you know I've been living in my MIL"s house for over 2 years .... well I 'm moving out. Just me

[sunnywong]

that's it really

After yet another vicious row, yelling and roaring and swearing and screaming at me and this time hurling my camera to the ground and smashing it in front of the kids with MIL yapping away in the background, and that was from DH because "I wind him up". I have finally realised that I am not going to live here anymore and I 'm getting a rental property around the corner as soon as I can.

I don't want to split up from DH, I still love him and want to be married to him, but he has to choose which woman he wants to live with. Me or his mum.

I have the money to pay for rent now as I am working a couple of evenings a week as a chef and I know DH will help with all expenses.

The only thing is the kids. I haven't quiet thought it through. I told the big one, 5, that I can't have Daddy shouting and yelling at me anymore and that the reason we shout and yell is because it's too crowded in MIL's house so I was going to get a place of my own and the yelling would stop, Of course he cried and I told him it wasn't his fault and that I would still be around all day every day, which I will, just that at night I would go to my own place like all the other mummies (and daddies) had there own places and he could come and stay with me any time. Does that sound like I've effed with his mind or was it right to tell him? I expect he will do half the week with me and half with Dh and MIL if DH decides to stay with his Mum (my's boy). I do aim to be around all the time and be full time carer for ds2 who isn't at school yet.

I feel tremendously relieved that the root of my sadness and depression is coming to an end and I don't really know what will happen between me and DH but I think he has to step up to the line and choose which woman in his life he is going to live with

What do you reckon?

So sorry you are having a crap time Suzy. Does he understand how totally unacceptable it is for a western woman to live with her mil? You are a saint in my book to have gotten this far.
Tbh I would just take off to a hotel for a few days to think it all through and see if it is at all tenable to live away from your family. I think it would have to be very, very difficult and particularly difficult to backtrack from. Be careful about creating a feeling of abandonment in your dc's and more fuel for your mil's fire.
My instinct is that you should stay and fight for you all to move out.
I never, never do this but if I was nearby I would give you a hug.

My friend did a similar thing she left the kids in with dad and moved a few doors away with her family thinking that it would all get sorted he decided to make the split formal and she lost custody of the children they only get to see her once a week for half a day she never expected this to happen and was devistated and her children have been very damaged by all this I just hope that this doesnt backfire in a similar way

SW somehow guessed this would be you. No advice as never been there, bt totally understand the thing about not wanting to live that close to family. I love mine, (they are up for three days after Xmas) and I KNOW I will be realy happy to shut the door on their backs on Sat!! (and this is MY house...) So I totally get where you are coming from - you need a room of your own...

feel free to rant my dear - I think you need it! I think you do need some space and if you are there all day the DSs will not lose out on anything. Good luck. xxx

thanks Carn
I never do hugs either so let's settle for a manly pat on the arm and when I 've stopped crying I 'll tell you about the super catering company I am working for and the menus and mansions I have worked in just hte last 2 weeks

Yes, I am beginning to see how hard it would be to back track from moving out. MIL has gone to BIL"s for xmas. I want to call her and apologise. Maybe I should do that as I do respect her and don't want to fall out with her at all.

You can rant all you like here Suzy and we'll listen, it is absolutely what mn is for. And we're not judging you, not at all, well, I most certainly am not, not at all. It must be very very hard indeed. But I guess we're thinking that you might regret it a tiny bit and that your boys will miss knowing that you're there. You want to give gim a wake up call, take them. Isn't that all you want to do? Show him just how angry you are? Make him understand?

Oh Suzy, I'm so sorry!

If you have enough money to rent yourself couldn't the both of you afford to do it with a family size home just round the corner from MIL - or is DH being a nob?

You are right, it isn't on him shouting at you like that, in front of the kids or not.

I don't know about leaving the boys - just from a legal postition in case it gets that far.

And it was the thought of loosing DS (maybe more than me) that finaslly got DP's arse into gear for me. I'll email you.

Oh yes please do, sounds fab, perhaps this is all a symptom of you getting a bit more independence work-wise? I know that when I am busy my self esteem rises and I am less likely to want to put up with the daily domestic drudge. Maybe you feel you have more options open to you because people outside the home are appreciating you?

Right, I've just called MIL who is at BIL's and apologised to her for making her feel uncomfortable in her own home. She says it's OK, don't worry she understands. I need to go and boil my head I think.

The ironic thing is we are about 3 months away from starting the extension work and as Schneebly says, getting the best of both worlds.

Just for the record, I have possibly a worse temper and a fouler mouth than dh.

Well, in which case, kiss and make up with dh, tell him the extension MUST start on time and get finished quickly. But he needs to not shout in front of people. You do too by the sound of it (I speak as one who also has unspeakably filthy temper and whose dd learnt 'fk off' a couple of months ago as a result)

what a hard situation . when you say you never knew you would be there for all this time is that what your DH thought too? I would be worried that this new arrangement might suit your DH a bit much too and he'll be even less inclined to leave .

You are obviously fond of your mil(at least she doesnt smell, do you want to swap), you have lasted this long, I think you will last until the extension, with extra-thick walls, is finished. It will be worth it in the end.

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Oh Suzy, you deserve a bloody medal for putting up with it for so long. No answers/advice, except really do think very carefully before leaving the kids even if you do plan to be in the house all day. Have no idea what divorce law is like in Australia but if it ever got to that point, it could be a very risky move.

thanks everyone

you have contributed to the staying together of the Wong-mymaidenname househould . Thanks. I told ds1 I was not moving out and DH was impressed I called MIL to apologise. And I had to speak to Vulcan SIL to make the phonecall so he knows what a big deal that was.

I can get through the next few months. I 'm just so ashamed. I 've apologised unreservedly to DH and MIL, we have such a short way to go before it works out. The extension will be a self-contained apartment and large pationpergolaverandah just for me and DH.

Sighhhhhh - how can I retain any shred of dignity after my hissy fit?

Oh good, good, good. That's great. Now just be sweetness and light for all of Christmas you great drama queen

(I know it was serious, am trying to make you laugh!)

Can you sit down and have "living together and not killing each other" rules in the interim?

If having your MIL go into your bedroom annoys you (understandably!) can you make that clear to her and ask her not to do it, ever?

(Re: the shouting and passionate thing ... hmm ... maybe ... but not in front of the kids, surely?)

lol at vulcan sil

sound slike you are a few months away from a good set up. Does your MIL babysit? could you and DH agree to go out for your dinner together a few nights a week? would be cheaper than renting somewhere and would give you space and time together?

hooray . go & hug those fragrant boys. make sure dh buys you a new camera.

Put it down to the stress of the 'festive' season

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great! you are all lovely and wonderful (apart from the vulcan obviously )

good that it is more sorted
but DH owes you an apology too does he not? (and a camera)
You have behaved in a very grown up and magnanimous fashion if you ask me, well done! (not sure I could have done it so am very impressed)
Living the way you have been is my idea of hell, hope you can get throught the remaining months until the extension is up. meanwhile hissy fits are excusable I reckon and mnet is always here to hear you rant - I think everyone can understand the stress your living situation puts you under!