Breaking the mental connection between

[SirisSister]

I've come to realise that I have a very strong mental connection between my own self esteem/self worth and the views of one man. It's more subtle than self esteem connected generally with opinion of others. Does anyone have any advice how to break this connection?

The whole story is a long horrific tale of low self esteem. The too long/didn't read version: I have had an on and off relationship with an emotionally abusive man for years. It wasn't really a relationship it was more a fall back girl type thing. Every post I've ever read on here about FWB/limerence/obession chimes with me. I finally made the break properly and did really well with no contact for over a year. One time he got lucky and contacted me in a weak moment. I saw him. It was all perfect and he said he'd changed and wanted to be with me properly. Like a fool I fell for it. Saw him again. He was so lovely. Slept with him. Since then not heard anything. We slept together on New Years Eve so it's now 4 weeks.

That is not actually why I'm posting. I've done no contact with him and I can do it again. It's getting back on the wagon.

My problem is that since then I've been really depressed because I keep thinking it's my fault that he doesn't want me. That if I were better, thinner, had more money, more social status, more charming, more social contacts that then he would want me. The detail doesn't really matter.

I feel like I must be a worthless person because he [a man who professes to like me, who I have great sexual chemistry with, seem to get on so well with] doesn't want me. And not just "doesn't want me" but actually can't even be bothered to type an email, text me or pick up the phone. I feel sick when I think about it and am torturing myself imagining him with other better women.

How can I break this connection between his dissmissal of me as a human and my own self worth?

(I'm limerent or obsessed with him so see him as a far better person than me. )

I became fixated on losing weight and having a great wardrobe, my hair perfect, always looking assured and sociable when I was out and about around work in case he saw me.

yes. this is me. I do this.l've not done weight loss maybe I should try that...

oh dear.

Love that won't help. IT'S NOT YOU IT'S HIM!!!

yes. this is me. I do this.l've not done weight loss maybe I should try that...

I dress for me and always have. I agree with destinysdaughter in that weight loss or changing your appearance wont work.

Why? I happened to know the name of one of his exes, becuase he told me. I looked her up on facebook and saw photos of them. Considerably older than me, doesnt dress well, and not trying to be cruel just stating a fact, on the BMI scale, I am sure she would come up as morbidly obese.

But he treated her like crap too and cheated on her, but she got to be his gf whatever the hell that meant.

The one he has dumped me for now is super skinny but as we know it isnt appearance, it wont make any difference.

siri is your guy still single that you know of?

Siri

Also in order to deal with this more constructively, what do you know about this mans prior relationships? Does he have a history of lying, using, etc. Mine does.

How is he as a bf?

what I was really hoping for from this thread was some practical tips to help me break this need I have to be in contact with him and have his approval - given the things I'd tried like no contacthadnt worked.

sounds like noone has any practical advice other than therapy. guess I'm stuck then!

I do really appreciate allof your posts and am grateful. maybe this is my lot in life, to love someone who doesn't even like me.

Have you read the stuff on Baggagereclaim about going No Contact? I think it's the only way!

I just don't see the connection between him not wanting a gf and therefore you being worthless. The two things aren't related.

it's him not wanting ME as a gf thats the issue. he has had other proper gfs but I'm only good enough for this hot.cold. shag stuff. others are good enough but not me.l'm only for an occassional date and hot sex. that's it.

I have read baggagereclaim and a lot of it makes sense. but I still love him and still feel this desperate need for him to approve of me, want me , likeme.

You've no idea why he went out with those particular women. I doubt he thinks in terms of who's better than who. It's often quite random.

He may be aware of your obsession with him.

Essentially you've given part of yourself away to this man, and that's what you need back. Not his approval or his validation. Yourself. That's what you have to work on.

it's him not wanting ME as a gf thats the issue. he has had other proper gfs but I'm only good enough for this hot.cold. shag stuff. others are good enough but not me.l'm only for an occassional date and hot sex. that's it.

I could have written that. WHY my one doesnt want me as a gf is beyond me. He have a good time together, have great sex, talk for hours.

BUT.....I can see this with mine as well, why do they come back for hot/cold, shag stuff. Is it because they cant keep a girlfriend very long? Can they commit to anyone? Even if you get to be the gf...what have the real gfs actually been given? Commitment? ENgagement? Fidelity?

You dont know how he treats his actual gfs, but same with mine, if he keeps coming back to you then he is in and out of relationships alot and what does that say about him? He cant be very nice.

Mine certainly isnt and I dont why he doesnt want me.

I cant break the mental connection. I dont know what to do about it.

Also I have considered that if I ACTUALLY got him, would I be happy or disappointed eventually.

We have got these guys on such a god damn pedestal that we forget they are flawed humans. They would disappoint us ultimately. Especially if they are the type of person to use someone for occasional sex, knowing they have feelings for them. Very selfish people ultimately

Also I have considered that if I ACTUALLY got him, would I be happy or disappointed eventually.

I know what you mean but I can't get past that "I'm not worthy of his attention in his eyes feeling". I'm sure that part of my pedestal-worship of him is because I don't see him that often. I only get him with his game-face on when he is doing the Mr-Perfect-Knight-In-Shining-Armour-Best-Date-Ever type act.

The low self esteem feeling comes in waves. I'll be fine for a few days; sort of dealing with the fact that he is on/off and hot/cold and pop in/out of my life. Feeling calm and knowing he'll resurface.

And then something will happen and I will have a huge wave of loneliness, feeling totally shit about myself, too fat, too ugly and longing for him. I'm in that phase right now. The first thing to start this intense wave was really dumb - I saw a photo of a friend of mine on FB - it was a sort of selfie with her Bf on holiday. He had his arm round her, their faces were together and they both looked really happy. All I could think was "he would never do that with me; never wants to take me on holiday; never takes that much joy just from my company; never be that affectionate in public with no prospect of sex" and so on.

It really hurts and gives me a sort of sad, small, shrunken "less than" feeling inside. That he just doesn't want me like that but at the same time I want to give him the moon, the stars and the world.

And the second thing was now its nearly 6 weeks since I last heard from him and I'm panicking that this is really off for good now and he won't come back like he did before. That he has other women who are occupying him now full time.

Him not coming back is the best thing that could happen.

It's clear, particularly from your last post, that your problems are nothing to do with this man. You have chronic low self esteem, and terrible relationship with yourself. There is only one way out of this and that's therapy. He is simply a focus for your issues, and if it wasn't him it would be someone else.

I know what you mean but I can't get past that "I'm not worthy of his attention in his eyes feeling". I'm sure that part of my pedestal-worship of him is because I don't see him that often. I only get him with his game-face on when he is doing the Mr-Perfect-Knight-In-Shining-Armour-Best-Date-Ever type act.

Oh yeah me too......! I am acutely aware of the fact that he only sees me as and when so he isn't remotely worried that he might lose me and doesn't care.

Also it is very, VERY easy to be nice to someone whom you hardly ever see. Because there is no bad history there and you have no expectations of each other. You are not all up in each others faces all the time, dealing with life and its problems. You meet, you have great sex, a nice catch up, nice conversation, nice dinner and you go off and don't do it again for a long time. So it is easy to be nice to someone....it's like having a permanent new relationship (albeit an on and off one) where everyone is nice and it's all fun every time.

But I did get an inkling of what mine would be like in a relationship. He had mentioned exhaustion and moods constantly. He said one of his exes left him for his moods. When we started seeing each other more often, he had a mood with me and took it out on me on one of our nights. It was horrible. I had literally done NOTHING to provoke that. We'd had great sex, a lovely catch up and later in the evening he just started ignoring me. For nothing. Didnt look at me, speak to me, touch me and just gave 1-2 word answers. Then when I pulled him up on it he acted as if I had beaten up his mother and had me apologising to him!

That would be the reality of living with him. With a real gf, when shit gets real and the honeymoon period is over and you have real expectations of the other....that is what you will be dealing with. An overgrown child and a moody bastard.

And that fits in with him wanting nsa sex....it's all about him. Maybe you're unfortunate siri that you havent had an inkling of what he is like. But even though I've had the inkling. I still want him. Dont ask!

All I could think was "he would never do that with me; never wants to take me on holiday; never takes that much joy just from my company; never be that affectionate in public with no prospect of sex" and so on.

I feel that too...but he takes joy from being with other gfs.

And the second thing was now its nearly 6 weeks since I last heard from him and I'm panicking that this is really off for good now and he won't come back like he did before. That he has other women who are occupying him now full time.

Dont panic.....that you havent heard from him. As long as you dont say anything, there is always a chance they can come back.

Mine went quiet on me and I didnt let it alone. I kept texting him and he eventually told me I have a gf now. That hurt.

Did yours ever say anything to say you'd see each other more often.

I don't think this has been asked yet (forgive me if I've missed it) but have you ever just said, either we're together, you're my boyfriend, or don't contact me again?

You've had a lot of good advice on this thread, but I can't help feeling that if you took some of the power back, you might feel better.

You've had a lot of good advice on this thread, but I can't help feeling that if you took some of the power back, you might feel better.

Felicia when it is that far gone, nothing makes it better. I know, believe me. I tried it with mine....he wasnt interested and so I back peddled and conceded to keep him around and I lost him anyway. Unless he comes back for a fuck one day.

If Siri called him out and he vanished she would feel worse probably than she does now.

When you're that far gone, you would rather have them in your life than not, even if it is more damaging.

If at any time, the OP tells him to be my bf or go away, he will go away and she will feel worse.

Felicia

I don't think this has been asked yet (forgive me if I've missed it) but have you ever just said, either we're together, you're my boyfriend, or don't contact me again?

No I don't think the OP has said this and my money is 100% on the fact that the reason she hasn't is she knows full well his reply would be "See ya!".

SoThatHappened

If at any time, the OP tells him to be my bf or go away, he will go away and she will feel worse.

I'm sorry but that is crap. The OP may very well feel worse in the short term but long term (and I mean very long term - I've RTFT and see there has been a long period of no contact) she is damn sure likely to feel a lot better if he goes away.

What you have posted above I think is the root of the problem here. It's a short term "high" and the expense of long term health. If you read all of this it does sound very akin to an addiction.

Like "I know drinking is bad for me. I behave worse. I get hung over. I feel depressed. I will stop drinking". Going a few days without alcohol. "I miss that lift I get from alcohol. I can't never drink again. I love that feeling. It makes me feel less depressed." Having a few drinks. A few more. Feeling great, buzzy, high. Next day. "I am hungover. I am depressed" round and round. This man is the same I think for the OP. She wants any kind of contact for a short term buzz and relief - instead of facing up to the need to break the cycle and break the addiction.

He is never going to be any good for her emotionally or psychologically. His behaviour shows he doesn't care. He hasn't been in touch with her for weeks!

I gave mine absolute hell....and he's gone. I regret it every day.

My story is identical to Siris. Literally. I still wish months later I had said nothing so I still could have been able to talk to him.

Siri seems to have it as bad as I do. Even when you tell them to fuck off an they do, you wish you hadnt.

What would help me get over mine is knowing why.

Knowing why I was good enough to be in touch with every week a few times to talk to. Knowing I was good enough to talk about life stuff with, good enough to have great sex with.

But not good enough for him to take me out,try getting to know me properly.

When I have had a relationship and it hasnt worked out, I draw a line. Because I cant say they didnt try and I know why it didnt work becuase we tried that and it didnt work.

But with this one. He didnt even try. I want to know why.

Knowing why I was good enough to be in touch with every week a few times to talk to. Knowing I was good enough to talk about life stuff with, good enough to have great sex with.

I suspect the answer to this is "because you let him". It is usually the answer to most "but why did he/she treat me so badly" questions.

Most men like having sex with an interested willing woman. If at the same time they are offering her nothing but she puts up with it, the "why" isn't very difficult.

But there must have been something about me he didnt like enough to make me his girlfriend. I have to know what it is.

They make others their girlfirned and offer more. Why not me.

I did get utterly sick of him at one point. For real. I stopped contacted him, wasnt interested and he really stepped up and was there all the time. I was stupid enough tot think he had missed me and realized. I have given up before.

It IS me.

He can make other his gf just not me. I have to know why I am so unlikeable to him.

Telling him to go away will make anyone feel worse - in the short term.

In the long term, you move on, meet other people, lay those old feelings to rest.

Honestly I had a boyfriend I was infatuated with, he treated me like shit and when we broke up I was devastated for a long time and thought about him with anger for a very long time.

Siri and SoThat, I really don't mean this to be harsh but i really think that both of you need counselling to explore why your levels of self worth are so low you'd put up with this because this man is so great. Mumsnet is great but there's only so much 100 different randoms on the Internet can do.