you know I've been living in my MIL"s house for over 2 years .... well I 'm moving out. Just me

[sunnywong]

that's it really

After yet another vicious row, yelling and roaring and swearing and screaming at me and this time hurling my camera to the ground and smashing it in front of the kids with MIL yapping away in the background, and that was from DH because "I wind him up". I have finally realised that I am not going to live here anymore and I 'm getting a rental property around the corner as soon as I can.

I don't want to split up from DH, I still love him and want to be married to him, but he has to choose which woman he wants to live with. Me or his mum.

I have the money to pay for rent now as I am working a couple of evenings a week as a chef and I know DH will help with all expenses.

The only thing is the kids. I haven't quiet thought it through. I told the big one, 5, that I can't have Daddy shouting and yelling at me anymore and that the reason we shout and yell is because it's too crowded in MIL's house so I was going to get a place of my own and the yelling would stop, Of course he cried and I told him it wasn't his fault and that I would still be around all day every day, which I will, just that at night I would go to my own place like all the other mummies (and daddies) had there own places and he could come and stay with me any time. Does that sound like I've effed with his mind or was it right to tell him? I expect he will do half the week with me and half with Dh and MIL if DH decides to stay with his Mum (my's boy). I do aim to be around all the time and be full time carer for ds2 who isn't at school yet.

I feel tremendously relieved that the root of my sadness and depression is coming to an end and I don't really know what will happen between me and DH but I think he has to step up to the line and choose which woman in his life he is going to live with

What do you reckon?

It sounds like a difgicult decision, but the right one for you. I think your explanation for ds1 sounds right, he needs to know that is not the way mummies are treated.
I hope you find somewhere suitable soon.

It sounds like a difgicult decision, but the right one for you. I think your explanation for ds1 sounds right, he needs to know that is not the way mummies are treated.
I hope you find somewhere suitable soon.

no . take your kids with you .

no . take your kids with you .

dont know your story sw but sounds like you've made the right decision for you. Think you've been very brave living with MIL for so long (I am dreading just spending the day with mine tomorrow )

I used to live with a guy who respected his mother and her wishes more than me, needless to say he's now an ex!!!

I hope your dh realises that you are his family and not his mother, good luck

Sorry to hear this - I think this can be a very tense time of year for families and that maybe you and dh can think about getting your own place together? Aren't you getting a place of your own built?

I would hate to live wil IL's for any length of time

and agree, keep your children with you and let your dh share the responsibility

I can't afford a place big enough for all of us

I don't want to rip the kids away from their dad and this isn't the end of our relationship just a huge kick up the arse that I'm not prepared to live with his mum anymore.

However, you clearly say "take your kids with you" from bitter experience, what is the worst that could happen?

The place you are planning on renting, is it far from your MIL's house?

Hope your DH comes to his senses soon and makes the right choice.

well we were getting and extension built so we coudl be separate from MIL but I really feel I need to make a stand as I warned DH that the next time he went off at me like this I was walking, I can't have the boys growing up thinking it's allright to yell : you fucking fat bitch: at their mother and break her things.

His own mother should be slapping him round the head and telling him to pull his finger out and get a proper house for his wife and family. But then they are Chinese and it's normal to live all together.

It's very hard for dh too, he wants to please everyone and he does his best and is a really great guy but this living arrangement is damaging our marriage and I can't do it anymore

Hi Kid

well the place I"ve got my eye on is very close, it has to be as DS1 needs to stay at school and I dont' want to cut MIL out of our lives by any means I just don't want to live in her house anymore. I'm 39. I 'm a grown up and I 'm a Westerner, not a demure traditional Chinese wife. Therein lies a pretty major problem I think

Could you afford to rent a bigger place if your DH moves with you and helps pay?
It must be awful for you having to stay and put up with it or move without your children.

Is that you Suzywong?

Bloody hell, I didn't know all this was going on. Can't you take the children with you? I completley agree, your dh needs to be with YOU and the children not his mother. Take them, go, don't leave them. I don't blame you for telling your ds but I think what he probably heard was that you're leaving him. Half and half is madness, don't do it, it'll break your heart and that of your boys.

much love, I didn't realise. xxx

How does your MIL treat you?

So what if it isn't big enough, they can sleep with you. Your boys I mean. Take them. He definitely needs a big kick up the arse, chinese or not. My ex dh was Indian and it's pretty traditional for a new wife to move in with the husband's family but I could never have done it. Poor you.

agree about it not being acceptable behaviour from dh, especially in front of the kids

what effect do you think it would have on dh if you walked out?

I'd worry about leaving kids making it more difficult if things did go "properly" wrong and you had to fight for custody.

I'm sorry to hear this is happening. His behaviour really isn't on.

What's the trigger, what normally starts this sort of behaviour from him?

And did you know that living with MIL was a likely outcome, right from the start?

sw sorry for hijack

wicked winter witch, I have a thread calling for you please come tell me

Why would you leave your kids, ever?

Rent a place to put your mil in but don't leave your kids.[/boggled]

really for you suzy. have you been rowing more since living there? must be such a stressful situation. hope things improve. xxxx

Suzy, you there? I agree with NQC, you really don't want to go down this road. xx

Suzy I really feel for you - DH and I lived together with MIL and BIL for 2 1/2 years in a 2bed 1box house and it was very diffucult at times - tension, walking on eggshells and no privacy/intimacy (and I get on very well with MIL) We now live next door and it is great - we have the best of both worlds. I really hope DH can see that it is wrong to treat you in such a way and that maybe things will be better for everyone if you get your own place together. I would struggle to leave the kids though - I would co-sleep (but then I do most of the time anyway!). I really hope things work out well for you.

It's not leaving my kids, I would be here before they woke up and stay until they went to sleep. I just can't live in someone elses' house any more. I just need my own space even if I have to pay for it and it's a few hours a day, try and put yourselves in my shoes.

I did know this was going to be our living arrangments yes but not for 2 and half effingyears.

MIL is an absolute diamond, can't fault her. But I can't live with her anylonger. It's humiliating and embarrassing to have another adult hear EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING I do. I can't take it any more

I spit the dummy today because DH who is a fantastic man and who has given me so much, took us away to a hotel for 2 nights the four of us. I came back here this morning and MIL had been in our room to open the windows to let a breeze in, it's been 36 degrees and it's here house ffs, and I just lost it and moaned that I had expected the room I slept in to bear some thin semblance of privacy, so I ranted and dh got in the middle seeing as he speaks the lingo - and all of you who judge me for wanting to leave imagine living in a world where you are dont' even understand wtf they are all talking about - and I shouldn/t have moaned to him as he tries to please everyone. Then we started yelling and we are a veyr passionate couple on all levels and wrong though it is we do yell and swear at each other and I just drove off and parked the car by the river in the shade and cried for an hour and then fell asleep for 4 hours.

MIL said she forgave me as she knows how hard the situation is - she's too nice - but now I feel totally ashamed of my behaviour but oh god I don't want to live here anymore.

I know people live 12 to a shack and have awful MIL's but for me, personally, I can't do it any more

sorry

The biggest responsibility a man has on contracting a marriage, imho,is putting his wife first, above everything else. You have moved continents to be with him, the least he could do is move house with you. Take your children with you and then you will see whether your dh is prepared to step up and be a husband and father. I am sorry you are in this situation but very much admire you taking steps to remove yourself from violence and abuse. Good luck.

OH he's not violent, I tower over him. He does everything he can for all of us and I have done a very very very bad thing in the past and he is still willing to put effort in to our marriage.
I just need a beak from this way of living, I need a break.

sorry to rant but that's what MN is for is it not, sorry