Am trying to make sense of something I don't understand about me.

[Lanark2]

Hello,
I am trying to understand something about me that frankly I can't seem to get right, or get help from family or friends over, and I really would be very grateful for input from people here.

The problem is, that I don't feel appreciated, but its worse than that, it that I don't feel that anybody knows or cares who I am. Its not a weird emotional state, its just kind of true.

By that I mean that I can't remember the last time I had a conversation about things I am passionate about, out one of those end of week debriefs that reset your view of humanity, but on top of this, my e employer thinks I don't have skill in advance of my role, yet I have run projects that are bigger in scope than the department. I have had brilliant relationships, that seemed to just end, either when I was discussed too much by my partner and her friends, or that just fizzled out, and now I am often viewed as 'not boyfriend material' yet I always feel that I am in love with commitment, shared vision, would desperately love a family, and am without exception supportive of my partner, perhaps more than I am supportive of myself.
In my group of friends, I used to be viewed as the successful one, yet in the last six years have been bullied out of three jobs, sometimes aggressively, sometimes passively, and I can't put my finger on why so many things for me go the opposite to the way they go for others.

The relationship thing is the most puzzling, as my last relationship ended up with my partner being in a constant power struggle with me without my playing back, which just deflated everything.

any help or suggestions welcome.

No I dont see, I dont see any evidence of that at all. Care to provide some?

What I see you doing is choosing to listen to the advice that supports your pre-existing view of the situation and throwing PA personal insults at people you disagree with because you perceive any criticism as a personal attack which is designed to undermine you.

No-one is angry, no-one is yelling at you either.

In reality people really would have very little reason to contribute to your thread unless their intention was to help you resolve your stated issue of not understanding your 'puzzling' situation.

That doesn't mean agreeing with absolutely everything you say.

No personal insults, recognising bullying. Glad you sound more rational.

And if you've taken on the advice to seek therapy, that is good.

You could start by making an appointment with your GP and seeing what the NHS provision in your area is like.

OP if you are even half as condescending in person as you have been in this thread, then I would be petitioning your manager to let you go as well.

And actually, whether people are being rational or not isnt up to you to be the judge of, its not an award for you to benevolently bestow on the lesser mortals. Which is lucky, because you are being the only one on this thread who isnt making much sense.

The more you post, the more clear your issue becomes.

How sure are you that the majority of posters on this thread are wrong?

Hi OP, I posted at 11.24 this morning. You haven't referred to anything in my post I don't think, so I wondered if it was actually unhelpful or just totally off the mark or if you found what I said inappropriate for you. there's nothing worse than being ignored

Lanark did you read that article in new scientist?

I'm not a subscriber but the first part that is free online seems to fit awfully well with the discussion on this thread.

Oh bollocks! Have we been had? Bugger.

Have been reading Offred - beginning to see now why my posts were utterly irrelevant to the person who posted the OP.

Yeah you didn't reply to mine either. AIBU to feel that he's not recognising my special talents in giving advice?

Anyway, here's a handy checklist. How many can we tick off from this thread alone?

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

• Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

• Requires excessive admiration

• Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

• Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

• Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

• Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

tormentil I wasn't giving you advice. I was giving Lanark2 advice and indirectly telling him that he would be unwise to think that everyone else is wrong because he can identify with you.

Lanark2, no protection, just self-awareness and the humility to admit my flaws.

Projection*

3 A family who sees everything as 'a problem with me' ie they are never on my side against the world, more the other way around

This jumped out at me from your early post.

If you were the black sheep as a child/teenager, or even the greyish one, you need to sort out your past, your childhood, and the effect it has had on you - go for counseling and talk it through and through until you understand yourself and why you have issues.

If you get that sorted out the rest (your present life) will fall into place.

Thanks again for the comments, unfortunately I have struggled to answer each one, and did fall into the trap of defending the last dig rather than doing so... I'll do this when I get the chance.

I know "narcissist" is the PD of choice/fashion at the moment, but please don't think it applies to everything just because if that- most of the "narcissist rule books' delivered by laypeople are quite clearly one person complaining about one ex and using NPD as a nice stick to use..

I don't think you are a narcissist, but I do think that you have a disconnect between your ideals and the reality. What would be sad is if you spend your life pining for the life in your fantasies, instead of making the most of the life you have. It's a fact that people seem more attractive when they are confident and happy.

Thanks, yes I know that quite acutely, that is why I am so worried about myself. I am trying to close the gap but can't even get to a point where I can enjoy now. What mystifies me is that I am seen instinctively as shit job guy, rather than as good job guy.. I think maybe being quite physical is part of that.. I am reminded of a woman who talked to me for a while, but then said knowingly 'you do a working job' just because I am reasonably fit (actually not that fit anymore!)

Springdaffs yes that is part of the issue.. I would go into business on my own but I hate the loneliness and also I love teams achieving the impossible and sharing good feedback..on your own you can feel like you are just making up your good qualities and contribution, and that's emotionally tiring...

Mum2mum99 that positive regard sounds exactly like what I need as the voice expressing my strengths is getting weaker and its the only thing I have to resist the negatives that are constantly thrown at me

Stillthefolkgirl.. Thanks, I am not in a field or industry I feel suits all of me, but I can't find a solid place to reach for that at the moment, as in the rest of my life..

Offered, can I ask what you consider an LTR as having them with 'all kinds of men" suggests that your definition is quite short?..I have had several for a year or two, but I consider an LTR to be like 10-15 years, . I have been in love for longer than my relationships at times, so its not emotional deficiency.. In fact some have definitely left because I boosted their sodding ego so much they thought the next step was a star, wealthy banker or film star...and some just didn't have the conversation with me, so I became unsure and her friends decided I wasn't serious, or worse we just didn't not split up but stayed friendly until she met someone else. I like my relationships to not be over heavy and fawning, and sometimes that helps the idea that they are not real. Of late though, I just don't feel like a good prospect and feel it would be unfair not to at least be an equal partner.. I'm quite principled and hate that I can't sort things out because employers keep pushing me away.. I am perfectly decent but look hideous on paper because of the sodding employers.

Hi tormentil,

I have done myers-briggs and all it does is confirm me as high achiever, driven, high standards, creative problem solver who can be analytical, team focussed, able to identify and articulate problems and their solutions s etc etc all very good employability traits..

I know you didn't ask me, but I consider LTR to be (generally) a year or more. As in its a definite "relationship", not just dating and getting to know one another.

10-15 years is a very high expectation for all LTRs to last.

These discussions are for therapy.

Everyone defines LTR differently. 10-15 years I would say is an extreme requirement before a relationship is called 'long term relationship'.

A LTR is usually any relationship which has moved into a form of stability and beyond 'dating'.

My shortest relationship was 4 years bar the one I am in which is coming up to 3 years, not that it is in any way relevant to anything really.

Doing any kind of personality self assessment test is going to give you a result which reflects your view of yourself.

What is better is taking feedback from other people TBH. If a number of people in a variety of settings are saying the same things it is wise to consider whether they are true:

Lanark you don't sound in a great place to me. Why do you think that the people who you know have ticked the boxes?

Were you overvalued or only valued as a child by your academic achievements?

What could you do to improve your life for yourself?

You have been really horrid to people trying to help you on this thread, is that how you treat your friends?

Answer my questions please.