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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner doesn't want a second baby

135 replies

Longsuffering24 · 28/01/2016 21:49

We have 2yr old DS and I feel the time is right to have another baby. I've always wanted 2 children and now as I approach 37 I feel it's really now or never. My partner has made it very clear he doesn't want any more but the thought of never having any more children is devastating. I fear that this will ultimately ruin our relationship. I'm considering all options including leaving him despite the fact that I love him and I know our DS adores him. I don't know what to do. Surely he can't really care about me if he's prepared to stop me following my dreams? I get so angry about it that sometimes I can't stand the sight of him. Would I be selfish to turn my DS's life upside down by leaving or should I just live with things the way they are?

OP posts:

Offred · 29/01/2016 17:59

Yes, your description implies he is opting out of taking responsibility for himself and his life in various ways.

Him having a vasectomy would be a sensible thing for a man who apparently resents having the child he has and is sure he doesn't want more.

Not bothering to step up to family life is unacceptable and using the withdrawal method is really really fucking stupid of him.

expatinscotland · 29/01/2016 18:00

'I see nothing wrong with wanting 'me' time and eschewing children for that reason. Some of us would prefer to travel, do volunteer work, garden, read or just flop about watching trash TV. What's the problem?'

I never said there was .

The problem is that this person chose to procreate. Now he's complaining about his lack of 'me' time. That goes with the territory when you have very young children. Duh.

LeaLeander · 29/01/2016 18:12

That's what I said, Duh.

LentilStew · 29/01/2016 18:20

Hey, I have every respect for men or women who choose a child free life and take responsibility for that. Choosing not to be a parent is perfectly acceptable. Becoming a parent and still expecting to carry on as before with little changing is unacceptable. Expecting your partner to shoulder the burden of family drudgery, which lets face it, there's a lot of when they're little, simply because you feel you're not getting as much 'me time' as pre parenthood, is frankly, lazy and despicable.

LeaLeander · 29/01/2016 18:36

Erm, yes, as I said in the second graf of my post above.

RivieraKid · 29/01/2016 18:49

You say he wasn't enthusiastic about conceiving your DS, but agreed. Was it obvious he wasn't enthusiastic at the time?

MistressDeeCee · 29/01/2016 19:15

When we met I always said I wanted children and he said he did too. I just assumed (stupidly) that if he wanted 'children' that he wouldn't put the brakes on at one

I think its entirely logical that OP would assume he wanted children and that would not mean "we have one child, and thats it"

Now he says he doesn't want more, and it seems he doesn't step up to family life either. Seems all the cards fall in his favour its all about what HE wants, and gets. Its devious.

Then again it could be they had one child and the reality of it made him feel "no more, one's enough".

I still think however that it leaves OP in an impossible position; assuming they would have a family of more than one child (which seems a pretty fair assumption to make in the circumstances) and now its no, we aren't having any more and thats that. So she has been put in her place. On top of that is doing more of what is required to maintain a relationship, than he is.

OP you are at least, a mother. If your need for another child is so strong it could break your relationship anyway. Whether you become pregnant "accidentally", or leave in the hope of meeting another man with whom to have a child, or even go via the sperm donor route. None of this bodes well for your relationship with this man either way. It really is a case of now deciding, do you want another child more than you want him. Thats the bottom line here

Its a tough call. You need to find a way to take some time out to decide.

Lndnmummy · 29/01/2016 19:23

Op, i symathise. I am entirely in your shoes and could have written your post. My dh loves and dotes on ds though and is great with him in every way.

We are working our way through this at the moment and we will be having some therapy in order to try and talk about the situation without it becoming a power struggle or an argument. Both parties have to feel validated and at the moment we are both so emotional about it that we can not seem to communicate effectively. It is very fraught, it is heartbreaking. I feel your pain. You are not alone.

expatinscotland · 29/01/2016 19:53

'My dh loves and dotes on ds though and is great with him in every way.'

And that's a huge difference between your husband and the OP's partner.

NameChange30 · 29/01/2016 20:00

Lea

"I see nothing wrong with wanting 'me' time and eschewing children for that reason."

"there is nothing innately more noble or selfless in choosing the childed life than there is in choosing the childfree."

I'm sure we'd all agree that not having children is a valid choice. But the point here is that they already had a child and therefore gave up the option of a child-free life.

A friend of mine recently had her first child. Sadly her DH misses being child-free. But he still wants a second child because he recognises that the ship has sailed, so to speak, so they might as well have another!

I'm not saying everyone should see it that way. Having just one child is also a valid choice. But I think there's a bigger difference between 0 and 1 than between 1 and 2, if that makes sense?

LeaLeander · 29/01/2016 21:25

yeah, and that's why I said that in the post to which you refer.

Offred · 29/01/2016 21:34

I don't get all the confusion over lea's recent post.

I read the second paragraph as; a desire to remain child free is fine and no better or worse than the op's desire for two DC but his failure to behave honestly and responsibly surrounding that preference is 'reprehensible'.

Offred · 29/01/2016 21:38

And I think it was logical to assume that saying you want children implies more than one but I thought lea's post did rather get to the heart of it. It seems possible he never actually wanted any really, was saying what he thought the OP wanted to hear and has 'put the brakes on' now because he really ever wanted one nevermind two.

That, and the withdrawal method and the running away from family life make him a twat IMO.

Offred · 29/01/2016 21:39

*never

NameChange30 · 29/01/2016 21:40

Lea
"yeah, and that's why I said that in the post to which you refer."
You didn't actually say that, or if it's what you meant, it wasn't very clear.
If you agree, why not just say you agree, rather than claiming you've said it all before?

NameChange30 · 29/01/2016 21:42

Cross post.

"It seems possible he never actually wanted any really, was saying what he thought the OP wanted to hear and has 'put the brakes on' now because he really ever wanted one nevermind two.

That, and the withdrawal method and the running away from family life make him a twat IMO."

Agree with all that.

LeaLeander · 29/01/2016 21:46

you might want to look up the meaning of the words "definitely" and "reprehensible." As Offred said, my meaning actually is pretty clear.

Anyway, why don't you focus on the OP's dilemma instead of futilely trying to poke holes in my opinions?

Offred · 29/01/2016 21:50

My concern with this is what may happen is the op will get pg and he will become even less engaged and responsible for family life because the PG will be the op's 'fault'. The op will probably allow him to blame her because she'll be keenly aware that she wanted another desperately and he said no. She may not remember or place significance on the fact that he did absolutely fuck all (or close to it) to prevent PG...

Just seems like a fairly convenient way to get to opt out of life and since no-one is likely to tolerate a sulky grump who contributes nothing and takes no responsibility for themselves for too long I imagine it may end with rinse (the op) and repeat (with another woman) at some point.

If he really doesn't want more children I would have expected him to be taking better care that he doesn't conceive any.

NameChange30 · 29/01/2016 21:56

Yep, totally agree. He's an irresponsible twat, basically. If I was in the OP's position and really wanted a second child, I would prioritise that over the relationship with him. In other words, I might give it 6 months or so to see if I fell pregnant (given that the withdrawal method is so unreliable), and failing that, would consider leaving him and getting a sperm donor. Leaving is a big decision to make, but this man really doesn't sound worth it.

Original poster

Longsuffering24 · 30/01/2016 12:08

As hard as it has been to read these posts it has highlighted for me how bad things really are. Dp is lazy and selfish. He has no appreciation of what he has and resents me and DS for taking 'his' time away from him. The fact that I get very little from the relationship makes it all so much harder to cope with.
If it wasn't for DS I'd call it quits, no question. It breaks my heart to think of him growing up without a father. DP is so useless he probably wouldn't make the effort to be in his life given the option. It's all such a mess. I don't know how much longer I can endure things and will have to give my next move some serious thought.
This is probably my last and only chance of having a child but right now I don't even know if I'd want him to be the father.

OP posts:

Original poster

Longsuffering24 · 30/01/2016 12:16

Thank you for your message Lndnmummy. It can feel like such a lonely place when no one understands how you feel. I'm glad that at least your Dp wants to sort things out and hope you can reach some resolution. I don't know how it's possible though as there isn't a comprimise. Just wondering if this has made you question your relationship at all?

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 30/01/2016 12:44

Good luck with thinking things through. Wishing you happiness whether it's with or without your partner.

Original poster

Longsuffering24 · 30/01/2016 12:58

Thank you Another Emma

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/01/2016 13:58

'If it wasn't for DS I'd call it quits, no question. It breaks my heart to think of him growing up without a father. DP is so useless he probably wouldn't make the effort to be in his life given the option. It's all such a mess. I don't know how much longer I can endure things and will have to give my next move some serious thought.'

Your DS is so much better off without having an example of a 'father' who is lazy, selfish and resentful.

He's the type of guy who uses the withdrawal method, then, if you get pregnant, nags the shit out of you to have an abortion. There's about 1 thread a week on here from women whose partners do this.

I'd make plans to separate. There's every chance of having another child with a sperm donor or another partner.

LeaLeander · 30/01/2016 14:08

Yes, your son is far better off without that example.

Can you support yourself and your child, OP? Do you work?

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