Please help. Husband leaving after 26 years

[tartanbuggy]

I am starting a new thread with a post that I posted within another (very helpful) thread. Just looking for some hand holding please. So very sad.

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. This will be paid into my separate bank account. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please, MNers, let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

Your brain is, understandably, in overdrive atm by the sound of it. Mine's like that.

A few strategies that work for me: sod the housework: rest in bed or bake or watch some undemanding yet engaging telly (propertu programmes do it for me!) This is not self-indulgence - it is looking after yourself.

And remember to eat :).

Counseling. Counseling will get you through this. Sound like a broken record, don't I?

Another thing is to remember that your life is in a state of flux, of real change. And remember that this is the way you feel right now, but you won't always feel that way. Make that your mantra and repeat it over and over. And don't be 'afraid' of feeling the way you feel. You don't want to wallow in it, but you don't want to completely deny the feeling, either. You do have a reason to feel sad and frightened. But you also have the ability and reasons to be happy. And you will be happy.

As far as him and her, chances are that they'll implode at some point and we all wish we could be there to see it. But never think that your children could love her more than they love you. Even if they do end up meeting and getting along with her, that takes nothing away from their love for you. You are their MUM, the centre of their hearts.

... And the early morning blues strike again Isn't it odd how there are certain times of day when things just seem worse? Early morning, getting in from work, Sunday evenings ...

Thank you, as always, Pisco for your wise words and comfort. I feel like a toddler who needs to be told things constantly; it reminds me when I left the twins at pre-school for the first time and made the huge mistake of waiting until they were playing happily and then slipping out. For weeks and weeks afterwards, each time I took them to pre-school I had to keep repeating "Mummy will come back. Mummy always comes back." It became a bit of family mantra for anybody who needed a bit of reassurance about things.

Oh God! Remembering back to that incident has just made me howl It's as if my past has been destroyed. All the little memories and childhood instances now seem tainted, dead and hollow; built on a false foundation. It's unbearable at times. It always felt a little sad and nostalgic as the kids grew up and changed from the endearing, dependent little toddlers, but that was a natural process and we all enjoyed talking about things they had said and done and which had since passed into family folklore. Now, it's a place that is far, far too painful to visit but I don't want to lose it either. I'm sure that when I'm rational and able to view things through a lens of normality, I'll be able to see all these feelings as a normal part of the "grieving" process. Grieving ... it's not grieving a death - I've done that (and am still doing it) twice in the last few years - but it's grieving for something different. In some ways it's harder to understand and take in. I loved my parents dearly and have cried for them every single day since they died, but I understand what happened to them and why and I know they died loving me and my brothers and wanting only the best for us all. I know that DH and I had drifted and the early love, lust and romance had gone, but the death of this marriage has been utterly brutal, shocking and bewildering and I cannot, cannot, make sense of it at the moment. It's awful, isn't it?

AcrossthePond, I will keep repeating your mantra because I think it's exactly what I need to keep me going! You will be pleased to hear that I have arranged an initial counselling session tomorrow and hope to be able to start to work through some of my issues. I have been able to arrange this through work's sickness insurance policy and the scheme will pay. Counselling is not cheap, but it's so important. Finances have now become suddenly very tight - overnight almost - and I don't really have the means to pay for extras like that. Having said that, it would be a false economy not to because if I go into meltdown and can't work, then it's going to be worse for us all in the long run.

Thank you Agatha, especially for the last paragraph in Thursday's post, and SilveryPussycat for your support and encouragement. Posts like these help me immeasurably when I'm feeling down and hopeless. I can't get to grips with the depth of my despair, at times, and the physical feelings of panic and terror.

I do so hope these will abate because it's exhausting feeling like this; absolutely awful. I just can't get my head round the fact that somebody who had been such a close part of my life for so long and who, although we may have drifted and become snipey and bitter at each other at times, I never would have dreamed would have been capable of putting me through something like this. I don't know if he knows or even if he would care if he did. I think he has convinced himself that he wanted out of his loveless marriage because I had made it quite clear that I disliked him (those were his actual words) and that now having got rid of him, I am probably quite happy. He did say that if he was as horrible as I made out then I should be quite happy being without him and he couldn't understand why I hadn't gone a long time ago. Almost like The bitch has finally got what she wanted. Hope she's happy now!

Does any of that make sense? Do you think he feels any pangs of guilt or concern at all? I wonder if, in the dead of night, he feels anything like fear, regret, anxiety? Of course, if he does wake up then he's got OW to soothe him and tell him he's doing the right thing and that he had to be true to himself and put his feelings first etc etc. Or maybe he's just convinced himself that I was the enemy and deserve all I get. That's how it feels.

Is what he has done typical of a mid life crisis? So many people in RL and online have used that term and I have been reading up on it. So many of the telltale signs were there with DH and in some cases have been there for a very long time. It seems as if, in some instances, it's almost like a neurological condition and certainly the absolutely "explosive" way he executed the break up, seems that it had been simmering for a long time and then the OW was just the final catalyst (again, another word he used). But now, it's true love and they have moved in together. I also read that mid life crises may last for a number of years, even a decade, but then can abate. I wonder if many men (and I guess women too) who do this sort of thing, find that it eventually goes wrong for them and they regret it? I know that some go on to stay with and even marry the OW (OM), but in DH's case, I find it hard to think what sort of future relationship they will have? Stay together and she wants children; DH becomes a dad again at pushing 60 and ends up with teenagers at pushing 80. Or stay together and she wants children; DH doesn't and relationship founders. Or stay together and neither want children; she ends up looking after DH when he's an old man and possibly regretting not having a family if DH dies first. Or - and I have to say this - DH and OW live long and prosper; like a pair of bastarding Vulcans!

Anyway, enough ranting and navel-gazing from me. It's becoming like one big long regurgitation of bile and bitterness from me; not the sort of person I hoped to become. I always wanted to be serene, wise and much-loved, with just a hint of wit, wickedness and and a bit of sparkle. Sort of Ma Walton meets Mae West. Trouble is, I seem to have got their attributes the wrong way round ... Hey ho, off to bake some Parker House Rolls laced with arsenic. Peace offering for DH and OW??

Oh, I owe a couple of people a PM. Will be doing this very soon. Thanks, as always, to everybody for all your tremendous support and help.

Bloody hell, I've just read this and I'm so sorry for you and your children - I imagine it must be hard (and also a bit creepy) for them knowing that their dad has abandoned their mom for a colleague that's only slightly older than they are. What a prize arsehole.

Don't let him get away with the 'the marriage was dead' bullshit and placing the blame at your door - a marriage is a partnership, and he was just as responsible for making it work, and it's certainly no excuse for adultery. Take comfort that if he's telling the truth (as he believes) about the other woman in that his 'lovely' girlfriend aggressively pursued her married boss - not exactly trustworthy. With any luck, she'll end up ditching him for a younger model...

Hope you take him to the cleaners, don't let him fob you off - you need to play hardball so that you and your family get what you deserve. I also desperately hope that your children come out of this ok.

I always wanted to be serene, wise and much-loved, with just a hint of wit, wickedness and and a bit of sparkle.

Tartan, you do come across as serene and wise. You are much loved. Your children love you. Your parents love you but it's so sad that they aren't here to show you that love now when your need for them is great. The love you thought you had in your marriage is the problem - it does not mean you are entirely without love in your life.

You write beautifully. Your wit, wickedness and sparkle come across perfectly. But so does your pain and despair.

I know it's a cliche but time is what you need to start to heal. Your battle wounds will make you stronger. The wounds are raw right now. They will heal and scar you - it's part of who you are. You can get through this.

Tartan I have lurked but haven't posted on your thread before now but just wanted to tell you that your last post makes complete sense to me. The headfuck that the person that you thought was your best friend, that you thought you could trust with your life, has basically become your worst enemy and will now try to stab you in the back, but you have to still deal with the person/situation, that is so so hard to get your head around.
As for the grieving it is a death, it's the death of the future that you thought you had, hopes and dreams etc and now the future is another planet almost.

Thank you MetalMidget! That's exactly what he's done: placed the blame at my doorstep and I am having such a hard time trying not to believe it. You hit the nail on the head when you say marriage is a partnership and if he was as unhappy as he said, then he didn't take any steps to try to sort it out - at least, not that I was aware of. I too have been unhappy for a long time and did stick my head in the sand, but didn't resort to shagging somebody else. Thank you, as well PeppermintPatty - what lovely things you have said . It's so nice to get a bit of an ego boost.

I love the name AmIbeingTreasonable. Yes, complete and utter headfuck! I just cannot get to grips with it: the total reversal and everything that goes with it. It's actually proving the most difficult thing for me to deal with and is really affecting how I see myself and what I thought was the truth. It is so, so difficult to understand how he could do this to me - deliberate, cruel and uncaring. It feels like constantly being punched in the stomach. Yes, too, to the grieving. It is the loss of the past; the loss of a huge chunk of it. Everything seems tainted and it actually hurts to think of things we have done, places we have gone, things the kids have said when they were little because it all seems false now. So, so painful. And, as you say, the future is another planet. A distant, unimaginable totally terrifying planet.

I am hurting so, so much at the moment. It comes on like a huge tsunami and I feel so much hurt and despair. I am so frightened and frantic and I just want to go home. I wish I could go home.

I wonder if either of them feel any pangs of guilt, any qualms about what they have - jointly - done. Do they really look forward to building a happy and meaningful relationship on the back of such hurt, betrayal and deceit?

Sorry, MNetters, I am having a really really bad day today for no apparent reason. The misery is all encompassing. It's raining. It's grey. DD1 is having a sad and low time which is part of her overall condition at the moment and I feel helpless and frightened for her. I'm trying to be strong for all of the DCs and not to say anything about her dad that might upset DD2 or put too much on to DS. It's hard though because when I cry, all I want is for them to comfort me.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. I find it tends to swing from one extreme to the other and sometimes I'm OK. I had my first session with a counsellor a few days ago and it was so helpful. I really liked her and can't wait for my next session. Friends have been hugely helpful and supportive, but it's something even more to speak to a professional and to unburden myself about things I haven't really spoken to other people about. I'm hopeful that this will help me back on the path to "normality" and help me feel better about myself.

Placing the blame on you and not feeling any remorse is all part of "the script". He/they convince themselves it is your fault because otherwise how could they live with themselves assuming that either of them had a conscience in the first place.
Do not give these thoughts any air time in your head. Even though you may not have been perfect in the marriage, after all who is, he has CHOSEN to do this to you and your children

Don't tell him what you are doing or thinking.
He says you and the kids can have the house, he will pay the mortgage but he means it will still be in his name
He could kick you out and sell the house anytime
You need to stop trusting that he will look after you
He does not have your best interests at heart
You need to get this legally arranged without consulting him or trying to pacify him
His decision to leave
He has future earning power you don't
Don't listen to what he says you should get, get exactly what you should get no more no less by going the legal route
Do this for your kids so that they don't have to worry about taking care of you
How mean to leave you for another woman and say this is a by product of a bad marraige
What did he do to work on it
He is dressing this up but it is adultery and his behaviour is poor
He is trying to pull the wool over your eyes so that you get less than you deserve
At the very least now you need financial security
Very best wishes

^^ What Serene said.

You're used to thinking of him as a 'good husband', someone you can trust. That's completely natural, we all (as a rule) trust our husbands/partners to have our interests at heart. I think you haven't quite changed that mind-set yet. If he says something your first (subconscious) instinct is to accept it, but that's something you have to change. He's no longer thinking of you first, no matter what he says or does. His first interest now is him. How to get what he wants, how to be sure you don't get what you need.

If he gets 'personal' (i.e. talking about the state of your marriage or your 'faults' ) refuse to discuss it. It's in the past and serves no purpose now. Why should you listen to him try to justify himself? What on earth purpose does it serve other than to make him feel 'better' and God knows you certainly don't need to be part of that!

View everything he says with suspicion and doubt. Agree to nothing without legal advice, or at the very least running it by trusted friends.

Everything seems tainted and it actually hurts to think of things we have done, places we have gone, things the kids have said when they were little because it all seems false now.

This too shall pass. My one and only 'trip' to Europe was a result of my abusive ex-husband being in the military, we were stationed there about a year and did some traveling about. It took a long time before I could 'divorce' my memories of those travels from the fact that he was there. The fact that he was part of those memories, as you say, tainted them. But eventually I was able to mentally 'remove' him from them and remember only the beautiful sights, people, and things we I did. You'll get there, too.

Gosh, I didn't realise how far the thread had slipped. Shows how busy this board is.

Lovely to hear from you AmIBeingTreasonable, Serenelight and AcrossthePond - thank you! You make so many good points and I can't describe how much it helps me to read your words over and over again. I think you're right AcrossthePond when you talk about not changing the mind-set yet. It really is a default position and I keep going back to it and then feeling stunned to realise all over again that it's not true and he has become a hostile, disinterested (if you can be both of those things together) stranger. Then he's a kind and loving dad when he picks up DD2 for their twice-weekly meetings

I feel like a broken record at times: "Tell me again" "Tell me they won't last" "Tell me it's not me" "Tell me he's being cruel" "Tell me .... " I worry about people getting sick of me and having to repeat the same things to me over and over again, so I'm trying to limit the amount of time I call on people. Friends do have their own lives to lead.

Am seeing my counsellor again this afternoon and I'm looking forward to that. Last week was a particularly difficult one with lots of anniversaries cropping up and lots and lots of sadness about people who have gone and people I will never see again and places I don't feel I can ever go. I hope this tainting of memories will pass soon because I feel it's starting to define me and until I sort that out, it's so difficult to move on.

God! I'm Little Miss Cheerful at 7.00am on a Monday morning. Here's hoping for a better day.

Thank you all.

When you are going through hell, keep going! It's the only thing you can do.
In my situation I really really did not think I could go on, I did not want to live, did not see how I could live BUT my children had just been abandoned by their father (moved overseas, never seen again) and I simply could not do that to them, make them orphans, I had to live for them. I'm not saying at all that you might be thinking like this, just showing the depths of despair I plummeted to, but I hung on, by my fingernails, through all the rage that I felt that he could do such a thing to his children, the abandonment and the emotional damage that he was inflicting on them and you just get through it, because you have to, there is no alternative.
The pain of seeing families together out for the day, having to teach them to drive (which their father should have been doing), all sorts of things, had me sobbing for what should have been, all those things bring pain, anger, rage, etc. It's the same as the stages of grief, for grief is what it is, for the future you thought you had, but you will get through it, there is light at the end of the tunnel, which you won't be able to see now, but it is there waiting for you and we are here for you to help you through.
I didn't have mumsnet to help but I did have a very good friend who propped me up and told me what to do when I couldn't think straight. You will come out the other side and we'll help you on your way

Hello AmIbeingTreasonable and thanks for sharing what happened to you. Bloody hell, you were in a far worse position than I am At least DH still wants to keep in touch with his kids and I don't think he'd abandon them. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you and the anguish you must have felt. It really is inspiring to hear that people like you have survived things like this and it gives me hope for the future.

A friend of a friend was also abandoned by her husband when her DCs were still toddlers. She came in from taking the children to the park one day to find that he had cleared the house, the bank account and just left. Nobody knew where he had gone; not even his family. She had to go to the council to get emergency housing and family and friends had to rally round to buy food and toiletries etc. Then 14 years later the DH was spotted at a conference by the friend of the wife's father. He spoke to the DH, found out what company he worked for, got in touch with the wife who promptly got in touch with the CSA. The husband had not paid a penny for his children since he left.

It's horrible that things like this happen so often. These bastards don't seem to have any thought about the destruction of others' lives. Actually, it's not just others - it's people they have loved and lived with and looked after and who they were supposed to cherish. How, how can they do this?

I had a good session with my counsellor yesterday - I wish I could just move in and live there! I felt a lot more positive when I left and when I woke up this morning it was nowhere near as bad as it usually is. However, the tense anxious feeling is beginning to creep up again this afternoon and I have cried a lot. It's the ups and downs I find so hard at the moment; it really does seem as if I'm losing my mind at times.

I feel so vulnerable and hopeless at times and wonder if I'll ever feel happy again. I'm so frightened that I'll always feel like this.

I wonder what he'll do if his relationship with OW breaks down. I wonder if he'll feel as sad, lost and terrified as I do at the moment? I hope so!

... and I dissed him at the dentist today!

I had an appointment and was asked to check my contact details form to make sure it was up all to date. It was last done a year ago and I had him down as my emergency contact. I explained that that was no longer the case and then, at 8.15am in the dentist's waiting room, I blubbed. I blubbed because it brought it all home to me and I blubbed because I don't actually have anybody to put down as an emergency contact. DH is gone, parents are dead and nearest sibling is quite literally at the other end of the country.

The two receptionists were lovely and, guess what, the same thing had happened to them both. It's bloody everywhere! They gave me tissues and a hug and let me sob it all out. Must have looked so reassuring for patients coming in for fillings and such like. Especially when I was in full-on wail mode: I can't believe the pain of it. It hurts so much and I don't know what I've done to deserve it. I'm not sure I can go on! Not the best advert for dental services maybe.

The wonderful ladies were so angry at him on my behalf and said some lovely things about me and the kids (we've been going there for 20+ years) and had some very vehement views about him ...

How did it ever come to this?

Please help somebody! I think I'm really losing my mind. Is it normal to swing from self-pity to self-doubt to self-blame and then all the way back again? Often in the space of an hour or so? I am beginning to dislike myself as well as him and I am starting to really blame myself and wonder, deep down, if my part in this whole sorry mess is actually so much larger than I previously admitted. I am having huge punch to the guts feelings every time I start to think back over the years and, maybe, it really is a case of all my chickens coming home to roost. I keep thinking I'm down-playing my part in this horrible shitstorm that has torn my family apart and hurt my children and that his part was not as bad as I'm making out. I so often wished he was not about and that he would somehow magically "disappear" and we could all relax - now I have got what I wished for, haven't I? Oh, it must serve me right.

Do you think I could have, should have, acted differently to avert things? Ignore that - stupid question - how could anybody else know? It's a question I ask myself constantly because there is a little voice, hidden deep down, that keeps reminding me that I hid a lot of my feelings and didn't voice what I was feeling, because I was afraid that if I did, he would say Well, if you feel like that there's no point in us staying together. Truth was, there was nowhere I could go, no way I could support myself and absolutely no way I would ever ever have left the children. I repressed a lot of feelings and left a lot of things unresolved because I was a coward (still am) and it was easier than having to deal with the reality. And dishonest to boot.

I keep going over and over all the nasty, petty little things I said and did over the years. Things that must have been hurtful and, yes, I was aware of it. He would perhaps suggest something or do something, and I would be dismissive or grumpy and hide the real reason for this. One example from a couple of years ago is when we were very very close to the overdraft limit and I hadn't told him because I was nervous of what his reaction might be - ranting about how can this have happened, where was all the money going, it wasn't him spending it, if he earned so much how come there was never anything there etc. I kept thinking I would tell him and would wait for the "right moment", but it never seemed to arrive, or I would wait until he was in a better mood, or the work problem had been resolved, or the damp in the lounge had been sorted, etc etc. I had planned to wait for next payday and bring the overdraft back down to normal levels unobtrusively. Just before the payday, he suggested that we have a weekend away and I declined, but didn't tell him the real reasons which were (a) we were so overdrawn that we couldn't afford it and (b) I didn't have anything decent to wear and he would be annoyed if I just wore old tracky bottoms and baggy T-shirts and I didn't want to go and buy things because I had put on so much weight that it made me cry every time I went into a changing room. I didn't tell him all that because I was afraid of what his reaction might be. He was really angry when I said I didn't want to go away and went into a real mood which lasted for quite a long time. He was very cold and angry and when he did speak it was in a tight, barely controlled, tone. I just kept my head down and said nothing and waited until it all passed.

So you see, countless incidents and spats like that were just as much me to blame as him. Maybe more so, because I never spoke up and just hid away and avoided talking to him. I was afraid of his reaction, but maybe I should have tried harder?

It's so hard to work out what caused what. Did his personality make me into the sulky, uncommunicative person who then incurred his wrath? Or was it my cowardice, dishonesty and reluctance to speak up and face things that drove him to become frustrated and angry and feel unloved and unappreciated? It all goes whirring round and round and round in my mind until I actually find myself running round in little circles in the dining room crying and hating myself.

I just can't get away from the fact that I have had a huge part in my own downfall and that maybe I'm trying to get away from this by blaming him unfairly. But, I can't bear to think of that being the case because it would make me into such a bad and horrible person. Who, as a result of her own failings and unpleasant behaviour has been the cause of her children's distress and anguish. That's such a dark and awful thought, I can't really face it head on and it's absolutely eating me up.

I'm sorry for venting and I know that there isn't really anything that anybody can say or do. I just woke up feeling so awful and guilty and nasty that I just had to spill it all out. Am I going bonkers?

Your reaction to what has happened to you is a very natural one, tartan my love.When such a traumatic event like this happens, you forensically go over your whole relationship, seeing where the cracks started to form, and examining past behaviours and things that you could have done maybe to prevent the damage to your marriage.

But that way lies madness I believe, you can't change anything , and no one is perfect, you were just doing what you thought was the best for your family at the time. I think you need to think about having some counselling, tbh, you seem to be taking on the responsibility for the breakdown of your marriage, and that just isn't the case. Counselling helped me a great deal when I was at a very low ebb, and struggling to understand the "why" of it all.

Oh lovely girl

Your mind is working overtime on you.

You have to unfortunately go through these processes, it's the same as grieving for a lost family member. You will experience sorrow, blame, anger and much more.

You both took marriage vows, a pair of tatty jogging pants shouldn't come into this!

Please don't try and heap the entire blame upon yourself. We all make mistakes, poor decisions.
If it bothered him, he should have been mature enough to approach you and deal with it together, not skip off into the arms of a star struck junior.

The only advice I can offer (which is shite compared to the wonderful information you've got on here) is to not believe a word about him promising you to provide indefinitely.
People act in ways you can't even imagine after a split. People you think you know inside out seem to be as distant and wicked as can be.
Plus the fact even if he doesn't want another family with this woman, bet your arse she won't be willing to scrimp on her lifestyle in the future so he can maintain mortgage payments on a house neither he or the kids will be living in. Once she leans on him over this-he'll fold. Guilt is carrying his implied generosity through at the moment.
Please please start planning to protect yourself. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

In the examples you gave you were desperately trying to avoid his anger and all blame directed at you.

If you had gone into overdraft, he would have said it must be your fault - you would have had to face his wrath. So no wonder there was never a 'right moment' and that the web got more tangled.

It is so sad that you feared his anger if you had confessed how awful you were feeling about your body and clothes. People with decent partners would expect a hug and some support and sympathy.

You are just describing an abusive relationship and the logical behaviour of the victim of that abuse.

Often victims of abuse become incredibly secretive and duplicitous. However this behaviour is for survival and the cause of it is the abuser and absolutely not any bad decisions or poor behaviour. However it is yet another stick to beat them with when some of the strategies to keep the peace go wrong and the truth comes out.

This is not your fault, not at all.

Listen, I'll go so far as to say that it takes two to tango. And I think that in any breakup there's usually some fault on both sides, even if it's just not speaking up or ignoring things. But in your case I think that it's safe to say the greatest part belongs to him. Anything you 'did' you did as a reaction to who he is, the way he reacted to things. Yes, we all have our spats. We all hide petty resentments. God only knows that DH and I have ripped each other new mudholes and we've both grumbled under our breaths and held grudges. But we, and the vast majority of couples, are NOT so afraid of our partner's reaction that we fear to be honest. And we certainly all don't all go out and cheat when we're unhappy.

He has emotionally abused you. He manipulated you to the point where you accept blame for things than are not your fault. He frightened you into fearing him. Think carefully. I'll bet if you analyzed these things that are bothering you, you'll find that you were reacting, not acting, iyswim. As Dr Angelou said "You did what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better'. And you will!!!

Quit trying to quantify or apportion blame. It is what it is. Tell yourself "Yes, there are things I should have spoken up about, things I should not have ignored. There are things I would have done differently. But these were NOT things of my choosing, they are things which were put on me by an abusive partner. A partner who manipulated me into fear".

And yes, it's normal to swing from emotion to emotion. You're not only dealing with the fallout, you're also learning about yourself and learning to be a better, stronger You. There's always a bit of pain in growing. But you are going to come out of this so much stronger and wiser.

Thank you so much for such supportive messages. I haven't really felt up to posting since the last outpouring, but am beginning to feel a bit stronger. This is in no small way down to the wonderful support you have given and such very perceptive comments. I really do believe I would have gone under before now were it not for the wisdom and understanding I have received here on Mumsnet.

I've been very much up and down. I posted in despair on Wednesday and barely made it through the day at work. I was asked if I wanted to go home because I looked so awful and spacey but it was too much of an effort to sort out what I needed to do before I went, so it was easier just to stay. It's easier to cope as well when you are surrounded by people and very small children! After work I went and sobbed on my neighbour before going in to the house and the DC; I find it helps to get the crying out of my system and not subject the DC to it too much. Thursday was much better with a lot of people saying really nice things to me; a long talk with somebody whose sister is going through the same and then a book I had ordered arrived. Some of you might have heard of it - it's called Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark - and what a revelation it is turning out to be! It's almost an exact copy of what DH has said and done over the years and the way he went about leaving. It also echoes a lot of the wonderful advice you have all been giving me.

You are absolutely right Hobbitwife about forensic searching and the way to madness! It really is an uncontrollable urge to try to unpick it all and the more I delve, the worse I feel. I have had two counselling sessions but had to miss a week because of work commitments. I really feel the gap and I'm looking forward to the next session. You make a very good point about me taking on the responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage and I've made a note of that to discuss with the counsellor. That is the crux of it all and I'm finding it very hard, actually impossible, to get past that at the moment. I think it could because that is how he sees it - that is, it's all my fault.

FeralBeryl, you have one of the best names I've seen on MNet and your advice is most definitely NOT shite. You are absolutely spot on with People you think you know inside out seem to be as distant and wicked as can be and I think that that is almost the most unbearable thing about it all. Yes, he was grumpy and moody and, I'm now beginning to realise, emotionally abusive, but I never ever thought he'd do me down or see me go under. Now, I think he'd just stand and watch and genuinely not give a damn. Your point about the finance is very perceptive and I think the only thing that is keeping him "generous" at the moment is guilt about the kids. He won't want to endanger his relationship with them yet, so he's not going to do anything that would have an adverse effect on them, well, any more than walking out on them all to live with somebody who is nearer their age than his, that is. It's chilling to think how quickly he would withdraw every single penny if it was just me living here. It really is a total mindfuck.

Hello Brucie and thank you, thank you for your very reassuring post. Where do MNetters gain their wisdom? Yes, yes to what you have said, especially Often victims of abuse become incredibly secretive and duplicitous because that is what I used to do if I wanted to put off or avoid him finding out things that might cause him to go into a mood or having a go at one of us. Most recent example was DH bought DS a learner motorbike last year (DH's great passion and hobby is motorbikes, DS didn't really have much choice!) and also the kit to go with it. He bought DS a good crash helmet but one of DS's mates knocked the helmet off the bike seat and it broke the visor and a spring snapped. DS was absolutely bricking it and was terrified of telling DH. I still had a bit of money left over from when my mum died so I got DS to find the exact same helmet online, ordered it for next day timed delivery and then arranged some unpaid time off work to be in to take delivery. Unpacked the helmet, hid the packaging and all so that DH wouldn't find out and have a go at DS for being careless, or treating stuff like shit etc. The old, broken helmet is still at the bottom of DS's laundry bin covered in an old pillowcase.

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Hello again AcrossthePond - wonderful supportive words from you as always. What you say makes so much sense and helps so much - it's almost as if you had been there and watching. Actually, I really wish I had had some means of recording or taping things. I often used to think about it, but had no idea of how to go about it. And if I had been found out, it wouldn't have been pretty.

You make a very good point about me reacting, not acting - that describes the relationship to a T. He was always the one who was proactive in things - making decisions, having a say, deciding what was what etc and I would react to things. I very rarely instigated anything, but would react when poked.

Anyway, just wanted to thank you all for your unfailing and generous support and advice. It's good for me to hear that the way I am feeling and acting is quite normal and that I'm not losing my mind. I like what AcrossthePond says about becoming stronger and wiser. I really hope I do. I also want to make sure that I act in as dignified and classy a manner as possible so that the people who really matter in this sorry mess remember me that way when they look back on all this. I will retain the moral high ground and I will come out the better person.

We won't dwell on the fact that I dissed him entirely to the plumber on Thursday afternoon. And that when I went to a pub quiz with some mates on Thursday evening I got somewhat pissed and demonstrated my ability to burp DH's and OW's names before telling a passing barman they were a pair of sneaky bastards. My mate who had promised to keep me in check, was similarly pissed and missed my virtuoso performance because she was too busy trying to stuff Twiglets down her cleavage.

I think dignity and class might take longer to achieve than I thought ....

I wish you could hear the laugh I just did about the burps. Keep on buggering on Tartan. Enjoy your counselling session and book.

Tartan buggy...I haven't rtft but my piece of doo doo left after 30 years for another woman.....but many years later I found so many skeletons in his closet it was unreal.

It was a horrendous time and I cried for england. I don't know where the tears came from but gradually I gained In Strength and started to fight back....hard.

I grew a backbone of steel and the person I was then doesn't exist. What he did would never happen now.

You are filled with so many emotions....most negative...but it's baby steps and if it makes you feel any better ....he cheated on the one he eventually married as well.

I'm so well out of it.

I'm with a lovely man. Met him aged 56 and married him 7 years later. We are so very happy.

Baby steps..you can do this.

It seems like I was there because I was. Many years ago. My ex didn't cheat (that I know of) but he was manipulative and abusive, to the point where I believed I was responsible for every failing in our marriage as well as Global Warming and Watergate. It really was like slowly waking up from a drugged sleep as I began to see him for what he was. It didn't happen overnight and I didn't always handle it with dignity and class, but I did handle it!

If I came out of it wiser it was because I made up my mind that it would never happen again. I won't say I didn't make a couple of shit decisions about men between then and meeting my now DH, but at least I had the wisdom to realize it before too much damage was done!

PS As children, my son's pride in me was directly tied to the fact that I could (and still can) burp the entire alphabet. And the chorus to Jingle Bells.

Haha Wordassociation I will keep buggering on til the end of the road! I didn't know I had it in me. Neither, alas, did the rest of the pub.

Thank you Dowser for sharing your experiences. I see it was 30 years for you; about the same as me. It really helps me to hear from people who have been through it and have come out the other end. Especially encouraging to hear that you found happiness again at 57; I'm not far off that age myself. A lot of people have said that eventually I'll find somebody else and I have mixed feelings about that. It's still all very raw with DH and I'm also of an age where a more sedate courtship appeals rather than all the wild abandoned passion of 30-odd years ago. However, it would also be nice to have some companionship, love and respect from a decent man. Just has to be nice and caring, with no hidden "little" personality defects. Maybe one day when I least expect it, somebody will happen along.

I see as well that your DH cheated on his OW. Bet that made you laugh! I too have fantasies about DH and OW imploding. I'm desperate for it to happen, not because I particularly want him to come back - how could I ever look such cruelty in the face again - but because I want the pair of them to feel some of the hurt and upset they have inflicted on me and the DC. I rather think that DH will now be desperate to hold on to OW because, well, he doesn't have anybody else. He has no friends, no support network, an elderly DM at the other end of the country, a DSis he's not particularly close to and DD2 who he sees for a few hours a week and who has absolutely no intention of meeting his OW. If DH doesn't have OW, then he's very lonely indeed. DH and OW not only work together, they have moved in together so it's all a bit claustrophobic. Also with the 26-year age gap between them, it's very hard to see where it will go. Not exactly a relationship based on mutual trust and respect and with a shared future on the horizon. I also think the thorny issue of children will emerge sooner or later...

Thank you as well Acrossthepond for sharing your experiences and, again, it's so good to know that after the shitfest you too have found somebody decent. I know what you mean about feeling responsible for all the failings ... DH managed to convey to me that everything that was wrong and caused him to leave was all down to me. If our marriage had been happy, according to him, then he would never have looked at the OW.

Your burping abilities are far superior to mine! Maybe we should form some sort of organisation - might have to hold auditions - the Belching Band of the Blameless!

Hope you all had a nice Easter. We had eggs and then a roast dinner once DS got in from work. Then I sobbed and sobbed at the memory of when the DC were all tiny and we had an Easter egg hunt in the garden before setting off to visit all the relatives. I had got the DC little baskets to put their eggs in and I have a memory of DS running up to me shouting "Mummy! Oh look Mummy! Look what I found" I miss those days, before all this happened and when my parents were still alive and the family was close. I miss the children's innocence and happiness. I just miss it all.