing. He'd be supportive about it but I think I'm better quietly doing my own thing for now.

gorilla armpit mouth Well done spanna, you are absolutely brilliant and fab and amazing. Keep going, you inspire us all xxxxxxxx

I know deep down I need to give up completely. Why do I not feel ready?

pop I think you are execting to one day decide that enough is enough and to just stop but it doesn't have to be like that. You can just take longer and longer breaks between drinking until it just tapers out. No big bang, no grand finale, just 'meh, I don't really like drinking any more'.

This is why it's only one day at a time. If you can do one day then you can do another 'one day'. If you do them together then it's two days. If you know you can do two days, then you know you can do another 'two days' and so on.

The more you try, the easier it gets. The first seven to ten days are probably the hardest, or maybe even the first three or four. But if you keep trying you'll get there. Just remember to focus on one day at a time.

bicycle I never said anything to dh about my changing drinking habits and he never asked. He's a good guy, supportive and encouraging but also live and let live so it's no biggie here, we just gradually changed our habits like lots of things that fluctuate and change in a ltr.

It sounds to me like you are starting to lose the fear of not drinking. It's lovely when you get that freedom, so refreshing and, yes, can be quite exhilirating too. A non-alcoholic high, known here as The Boing

Margie sorry you are missing your mum. Alcohol has been your 'go to' comforter for a while but if you can ride it out and start making new habits you will feel happier with yourself tomorrow. Could you do something else to feel connected to your mum? Treat yourself to a small rose bush or something that you could plant and tend or make a collage of photos?

But I feel guilty already, such a failure and I want to slap myself!

made you don't have to do that, we have a squid called Barry on the bus which we use to slap each other with under these cirumstances

Seriously, it's a learning curve. It's an experiement. Take what you feel and decide what you want to do about it. Good to hear you've been doing well though, it sounds like you want to go back to that now

he asked if I preferred red or white as a thank you Sweet you need to prepare an answer for next time. How about 'Neither thanks, but I'd love a box of chocolates/tin of biscuits to share with the team/department' or something like that.

Big hi to anyone I haven't mentioned (can't be many on this epic post ). It's always been an unspoken/unwritten rule that we are all inclusive, always and no-one is left out but we don't have to name check because that can put people off posting for fear of missing someone and upsetting them.

That said; Ma, Mouse, Joey, Isinde, Beaches, Hope and Allthemissingbabes where are you me old muckers? Who the hell is driving this bus and where are we going?

Good morning lovely babes,

I am as always utterly blown away by the warmth, courage and faith that this beautiful, magical thread inspires in all of you, I'm proud to call myself a bus babe.

My first post was terrifying, I'd never posted on MN before and have still only ever used this thread but I googled "I drink too much" and some weird guardian angel intervention led me here.

In a very warped way my "enforced" sobriety is actually easier than the turmoil you guys are going through with that love it or hate it word "moderation". I started using wine to self medicate my PND, 2 bottles a night for a long time then long, dark episodes of horrific binges during which I was drinking near fatal amounts (thanks god I'm tall and overweight). Anyway after an a&e dash and a bipolar diagnosis, I was actually relieved to realise there was a cause for my extremely manic mood swings which saw me race around for weeks on end, not eating, not stopping, trying to fix the world when I was so broken myself. During these periods I didn't need alcohol, didn't even want it!! THEN came the lows, my mood would plummet, I'd hate myself, I'd look in the mirror and feel sick at my ugliness, I'd be anxious, paranoid, actually nauseous with nerves, nightmares about my children being harmed and seeing it actually happen in the nightmare, it was a living hell, so I drank myself unconscious to sleep through it, and drank and drank. My poor parents and dh were so scared social services would intervene, I became my family's dirty little secret.

My point is I know the pull of alcohol, after every binge I would have to go through hell of detoxing, the vomitting, the shaking, the hallucinating, tasting my own blood in my mouth and feeling a certainty that I would die, AND YET I'd do it all over again. Sometimes my fear of living was just as scary as my fear of dying!!!!

I am now living my life sober and it's amazing how much more simple life is and how much time there is when you remove alcohol from the equation.

Add together all the minutes of the day you think about drinking, the minutes you obsess about how much wine to buy, where yo buy it and how to hide it. The hours you spend drinking it, the hours sleep you lose lying sweaty, thirsty and nauseous in the night, then the ridiculous amount of hours you lose being hungover, crikey the days hungover for most of us.

That's a whole lot of time!!!

All that said if I could buy a tablet that emulated that first big glass of wine on an empty stomach, that warm glow and when the wine feels like a magic elixir through your veins, hell I would buy that tablet, cos that feelings the one that draws us all in!!!!!

I'm so proud of all of you, so glad to be one of you and I love this bus and the magic it conjures that touches us all!!

Lots of love and hugs on a sunny day in Scotland xxx

Thank you everyone, I don't need a drink now but last night I was reminded of why I drank, the feeling was like heaven, it felt so good and nice. I know it sounds really bad, but in that moment I wondered why I ever stopped, how can something so bad feel so good?

I failed on my not drinking when stressed vow though. It's a long story, but basically I didn't pull my weight in my last group assignment because of alcohol. The next assignment is one where we have 24 to prepare and perform a presentation on a scenario, and we can choose our own groups. Friend 1 doesn't want to work with me, which I can understand, but that still doesn't make the stress or worry go away. On top of that, friend 2 and 3 who are in a relationship and live in the same room in our flat, have been arguing more and I sent a message to my friend 1 asking if she'd really rather work with them than me (because they're constantly bickering) and friend 2 read it and is apparently pissed off. I've left my extended essay til the last minute and have just under 2000 words to complete by Thursday, along with a reference list, abstract and editing and am stressing out really bad. I feel like everything's gone to shit and wonder how the hell I'm gonna get things sorted out.

Good morning lovely babes,

I am as always utterly blown away by the warmth, courage and faith that this beautiful, magical thread inspires in all of you, I'm proud to call myself a bus babe.

My first post was terrifying, I'd never posted on MN before and have still only ever used this thread but I googled "I drink too much" and some weird guardian angel intervention led me here.

In a very warped way my "enforced" sobriety is actually easier than the turmoil you guys are going through with that love it or hate it word "moderation". I started using wine to self medicate my PND, 2 bottles a night for a long time then long, dark episodes of horrific binges during which I was drinking near fatal amounts (thanks god I'm tall and overweight). Anyway after an a&e dash and a bipolar diagnosis, I was actually relieved to realise there was a cause for my extremely manic mood swings which saw me race around for weeks on end, not eating, not stopping, trying to fix the world when I was so broken myself. During these periods I didn't need alcohol, didn't even want it!! THEN came the lows, my mood would plummet, I'd hate myself, I'd look in the mirror and feel sick at my ugliness, I'd be anxious, paranoid, actually nauseous with nerves, nightmares about my children being harmed and seeing it actually happen in the nightmare, it was a living hell, so I drank myself unconscious to sleep through it, and drank and drank. My poor parents and dh were so scared social services would intervene, I became my family's dirty little secret.

My point is I know the pull of alcohol, after every binge I would have to go through hell of detoxing, the vomitting, the shaking, the hallucinating, tasting my own blood in my mouth and feeling a certainty that I would die, AND YET I'd do it all over again. Sometimes my fear of living was just as scary as my fear of dying!!!!

I am now living my life sober and it's amazing how much more simple life is and how much time there is when you remove alcohol from the equation.

Add together all the minutes of the day you think about drinking, the minutes you obsess about how much wine to buy, where yo buy it and how to hide it. The hours you spend drinking it, the hours sleep you lose lying sweaty, thirsty and nauseous in the night, then the ridiculous amount of hours you lose being hungover, crikey the days hungover for most of us.

That's a whole lot of time!!!

All that said if I could buy a tablet that emulated that first big glass of wine on an empty stomach, that warm glow and when the wine feels like a magic elixir through your veins, hell I would buy that tablet, cos that feelings the one that draws us all in!!!!!

I'm so proud of all of you, so glad to be one of you and I love this bus and the magic it conjures that touches us all!!

Lots of love and hugs on a sunny day in Scotland xxx

faire, baby - what inspirational posts. You both speak very very wise words.

made its hard and its stressful but buckle down and you can get your work done, a drink will only make it worse and more stressful. If you dig deep today and do a chunk of work you'll feel in a much better place by tomorrow.

spanna nearly one year sober! A.M.A.Z.ing

bicycle huge well done for your moderated drinking last night....if you keep that up just think of the impact on your units per week! I also track my drinks (like elba, hi elba!) I find it motivating and it brings some accountability to my drinking.

I am on track to have drunk on 14 days this month which isn't wonderful, but compared to last year its a lot less (last year I was probably drinking 25+ days per month) My loose aim is to keep at this level or less for the foreseeable.

winchester hi! You are welcome here, lurk, post, do a bit of both. Whatever suits you - if you feel comfortable tell us a bit more about what brings you to the bus.

In other news here me, my DH and my DD are off to Iceland for a weeks holiday soon, I don't expect i'll be having too much wine there as its about £10 a glass and, well, thats just ridiculous! Makes me a bit anxious but I often drink beer abroad anyway so i guess I'll have that instead. I find holidays a sort of release from my alcohol worries as I oddly seem to drink responsibly when I'm away with my DH, and i guess drinking a lot is more normal when on holiday.

I'm still here. Lurking more than posting as I try and deal with the problems at work, with dd1 and with my own health issues.
My soldier ogling has paid off in that I now have my very own sergeant major on work placement who does any job I give him in double quick time, makes me coffee and is an all round sweetie ( if a little scary). . Everyone should have one.

Ok, bad day so far. I've basically been told I'm the entire problem to do with the group working because no one wants to work with me and it's my fault for not passing on vital info on the other assignment, which I do agree with, but at the same time others in the group did literally no work and they're not getting the same level of blame. Plus apparently my lack of motivation for my dissertation is putting people off working with me, despite that having no relevence to how I'd work in a group (like I keep telling them). They're trying to sort out the groups and have made pointed comments that all this difficulty is all my fault.

Basically I feel like my friends hate me, because the room goes quiet when I walk in there and I feel like they're having a go at me constantly. I get that I'm not blameless but I just feel like shit. I've locked my door and am on my bed having a bit of a cry, I know I'm being talked about, I know I've pissed people off and I don't know how to fix it cos it seems just doing anything makes it 10 times worse. I just want to say fuck it and go home, I don't want to be here anymore, but that's just not an option.

Hi everyone,

Faire, Sweet, thanks for the NC. Hugs for everyone having a tough time at the moment.

My DM would have been 64 today. I wish I was at her party. I wish my DCs were hugging and kissing their grandma. I wish she was still here.

I have been drinking, I drank last night too - nothing if not predictable! I feel like shit. I want my mummy. I don't like myself and don't like the world right now.

Sorry for the narcissistic post, I promise to be less "me, me, me" next week.

Hello babes. Have not been around for a bit as working crazy long hours including being away a lot, and lost my MN password so can access it on my PC where I seem to be permanently logged in, (but which I don't use much) but not from any of my mobile devices

Just looking in and very touched to get a shout out from the wonderful Spanna and Faire - hello ladies so thought I would report in

Some new faces here I see, good to have you all here. I'm not caught up enough to chip in on everyone's struggles and triumphs, but just wanted to send a huge hug to Special who seems to be going through such a traumatic and difficult time, not helped by judgy people in RL who really can't call themselves Christian if they have no compassion for a fellow human being in a desperately sad situation. There is no judging here, I hope you stay around for some love and support from this wonderful bunch of ladies, and best of luck with the detox. There are plenty of people on this bus willing you on. And Elephant (love the name, I am a real fan of elephants, and have several foster ellies!) I'm glad your blood tests were OK. I had some done months ago and was such a coward I didn't go back to the doctors. Have to go next week though and am hoping they have been forgotten about. Ridiculously cowardly but can't face knowing I've wrecked my health if that's the case...

Also Made your post just now touched a nerve. When I was at university (many, many years ago now!) I had a couple of bad relationships, made an arse of myself through drinking and had a terrible few months where my housemates were totally bitchy and ganging up on me which culminated in me and my remaining loyal friend moving out to a different house share. Things were better after that and I should have moved on earlier but at the time I really struggled and lost myself in alcohol which didn't help. This has been a recurring pattern over the years as I turn to it when in a bad place or when I need a quick stress reliever and I wish I'd been as brave as you in confronting issues when I was your age. You rock! If you are really worried about your assignment can you talk to a tutor or student counsellor? I'm sure they can get you back on track. And you also have this bus!

So, a belated welcome aboard to Special, Made, Claret, Elephant, Bicycle and all new babes, and good to see old favourites Faire, Spanna, Margie, Sweet, Venus, Popstar, Baby and of course that old soldier-ogler Ma. Spanna what day exactly is your one year anniversary??? Are we having a big bus party?

Baby, your posts are so amazing. We are lucky to have you oh wise one. You have come so far and are coping brilliantly. I am a bit up and down at the moment, see-sawing between good and not so good. A week or so of healthy eating, working flat out and being abstinent, but then punctuated with nights out which seem to act as a trigger and are often followed up by a few days of overindulging again (over weekends and rare days working from home), eating junk, feeling crap and paranoid, then picking myself up again. I think I am heading in broadly the right direction but I'm two steps forward and one step back all the time, and sometimes another step back if WB is being an arse and adding to the work stress. Project is hitting snags (not of my making, but causing a lot of blame throwing and hassle all round) and am working constantly - and to add to it all I am now 6 months in to a 12 month gig. It has gone so fast and have been too busy to look for another job (it was the plan to take on a couple of other small projects as 'legacy' work) Come September I will be unemployed again if I don't start planning...

Right have been sat on my arse long enough (family all out apart from dd who is in her room) and have watched Philomena on i-Player as caught a bit of it last night and kids made me turn it off. Had a good old cry and am now off to tackle the disgusting tip that is my house....

I'm trying low carb again from next week (also keeps me off the booze - mostly) so please find biscuits, cakes and bagels on the dashboard . Those of you who are less lardy than me should feel free to enjoy....

PS Margie hugs to you on your mum's birthday. I also lost my mum and feel the same every birthday, Mother's Day, death anniversary and at Christmas and on my birthday (and on St Patrick's Day as she was from an Irish family!) Same with my dad on Father's Day and his birthday. It's crap, but lots of love to you from me anyway x

Margie big hugs for you. What would you do for your Mum today? Buy her flowers? Encourage her to relax? So why not do all that for yourself - her genes live on in you, so by doing something nice for yourself you're also doing something nice for the part of you that is her.

made of course you feel hurt and upset - that is horrible for them to use you as a scapegoat. Can you tell your friends what you just told us: "I know I'm not blameless, but I also know I'm not the only one responsible. I know that I've pissed people off and I don't know how to fix it - everything I try seems to make things worse. I feel like going home but I'm going to stay and work through things. I hope you'll work with me.
(and then retreat back to your room - but this time with a big mug of tea and a dvd to watch.

special ignore the negative and grab the detox opportunity for all you're worth (and you're worth a very, very lot to the people around you).

ma would your sergeant major cross the water for a bit of work placement here

mouse I don't know what's been going on for you but you know that you're often in my thoughts xx

babyjane your post are an inspiration and a joy. I hope you feel very proud of yourself, and I hope your family are all proud of you too.

isindie did you every return from the land of the hairy scots? And did you find vegan food anywhere?

faire you missed me off your list of namechecking, but I shalln't sulk. Not me. Oh no. Hrmmph!

And to all other babes - so lovely to see posts from lurkers, newbies, accidental soberistas - every single one of you and me and us is what keeps this series of threads going and is what spurs people on, or jolts them into reality, or comforts and encourages. Good on us.

LOOKING missed your posts - lovely to see you my friend. Good to hear that you're busy but you know now you need time to work ON your business as well as IN your business.

You know you can make it brilliant...

margie honey my heart goes out to you, I think today you need to just get through the day in any way you find comfort. For what it's worth, we are here for you, to talk to listen or hand hold, you are very much in my thoughts.

made babe I've had times where no one I loved would talk to me, literally no one due to my drinking. I reckon if others are getting away with doing nothing it's only because you are generally much smarter and more diligent then those people and more is expected of you than them. I know that's unfair in this instance but it's always been obvious to me how passionate you are about the work and your friendships and compassionate to the needs of the vulnerable people you help support. I think your friends are being thoughtless in alienating you knowing your struggling but I know you can make this right because you are lovely!!!!

As for the work there's only one way to eat a whale, one bit at a time!!! Break it down into achievable chunks and get your head down, you can do it babe xxx

As far as drinking and non drinking. days go I think we should all see a non drinking day as a victory rather than a drinking day a failure. We are all on here because we want to make changes and we care about our drinking and we're trying our best. If it was easy to stop there would be no alcoholics, no broken marriages, families, no drink related liver disease and no children born with FAS. For now we need to accept that it's not easy, not immediate but definitely possible.

Love to all babes, as long as we're trying we're winning xxx

Thanks Venus, they're all getting takeaway in a bit (I've been invited but don't feel like joining in) so I think I'll just stay in my room for now, I will say something if it continues though. The friends who I let down in the group assignment are apparently going to the personal tutor over it to get it remarked or something, my marks could well go down. If they go down to below 40 though I'll fail the module cos I didn't do well on the other assignment. As it stands now everyone in the group passed the module overall (one of the girls failed the group assignment which I do feel guilty about), but it seems to me that for the sake of a few bloody marks they're willing to let me fail the module and get a bad reference in future. I've said that to them but just been told it's my own fault, what did I expect etc, that it's not fair their marks have been affected by me, again I do agree, but I did expect my friends to be a bit more loyal, especially considering the problems I was going through, I feel like they're stabbing me in the back almost

made this is the hell which is the last term before graduation. It will get better, it will. Grit your teeth, work your socks off. By the summer time most of this horribleness will be forgotten and you'' all be leaping around graduating and being delighted for yourselves and each other. Keep your eyes on that horizon (and don't forget to work your socks off!).