Partner doesn't want a second baby

[Longsuffering24]

We have 2yr old DS and I feel the time is right to have another baby. I've always wanted 2 children and now as I approach 37 I feel it's really now or never. My partner has made it very clear he doesn't want any more but the thought of never having any more children is devastating. I fear that this will ultimately ruin our relationship. I'm considering all options including leaving him despite the fact that I love him and I know our DS adores him. I don't know what to do. Surely he can't really care about me if he's prepared to stop me following my dreams? I get so angry about it that sometimes I can't stand the sight of him. Would I be selfish to turn my DS's life upside down by leaving or should I just live with things the way they are?

Yes but if it was my husband and I knew or suspected there's a chance he may do that in the future then I'd leave then. He has no rights to her best years whilst keeping his options open.

Lentil but it's immaterial because we have no idea that her partner has any intention of leaving the OP now, next year or in five years. Or ever. Nor, if he does, does it necessarily follow that he will automatically have a child with another partner. It's more likely the OP will leave him based on what she's told us.

Lots of people change their minds in their existing relationships or their second relationships - women as well as men. I know women who said they never wanted children with a previous partner but did with another one.

Unfortunately, nature made a big mistake. It should have given men their version of the menopause so that they could no longer procreate at a certain point. Then the whole business about younger models, wasting someone's years would all be moot.

Well if they are not married, it seems he hasn't really reserved the "rights to her best years" has he?

It sounds doomed. The OP seems to have little regard for her partner or his stance on the most important decision a person can make, she says she often can't stand the sight of him because he won't give in to her demand, she appears to have expected tit for tat when she did things for him in the past and she can't even articulate a reason other than "having a vision" for the dire need to procreate again. It seems he is just a means to an end for her to fulfill her vision. I would not be taking kindly to that in his position either. (And if he is oopsed, it's entirely his own fault for not taking precautions.)

And again, who wants to curse a child with a father who is reluctant at best, and adamantly opposed at worst? That doesn't seem a very caring way to produce offspring.

Your attitude is a bit... AIBU, for want of a better way of describing it! You seem to be more interested in having a go at the OP than supporting her.

I'm all for challenging the OP if necessary, but why not do so kindly?

The relationship sounds doomed anyway. Why would the op be doing everything around the house to allow her partner his 'me' time. When is her 'me' time? That's an equally big issue in her relationship.
Op, why do you even want to have another child with a man who doesn't treat you as an equal?

Some smug and unhelpful responses on this thread. Saying that she should have talked about it beforehand is rather like writing 'well, you should have bought a house in 1997 when they were cheap' on a 'I will never own my own home' thread.

OP, you are 37 - you have time, but not much.

We began trying to conceive another child when our son was 3. I was aged 37, with no prior problems. Three and a half years later, nothing has happened. Nil. No pregnancy whatsoever. We have had tests, treatment and the situation is 'unexplained'. The sadness and frustration around this is affecting us deeply. I am 40 and feel deeply ashamed and inadequate.

For better or worse, your relationship with this man is very likely to be your only chance to have a second baby. If you want this to be the case, what I suggest you do from now onwards, is to say that you are no longer using contraception. No pill, no patch, nothing. You would like another baby and want the chance of that happening. If he wants to prevent it, he can use condoms or abstain. Wait and see what happens.

Either way, you will get your answer.

Sorry for answering re contraception....I suppose he does take responsibility in the sense that he pulls out in time. I guess there's a chance of a mistake (on his part) but we haven't had one yet!

I haven't suggested a vasectomy as Mistress says it would shut the door on things for good. It would really go against the grain to ask him to do this and I would also have those same fears that Mistress suggests. Either way would be negative.

Yes Bettybi0 We have had to change our lives to make it possible for us both to work. My partner works perminant nights so that I can go to work when he comes home. We do use a nursery as well but not every day. He feels that he never gets any time to himself and he is tired but isn't that the same with any family with young children? It's only short term though....

Perhaps I have been a little unfair to say he does nothing, he does look after DS sometimes when I'm at work. But yes I do all the housework, most of the child care and general running of the house.

I've broached the housework subject before, it isn't new and he has been like it since before DS. I can only ask him to help so many times to no avail.

As for whether he was an enthusiastic participant in having DS, to be honest no he wasn't. He agreed and obviously did the deed but how was I supposed to know that he didn't mean what he was saying? Surely this is his fault? Why tell me that's what you want if you don't? I get this a lot. He'll say one thing and then say I should have known he meant something else. It's all very confusing.

Ultimately he can be good with our DS when he wants to and I'm sure he enjoys being a father. I think he'd be good with another too given the chance.

Yes he does have a right to keep his options open.

The op has a right not to want to be with someone who doesn't want the same things as her, doesn't treat her as an equal in terms of the shares family burden and wants to keep his options open for the future but doesn't want another child with her.

That's all you can say about it really.

Someone who says one thing and does another and blames you for his unhappiness is not a good partner and not a good father.

Some of the responses on this thread are disturbing to say the least.

So you knew he was an unhelpful person who was uninterested in pulling his weight on household matters before you had a child but you went on to choose to have his child anyway? And you knew he wasn't enthusiastic about having kids but you went ahead and chose to have his child anyway? And all this is HIS fault, eh?

I give him kudos for being honest that he made a mistake and doesn't want another child. He's a fool if he doesn't use protection, though. Don't people outgrow the "pull out" method in their teens?

You may well be right Offred but what can I do about it now? We have a DS and as Maybe doctor points out I don't have much time left, if it's possible at all. I feel for you Maybe doctor as that may well be me in 3 years time and will be just as gutted. My situation may be less than ideal but it's the only one I have. I want to do what's best for me and my DS. I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life, if I don't get the opportunity to even try for another child I will always have that regret and there's nothing I can do about it. I find it hard to deal with the most important decision in my life being out of my hands.

Just out of interest is it really that unusual for the women to do most of the domestic side of things? Statistically I think not.

It's not unusual but it is not right either.

TBH I think you would be mad to have another baby with the man you describe anyway. I think your desire/plan to have two DC is causing you to accept shit treatment and the reality is he is not even going to have another DC with you anyway.

Yes Lealeander I am an idiot; my family have told me this enough times. I can't help trying to see the best in a partner until it is shoved so far down my throat I choke on it. Sometimes you can't help loving someone.

OP*, you said this: "I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life, if I don't get the opportunity to even try for another child I will always have that regret and there's nothing I can do about it."

If it means that much, then actually there IS something you can do about it. Leave your husband and have another child by sperm donor.

OP you got to respect your DH decision that he doesn't want another child. Please be thankful for the child you have. Many couples unfortunately don't have the opportunity to parent one child and the heartbreak the face on a daily basis. Cherish your DS.

I think if it was your DH pressuring you for another child then there would be hell on. Its much his choice as it is yours.

As a mother to two DC childcare would cost double and it does have an fiancal impact on income clothes etc not to meantion time. Your DP points are valid. Your DS is 2 years old its alot to go back to nappies,night feeds etc you both have to be commited.

Sorry, partner not husband

So the fact that her partner is selfish and lazy is her fault too?
Gosh you really are determined to have a go at her aren't you? do you have any idea how powerful the desire to have another child can be, and how heartbreak it can be to let it go? You sound ridiculous with your criticism that 'she can't even articulate a reason'.
I really feel for you, op, and can empathise with your feeling hard done by because of all the support you've given him, even if it's not entirely rational.
Only you can judge whether this man and this relationship are worth the sacrifice.

YOUR situation may be less than ideal but that doesn't mean you have to inflict that on another human being.

What is lacking in your life that you think producing yet another vulnerable human being will fill?

You don't seem to take responsibility. You "can't help" staying involved with an unsuitable partner. You "just have this vision" of having multiple children but you aren't sure why. You "don't get" the opportunity to try for a child, as if that is something that someone else/the world is responsible for handing you, and that you are hard done by because it isn't served up on a silver platter.

Maybe you "can't help loving" someone but you certainly can be an adult and accept that you already have your hands full creating a halfway decent home for your existing son, and that diluting that by having another child via an unwilling and resentful man is horrible for your existing child and the hypothetical one. Don't play the passive victim in this situation; focus on improving what you DO have.

Yes unfortunately it seems even where both work same hours the woman does most in many cases though obviously much better if that isn't the case, I would not be able to manage with that set up especially when ill but I know a lot of women do - i guess it all depends whether he is worth the sacrifice and if not, if you could find a way to do it by yourself? I guess he doesn't really sound like a team player and sometimes it is easier to be on your own than pulling someone else who won't be fair along. I think if you really have your heart set on another baby and you don't really have your heart set on being a family of 3 with him, unless that changes then it would be wise to plan for the baby without him, if he was the most amazing partner ever and didn't want another then it would be a harder choice. It is pretty crazy he doesn't want another yet is using withdrawal method - that makes me think he is either not thinking it through or is not too anti the idea of another. If I was in his position and definitely didn't want another I would be using actual contraception. Maybe he is too wrapped up in other things and hasn't really thought it all through, is it sleep deprivation and work stress distracting him?

Given the unreliability of the withdrawal method (it's not proper contraception) you may well get pregnant anyway. You'll have what you want, but it might not be plain sailing. He might be angry with you for getting pregnant (although it would be his fault as much as yours). He might pressure you to get an abortion. He might be resentful. He might do even less childcare and housework. Your marriage might be less happy (although it doesn't sound brilliant anyway, tbh). He might leave, or you might make the mutual decision to split.

You seem very passive, to be honest. You do most of the work but you don't think there's anything you can do about it. Same with other issues in the relationship. It makes me less inclined to sympathy! You have to help yourself and put energy into things. If you don't like him taking you for granted, don't let him. Be assertive.

Perhaps I have been a little unfair to say he does nothing, he does look after DS sometimes when I'm at work. But yes I do all the housework, most of the child care and general running of the house.

See this I don't understand. You talk as if he's a good egg because he babysits sometimes. He is your ds's parent. One parent doesn't help out another parent by occasionally having the child. Responsibility for caring for children is equally down to both parents.
Why do you do all the housework? Why not stop if talking about it gets you nowhere? See how things pan out if he has no clean clothes and gas to cook his own food. I cannot for the life of me ever fathom out how so many women on MN seem to end up in these situations. I don't know anyone in real life who doesn't share parenting and household chores.

stilldr

Unfortunately, nature made a big mistake. It should have given men their version of the menopause so that they could no longer procreate at a certain point. Then the whole business about younger models, wasting someone's years would all be moot

If only...

'Perhaps I have been a little unfair to say he does nothing, he does look after DS sometimes when I'm at work. But yes I do all the housework, most of the child care and general running of the house.'

You're crazy to want another child with this person. Pulling one's fair share is not 'helping', either. 'asking him to help'. You shouldn't have to.

TBH, I'd leave this man and have a child with a sperm donor. It'd be far less hassle than someone who resents having a child because, waaaa, he doesn't get enough ickle 'me' time.

I see nothing wrong with wanting 'me' time and eschewing children for that reason. Some of us would prefer to travel, do volunteer work, garden, read or just flop about watching trash TV. What's the problem?

Failing to use birth control or seek out determinedly childfree women and THEN complaining when, predictably, one ends up with a child and not enough 'me' time is definitely reprehensible. But there is nothing innately more noble or selfless in choosing the childed life than there is in choosing the childfree.