Breaking the mental connection between

[SirisSister]

I've come to realise that I have a very strong mental connection between my own self esteem/self worth and the views of one man. It's more subtle than self esteem connected generally with opinion of others. Does anyone have any advice how to break this connection?

The whole story is a long horrific tale of low self esteem. The too long/didn't read version: I have had an on and off relationship with an emotionally abusive man for years. It wasn't really a relationship it was more a fall back girl type thing. Every post I've ever read on here about FWB/limerence/obession chimes with me. I finally made the break properly and did really well with no contact for over a year. One time he got lucky and contacted me in a weak moment. I saw him. It was all perfect and he said he'd changed and wanted to be with me properly. Like a fool I fell for it. Saw him again. He was so lovely. Slept with him. Since then not heard anything. We slept together on New Years Eve so it's now 4 weeks.

That is not actually why I'm posting. I've done no contact with him and I can do it again. It's getting back on the wagon.

My problem is that since then I've been really depressed because I keep thinking it's my fault that he doesn't want me. That if I were better, thinner, had more money, more social status, more charming, more social contacts that then he would want me. The detail doesn't really matter.

I feel like I must be a worthless person because he [a man who professes to like me, who I have great sexual chemistry with, seem to get on so well with] doesn't want me. And not just "doesn't want me" but actually can't even be bothered to type an email, text me or pick up the phone. I feel sick when I think about it and am torturing myself imagining him with other better women.

How can I break this connection between his dissmissal of me as a human and my own self worth?

(I'm limerent or obsessed with him so see him as a far better person than me. )

I got made redundant days after he told me he had a new gf and couldnt fuck around anymore with me.

That may be why I am so down.....my whole life came to a halt whilst he swanned off with a new woman and I am imagining him having the best sex and promising her he will be with her forever...which seems unlikely.

I would like to think, or I bloody hope, that if I hadnt lost my job, I wouldnt be in this mess and dwelling on him so much. Had I still been in a job, I would have gone on holiday, picked up a new hobby, took a cookery class, etc. But losing my job meant I had to be careful with money and am sitting idle now dwelling on things.

I really hope so anyway.

As with Siri though it isnt just something innate within us. We dont do this with everyone we get involved with.

Ive binned a couple of guys since him for assholish behaviour that was nothing compared to what to this guy did. If I had general crap self esteem, surely I would get hooked on everyone that showed me attention...but I dont!

I dont know why but it is just HIM......

both of you need counselling to explore why your levels of self worth are so low you'd put up with this because this man is so great.

I did ask above for advice as to what type of counselling or therapy and where to start as I have no idea. I don't think standard have a chat type counselling will help me.I've got a lot of self awareness about the problem. what I need is help to fix it. I didn't really get an answer. l get the impression it's a stock reply (get some counselling) from those who've never had any kind of talking therapy and know little about different types. I don't know where to start.

also I read someone on another thread saying they were scared of men as areason why they stayed in the context of an OW relationship. I get that. I think I'm scared of men in the sense that I expect and fear rejection. Who would want me? This man I feel so comfortable with whenI do see him. Sex with him is not only mind blowing butI feel safe to have my mind blown with him if that makes sense. just even writing that and thinking about it makes me think deep down I don't want to (or can't ) move on from him. even though his disinterest hurts me so much it's like a physical pain and rationally I want my old happy self back. the one who did think she was bright, fun and attractive.

where did she go? I think he ate her soul.

Handy woman said in one of the early posts;

You can speed the process up by having proper, skilled psychotherapy to address the missing bit of you that seeks completion in 'what he represents'. It could be deep-seated - and sorting it could make a big difference to your life.

TBH you and so are framing your worth in terms of your desirability in one man's mind.

There doesn't have to be anything at all wrong with you for a particular guy to just not be that interested and for them to be interested in someone else.

Surely you know yourselves that there are men who are wonderful in many ways but who you are just not interested in? It's not because there is something wrong with them, it's just because you are not interested.

There is nothing wrong with you other than you are allowing someone else to determine your self worth.

If someone isn't interested and you are and they use you for sex they are not healthy people for you to be around. There is something wrong with them TBH.

If someone isn't interested and you are and they use you for sex they are not healthy people for you to be around. There is something wrong with them TBH.

Yes callous, selfish, abusive people.

I know things about my guys past relationships that make me realise he is far from a model boyfriend and in fact if I ever did get him as a bf, my problems would just be beginning. He lies, he cheats, he's selfish, he never stops complaining about work and exhaustion. I dont think he has ever been faithful.

Siri hasnt said about her guys relationships but the fact that siris keeps coming back suggests that he either cant keep a gf or he is cheating on someone.

I know he is not a good guy but I cant stop asking why i wasnt even good enough to be a gf.

Offred

Surely you know yourselves that there are men who are wonderful in many ways but who you are just not interested in? It's not because there is something wrong with them, it's just because you are not interested.

I'm not sure this is right actually or particularly helpful for the OP. If you think of why you are interested in one person or another, you normally can come up with reasons - even if they are about your "type" or about "a lack of physical chemistry". Most of us have before meeting life partners known or dated men who had a whole list of great qualities but you weren't interested in because [fill in the blank] they were too fat/too thin/too short/too stupid/too muscly/not muscly enough/irritating regional accent/not educated enough/not enough money/ too boring/too hyper etc etc. Depending on your particular issue or tastes there usually is a reason.

It may not be something "wrong" with them objectively but just not to your personal taste when it comes to personality and physical attraction. For example, objectively intelligence is a highly rated quality, but a person of low intellect may find intelligence a turn off because it makes them feel stupid. Equally, great beauty in a woman is objectively a good quality but an insecure man may prefer a plainer woman because he fears a great beauty would leave him and be unfaithful. Some men find obesity sexually arousing and would prefer that to a thin, toned model. Some men etc etc.

However, this isn't really helpful to the OP because by her account the have a lot of chemistry and have a good time - so there is base attraction there. Looking for what is "wrong" or "not good enough" is a waste of time.

The point is not that there is something "wrong" with you; the point is that this man is not interested in having a healthy relationship with you. He maybe incapable of that with anyone; on the other hand he may just not have met someone who ticks all his boxes. Who knows? All you need to know is that he makes you feel bad about yourself.

And in as much as he can say what is "wrong" with you (or to put it more accurately, which of his boxes you don't tick) it won't help you because it is just about compatibility because plenty of objectively good traits and qualities, other people find a turn off.

However, this isn't really helpful to the OP because by her account the have a lot of chemistry and have a good time - so there is base attraction there. Looking for what is "wrong" or "not good enough" is a waste of time.

That is it exactly and I am sure Siri feels the same. I have had dates with men where I thought, no way. I have had dates with men where they have told me they didnt feel a spark and that is fine. That is life. I can take that and I am sure Siri can too. But the point is, mostly, when we don't feel and attraction for someone or arent interested, we dont pursue it at all.

But what it is about our guys that CheersMedea has articulated so very well and with great insight, is that there clearly was a spark / chemistry / base attraction or whatever you want to call it.

We both had mind blowing sex with them and sexual chemistry is important. It wasnt just pump and dump either, we had a date night together and it was passionate sex and chemistry. it was like being on a date with a bf and it went on for a very long time.

So there quite clearly IS attraction. Like Siri, we used to talk lots, could open up, about family, life, problems, work, fun stuff too, shared lots, laughed together, had similar goals in life, etc.

I dont get it....! There is a strong physical attraction. We can talk like friends too. And yet....I am not made his gf. Why the fuck not? I am sure Siri feels the same. It is a horrible place to be in and I am glad I saw this thread as I thought I was going crazy to feel this way.

The point is not that there is something "wrong" with you; the point is that this man is not interested in having a healthy relationship with you. He maybe incapable of that with anyone.

There is something in that. The fact that these guys can make other women their gf, but still have had these dalliances, says they cant either keep a gf or they are cheating with us and we dont know it.

I know for a fact that my guy hasnt given any of his exes anything really. Not commitment, engagement, marriage, nothing. In fact he said he said marriage wasnt for him.

Also as Offred said....they are not emotionally healthy if they dont want us as gf's, know we want more, and are happy to use us for sex. That speaks of a very selfish individual indeed.

The therapy question depends on what kind of therapy you want.

I'd suggest a good psychotherapist rather than a counsellor. You can look for the BCAP list for therapists in your area. If you're in London the Tavistock Institute is good.

That was my point. I never said there weren't reasons just that it didn't imply there was something wrong with the op or so just because a particular man wasn't that interested.

But they are interested in something

So what makes us not enough for the rest.

Who knows? It may not even be that you are not enough, it may be that you are too much eg your intelligence or strength threatens their ego... Could be any number of things. It doesn't really matter. You know they are dicks who string you along and hurt you so why would you want to be their GF?

Why would you want that type of man to feel you were compatible; had similar interests etc?

It may not even be that you are not enough, it may be that you are too much eg your intelligence or strength threatens their ego...

That may make sense actually based on what I know about him.

You know they are dicks who string you along and hurt you so why would you want to be their GF? Why would you want that type of man to feel you were compatible; had similar interests etc?

Dont think I dont know that and I am sure Siri does too. When I look at the type of man he is, our value systems are totally incompatible. I am kind, loyal, faithful. I have never cheated on anyone and never would. He has cheated on everyone he's ever been with and is a sleazy bugger and lies.

I know if I actually got him...I dont think I'd be impressed with him and I would never trust him.

I cannot explain the way I feel...but I am still devastated he didnt choose me :(

Yeah, I know you know that part. I think you could do with reminding yourself of it hourly. I think what you have sounds like a trauma bond TBH.

I think you could do with reminding yourself of it hourly.

I do though. I dont what Siri knows about her guys past as she hasnt said but I can see as clear as day that whilst I am upset he never made me his gf, what have his actual GFs been given by him? As far as I can see, very little. Not marriage, not even faithful to them.

I hope it goes the same way with his new one. I am worried that he he finally decides to be decent and that it was just me. But looking at his track record, probably not.

As soon as these why didnt he want me feelings come on & I start feeling as if he is nice to everyone else, I remind myself of what I know about how he is as a bf, the lying the cheating, the moodiness, the brattish behaviour over work (he gets SOOO tired that he gets in moods and takes it out on you, I remind myself of how poorly he has treated me....and I can think yes, you would never be happy with him and I can quell it for a bit.

But the feeling always come back. :(

Maybe it is a trauma bond. Whenever I have been involved with him, I've been in a bad place, had crap things going on in my life and he was a fun thing to do...talk to, flirt with, great sex.

Yseulte (and anyone who knows about therapy)

The therapy question depends on what kind of therapy you want.

I know next to nothing about therapy. I would like to achieve:-

*recover my self esteem which is not existant
*break by need for this man's approval
*end this Love Obsession with him and constant intrusive thoughts

wouldone type cover all? some one above thought hypnosis might help to get him out of my head?

I'd suggest a good psychotherapist rather than a counsellor. You can look for the BCAP list for therapists in your area. If you're in London the Tavistock Institute is good.

what does psychotherapy do?
I am SE so could do London. is this whatyou meant? www.tavinstitute.org/

I couldn't find anything about psychotherapy ...it all looked very business focussed. do you have a link please.

any other personal recomendations for counsellors, hypnotists or therapists in London or SE please?

Maybe this one?

I have a personal recommendation, I'll PM you. I cant afford it anymore or I'd be there now.

thank you bb8 Yseulte did call it an institute though so not sure?

any other personal recomendations for counsellors, hypnotists or therapists in London or SE please? for this:

*recover my self esteem which is not existant
*break by need for this man's approval
*end this Love Obsession with him and constant intrusive thoughts

Ok.....I got offered a good new job with a much better salary.

Already feel a little better about this guy.

thinking more about what to do with my own life.

I have a few weeks to kill before I start....holiday? Take my mind off it?

Well I had a near relapse today. Totally self-inflicted.

Engaged in some heavy duty google stalking of Him and of course found out latest info about his life. Back to major obsessing and ended up feeling really sad about the fact I miss him and think about him so much ... but I haven't even crossed his mind enough to cause a text or an email.

I SO badly wanted to call him. SO badly it was like a physical ache. It made me feel a bit sick thinking about it. I managed to not call him but fuck me I wish this would go away.

At the same time, a guy who has been chasing me (OLD) was chatting with me online and said he didn't like the idea of me seeing other guys. This made me EVEN more sad - that this man who a barely know wants me all to himself but The One I Adore wouldn't have noticed if I'd died in the past month and wouldn't care if I fucked the entire Australian Rugby squad.

It makes me feel so sad and worthless. I know alot of this is self inflicted torture - thinking about him and how little I mean to him.

At least I didn't contact him. At least I didn't contact him. Repeats to self.

Aw Siri

It hurts like hell and the stalking only makes you feel worse.

PM me if you want. I get it, I really do!

And at least you didnt contact him!

Even I can see how insane this is. I was looking at photos of him and thinking (with a pathetic 'melting inside' feeling) "he is so perfect". I rationally know he's not perfect, but in my mind he really does seem perfect to me especially physically. I think he is so beautiful. I could just gaze at him all day he is so attractive to me.
Now I'm back to 'why hasn't he called me' ;'what's wrong with me' hell.

Your giving this man the power over you. Your basically saying that he controls how you think about yourself.

That's wrong! Very very wrong!

You control how you feel. The fact that you felt better about yourself when he was around is down to your belief of yourself not because of him.

Start with challenging your language. He didn't MAKE you feel anything! When you were with him YOU felt like you had more worth.

It is you that controls you. Not others. Stop being the victim. Thanks the power and control back. Seek out some good counselling.

Everytime you think of him remind yourself that you hold the power to feel that way again. He didn't make you feel that way!!!!

Oh and that's part of the addiction you have over him as well. Because that's exactly what this is. It's being addicted to playing the game or dance of pick me.

You felt good around him because it was a game, an addiction. You want him now because he feels like the only solution to your sadness and lack of self worth. In truth you are the only solution to yourself no one else can fix this other than you!