Breaking the mental connection between

[SirisSister]

I've come to realise that I have a very strong mental connection between my own self esteem/self worth and the views of one man. It's more subtle than self esteem connected generally with opinion of others. Does anyone have any advice how to break this connection?

The whole story is a long horrific tale of low self esteem. The too long/didn't read version: I have had an on and off relationship with an emotionally abusive man for years. It wasn't really a relationship it was more a fall back girl type thing. Every post I've ever read on here about FWB/limerence/obession chimes with me. I finally made the break properly and did really well with no contact for over a year. One time he got lucky and contacted me in a weak moment. I saw him. It was all perfect and he said he'd changed and wanted to be with me properly. Like a fool I fell for it. Saw him again. He was so lovely. Slept with him. Since then not heard anything. We slept together on New Years Eve so it's now 4 weeks.

That is not actually why I'm posting. I've done no contact with him and I can do it again. It's getting back on the wagon.

My problem is that since then I've been really depressed because I keep thinking it's my fault that he doesn't want me. That if I were better, thinner, had more money, more social status, more charming, more social contacts that then he would want me. The detail doesn't really matter.

I feel like I must be a worthless person because he [a man who professes to like me, who I have great sexual chemistry with, seem to get on so well with] doesn't want me. And not just "doesn't want me" but actually can't even be bothered to type an email, text me or pick up the phone. I feel sick when I think about it and am torturing myself imagining him with other better women.

How can I break this connection between his dissmissal of me as a human and my own self worth?

(I'm limerent or obsessed with him so see him as a far better person than me. )

It feels normal for me to not have even my closest family love me unconditionally in my most formative years. The feeling of having them not on my side, highly critical of anything I did and bullying me, that feels normal.

I guess when I get a guy who blows hot and cold and isnt all there for me battering my door down to be with me and being dismissive, I take that as normal.

It's nothing you do or don't do. He is the one with emotional problems because he keeps leading on a woman whom he knows is in love with him. He uses his power over you to get sex when he wants it and there is no one else around. You are his fuck budy ( horrible word) and that is all. He doesn't care about your feelings and will say whatever he thinks you want to hear yo get you into bed again.

Yes Miilliii I completely understand all of that. I get it all. I realise that he is just using me for sex (but only very occassionally when he is bored). I realise he doesn't care about me. I realise that I have no self respect even in engaging with him after the past and even recent present.

But that's not the problem I've got at the forefront; this isn't what is making me so depressed. The problem is that EVEN though I see all this with the rational part of my mind, I STILL want him to like me and care about me and the fact that he is so take it or leave it, makes me feel terrible about myself.

I mean he has friends he sees, people he likes. What is so fundamentally wrong with me that he doesn't even like me enough to treat like a friend? Why does he act so attracted to me but then doesn't want to know for weeks/months/ever? I can't get my head round the fact that this is something about me and my problem. If I were a better person, he would want me.

Something has happened to me to shortcircuit my brain so that I feel unless I am seeing him, having contact with him, any kind of contact I can't be happy. As I said above, I used to be happy and self confident and feel very attractive to men. Now (and for the years I've been in this on/off cycle) I feel unless he values me I am nothing. Maybe it's a manifestation of emotional abuse (I'm thinking of TV dramas where you have an abusive man shouting at his opressed wife "you disgust me. all my friends only tolerate you. they think you are a mess) - he's never spoken to me like that but maybe how I feel is a manifestation of the way he has treated me. Maybe it's how he wants me to feel. I really feel like I've lost my mind.

I do not understand how I have become so dependent on his view for my self worth. I do not underestand how to get out of this. As I have said, even after a year of no contact - literally no contact - I felt no better. No improvement.

OP it's like an addiction, for whatever reason it happened, so I think therapy is the only way. Have you started researching local therapists? I think you've been putting this off for too long.

LovePG I have no idea where to start. What should I be looking for? What kind of therapy do I need? I know I need to do something. I did look into hypnotists following the posts above but all the recommended ones seemed to be about smoking or weight loss. I need something for intrusive thoughts I guess or obsession.

CBT, I'd think - for changing the habitual perceptions and thoughts, but therapists who specialise in relationships could be a start and may point you in the right direction? Some offer a short initial talk for free or minimal cost so that you can feel whether it's right - but yes it could take a few initials to find the right one. Maybe try MH/Health section of MN?
Also I think quite a few mention self esteem issues as their speciality.

" If I were a better person, he would want me."
Sometimes I look at the relationships of female celebrities. Rich, gorgeous, talented. 'Perfect'.
( Jennifer Aniston etc ). And men still leave them!

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!

There's nothing wrong with you. It's his pathology. The only thing 'wrong' with you is that you're allowing him ( for whatever reason ) to treat you like this. Find out why and you'll be on the way to getting this man out of your head.

That's true actually. One of my ex colleagues has a better career than me, slimmer, more money, nice car, designer clothes and accessories, better social life, owns a flat.

She's been dumped 4 times by different guys in 3 years.

and yet I dont see it that way...just that I'm no good.

You are drawn to this man because he doesnt want you and rejects you. What was your relationship like with your father?

Did he contact you at all in the year you didn't contact him?

Something has happened to me to shortcircuit my brain so that I feel unless I am seeing him, having contact with him, any kind of contact I can't be happy.

It's so weird to hear someone else say it...

Did he contact you at all in the year you didn't contact him?
yes. I ignored it and didn't respond.

Sometimes I look at the relationships of female celebrities. Rich, gorgeous, talented. 'Perfect'.( Jennifer Aniston etc ). And men still leave them!

yes but that doesn't help here. men dating women like that are themselves in a higher level dating pool also with looks, fame ,wealth. and he like her enough to marry her. who did he leave her for? jolie. same status.

I'm sure if I was thinner, more beautiful, and more wealthy more social status he'd want me more. I'm not good enough for him

What was your relationship like with your father?
good.happy.

Brad Pitt left Jennifer because she was too needy and insecure. They have both stated it at some point.

Hi Siri. As you know I am a fellow sufferer, less time in though.

Can I say that the feeling not good enough thing is probably "man specific". In the sense that he makes you feel not good enough, and not every man wll cause that reaction.

Speaking from the position of someone who is sort of in your shoes, here are a few random thoughts on that.

1. I think whether one specific person wants you or doesn't want you, logically has no bearing n your inherent worth and status. I have the most sexy, gorgeous, fun and interesting friend in the world and she was dumped by a guy I set her up with (great guy) who went on to marry someone less attractive and midn bogglingly boring in my eyes. So I do think the "worth" of someone isn't set in stone, it's subjective. to many men you are probably the dream woman - just not this man.

1. I was reading on facebook this "relationship quotes" thing and it said if a man genuinely loves you and cares for you he will never ignore you or make you feel unwated. He will never stop texting you no matter how busy he is. He will do blah blah blah. Then I saw, also on facebook another quote from Baggage Reclaim that said when someone doesn't want to be in a relationship, or they have limited access to their emotions, or they are terrified of intimacy and commitment it doesn;t matter if you come wrapped in a platinum case with a bow on yourself promising the sun moon and stars - they won't want you. And I think the second quote is actually more true.

1. I really get the thing about other guys being boring, but that really is just because you are missing the thrill of the chase - the fruit machine that never pays out is more exciting to play than the one where you win every time. So based on you feeling like that...mybe the scuba diving analogy is right from the other thread and you're just not ready / looking for a committed relationship where someone loves you and makes it simple. Soooo...how about instead of viewing yourself as looking for this man to love you, why not take your power back and realise you enjoy the game, or suffices for now and be happily single?

1. A man like this (I KNOW) fucks with your self esteem. So how about you start rebuiding that? Like in the small ways you can make yourself feel good about you on a daily basis? It will make it so much easier to tackle it.

1. Also...there are meetings for SLAA - sex and love addicts anonymous, whcih I know sounds bonkers but I was reading up on it and it is all about people who don't love in healthy ways for some reason or another and I think we fall into that category!!

1. You seem to have the belief that he would love you if you were richer, better, thinner etc. but the honets logical truth is that someone else will always be thinner or richer and there's a point where someone just has to love you as you are or it's not worth having.

1. There are certain books I have been reading this month...attachment...women who love too much....men who can't love...hes scared, she's scared...mr unavailable and the fallout girl. And I have read these is desperation ovr why this one man makes me feel so weak and needy and it's helped me a lot. Can you try spending a few months tackling those?

1. If you absolutely can't (like me) seem to just be sensible about it, can you try and approach it from the other angle. Which is that weak men like this love bitches and love the chase. Therefore..the very best way to get his attention and commitment would be to become a kick ass strong lady who takes absolutely none of his bul shit? That way, even if he never comes around...at least you have gotten stronger.

I think very empathetic people end up sometimes with men like this at a low point in their lives.

I am a bit like you in that I am scared of commitment myself also, but genuinely I don't appreciate having my heart broken on a regular basis by the same person...so let's try and get through this!

These men are not great for us.

We know that.

We can get rid of them!

brown very wise words, thank you for that!

OP you need a really good psychologist or psychotherapist.

Out of interest, how was and is your relationship with your mother?

The reason I ask is that my own mother was a tyrant and we fought for any crumbs she tossed in our direction.

In my teens and 20s I had a series of relationships with unavailable men. Available ones too but they bored me. The worse I was treated, the more obsessed I got because it took me closer to the state that I was familiar with i.e. being unwanted.

At 30 I started seeing a psychologist and then a psychotherapist, and began to unravel the problems and change the way I related to others. Everyone, not just men.

Some years on, I had a dalliance with one of the unavailable men from my past. Lik your guy, he was incredible in bed but treated me badly. It was so interesting to go through because the sex was still fantastic but I experienced no lows at all. I did however, notice how fucked up he was, wavering betweeen adoration and criticism of me.

The great thing was that NONE OF IT BOTHERED ME. I was very selfish in taking the great sex and leaving him to deal with his issues. Like a little experiment to see how much psychological progress I had made.

I agree with the posters who say it's you, not him. There will always be arseholes available and we can't change that. But we can change ourselves to reject poor treatment and welcome true love.

thanks for your post brownpillow

re..the very best way to get his attention and commitment would be to become a kick ass strong lady who takes absolutely none of his bul shit? That way, even if he never comes around...at least you have gotten stronger.

I've been pretty good at faking this which is I think how I've managed to 'hold' his interest for so long even tho on and off - it's still been on and off for a long time.

why not take your power back and realise you enjoy the game, or suffices for now and be happily single?

I've actually had phases of this mindset. it's ok for a bit but then I always get hurt/feel the pain of loving him and him not caring a jot.

but genuinely I don't appreciate having my heart broken on a regular basis by the same person...so let's try and get through this!
Yes. Ditto. I wish I could get through it.

jerryferry

Out of interest, how was and is your relationship with your mother?
also fine like my dad. my parents are good people. this isn't their fault!

I've managed to fall in love with an utter shit who is emotionally abusive all by myself.I had a lovely upbringing.

I also have no previous 'bad boy' boyfriends in my closet.I just have a very strong and strange connection/fascination/obsession/chemical bond with this one satanic very very sexy man.

OK well that blows that theory haha

I agree he may have NPD. He comes back because you are a reliable "supply" of adoration which is his main objective. He may come to depend on it and if you meet someone else he may commit to you. But there is a future of pain and misery ahead if you ever have a real relationship. You have allowed him to use you and he won't respect you. Ever.

Think about what your future might be like with him... You have one life and my advice would be dont waste it on someone who plays with your feelings. If its NPD your worthiness has nothing to do with it, its about what he can get. And thats all it will ever be about.

Think about what your future might be like with him... You have one life and my advice would be dont waste it on someone who plays with your feelings. If its NPD your worthiness has nothing to do with it, its about what he can get. And thats all it will ever be about.

AugustMoon makes a good point...write here what your future with this guy would look like it you got him. Not the guy you want to be but the actual guy.

I agree he may have NPD. He comes back because you are a reliable "supply" of adoration which is his main objective. He may come to depend on it and if you meet someone else he may commit to you

AugustMoon I think it's a bit hard to tell if this man has NPD from OP's posts. Maybe - the part about being unemotional and the hot/cold stuff.

But even if that's right, I don't think he would ever come to depend on OP. People with NPD never do depend on anyone. Their attitude would be NEXT. They are always looking for the newer shiny toy, the new supply source that doesn't realise how broken they are inside.

I think OP (other than counselling already suggested) that you should go back to no contact and persist with it. Eventually, even if it's years and you have to wait till you find a new man who interests you, it should pass. Don't give up because after a year you felt no change. If it is that much of an emotional trauma for you, stands to reason you won't get over it overnight.

Your post rings so many bells with me, including the back story, I could've written it myself. The chemistry, the 'most amazing times of my life', we had it all. And he treated me like $^&! because I let him. I'm much further down the 'no contact' route than you are though, and whilst I can't say I'm completely healed, I no longer have an all-consuming obsession about him. I can go several days and then think "oh, I haven't thought about X for a while", which of course gets me thinking about him and sets me back but only a little.

Time and preoccupation are your greatest friends. You can do it, you've done it before. Fake it til you make it.

I work at the same place as Mr Wrong, but we manage to avoid each other and I haven't seen him for over a year (it's a big place, thankfully). I know now that if and when I do run into him I am mentally strong enough to deal with it. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of acknowledgement. I definitely wouldn't let him get under my skin again, it's been such a long and painful process at times, I could never go through it again.

I also thought it was me. I became fixated on losing weight and having a great wardrobe, my hair perfect, always looking assured and sociable when I was out and about around work in case he saw me. But it wasn't me it was him. Now I look like a bag of spanners again most days, and I've honestly never been happier. He was holding me back so much, but at the time I thought he was pushing me forward by validating me!

Good luck OP