Oh, dear. The early morning blues strike again 
This sadness, fear, flatness is completely hemming me in. The world and everything in it seems so different and strange. It reminds me of when I was about nine and went abroad on a school trip. I struggled dreadfully with homesickness and I remember sitting on the coach crying because everything looked so different, even the water in the river was a completely different blue to the rivers I was used to seeing at home. That's exactly how I feel now, 45 years later.
I'm finding it very useful to talk to people but am becoming hesitant about imposing on them now. I do have the DC at home, but they are all struggling with things in their own way and are giving off signals that they don't really want to talk about it all too much. I think there's a lot of internalising going on and they seem to be trying to achieve some sort of normality in their everyday lives. They are carrying on with college, football, gym, seeing friends, etc. This won't be helped by a weepy, flaky mum trying to vent her feelings about their dad to them. I am sure they are hurt by what he's done, but they are bound to have conflicting feelings which are very hard to cope with.
I remember that when my dad was in the later stages of Alzheimer's, my mum found it extremely difficult to understand. She was frightened, bitter and confused and blamed the person rather than the illness. She used to phone me to rant about him and the fact that he was, in her opinion, doing strange things "deliberately" and kept "spying on her". I could understand the situation but still found it incredibly hurtful to hear such horrible things said about my dad. She found it hard to live with him and his illness, but her relationship with him was completely different to mine. This was only a few short years ago and I, as an adult, struggled massively with the conflict in their relationship, so I can't imagine what it must be like for teenagers/young adults. DD1 is not in a good place at the moment, obviously, and is very anti her dad. I don't want to encourage this too much, ie facilitate her taking sides, because I really don't think it's going to help with her mental health issues and I'm very much afraid for her going forward in life with issues about her relationship with her father. It seems to me that's a terribly destructive thing to have. DH had issues with his dad, largely unresolved, and took his sudden death very hard indeed. He became very angry and lashed out verbally. OW also seems to have abandonment issues with her own parents. And see how nicely they both turned out! Double miaow with knobs on.
DH has OW to talk things through with and no doubt she can remind him that he's doing the right thing by leaving and that his DW had been making him miserable for years. No doubt she's reassuring him that he deserves happiness after all this time and that although his children are angry just now, they will come round and see him for the loving, caring dad he is. No doubt she is reminding him that he supported his family and fat, lazy wife for many years and that it's now about time said wife got off her fat arse and started earning her keep. Any little wobbles he may have, she is there to soothe him and care for him and hold his hand, at any time of the day and night. Remind him how wonderful, caring, clever, misunderstood and deserving he is ...
I do have the DCs, but I can't inflict this sort of thing on them; I can't go running to them every time I have a crying fit or a moment of sheer panic, because I can see how my distress distresses them and it's not fair. My friends are fantastic, but they don't live here and do have their own lives and families. Sometimes, the grief and fear strikes unexpectedly and at all hours of the day and night; that's when I need somebody close by and available just to hold my hand and talk me down. Sometimes, it only needs a few minutes of reassurance. I'm finding it difficult because if I go out to see friends, then I feel I'm leaving the DC on their own thinking about things, but if I have friends back here, the DC know that we're all sitting talking about their dad and how horrible he has been to poor old mum. It's so so hard; I'm trying to be the best I can for them but at the same time I need so much help as well.
At the moment, I feel so old, fat, worthless and useless. Like some ugly old toad just squatting in a pond doing feck all but glare bitterly at life passing by. I feel so powerless and helpless at what has been done to me and the absolute certainty emanating from DH that it's my fault and my current predicament is of my own making. Bloody hell! I just felt the earth shake with collective MNetters leaping up and down in rage at what I have just posted. I know, I know! I know what all of you have posted and how wise, true and helpful your words and thoughts have been. I know how much you have helped me and still are helping me. I know that I am seeing things from a skewed point of view and, perhaps, I am even wallowing in it a bit. I think it's just part of the on-going cycle of self pity-guilt-blame-self pity-guilt-blame that goes round in my head constantly. I also know that those destructive thoughts are banished when MNetters pile in with their wonderful mix of support, love, advice, analysis and arse kicking; the latter gentle for me and to the tonsils and beyond for him.
Anyway, thank you to anybody who has got this far and managed to stay sober till the last full-stop. Wish I could say the same 
. I'm just getting very jittery because DH is picking DD2 up for lunch. I'm making myself scarce in case he comes in and am also starting to do my usual paranoid thing of imagining DCs deciding that they want to be with dad.