Roll up, roll up, it's dating thread 96

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

We don't have get through these at speed....

The Rules

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin
3. Do no invest emotionally too soon
4. It's all BS until it actually happens
5. Trust your gut instinct
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you
8. If it's not fun- stop
9. Loo update is mandatory

10. No dating the thread 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches, and take from it what you will

Tuliptime, well, that irritation has passed. "I'm looking for somebody who's like me but not exactly like me'' is quite general, so I believe he read it, thought 'yeh, me too' and wrote it in.

If I'm brave enough, I can express exactly what I want, exactly what I feel and he can't do that. He is never ever not brave enough to try though, but he blusters and spits it out the message with no finesse.

He said in his profile that he was loyal and easy going. I think that makes me roll my eyes more than anything he lifted from my page! He is a typical ENTJ and he is an alpha male and he is a bit fickle and a bit ruthless in his personal life. He should put that! But I'm over it, it wasn't that bad because I was only 75% there myself!! I was holding back out of caution, because deep down I KNEW it.

I knew that it was all a big projection of an efficient idea he had, that we could work well together, compliment each other. So I believe him that that is what he wants. But, then reality made the possibility disappear and because he's efficient, he pulled the plug instantly. I think we want the same things but our personalities aren't compatible.
HONESTLY, that's it. I promise you all I won't mention it again.

Anyway, I deleted H's number from my phone yesterday because the memory can't store many more numbers, I had trouble adding somebody's number the other day, so it's practical more than a point to make myself feel better. He still appears in whatsapp though. Can't get rid of him there.

Better get up and get ready for my friend.

Well I been delivered roses and a little teddy bear!

WND, at this stage I wouldn't worry so much if he hadn't got you anything for valentine day but you never know, he may have brought you something!

Waving, it's not self indulgent, it's kinda what this thread exists for I do think! Don't call it off when you're so tired, sleep deprivation distorts our thoughts so much. See how you feel after today.

Mag well done for deleting, even if it was for practical reasons, it's a good bit of finality. Enjoy your day :)

Waving, I agree with Tulip. Lack of sleep always makes things seem worse. But in your shoes I'd also be feeling a bit fed up. Has Soho been in touch at all?

314, I'm so glad you're feeling better about H.

Rebecca, how lovely! I can't remember how long you've been seeing each other, but if it's for at least a few dates, I think that's really nice.

Well, my one iron, who I'll call Mr Goa, has sent me 3 messages since I sent him one yesterday. I know I'm probably being ridiculous, but it's putting me off!

Hi all and Happy Valentines Day! I love you all!

waving That's how I was feeling last weekend. It's horrible, isn't it? Lack of sleep is a big part of it, I think. I can't see the thing with Soho going on a year. Be kind to yourself today and see how you feel tomorrow?

314 Hope you are having a nice time with your friend. MrCanceller sounds good, even if you end up being "just" friends.

Rebecca Hi and aw on the roses. Are you please? I agree, it would have been off not to do anything after he hinted that you'd get something so good he followed through.

Tillyscoutsmum Welcome! Re timescales for meeting up, I agree, sooner rather than later is best, otherwise you just end up being penpals. Once you've established a bit of a rapport with someone, you should try and meet up, I think.

Tulip Enjoy your date tonight! He may well be a grower

Tanya Two irons..yay! Let's hope Arty improves his game...

dee good luck with Match. Are there any special offers floating around? I saw that eharmony was offering something at the moment, might give that a go again but I will definitely have to close down OKC and POF as I am getting seriously over-exposed!

Batshit Any news on a date with MrM?

Sorry if I've missed anyone!

No dating news from here. I'm having an incredibly productive weekend though - excellent gym session yesterday, hanging out with friends yesterday eve, and today is all about studying and housework. I'm too busy for men! (yeah, right! )
I am definitely NOT doing anything dating related today...too emotionally charged. But once today is over, I am going to message MrEloquent in a spirit of "nothing ventured, nothing gained". I feel stronger about the whole thing now, like I would be OK with no response.
I am also going to try to suggest to Mears that we meet up. Not sure how that'll go down as I do really think he's just after sexting but again, nothing ventured.
I'm also going to ask Mr2015 round for dinner. Not strictly dating news that, as we are supposed to be friends but it's probably the closest I am going to get to a date for a bit so...

Right, back to the studying...

I was crashing and burning (and wigging out and stressing and...) last weekend waving. This too shall pass...
Any chance of a nap?

Waving sorry to ask this but does Soho have children of his own? I think you said he does.... I am just back from lunch with my friend (49) and he is on dating sites too and he is still hoping to meet somebody who will have a baby with him!! He is fussy enough though and rarely wants to go on a second date with a woman, even though from what I can gather (he didn't explicitly SAY this, he's only messaging people under 40). So, not that many reply, and it hardly ever gets to a date, and when it does, they underwhelm each other. Honestly , he'd have SO much more success if he'd date women a few years younger than he is but he is still hoping to have a child.

I don't know what path to take here. Mr Canceller is 50 with no DC. And H is history obviously but he had nearly grown up DC and felt that our levels of freedom were disparate. So, what's the answer? A man a few years older - with children roughly the same age as my own? It narrows it down. Children complicate everything!

I am mostly finding men my own age are terrified at the idea of dating someone with kids. Even the 42+ year olds are put off! It is a massive obstacle. Oddly, Arty is not inclined to back off and he is only 34.

This thread's been busy today! Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Not that I have anyone likely to buy me anything for Valentine's Day, but I'd be a bit scared off if someone did after only a couple of dates. I also don't like red roses, or cuddly toys - I would prefer someone to know me a bit, enough to know that peonies or freesias and some chocolate would go down better ....

Mind you, my FWB sent me a happy Valentine's Day text this morning (seems to have got a bit clingy since I started online dating )

Waving , do you think you feel the way you do about Soho because of your long and abusive marriage? I know I react in weird ways now, because, despite 6 years of on and off therapy, I am damaged, and some of the damage isn't easily fixed? Forgive me if I'm wrong, though.

Folk yes, we are arranging where to meet next week - we have both been really busy, and I am out three times next week, and so is he ... but yes, definitely happening next week.

I'm 51, and would prefer to date men with older teenagers/grown up children in their 20s, like me. My age range is 48-53, which I know is narrow. And also there is the whole men in their fifties going to shite thing to consider. Slim pickings .... I am young-looking too, and don't want to go out with someone who doesn't look after himself. Just had a like on OKC from a man who is 70. Just no. No fecking way.

I know I've forgotten loads of people, apologies!

Yes waving I said to my friend earlier that I had dated a man ten years younger than I am (fake buddist) and a man ten years older than I am, and the relationship that felt the most emotionally authentic to me was with the younger man. So, I was telling my friend that I would fin it hard to feel "that way" about men 10 years older than I am. He's 49 and he got a message from a woman aged 39 recently telling him he's too old. He was shocked. I asked him when, if ever, he had dated a woman ten years older. he said he was hoping for a, what did he call it a hail mary pass. He is looking for a woman to come along and fix the apathy of his 30s and 40s. I think we depressed each other! Me, by telling him that a woman of 36, 37, 38 will consider him too old, and he depressed me by telling me that men with no children aged 49/50 are still hoping that it will happen for them. That if they date us, they're settling!? It was a pleasant lunch but I wouldn't say either of us cheered the other up or reassured the other in terms of what we wanted to hear. And he was advising me to be really cautious wrt mr canceller. I think he could see himself and his own options in mr canceller!

RE: soho no, it wouldn't have killed him to send a quick text! I think you're right. The next time it goes quiet, the next time he pulls his angst on you, you be the one to break it off. It feels better. Honestly I feel at least 70% relieved about H. 10% flat rather than sad. 10% irritated with him, and 10% annoyed with myself that I didn't listen to my gut.

re the abusive relationship, I think I am ready to be loved by somebody respectful and affectionate now, it's the practicalities that terrify me now. Where we'd meet up. Does he have a car? Do I have a car? Can I invite him to my house, or he invite me to his? Does he have children? want children? I read some self-help books. My self-esteem just improved over the five years that I did not date at all!

The first man I dated after my x, 2012, he was accepting, supportive, wise and kind, but not talkative enough. He never wondered about anything. Never chatted about what ifs..... but he was so nice and so kind. I went out with him just long enough to recalibrate something in me. But even settling for a relationship that didn't ignite me was something I did then that I'd never do now.

Then Fake Buddist, 2014 when I met him, it felt like the meeting of two minds! but he had been in a relationship with a controlling woman and tbh he wasn't as far along in his recovery as I was. He attributed feelings to me that weren't mine! So I ended it with him.

And then there was H 2016. That wasn't real. Bear and I have a connection but he doesn't want me. Sometimes I feel insulted by that and sometimes I feel it could suit me.

I'd better not have to wait til 2018 for another go! I don't think I will have to wait that long!

Born
E harmony I wouldent reccomend,!
Match just have the deal where if you join today and are still single valentines day 2017,they will refund your subscription 😐
I'm still deciding..but dying to read the messages!

314 I agree with waving. I wouldn't consider dating a 49 year old childless man that wanted kids. No way! My age range is 36-45 (I am nearly 39) and while I wouldn't rule out having more kids, it's looking less and less likely the older that I (and DS) get.
Ideally, I'd like a man in his mid-late 30s with primary aged kids, so we're in the same kind of life stage. Or have no kids at all, and don't want any, but are not fussed by the existence of DS...if such a person exists! Birdman claimed he wasn't put off by DS but I wonder if the reality of it (limited free time, babysitters) etc put him off? Meh, who knows.

No, I wouldn't message him either waving . I could be wrong, but he sounds a little bit like my father! Once, years ago, we were about 12 and 11, we were staying as a family in a Gite in France. My Dad drove off in the car to get treats and papers. He literally forgot about us. He found a nice village nearby, got chatting to some interesting people, decided to stay there for a beer. This was before mobiles. Then he reappeared the next day feeling relaxed and re-charged after his 36 hours alone in a nice village. My mother nearly divorced him over that. She's spent her life second guessing what mood he is going to be in.

I think it's what we both suspected, my friend and I. So, I will not suggest meeting mr canceller, if he suggests meeting I will say yes. But he has met me! He knows what he'd be getting. Like you, I don't want to be arrogant, but Bear who is younger than I am has complimented my body in glowing terms. I don't feel that I am ready to go for an older man yet.

I'm being very introspective right now. Gotta snap out of that. Keep going. It's a numbers game, so all the successful daters (male and female!)

dee I tried eharmony before and couldn't get on with it but am getting desperate now. Can't face match again...
I've got stacks of messages on Zoosk and I'm kind of tempted to pay to read them but it would be so depressing if they were all of the "how you" variety from fat 50 somethings in dirty vests...

waving well, I left my x in 2007 and I didn't date anybody until 2012! I did at times long for the companionship but I think I also would have found a good man who really cared about me too intrusive somehow. But you have your career and your older children and your self-esteem mightn't have been as damaged as mine was. Logically I knew my x was a bastard and a bully to keep treating me like dirt. I never ever believed him that I was incompetent, or chaotic, or hysterical or any of the other adjectives he fired at me. But yet, i did stay for years, so clearly on one level I felt I deserved no better.
I had psychotherapy but not immediately. Not until about 2010, so I'd already had three years to think about what happened to me. The psychotherapy helped. But I didn't walk out the door on the last day feeling ''phew, I'm fixed''. Actually, I walked out on the last day feeling like I felt the same as before. But I did start to react to things in a better way. I did begin to value myself more highly. To be less apologetic owning up to my own needs and my own 'agenda' if you like.

I'd say I am only really ready, really ready about now!

borntofolk thanks, I guess it's confusing if they message you first! and, how many dates before you can bring it up!? If I go out with mr canceller, and I'm not sure that we will, he's in no rush to suggest meeting up, I will bring it up. We have communicated quite a lot now, so if we were to get to a third date, I'd want to know if he was settling for me, killing time while he waited somewhat delusionally for a woman young enough to have his baby.