Am trying to make sense of something I don't understand about me.

[Lanark2]

Hello,
I am trying to understand something about me that frankly I can't seem to get right, or get help from family or friends over, and I really would be very grateful for input from people here.

The problem is, that I don't feel appreciated, but its worse than that, it that I don't feel that anybody knows or cares who I am. Its not a weird emotional state, its just kind of true.

By that I mean that I can't remember the last time I had a conversation about things I am passionate about, out one of those end of week debriefs that reset your view of humanity, but on top of this, my e employer thinks I don't have skill in advance of my role, yet I have run projects that are bigger in scope than the department. I have had brilliant relationships, that seemed to just end, either when I was discussed too much by my partner and her friends, or that just fizzled out, and now I am often viewed as 'not boyfriend material' yet I always feel that I am in love with commitment, shared vision, would desperately love a family, and am without exception supportive of my partner, perhaps more than I am supportive of myself.
In my group of friends, I used to be viewed as the successful one, yet in the last six years have been bullied out of three jobs, sometimes aggressively, sometimes passively, and I can't put my finger on why so many things for me go the opposite to the way they go for others.

The relationship thing is the most puzzling, as my last relationship ended up with my partner being in a constant power struggle with me without my playing back, which just deflated everything.

any help or suggestions welcome.

OP - I am qualified in Myers-Briggs and if that is what you have taken from doing it then you have not understood. Either because whoever did it with you isn't trained or you did it on a website without guidance. Not your fault.

It can be a really useful tool to help us understand ourselves and others, but it needs explanation.
MBTI does not measure skills, achievements, ability or employability. It doesn't predict or assess your ability to solve problems, be creative, nor how driven you are. It is about how you prefer to live your life.

EverySecondCounts If you seriously are a clinician, then you missed the bits about the overuse of judgemental terms and negative language.

Though you are amazingly focussed on small errors (though I haven't time to check) that are undoubtedly down to small amounts of time available to post at some of the times I do, what is most worrying to me is your reading of intention behind this and a frightening need to reinforce and 'make real by repetition' a rather dangerous 'diagnosis' which based on no other depth than a few posts, a clear will to seek one particular outcome and an odd need to add your own version (quick work =disregard for details =NARC).

I note that you are downgrading these "diagnoses' (suggestion of) to 'I work with people like that so I know. I have worked with cancer patients- I can't diagnose cancer. Actually you are using your 'diagnosis' to bully, which is very dangerous.

As a reference point, a flatmate of mine who was in the middle of a breakdown used to yell at other flatmates 'you are crazy and need help, I know this because I have spent years in psychotherapy and am on anti-psychotics DRUGS' er..it wasn't us...

Its also dangerous to find people who are expressing vulnerability to hammer them over the head with a single poor diagnosis.

kumamon yes, sorry I added other characteristics from other tests. My MBTI gives a balance between most of the characteristics but I'm ENFJ- A on the examples above.. Judging/prospecting(perceiving) a near 50/50. Intuition and Feeling are clearer preferences.

If it helps, I have been having very feeling dreams about ex girlfriends. It seems on the 'beyond dating' definition I have had 5 LTRs..and fallen in love six times.

OP, I've read the whole thread carefully even though I should be cleaning my kitchen and waking my children and despite the plethora of careful advice and suggestions, you've not written one practical idea for moving forward.

Re job situation - all I'm getting from you is a "....yes, but..." rather than saying "Right. I'm going to..."

Many posters have asked what type of field you're aiming for/working in now but you've not provided the information. We're a practical-minded bunch and between us all, a fairly good plan could be suggested but I think you just want to debate what others have told you.

You are going to go around in circles with your introspection and self-analysis. Yes, we all need a place to off-load, but nothing will change for you if you don't tackle your life on a practical level.

So: what are you going to actually do today to tackle your work predicament? Let's start with that one.

Lanark I think that turning things around and using your energy and good health to help other people would make you happier and get you meeting other nice kind people.

You would appreciate what you have got (a job, a home, good health, a good brain, youth- 42 is young to me) if you were helping the homeless, the sick, the suicidal, the illiterate, prisoners or the old. Volunteers are needed everywhere, try a few roles to see what suits you. Just a few hours a week will not only change someone else's life, it could well change yours.

Forget the introspection, blaming, worrying and go out and be a person you can be proud of. It wouldn't make you rich but it would be important work you could be proud of.

You seem obsessed by other people's views of you.
Get counseling so you think about what you like and want out of life and not what everyone else thinks/believes about you. How can you get going if your mind is full of what you imagine everyone else is doing or sayin? You will get nowhere and be exhausted.

Lanark - if you are feeling vulnerable behind these posts you are coming across as combative, condescending, PA and self-indulgent.

This likely to be why you end up feeling bullied.

If when you feel vulnerable you go on the attack and drop in many comments indicating you are superior in various ways then that does not signal to people you are feeling vulnerable, it inflames the situation and people often respond by wanting to take you down a peg or two.

The issue with the LTR is another strange inconsistency. It was you who came on her expressing concerns about your lack of relationships, you revealed an extraordinarily high standard, when other people said the standard is usually lower your response was along the lines of 'ha, so I am successful at relationships take that' when in reality the judgement that you were poor at relationships and that you wouldn't count any of your relationships as LTR came from you and your high standards, no-one else.

People replied on that basis because you indicated you had an issue.

TBH I agree that you can't be diagnosed over the Internet on the basis of one thread.

I don't think anyone was trying to diagnose you though, what everysecondcounts is really pointing out is that on this thread you are displaying a huge amount of self absorption, a lack of social skills, a sense of importance and a lack of responsibility.

You seem to be seeking attention whether it is negative or positive rather than seeking any advice or looking to resolve anything you have stated as a problem.

I just think from all your posts;

• it is you that thinks you need to have more money to have a relationship not 'women'

• it is likely you create difficulties at work by feeling you are too good to do what you've been asked to which creates a difficult atmosphere, your responses to difficulties at work inflame situations and you avoid responsibility by claiming you have been bullied which further rubs people up the wrong way.

• your friends have got frustrated by you only wanting to hear positive responses despite your negative attitude towards other people and either distance themselves or take on a rescuer role.

So yes, go to therapy.

CBT is en vogue with the NHS at the moment. It's about changing negative thought patterns and could be helpful for you if you engaged with it.

Offred, You feel me to be...(list of negatives)..but that is not how I feel, or am doing, its curious that you want so desperately for me to 'understand' only negatives... I am amazed at the idea that would be useful, but there you are.

Actually I lead in doing 'unpopular' jobs at work, and don't act superior except that I know when an office bully has tried to belittle me by 'making' me do something they thought was belittling, I did it well, with passion and in fact turned it around. Of course a bully is going to hate that and flip it to 'who does he think he is showing up people who can only do that job'

This thread has been very helpful because it has allowed me to see that some people attack, then describe their attack as 'helpful if you accept it, but you are aggressive and confrontational if you dont' that in itself has helped me realise some people need to be ignored or their influence minimised.

I'm not sure if you have taken anything in here. You only seem to want to see what you want to see. Anything negative, even as part of something constructive is seen as an attack. If you see ANY negative feedback as an attack, you will not learn from your mistakes.

You have to be your own harsh critic but also your own best friend and right now you're neither. You have to be dispassionate and look at yourself. Would you date yourself? Would you want to work with yourself?

To take your points though,

1. Yes I need more money to have both relationships and to feel valued

2.I don't create difficulties at work, but I do find that some people act manipulatively against me instead of managing me. This isn't imagined, a lot of people do it. It makes me sad and sometimes gets me down as often it requires them to deeply misrepresent me in order that they don't feel bad doing it. I do tend to spot this, and that can drive covert bullies/manipulators a little crazy. Good managers don't do this. They are rare. Weirdly some of the worst jobs I have had have had fewer of these behaviours.

1. 'Friends' who used the 'how are you feeling?..tired, sad..'oh that's because of your personality disorder" ' I don't think I have a personality disorder '..'see you are argumentative aggressive and dismissing that's your problem' aren't really helping, no.

So you intend to carry on doing all the same things and expecting a different outcome?

Yes...

You don't have a right to only hear positive feedback. One of the issues I believe you have is with hearing negative feedback. That is why I have focused on that particular aspect.

Your thread was about how negative your life is.

You have generally ignored people who gave you more positive affirmations.

I think what you want from this thread is sympathy TBH. You want to post a load of negative things and have people only post positive things in response because you feel others are responsible for making you happy.

I don't think that would be a helpful way to respond.

I suspect things are not as negative as you feel them to be in your RL. The main problem seems to be your negative outlook. There are however a couple of indications you may be suffering from some disordered thinking, particularly around work and relationships.

Your life would be improved by working on changing your negative outlook in therapy.

Oh yes!/would I date myself, yes.. I'm a good conversationalist, especially like intelligent and/or creative interchange love people watching and doing odd, spontaneous things (good question!!)
And yes, I would love to work with me as I keep positive moods going at work, keep stress light, but achieve a lot and love to share work and loads. I would not, however like to get caught out bullying me, but me being me I am aware enough to say 'hands up I should have been more explicit/was getting you back a bit' but if I were to calculatedly try to get me into trouble and make rumours up, I would be very uncomfortable and aware of how careful I would need to be..

And I'd add. I don't feel you to be anything.

I am saying on this thread you come across as and drawing some limited conclusions re what may be causing your expressed issues.

Mmm.

You don't half leap down people's throats, do you?

You are ascribing bad intentions and 'bullying' to quite a lot of people on this thread. Why? You asked what you might be doing wrong, and people have made educated guesses; we/they have no interest beyond trying to get you to see how you come across to others.

Surely, surely you can see that thinking the worst of people is what's got you into this muddle in the first place?

And for goodness' sake, what's with the dire threats of 'don't mess with me or you are IN FOR IT'?

Grow up. And I say that from an initially sympathetic viewpoint.

Which threats?

I think it might be time to accept, OP, that you might not be right in your self-estimation.

This, a thousand times. I mean! The entire world is wrong and you are right? Your friends, your colleagues, the women you have had relationships with and your family?

Lots of people here have given you very good advice - namely to stop focusing on other people and start focusing on the life you would like and how to achieve it. Hint: I can guarantee that the life you want will not be achieved by focusing on your current situation and the bad decisions that have you lead you to it, complaining about your many and various past and present hardships, or by blaming other people for your problems. But having read this thread I fully expect you to dismiss everyone on here as yet another crowd who "don't understand you" and continue on your pig-headed and self-righteous path.

Oh and btw, you don't have to accept money anyone offers to lend you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Pay it back as soon as you possibly can and apologise profusely.

Can't believe this is still going.

Offred mate, you've written some great stuff but I'm afraid you're wasting your time. Anything other than "You're wonderful, poor you. Everyone you have known or worked with is evil and out to get you." is just not wanted here, sadly. (I found your posts really interesting though!)

Mumsnet can offer so much well thought out advice, and moral support, to those who want it and seem to deserve it. This is not one of those occasions, obviously.

If your only answer to the question 'what do you think is going wrong?' is 'other people' then you will never make any progress.

That's the simple truth.

If your employment history doesn't look good on paper and a prospective employer asks for an explanation responding 'I often get bullied, people don't recognise my talents and achievements and many people have made a concerted effort to force me out unfairly' then that employer is going to (quite reasonably conclude) 'hmm... That's unlikely to be the case, he sounds like a trouble maker who has difficulty taking responsibility for his behaviour'

If you portray your past relationships to new women as 'every woman I've dated has been a fake who was only interested in using me, all I did was love them but some of them left me without asking for permission to do so' women are going to (quite reasonably conclude) that you are delusional, controlling, don't like women very much and aren't worth a chance.

If you portray yourself to prospective friends as the victim of people who have never been supportive enough they are going to (quite reasonably) conclude that you are high maintenance and self absorbed which is not an attractive proposition.

You feel you have things to offer. You need to show those things to other people in the way you express yourself. You need to learn how to show those things to others in a respectful way even if you don't like or agree with them. All this standing up to bullies by making their lives miserable on purpose is high school behaviour and not conducive to resolving problems.

TBF I think no-one is in a position to judge whether you have the positive attributes you feel you do.

You may well.

All I can say with any confidence is you are not expressing/demonstrating them on this thread and I suspect you are not doing that in RL either.

Qualities, skills and talents are only worth anything if you are able to communicate them effectively in the real world. That usually requires some thinking about how you are perceived by others who look at and judge you on your actual expressions to the world and actions in the world rather than know and understand your hidden intentions.

Life is neither fair nor unfair, it is what you make of it.

AskingForAPal I tried not to get involved but I couldn't help it! Too tempting