Please help. Husband leaving after 26 years

[tartanbuggy]

I am starting a new thread with a post that I posted within another (very helpful) thread. Just looking for some hand holding please. So very sad.

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. This will be paid into my separate bank account. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please, MNers, let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

Hello notonyurjelly - nice of you to reply, thank you. It was early morning here when DD1 texted and I posted. I got a sleep for a couple of hours, but am now awake again and waiting for her to text me.

She was so happy when she got back with her boyfriend after the split and overdose and although she seemed to be trying to do the right things, I was still very worried that he might end the relationship again. I have been on tenterhooks about that for a while, if I'm honest. Terrified that the whole thing would erupt again and that she would go into meltdown and we would all be left trying to deal with the fallout. I'm beginning to think that this is exactly what will happen and I'm now more terrified than ever before.

I'm glad that she has got into counselling already and has spoken a couple of times about things she has gone through with her counsellor. One thing that was quite telling was that they had been mind-mapping various things to help get to an understanding of why she feels the way she does and what the background might be. DD1 said that a lot of it related back to her relationship with DH and how she feels about him and how he made her feel over the years. Their relationship was quite volatile at times: she would face him down when they argued; slam doors; be rude to him. He would get really angry about it and retaliate. I didn't know what to do, because although I didn't always agree with his, at times, overbearing approach to her, I know that he did and does love her but doesn't know how to handle her. She could be very very hard work and I too in the past have had quite dramatic blow ups with her. I would feel terrible afterwards and would always cry, apologise to her for my part and explain where I was wrong to have lost my temper. I then decided to adopt the strategy of not rising to things - if she was very rude (and she could be extraordinarily rude) I would make myself ignore it. I did not retaliate when she did something inconsiderate and I tried so hard to understand. I tried to show her that I loved her and cared for her by my actions and always being there for her.

The strain of this has been immense over the past few years and both DH and I have worried about her hugely. We just dealt with the worry in different ways and they did not always coincide. I tend to cry, fret and placate. He tended to turn his feelings of worry and guilt into irritation and anger and project them outwards.

A week or so after her overdose, he was very good with her and spoke to her telling her that he loved her and would help her as much as he could. He encouraged her to consider the counselling I had suggested and offered to pay gym membership for her because exercise can help with mood lifting. She said that she really appreciated what he said and felt that maybe their relationship was beginning to turn a corner. Then a few weeks after that he left me. He emphasised over and over that it was me he was leaving, not them, but DD1 feels hugely bitter, upset and resentful.

I don't know what will happen next. I'm waiting for her to contact me - I've already texted her this morning. I will encourage her to keep going to counselling and to try to work through all the issues. I want her to be happy. I don't want her to turn into an insecure woman with low self-esteem and unresolved issues with her father. She, I think, desperately wants his love and approval and feels that she is not loved as much as DD2 and DS. He would not agree with this picture and would be very angry if it was suggested to him.

Anyway, I started this post two hours ago and have been coming back and forwards to it. Apologies if there have been any posts between this one and notonyourjelly's; I've not ignored them.

Your DD sounds like she has quite a few issues, with many of them centred around her realtionship with her dad.

I think this She, I think, desperately wants his love and approval and feels that she is not loved as much as DD2 and DS. He would not agree with this picture and would be very angry if it was suggested to him is very telling. I wonder if she feels afraid to voice her real feelings to him, in case his reaction (anger) confirms what she thinks. Why does he react with anger towards her? I know that it is possible to have family counselling, or somthing like it, to try to unpick and work through family dynamics like this. Perhaps her and her dad could have something like this, or her counsellor could recommend something along those lines to her? It might help her to voice her feelings towards her dad with a neutral third party there to mediate?

That's a very good thought AgathaF and is actually along the lines of what I had been turning over and over in my mind since early this morning.

I do think that they need to be able to unpick it together and that it would have to take place with a mediator type figure who would be able to "referee" anything that might seem to be getting a bit heavy. I can't see her making suitable and happy relationships in future if she has a lot of unresolved emotional baggage around her dad. Their relationship has been volatile and it's very hard for me to unpick when and where it started.

They did lock horns a lot and both of them are stubborn. I know that DH does love her, but if anything was suggested about their relationship, or maybe that she felt he didn't love her as much as the others, he would get very defensive and say things like "Oh, yes, great! It's all my fault is it? I'm the ogre in all this ..." He would think that I was trying to blame him or make him out to be the bad guy when, in reality, all I ever wanted was for them to be able to get on with each other.

It might be a good idea, if he is amenable to it and she is willing to meet him half-way, for them to try a bit of joint counselling to help her sort out her emotions. I'm not the slightest bit interested in blame apportioning or anything; I just want my lovely DD1 to be happy with herself and to look forward to the future with a positive outlook and a bit of confidence. This goes beyond any problems and issues that DH and I might have. I think DD would have to be the one to speak to DH about this, if she is willing to give it a go. If I was to suggest it it would just look as if I was interfering or making it all out to be his fault ...

DD has just texted to say she is OK at the moment, but I'm sitting here full of dread waiting her next text and terrified that it will be a distraught one again.

If she could have a chat with her counsellor about it first, then if the counsellor agrees that it might be useful, you DD could raise it with her father as part of the ongoing counselling she has been having, therefore coming from a more neutral person. His defensiveness is unhelpful, which if course you know. He really needs to stop considering his own feelings and think about hers for the present. Hopefully he will be open to the suggestion of some joint counselling, without seeing it as a criticism of him.

Thank you AgathaF - very wise advice.

Just to update, DD came home yesterday at about 4.00pm and looked like a ghost. She sat in her room and when I went up to see her she told me that her bad thoughts were getting worse and worse and that she didn't feel safe. I took her to the GP who referred her to the Mental Health Crisis Team. They called me at home and a fantastic RL friend and her equally fantastic DH gave us a lift to the unit at 10.30pm. DD was there for an hour and had an in-depth assessment with the Duty person (can't remember what he was called). The upshot is that she does have mental health issues and they have been getting worse, especially the suicidal thoughts. She will be seen by the psychologist and visited at home by the Crisis Resolution Home Team. Admission to the ward was not ruled out, but felt that it might be best to try the Home Team route first. DD has given permission for the Team to speak to me, but has stated that she does not wish DH to be informed or involved. It's hard but she is an adult and I have to respect her wishes. To go against them could lead to even greater trust issues and that's the last thing she needs.

Yesterday, I was distraught to the point of running round in little circles crying. Two RL friends had popped round to bring lunch and have a chat and were both here when this all happened. They were unbelievable with the support they provided - helping me to phone the GP; tidying away the remnants of lunch; offering lifts to training for DS; sitting with DD1 whilst I went to the toilet (frequently!); one took us to the GP whilst the other let the first friend's DH know where she was; the list goes on.

I am still terribly worried about DD, but have great confidence in the professionalism and judgement of the health professionals in the NHS Team. I feel it may be a turning point for her and that with the right support she can move on and eventually be able to live a happy and fulfilled life. I don't know if it's too early for a diagnosis to be made, but at least she's in the system.

Everything else is just the same. Still struggling with it all and a bit at sea. Buoyed by terrific RL and online support and starting to accept that my emotions are bound to be very erratic for a long time. The lurching fear is ever present but I hope that will eventually even out and maybe subside.

Thank you to everybody who is posting and keeping a virtual eye out for me.

x 1 million to all you MNetters. Would have sent the same amount of , but I ate it all.

Tartan, that last comment has made me laugh out loud. I didn't want to just read and run, but I think you're bloody brilliant. Xxx

Tartan, have been reading your thread but not commenting, as you have a lot of support and useful advice from those who have suffered similar.
I am so sorry to hear about your DD, (it never rains!)
Your RL friends sound fabulous, (you must be a good friend to them too, for them to want to help)
Keep on keeping on, you will get through it all
and just a bit more (in case you need it for later)

Oh Tartan, it's just all so unfair, isn't it? But you'll get through it. It sounds like you have some wonderful people in your life. One day at a time and never be afraid to lean on those who love you.

Tartan you surely deserve all that . You must be a lovely person to have such good rl support. It's very positive that your DD is now in the system for a diagnosis and care. I hope they come through with a speedy diagnosis and care plan for her. You may need to push a little if it seems to take too long though, but I'm sure you'd do that as a matter of course anyway.

Tartan what I hear loud and clear from your posts is that your DH is angry and defensive whereas you are empathetic and see that we can only change ourselves which is what you have been working on in your relationship with your dd.

I'm so glad your dd waved the white flag.

You can't protect your dc from everything, including how you're feeling. If you slip and yell/break down, that's what you do but I bet they love and respect you very much so it will be fine.

Have cheese in the sandwich. And tomato maybe. Keep posting.

No advice to give but it sounds horrible what your going through especially after 26 years and grown up kids. Think the advice given about a lawyer is good, and what ever the outcome , it has to be better than being with someone like that.

Having the affair with a younger woman says more about his (and her) insecurities than it does about anything you lack, so try not to think about it as a reflection of what you dont have

Tartan, what an absolutely hellish time of it your girl and you are having right now. But, at least you now know there is definitely something going on with her mental health and it can be helped, so here's to an improvement for her very soon.

Please be aware however that care in the community/or the mental health team being part of home based treatment can in many cases not be in the best interests of the patient, or those around them. So its vital if there's something about it that just doesn't seem right to you, or if it becomes too much of a struggle for either of you, please tell the professionals.

The reality is that its all about financing/bed spaces now a days and many a family has tremendous pressure put on them under the guise of 'people do better at home' when they have to become mental health professionals overnight and look after a loved one who really should be in hospital. It doesn't always work, and for reasons that are absolutely Okay to be a reason. And you know, its not uncommon at all for the patient to also want to be in hospital because they themselves know its the best place for them.

My mum was sectioned repeatedly throughout her life, and I care full time (along with a team of home based carers) for my son who has very complex special needs which amongst other things has resulted in his mental health not being good at all. Things are very bad for him just now also but I took great comfort from a programme I saw on TV the other night where the Psychiatrist repeatedly said - if people take their medication we know they will get better. And its true, people do get better and go on to lead good and happy lives, even people like my son who will still always have his other very significant problems. So please try and take heart. Your girl is now getting help and just around the corner there are better days for her, and for you as her mum. The road to just around the corner might be a bit hilly at times but she will get there and she is going to be Ok.

xxxx

Oh, some lovely helpful comments since I last posted. Thank you. A couple of PPs have commented on how lovely my RL friends are and so they are. It's absolutely humbling when people just swoop in and bear you up like that. I was sobbing on one friend's shoulder that "I want you to have a disaster so that I can be as good to you as you have been to me" I think she knows what I meant ....

We had an appointment this morning for DD at the unit with the psychiatrist (I think that's who it was) and the doctor. I sat outside and came in for a brief chat at the end. The crisis team will still visit to check on her and she has been prescribed ADs. An appointment is being made for her to speak to the psychologist and it is hoped to be able to start to address her sleep issues. They were reluctant to prescribe medication for the sleep problems because they have been going on for so long and are quite deep rooted. However, nothing is being ruled out and it is a case of one step at a time. She has agreed that I can hold the medication and hand it out to her (she took an OD of the last medication). Her mood is extremely low in the mornings - she can't speak, make eye contact, walk straight or anything. Her only way of communicating is to shrug. She improves a bit during the day. I'll just keep taking it one day at a time and will be led by her needs. I've had to tell the other two DC what is happening (DD is OK with that) because we have the Home Team coming into the house every day. They seem to be taking it all in their stride.

Meanwhile, I'm still struggling a bit with the whole situation. Have not heard from DH and have no desire to see or speak to him at the moment. It just upsets me too much. DD2 met him to go for a meal and I just asked if she had a nice time and left it at that. I really don't want to make her feel awkward or sad, so I won't pry.

It's a strange kind of limbo at the moment and I find it difficult to cope with. I find that I want to visit friends' houses because they seem warm and homely, whereas my own home seems a strange, unfamiliar and sad place. Had a few crying sessions today and missing my mum and dad a lot. On the other hand, I'm kind of glad they're not still alive to see all this happening; my distress would have been horrible for them to witness. Although I wouldn't have put it past my mum to do a bit of handbag wielding!

I had a haircut yesterday and didn't hold back in the salon from blackening DH's name. Let's just say he'd be ill advised to ever try to go there for a haircut because (a) he doesn't have much hair to speak of and (b) they'd find something else to snip off in lieu The girls in the salon were all great!

Tartan, you are bloody marvellous. My best to you and your DD. i know what you mean about your house. I made one room MY room quite soon after my h left, I found it helped. maybe that's a project for you and your DD?

Hello tartan, I am late to this thread but have read all your posts but not many from other Mnetters. I do know you have been getting great support and some wonderful advise.
My point is for the future rather than immediate action.
You have mentioned once a twice your own pension and lack of contributions. I am sure you know that you can get a pension forecast in writing by just asking.
However do remember the child support. Hopefully this was in your name. You will be credited for the years you received the benefit with contributions to your pension.
Good luck, keep strong.

Just checking in quickly to say I'm still here, still sad but still plodding on. Taking note of all the advice that I've been offered and hope you understand if I don't get round to replying to each person. I do take it all in and have made some notes about points to discuss based on what I've read here. Thank you all so very much.

DD is OK. Very very low and it scares me to see her like this. She is now in the system, however, and what a fantastic one it is. I have no idea how people cope who don't have the support. She has started on meds and has an appointment tomorrow with a psychologist. The crisis team pop in each day and it's very reassuring.

As for me, I'm having a down day. I woke up with the punch in the guts feeling and it's been difficult all day. The weather is miserable and rainy and I alternate between feeling frantic and quite numb. I cried again in the supermarket after I was spotted by a child from school and they shouted my name out excitedly and gave such a big smile. It just reminded me of my own DC at that age and how happy and trusting they were and their little world was all safe and secure. I wept for what has gone, for memories that are now tainted and most of all I wept because I have this overwhelming need to "go home" and that place doesn't exist any more.

I'm hoping that counselling will be able to help me deal with the awful negative feelings of guilt I'm having. I need strategies to help me cope when I start to blame myself over and over again for what went wrong in the marriage and that sneaking underlying feeling that for somebody to treat me in such a cruel manner I must have been pretty awful to have deserved it. Friends, online and in RL, are constantly reminding me that it's not my fault and that I'm not to blame, but I guess I need to hear it from a neutral person who can also help me with strategies on how not to blame myself. I also found out that DD2 will be seeing DH tomorrow and although I am not saying anything beyond asking what time she'll be picked up, I just can't shake off the irrational feeling of terror and jealousy that she'll prefer him to me and want to go off and live with him. Ridiculous I know, but I'm not at my rational, logical best at the moment. Or any moment, come to that.

I'm also getting jittery because I know that at some stage I'll have to speak to DH if only to work out what allowance he will "give" me to tide us over next month. I just can't face seeing him or hearing from him, not on my own anyway. It's not because I'm afraid of violence or anything like that; it's more that I can't bear to see the cold contempt and dislike he has for me.

Hey ho. Miserable post on a miserable day. I guess it's to be expected. Thank you to anybody who has made it to the end of this post with their sanity intact.

I've no experience of your situations Tartan but have been reading and got everything crossed for you and your family.

Would you cope better with just email contact from your DH? If you think so, then I think it would be perfectly reasonable, under the ircumstances, to tell him that for now you will only be accepting email contact from him and don't wish to discuss anything face to face. It would also mean that you have time to react, absorb and formulate replies to anything he states or proposes, which may not be easy to do in person, given that you are going through this trauma.

Tartan, I had to post to say that you are amazing. You are going through a horrible time and yet you can still find levity - I was sobbing on one friend's shoulder that "I want you to have a disaster so that I can be as good to you as you have been to me" I think she knows what I meant ..... It is wonderful you have friends that caring, and I can see why they love you - you are funny and real and much stronger than you realise I think.
I was once your daughter - my heart bleeds now as a parent to think of how scary my overdose and ongoing psychological issues were for my mother, but I got through and so will your DD. She has love and support and a parent who is so aware of what is happening and of how to get her the help she needs.
I am sending you support across the world, I would send but i think the customs beagles would have it.

Hi Tartan
I hope your dd is holding her own and the medication starts to kick in soon, although I understand that can take a couple of weeks with ADs.

I think it would be better for you, dd1 - and possibly your other two - if you have some space and time that is absolutely free of contact with that total dickhead your exh. Don't allow yourself to be further upset by interaction with him and if that means the younger dc don't see him for a couple of weeks that might be best for the greater good? Something to consider.

As for strategies to deal with the guilt, I think you need to separate out the fact that the marriage has ended and the manner of its ending.

If your marriage had ended, as many relationships do, without massive trauma, betrayal, cruelty and ruthless selfishness on one side, then it might well have been much easier for you all to gradually come to accept it as a neutral event where no one is to blame.

However, he has lied, betrayed you (and his children), shown a complete lack of consideration or thought for making it easier or gentler for any of you. He has 'thought' with his dick - the ultimate dickhead - and ruthlessly thrust his decisions on you all. Such cruelty leaves you reeling and the logical question is, what have I done to deserve this?

But his actions show that you and his children were no part in his decision-making. This is not really about his family. It's about her, shagging, mid-life crisis, male ego and a ruthlessly selfish drive to get what he wants. You may have regrets (who hasn't) but what has happened is not really anything to with you in his head. - That's what you need to remember when you start to feel guilty.

Be kind to yourself. This is a real low for you all. Just get through the day in whatever way is best for you and dc, and try to do some things that make you feel happier and calmer, everyday.

Keep posting.

Hello everybody. Just a quick visit to say I'm still here but haven't posted after a bad couple of days. It's just been the usual up and down; wake up sad, feel a bit better, then something plunges me right down again, then feel a bit more positive, then all the way back down we go .... bloody exhausting isn't it?

I had a really bad day on Monday because on Sunday night I had a very vivid dream that I'd gone back "home" to see mum and dad and that I'd told them all about what was happening. It was springtime in my dream and we'd gone for a walk to look at all the daffodils coming out. They told me they would always be there to help and I could come home whenever I wanted. It was so real and reassuring that when I woke up it took quite a few moments to remember what had actually happened. That was my undoing. I managed to get myself to work and then had a bit of a sobfest. They were brilliant and let me go straight home which helped because the DC were still about. I don't like being in on my own.

Thank you for all the lovely posts since my last one. I can't tell you how much it boosts my spirits and you all seem to know just what to say and when! I am struggling so much with my own self-image and self-worth at the moment - no idea how you can tell - and it is wonderful to read posts that just seem to cut through all that and help me get things in perspective.

AgathaF, yes, you're exactly right! I have emailed DH and explained that I do not feel able to have face to face contact at the moment and have requested text or email communication only. Even that sends me into a bit of a tailspin, so there's no way I could cope with him in person. I'm not being over-dramatic (although no doubt he thinks I am), but I am just not able to deal with it. It sends me quite frantic and I don't know why.

EmMcK it was so inspiring to read your post and to know that you've been through similar to DD and come out the other side. It's so important to know that it is possible and that I'm not too far out in what I'm trying to do for DD. Was there anything that you found, or might have found, helpful when you were going through it all? I'm not entirely sure I'm getting it right and if there're any little hints and tips, please fire them my way. Thank you for the cake and keep sending it. Don't worry about customs; if it concerns cake I reckon I could take the beagles in a fair fight.

And NotnowNigel, your last post has actually saved my sanity a little bit! You have absolutely got to the bottom of my self-destructive over-analysis of guilt and when I read what you have said I could literally feel the knot in my stomach loosening. It is exactly what I needed to hear (well, OK, read) and it really calmed me right down. How are you so wise? Are you a counsellor or have you been through it all yourself? The guilt and self-criticism are the two main issues for me at the moment to the extent they are almost stopping me from going on. I vote for you to be made the next patron saint of kicking the arses of bastard DHs. The little medallion would be fun to design.

I also owe a couple of PMs and will get back to those lovely people as soon as possible. Have just heard DS go into the shower, so am now running late. If he's much longer, I'll need to run smelly as well.

Thank you all. I wish you could all come and live in my house forever. I promise I'll have a shower.

Dear tartan, if your writing reflects only one tenth of your personality showing your sense of humour and true grit, then the more I read the more I think your husband is a complete fool.
Hang on in there. Let the solicitors deal with him.
Take care. Pisco xxx

Tartan, this is just to acknowledge your message to me and to say I'll answer it as soon as I have a reliable internet connection. Im away from home right now and things are quite a bit slower here.

Naturally you're going to be all over the place for a while. Just try to enjoy those 'up' moments. They'll come more and more often and last longer and longer.

As far as your dream, at the risk of sounding a bit 'woo', just accept it as your parents offering their love and strength to you.

As a 23 yo female, if my dad decided to leave my mum, i would be totally supportive of my mum. Please don't be afraid. Tell the eldest kid (20) dad is leaving and you need support.