Partner doesn't want a second baby

[Longsuffering24]

We have 2yr old DS and I feel the time is right to have another baby. I've always wanted 2 children and now as I approach 37 I feel it's really now or never. My partner has made it very clear he doesn't want any more but the thought of never having any more children is devastating. I fear that this will ultimately ruin our relationship. I'm considering all options including leaving him despite the fact that I love him and I know our DS adores him. I don't know what to do. Surely he can't really care about me if he's prepared to stop me following my dreams? I get so angry about it that sometimes I can't stand the sight of him. Would I be selfish to turn my DS's life upside down by leaving or should I just live with things the way they are?

Just wondering as he is so adamant OP, if he has discussed with you that he wants to have a vasectomy? Sorry if thats a private question. & I know I am being cynical. But just can't help the thought....

Thank you everyone for your comments, they are all food for thought. Sometimes it's easy to get tunnel vision on the subject.

Andthentherewasmum, I've given your question some thought. It's a difficult one to answer. I guess as I'd always had that vision I feel that something is missing if I don't fulfil it. I didn't feel ready until my DS turned 2 and then it hit me like a train. The fear of never achieving my dream is heart breaking.

Vaginaa I completely agree and that's what bothers me. Having children is very time limited for me and I am worried that the resentment would ultimately lead to our break up anyway and then I would have missed my chance entirely. Also as there are no guarantees in life I can only imagine how bitter and angry I'd be if he did something to cause a break up in the future.

April2013 I wish he would discuss things more, he has given a whole host of reasons including the usual money, time and that it would be too difficult as we both work. I don't feel I ever get a straight answer. My partner is quite selfish when it comes to 'his time' and doesn't want someone else to distract him. I suspect that is at the route of things. That being said I pretty much do everything so I don't know what he's worried about!

Mistress - is your implication, as you've said you are being cynical, that that by not choosing to have a vasectomy he is keeping his options open in case he remarries?

You do know that some men have experienced really appalling side effects of vasectomy? And the rate of side effects, while not as high as for female sterilisation, are higher than people assume it to be? There was a regular poster on MN who himself had suffered dreadful side effects and I have a relative who has also had severe pain and problems due to a vasectomy and as a result there is no way I would opt for one.

A man is perfectly at liberty to choose what to do with his own body, just as a woman is.

"My partner is quite selfish when it comes to 'his time' and doesn't want someone else to distract him. I suspect that is at the route of things. That being said I pretty much do everything so I don't know what he's worried about"

Surely this is also a problem? I would be resentful of a selfish partner wanting his time while I do everything (presumably you mean housework and childcare?) Even without the disagreement over a second child.

You GOT a straight answer but it's not what you want to hear, so you are dismissing it. He has told you that expending more time, money and other resources in additional childrearing is not what he wants from life.

There is nothing "selfish" about wanting to reserve mental, emotional, financial and temporal bandwidth for other interests and endeavors!

Sounds like you are extremely dismissive of his values. Maybe that has something to do with his reluctance, eh?

I think one of the main reasons for my resentment is that I've done a lot over the years to support him, through difficult times and to achieve his dreams. I never asked for anything in return. I haven't done these things expecting anything but I can't help feeling an element of it being all give and no take. The one things that's important to me he won't give.

Lea, I think you're being too harsh. The OP is understandably upset and disappointed. As much as she shouldn't dismiss her partner's POV, we shouldn't dismiss her feelings either (and neither should he).

OP, I do feel for you, because the relationship does seem to be a bit one sided based on what each new message tells us.

There should, of course, be compromise and give and take in marriage. Hopefully one should support each other in difficult times and generally. But you can't say "I will support you in this but the price of it is giving me as many children as I want!" We're talking a living breathing person that you will have to support for at least 18 years, maybe 21, maybe more.

Yes but it's a HUMAN BEING you want him to produce. That's a far cry from helping pay for school or start a biz or travel or whatever his wants were.

Haranguing someone into procreating (again) is about as heinous as it gets. How on board was he with first kid? Was it planned with his enthusiastic input? You say he is hands off. Why inflict a disinterested father on another child?

I think you should seek real-life therapy to get some perspective about what you are asking.

'A man is perfectly at liberty to choose what to do with his own body, just as a woman is.'

Then he shouldn't expect a woman to take on all the responsibility for contraception. The vast majority of people who have vasectomy has no side effects. It's an option for those who don't want to father any more children.

I agree he should get snipped ASAP before he gets oopsed.

Are you a SAHP? Have you made sacrifices for him, such as relocating or giving up jobs or career opportunities?

If you feel the balance is unequal, could you address this separately from the second child issue?

Expat But we don't know whether he DOES expect the OP to take on the responsibility. The OP didn't answer your question.

I agree with your point that he SHOULD, if he is the partner not wanting more children, but your recent posting is having a go at him even before you know the facts!

' but your recent posting is having a go at him even before you know the facts!'

Where did I have a go at him? I responded to your post regarding potential side effects of vasectomy and statement that a man is at liberty to chose what he wants to do with his body with my opinion that, whilst that is true, such a person 'he' should not expect another person to take on the responsibility for contraception then. YOU, however, chose to take that comment personally and assume I was 'having a go' at the OP's partner. I meant no such thing, if you construed it as that, that is entirely your lookout.

Apologies, expat, I had been using "a man" to mean any man and "he" with regard to the OP's husband. You were using "he" to mean "any man"".

She hasn't answered. For all we know, she has a Mirena coil and is one of those who is happy with it.

StillDrSethHazlittMD - yes, that is my implication

& no, Im not aware that a vasectomy is so very high risk for a man as opposed to, say, another type of operation; although I've heard of men who CLAIM this is the case. & as you say its not as high a risk as female sterilisation

& whilst I wouldn't suggest OP's partner is keeping his options open - I can't know that - I do however know its a thought that would come into my mind immediately in her shoes. But its a question I feel in many cases wouldn't be asked because there's a worry about women wanting to know exactly where they stand, isn't there? We're supposed to be coy or quiet about these things or we are deemed pushy, selfish, or setting ultimatums

Well, I WOULD want to know. Id expect a man Im with, if he is telling me "no more children", then a vasectomy would actually be part of the conversation he broached with me (even if it would make me explode more!)

I don't want any more children but YOU deal with the contraception is dubious

Its a sad and emotive situation, it sounds to me as if OP is carrying much of this relationship and whilst I can see both points of view Im not averse to some realism

Firstly you need to sit him down tonight and say that starting tomorrow all housework and childcare will now be 50/50 split. If you're both working why are you doing this??? If you told him it was a dealbreaker for you, what do you think he'd say? It certainly would have been for me. Of course he has the right to refuse but you also have the right to express how important it is to you. For me, resentment would have built up and destroyed our relationship anyway. I also know a woman who was in your situation who stayed and then he left when they were late 40s and had a baby with his new partner. She has never gotten over her bitterness at that. I'd have said, fine I'll go along with it but you have a vasectomy.
Oh and what Expat said; you must tell him that he needs to be the one responsible for contraception from here on in.

The idea that a man would deny his wife a child then once her childbearing days were over, go off and procreate with another woman is both disgusting and appalling.

I'd have said, fine I'll go along with it but you have a vasectomy

I agree, and Id have wanted to say that too. But.. both answers would be hateful, wouldn't they

YES = ok cool as I definitely don't want to be a dad again (crushing disappointment for OP)

NO = bewilderment and possibly suspicion or false hope for OP

This is such difficult a situation OP would you consider talking over your feelings and options with a Counsellor..?

What a sad situation. Did something happen in the last 2 years to make him think that? Maybe the lifestyle/loss of freedom that came with parenting was too much for him and he worries about a more extreme version when having another.

I think a guided conversation with an impartial counsellor would really help you both. Otherwise I can imagine the resentment just boiling away under the surface

Lentil, think that through. Just because a man does NOT presently want a child with one woman but later decides he does want to co-parent with another woman does translate to "appalling." It takes two to make a relationship work, you know.

Or should every woman bear the child of any man they are involved with just because he wants one, and she must not "deny" him??? Even if she doesn't think he would make a good father for her offspring, but other men might?

Or are we only allowed to be involved with people we are willing to parent with?

I would like to know from the OP how enthusiastic, truly, her partner was about the first pregnancy. Was it an 'accident' or long-planned and was he totally in agreement TTC?

But how many men would be honest and say they didn't want another child with their wife. Or say, ' look I really don't wAnt one now but may do in 10yrs'or ' if I leave you for a younger model I may have a baby with her to keep/please her.'

They're not married.

No-one can predict how they will feel in the future.

What's important is how he feels now in this relationship.