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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

you know I've been living in my MIL"s house for over 2 years .... well I 'm moving out. Just me

110 replies

sunnywong · 24/12/2006 09:01

that's it really

After yet another vicious row, yelling and roaring and swearing and screaming at me and this time hurling my camera to the ground and smashing it in front of the kids with MIL yapping away in the background, and that was from DH because "I wind him up". I have finally realised that I am not going to live here anymore and I 'm getting a rental property around the corner as soon as I can.

I don't want to split up from DH, I still love him and want to be married to him, but he has to choose which woman he wants to live with. Me or his mum.

I have the money to pay for rent now as I am working a couple of evenings a week as a chef and I know DH will help with all expenses.

The only thing is the kids. I haven't quiet thought it through. I told the big one, 5, that I can't have Daddy shouting and yelling at me anymore and that the reason we shout and yell is because it's too crowded in MIL's house so I was going to get a place of my own and the yelling would stop, Of course he cried and I told him it wasn't his fault and that I would still be around all day every day, which I will, just that at night I would go to my own place like all the other mummies (and daddies) had there own places and he could come and stay with me any time. Does that sound like I've effed with his mind or was it right to tell him? I expect he will do half the week with me and half with Dh and MIL if DH decides to stay with his Mum (my's boy). I do aim to be around all the time and be full time carer for ds2 who isn't at school yet.

I feel tremendously relieved that the root of my sadness and depression is coming to an end and I don't really know what will happen between me and DH but I think he has to step up to the line and choose which woman in his life he is going to live with

What do you reckon?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnywong · 24/12/2006 13:32

batters
we have worked through the Very Bad thing, dh does need to give it a name but he doesn't bring it up any longer

he is very sorry for breaking my camera, knocked it off a shelf when looking for my car keys. He has transfered the pictures on to disc and is buying me a new one.

He was just talking me through things and we agree that my thyroid problem needs to be sorted out - mercy you may know what it's like in a way, kind of - being ill this way makes it hard to be rational sometimes (forgive me if I 'm tarring you with my brush) We have also talked about homeopathic complimentary support as I am a very volatile person and go from sweet to red mist in 2 seconds sometimes.

I feel very drained now but confident that we can work through this and that DH is supporting me and that circumstances and living conditions will greatly improve and we can enjoy our lives to the full.

OP posts:
Yulemoonfiend · 24/12/2006 13:37

Suzy - what Jalopy said! Also had no idea of what your life was like....
Best wishes for a peaceful Christmas and hope 2007 brings whatever your heart desires

Crackle · 24/12/2006 13:44

I'm very, very relieved to return to this thread to see that you have resolved your crisis.

I do understand that stress can make anyone, even the most relaxed of people turn into complete strangers to themselves and their family. It is a very human trait.

I can remember a Christmas as a very little child when I was dragged with my howling siblings out to the car by my mum who was screaming 'Say goodbye to your Dad, say goodbye now!.'

That sort of stuff stays with little ones. I thought for many, many years that I had behaved badly and that's why we left.

TurkeyTrotter · 24/12/2006 14:01

Suzy...I had no idea this was how you were living - I think you are a saint
It sounds like you are really sorting long term problems out.
You have cope with a situation that would break the most angelic of us in half that time!
Have a lovely christmas and dream of your soon-to-be extension!
(notanOtter)

beansontoast · 24/12/2006 14:03

sunnywong....i had no idea that this would be your thread...no idea.

if this hadnt been resolved i would unashamedly be wrestling you to the ground with hugs...maybe id sit on you...trap your hands and tickle you too...threaten to dribble on oyur face? all the while you beg for mercy ...temporarily distracted from your plight and manufacturing bucketloads of endorphinwotsits to boot...MAGIC

anyway i have read the whole thing...was 'with you' every step of the way (in the very uncounsellor way of thinking of it all toatlly in relation to myself,my family and what id do,the pressures im under ,how much id swear etc..im more than relieved to find you have made peace....impressed but not surprised by your humility...well done.

xxxxxxx

batters · 24/12/2006 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandra · 24/12/2006 16:44

I have been reading through this thread with the words "don't leave your kids, don't leave your kids, please" sounding at the back of my mind. But possibly that was because everybody that knows my MIL and DH would agree that given the same situation, MIL would convince DH to close the door after me and never return DS.

I think that after such blow out things can only get better, as everybody tends to be very careful not to thread on each other's feet, so I'm very glad to see things are looking better, really do. Your MIL sounds fantastic. BTW.

motherinfurrierfestivefrock · 24/12/2006 17:32

Suze, have only just seen this. I'm so glad you're working something out.

Mr Inferior and I are both very shouty and sweary and it's very very wearing. And that's with a considerable amount of space to live in. I do, massively, feel for you.

Pixiefish · 24/12/2006 17:42

Glad you managed to get it sorted

breadgirl · 24/12/2006 18:16

Just saw this .. sorry to hear about this, but also good to know it's being sorted nicely
I suppose it is hard to live with your in-laws. When i had mine over (and MIL's mother also staying) i'd just given birth to dd1, it got a bit too much for me .. and they were only staying for 6 weeks!

all the best

turquoise · 24/12/2006 20:06

Saw this earlier and couldn't post, SO glad to come back full of advice and see that you've sorted it out.
I so sympathise and am incredibly impressed by the way you've dealt with it all. I lived with my MIL for 10 months and it was probsably one of the many nails in the eventual coffin of my relationship. I really understand what that lack of privacy can do, no matter how good the MIL, how good the relationship. I think you've been saintly, and your dh really needs to see what you've sacrificed.
I'm pished and waffling, but just want to add my support and general soppy stuff in your direction. xxx

batters · 26/12/2006 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sunnywong · 26/12/2006 10:32

Yes, thanks
we had the house to ourselves for 48 hours. Bliss. Still a big eggshell-ish but that's just a hangover from the row stress. It's stinking hot though but mustn't grumble.

OP posts:
dasherdancerandvixen · 27/12/2006 03:31

Hi sunny!
I just read this. Im so glad you got it all sorted...i guess in global terms you are just around the corner.
Im so pleased you got the situation sorted out, it sounds very trying.
Ill look out for extention news. Hope it goes well..and uickly..

dasherdancerandvixen · 27/12/2006 03:41

I also meant to say, I know what it i like to be in a totally alien culture and have different social rules applied to you - like lack of privacy not being a big no no....it is so hard, esp when you are not fluent in the language...and even harder once you have children.

You are doing so well. I think that having to live with such different values day in day out, and not being able to retreat to your western space in a foreign land...I tink you are doing very well. Dont be so hard on yourself. It is very very difficult.

You are not Chinese and dh married you. He chose you, and everything you are, so he has to try to understand when you find it difficult.
I hope he bought you a bloody good camera..

Btw...he sounds lovely...as do your boys...

kiskidee · 27/12/2006 05:57

there is no way on earth i could have lived for even 6 months with my mil and she is a lovely woman. i don't know how you did it. hats off to you. i couldn't stay on when i first read your thread but glad that things have improved so much. roll on 2007!

maomao · 27/12/2006 06:45

Oh dear, I was hoping this wasn't you. I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time, but am very glad to see that you are not moving out after all. Surely, as you respect you MIL and your husband and try and understand their cultural background, they will do the same for you. Not that that makes everything okay, for I know how difficult it is to live with a MIL, trust me! But what I am saying is that whilst apologising, I think you should mention these cultural differences and talk about them now that you have calmed down. And I don't think you should feel you have to bend over backward, or "take it all back" by any means. Your DH needs to realise that you have your limits too.

sotheycalledmeparapapillon · 27/12/2006 07:24

Hang in there Suzy

Someone suggested you try to not argue in front of the kids, do you think this is possible, or is the house too small?

Original poster
sunnywong · 27/12/2006 13:00

hello

Well you know when you buy shoes and they come in a box - well that is the size of the house.

We are going OK now, thanks, just reiterating the ground rules we set earlier in the year. I do periodically ask DH to give me a sugar lump and a pat on the flank for doing this, and he does so because he knows that's what I need.

How is everyone else going?

OP posts:
foxyfox · 27/12/2006 18:35

So...when is the extention due to be finished?
I still think you are a saint!

jampots · 27/12/2006 18:39

OMG suzy I didnt realise all this was going on

Please email me (i know you cant get onto MSN atm)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/12/2006 18:50

Oh arse Suzy....sounds like a mare.

Glad its sorted.

I do know how you feel - my 'MIL' (to be) is an absolute diamond woman. However, when I was living with DP and his parents, the littlest thing would be like a grain of sand in your eye after a while.

Two adult women, living under one woman's house rules - however fair they may be, are still some other woman's house rules.

I used to get narked at DP's mum checking to make sure I hadnt taken my clean clothes out of the airing cupboard too early. The fact that she washed and ironed my clothes for me was great (even if it was because she didnt want me to touch her washing machine and iron).

Original poster
sunnywong · 27/12/2006 22:44

Ha!

Yes VVVQ, MIL used to aske "They dry????" every time she saw me taking the washing in off the line. Grain of sand indeed. I have had to ask dh to ask her not to even look at my laundry, even if it's on the line and it's raining - don't touch it. Petty in the extreme I know but it's just some tiny piece of control over my environment.

foxyfox - extension should be finished by June, and that's OK

OP posts:
israel · 27/12/2006 22:53

Suzy....g-day girl....
Bloody mils and their sons....
We must meet for a chat.

breadgirl · 27/12/2006 22:54

Sunny Wong, i really understand!!! can i join in a bit ..
When my PIL and Dh's aunt came to stay for a few weeks last year, they kept trying to 'take over' .. i'd wake early in the morning to find AIL had already gone through my washing basket, bunged clothes in for washing .. later to fight with me to hang them out!!
I really minded because she mixed any clothes together, whites or not, and also i use non bio with my dd's clothes .. and my dirty washing is MY dirty washing!!