Partner doesn't want a second baby

[Longsuffering24]

We have 2yr old DS and I feel the time is right to have another baby. I've always wanted 2 children and now as I approach 37 I feel it's really now or never. My partner has made it very clear he doesn't want any more but the thought of never having any more children is devastating. I fear that this will ultimately ruin our relationship. I'm considering all options including leaving him despite the fact that I love him and I know our DS adores him. I don't know what to do. Surely he can't really care about me if he's prepared to stop me following my dreams? I get so angry about it that sometimes I can't stand the sight of him. Would I be selfish to turn my DS's life upside down by leaving or should I just live with things the way they are?

Do you want your son to grow up with that example of manhood? Or would you rather he grew up to respect and support his life partner?

Yes I do work but as it's shifts I wouldn't be able to continue if I left. I don't have any family support so I'd probably have to give up my current job. If I could find a child minder for evenings and nights it may be possible but probably not finanilly viable then. I do rely on Dp to look after Ds when I work these shifts. I guess I've avoided the question whether he's ggood role model only that DS wants to spend time with him. Every day the first thing he asks is 'where's daddy'.

I don't want DS to grow up thinking this is the way to treat women and children so does this mean I should stop all contact if I leave?

You can't stop all contact as he's your child's father and would be awarded contact if you tried. It's a bit harsh to leave and to stop contact because he won't have another baby with you or because he uses the withdrawal method. You're using it too, I assume! My DP and I used it for about 8 years without incident. It's actually quite effective if used correctly.

No you cannot stop contact but by leaving you are sending a clear message to your DS that you believe his father's behaviour is/was unacceptable. I'm not, of course, talking about his refusal to have another baby. I'm talking about his opting out of ds's life and expecting you to run around after him and pick up all the extra shit that comes with parenthood.
It's bloody hard when they're little and any man who effectively opts out of this is a dick.

Could you change jobs or get set shifts?

Osirus RTFT. He's selfish, does FA in the home and resents his DS's intrusion into his me time.

Just to say I sympathise, and regardless of right or wrong many people want two kids (including me, I had no. 2 at 37). Given he's rubbish I'd focus on my best chance of no 2 over staying with him at all costs

Yes that makes sense Lentilstew. I'm not convinced he would make any effort to have contact but I guess time will tell.

In relation to work expatinscotland my job wouldn't allow fixed shifts which is a real shame as I'd have to give up a career I've worked hard to achieve. I could possibly look at a career break with the hope that things would change. I would have to find another job but how realistic finding one that would pay the bills is I'm not sure....

Not sure if appropriate to post my story as not sure if relevant to yours but here goes. had the same with my ex. He was adamant he didn't want 2nd but just wouldn't say why. The more he refused, the more desperate I became. His feelings just didn't make sense to me- he came from 2 and I just couldn't see a reason why he would feel so strongly. Our relationship was by this time beyond shit, but I was past caring; I wanted a sibling for my dd and very reluctantly, he agreed so as not to let her be an 'only child'.

I conceived ds quickly (after a raging argument the night before and abusive behaviour I'm ashamed I put up with). Turned out there was a very good reason he didn't want another... he'd been having an affair for 2 years starting when I was pregnant with dd.

I was 33 when I had ds so thinking about it, I could have met someone else. But I wasn't willing to take the chance. Fast forward to now- i had some hard years on my own but my kids now have an amazing stepdad and they can see how a good relationship works. But guess what? My kids hate eachother!!

Only you can make the decision whether to stay or move on and I feel for you so much, but if I'm honest, however much I love my ds and don't regret him, if I were giving advice to my daughter in the situation I was in, I'd say leave him and take your chances.

Thanks Hormonal heap your story very relevant. I completely understand that need despite all the rational evidence pointing in the opposite direction. I guess I should focus on my DS being the best thing that's ever happened to me and not so much on how I'd have liked my life to turn our in a perfect world.

It's ironic that your kids now hate each other after all the trouble you went to to have the 2nd. That was also one of the arguments against having a sibling for my Ds that I've had from my Dp!

Longsuffering there's just nothing else like that need it's so strong it defies all rational thought.

Like you I found the thought of removing my child's dad from her life on an everyday basis intolerable. But think forward. In a few years your ds will be very aware of your relationship with your partner and then it's a whole different ball game, even more stressful. I used to be scornful of people who weren't 100% happy in their marriages breaking up their families but now I'm not so sure. I think the answer is you give it all you can and if that's not enough well- your life also counts for something and the mum/ds bond is so strong, it'll not be good for him to have an unhappy mummy x

And fwiw, I've had 2 babies past 40yrs!

Hormonalheap I believe I have put up with so much crap partly because my mum did too. My mum has been unhappily married for 40 odd years as she also felt that marriage is for life regardless of how miserable it is. And yes I was very aware of this whilst growing up. Sometimes I wished they would divorce. I don't know how I would have felt if they actually had though. I really don't want my DS to go through that as well but equally I do see so many children from broken families go off the rails. I worry about that too. My life does count too so somehow I have to reconcile it one way or the other :-/

You know what Longsuffering I visited someone in a care home this week. They had lived their life, and now all they had, every day, was to relive their memories. Be strong enough to make some amazing ones for you and your ds.

Although my parents are happy, as there has never been divorce in my family, even though my mum had suspicions about my exh being unfaithful, she just turned a blind eye as the 'D' word was just unthinkable. Not very supportive to me. You don't have to copy your mum's life. It didn't occur to me that I would ever meet anyone else but I'm now married to someone I'm simply in awe of who protects me and my children. I had to put myself out there. Reach for that and don't be unhappy all your life. Even if you don't have more kids you could meet someone with a ds a similar age to yours, and he'd have a step brother. There are so many ways to be happy.

I hope so HormonalHeap. What I need now is courage and lots of it...

Long suffering, my parents split up when I was eight. I loved my dad, but it was a massive relief to me, I know if my mum hadn't been brave enough to leave my father would have ruined both our lives. My mum is happily remarried. My dad had another girlfriend but she left him too. I had a pretty good relationship with him until he died, although I had to lay down very clear boundaries as he was very controlling. Anyway, me and mum thrived after leaving him. So when you talk about broken families, my family was broken by my dad, and we were able to rebuild it by leaving him. Your family looks pretty broken to me already, so besides your wish for another child you need to do the best for your existing one and think what kind of relationship you are going to be modelling for your son. It seems to me your mum set you some pretty low standards, wouldn't you like to raise the bar a little for your child?

At 37, the chances of you finding someone, getting to know them properly, ensuring the are compatible with your existing child and then being long term enough to have a child are remote.

Does that mean you are fucked if you are 37 and single and looking for someone? No DC?

Glastokitty, I always planned not to follow in my mother's footsteps, to the point that I didn't ever want to get married and even questioned having children. I didn't want to be trapped like mum. She relied on my dad for everything so I guess she felt there was no escape. Now I seem to have found myself in a similar position. Even though pre DS I had my own house and was fully financially independent.
I really don't want my DS to grow up thinking this is the way relationships work but at the moment he is oblivious and enjoys his father's company. I would feel so bad tearing him away from what he knows and loves, it's reconciling that it's for the best in the long run.

Hi OP, I was in a similar situation to you. My partner and I had one DS, but when I suggested TTC again, he said he didn't want any more children. I was shocked and upset. I also found it very hard to understand as he clearly loved our son, we could afford to have another, and also he himself is very close to his brother, so I couldn't understand how he was willing to deprive our DS of a sibling.

It was a very hard decision, but about a year after this conversation we split up. Tbh, I think if we'd been really happy together, we might have stayed together, but there were cracks in the relationship anyway, and they became far worse when my partner said he didn't want another child. I felt full of resentment for him, the atmosphere in the house was strained, and I felt we'd all be happier apart. When we split up I was 40, so I knew I wouldn't have another child with anyone else, but living without my partner was still preferable to living in a miserable atmosphere.

Five years on, I think I made the right decision. My ex and I have a very amicable relationship, and my son's happy. However, the lack of a second child still upsets me. My son often asks for a brother or sister, and I feel so sad that he'll never have one. We also have a very small family, and I worry about him being all on his own after his dad and I have gone. I look at my ex and his great relationship with his brother, and can't help feeling that he's very selfish to have denied his son the same.

I really feel for you, OP. It's a horrible situation to be in, and in your case it seems there are other issues with your partner too which are just as important if not more important.

Splitting up doesn't mean you'll be tearing him away from dad. He can have special dad days. If he's lazy and entitled, he'll probably mess you about with this a bit so be prepared but your ds will then look forward to the days when he sees him. Best way to educate ds on how to be a good man is to tell him what is right and wrong as he grows and point out when men do the right thing. Living with an entitled man will give him a strong entitled model to follow so educating him in that environment would be hard, but not impossible. However, it's making you unhappy with his dad and that should not be your lot.

At 37 who knows how much fertility you have left but women can get pregnant well in to their early 40s so you may well have time yet. But I don't think you should concentrate on that for now - you have a bigger decision to make: do you say with this man who rules the roost at your expense or not.

If you are thinking about the happiness of your child as a factor from experience they are much happier when their parents are happy - especially the primary carer. Make yourself happy and all else follows. Don't stay together for your ds as actually this will make him unhappy in many ways.

I've skimmed the thread.

OP have you talked properly to your partner about his behaviour and you feel about it?

I'm all for LTB if you are unhappy of course, but I'm speaking from recent experience that things that seem insurmountable and unresolvable can get MUCH better if you are both willing to talk and improve things.

He has to really understand that you are thinking of leaving, you have to be blunt and you have to both have some painful and honest discussions.

OK, my post has completely changed after your more recent posts. OP, please consider REALLY hard, raising your child with a father who at best, seems to resent him.

Please do not think that your child will not notice. He will.
Please do not think that the relationship & love you have for your child will "fill in the blanks" because it won't!
Please do not think that this will not hurt your child, because it will.

Below (in bold) was what I had written before I changed it

Think about someone else...I am not talking about your partner, but your potential child. EVERY child has a right to be wanted by both parents. Every child has a right to live a life free of resentment by a parent who didn't want it

I wasn't wanted (by my mother) and spent 18yrs being told that is various ways, including her withholding affection, treating me differently to my siblings, manipulation, abuse, being clearly resented.

It isn't nice. It still hurts, over 20yrs on from going NC!

You can, and DO resent & regret children. For the sake of that potential life, no one should be forced to have a child they do not want.

I suppose he does take responsibility in the sense that he pulls out in time. I guess there's a chance of a mistake (on his part) but we haven't had one yet! If he is really adamant, he needs to start using proper barrier contraception. You can get pregnant with withdrawal, not matter how perfectly timed you are at pulling out.

Goldfish21 I think your story could well be mine in a few years. I also can't understand why Dp would deprive our DS of a sibling. I have a friend with only one DD and she has also always asked for a sibling. My friends circumstances are different but the outcome is the same. I fear my DS will be alone in the future and I cannot understand why my Dp doesn't even see that. I have a sister and we are very close, I'd be lost without her. My Dp has a brother and although he lives abroad they are always talking on Skype. My Dp says what DS doesn't know he won't miss, this frustrates me no end, of course he'll miss it!

Throwingshade I have spoken to Dp about his behaviour but I don't think he really listens. Sometimes he'll change a little for a while but he always slips back. I don't think he seriously believes I would ever leave but I am now as close to it as I've ever been. I do now need to tell him like it is.

Different name for this I totally agree. No child should grow up feeling resented. I also did, by my father, and yes it still hurts me too.
I was so determined to find a father for my own 'children' who wasn't like this and I'm really not sure how I managed to make the same mistake as my mother despite my best efforts 😢