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Original poster

Why would anyone become the OW?

547 replies

StillAgainstTheWind · 25/01/2016 16:10

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 31/01/2016 12:31

Where, in my post, did I say I was judging you personally, stumblymonkey?

Chip on your shoulder, or maybe not as guilt-free as you claim to be? Wink

JonesTheSteam · 31/01/2016 12:40

And I agree life isn't black and white. People make mistakes. I have in the past. My DH certainly has. Lots of friends and family have over the years.

No-one can change the things they have done, but to not regret them and not feel even a twinge of guilt about hurting someone, even if they don't know them, seems extremely cold and callous to me.

But hey, everyone is different.

Narp · 31/01/2016 12:49

Yes

Tabsicle · 31/01/2016 17:47

SkyWasMadeOfAmethyst - oh thank you for reading. I just saw this. I've always assumed it wasn't assault as he told me I propositioned him and just had forgotten because I'd taken the pills and I figured drugged consent was still consent. I've had a friend say it was assault but I've not been sure.

I don't know. Sorry. It seems I'm getting all wobbly thinking about it. Thank you for the link.

SkyWasMadeOfAmethyst · 31/01/2016 18:20

tab If you were blacked out you were not in a position to give consent, no matter what you were alleged to have said or did. I am so sorry. Please do ring up and speak to someone. I was quite fucked up for a long time after what happened to me and very confused. I even had my own family tell me it was my fault for getting drunk and being vulnerable. That simply isn't true. Drunk girls don't cause rape, rapists do.

jillyarmeen16 · 31/01/2016 18:54

Those women that were the ow and are now the happily married wives of these cheating men, do you trust your dh?
My dp had an affair, lied to me, cheated and disrespected me for 6 months. She knew about me. He's now with ow. I don't understand how she can feel secure or trust that he won't do the same to her knowing he's capable of it.

AmberNectarine · 31/01/2016 19:43

I trust my DH 100% - he has never given me the slightest inkling that his eye might wander and believe me, he's a terrible liar. He maintains he got married too young (fresh out of university to his first gf) and that as they got older, they found they weren't really compatible. She is now happily married with a child of her own and my understanding from mutual friends is that her now-DH is a much better match.

Yes, the way we went about things was shitty and while I do regret the hurt that was caused, I don't regret the outcome.

jillyarmeen16 · 31/01/2016 22:06

I never had an inkling that my dp would or was cheating for over 5 months. We were planning a wedding and I truly believed he loved me and fully intended to spend the rest of his life with me.
He should have left not cheated.
How do you know if you will be more compatible with someone you only know from an affair which isn't a true representation of a real relationship, than the person you share your home and your real life with?

AmberNectarine · 31/01/2016 22:24

I can't articulate it, I just knew.

No way my DH could be cheating anyway, we live and work together, but nonetheless, he wouldn't.

AmberNectarine · 31/01/2016 22:25

Anyway, there's no point being married without trust. If I'd had any misgivings, I wouldn't have married him.

NotLTB · 31/01/2016 22:47

AmberNectarine hahaha. That's what I thought

jillyarmeen16 · 31/01/2016 22:50

You just knew you would be a much better match for him than his wife? I wonder if you would trust him so much if you didn't work together?
I'm sure his wife didn't have misgivings when she married him.
Maybe he wouldn't. I never thought mine would.

SoupDragon · 31/01/2016 22:57

No way my DH could be cheating anyway, we live and work together, but nonetheless, he wouldn't.

Except, of course, he already has proved himself to be a liar and a cheat.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/01/2016 23:00

My husband left me and our children for an OW. She had been widowed for less than 6 months when I found out, we had been together for 14 years. Apparently, I should have wished them well and "moved on" immediately, she felt entitled to destroy my family because her husband had been killed. When I didn't do this, when I questioned them, wanted answers, she and my now ex-h systematically set out to destroy me and my children. The youngest was 2 1/2 at the time and is now diagnosed with autism. I have lived a hell I wouldn't wish on anybody over the past 2 1/2 years. I will never get over how they have behaved, the damage they have done, the ripple effect on our families. Yet OW was "bored of my pitiful bleating" and so utterly malicious and vile it still leaves me speechless. My ex-h saw pound signs and a lifestyle he didn't have to pay for. As it happens, he's lost everything and is now a shadow of his former self. She knew what she was doing, she had been in and out of our marriage for many years and indeed tried to get my husband to leave me shortly after our wedding. So, she's got her prize now. Unfortunately for her, she doesn't have a clue what she's dealing with. I am glad to be rid of him now, I wasn't for a very long time, but can now see what an utter piece of shit he really was and she deserves everything she gets. However, it has left me unable to trust anybody and I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than risk going through anything like this again.

AmberNectarine · 31/01/2016 23:14

No relationship is without risk. You can never second guess another person. I trust my husband, despite the history. Maybe that will bite me on the arse one day, maybe it won't. But what's the alternative, never trust anyone because they might let you down?

I cheated on my bf with my now-DH (admittedly I broke it off a lot sooner but it was a considerably less serious relationship), I know I would never be unfaithful to DH. Is it so outlandish to believe he feels the same?

Or is he different because he happens to be in possession of a penis?

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/01/2016 23:22

But what's the alternative, never trust anyone because they might let you down

Yep, my capacity to have a relationship has been destroyed by my ex-h and his OW. I will never ever trust anybody again, ever. It's shit feeling like that, it really is. People who do this to others have no idea how much pain they cause.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 01/02/2016 01:58

As with many situations, a bit of acknowledgement goes a long way in helping people move on, even if it does change the actual situation; sometimes, you need to hear that 'what we/I did was wrong and I'm sorry'. It may not change anything, but it is powerful. But it seems that there are an awful lot of women on here who will just not admit they've done anything wrong and feel no remorse for their awful behaviour. As long as they got what they wanted.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 01/02/2016 01:59

*doesn't change the situation

ravenmum · 01/02/2016 07:56

AmberNectarine - my ex also "never thought he would do anything like that", but he did. He told me that I shouldn't think I would never be unfaithful, as I might find myself cheating too one day. He's taught me that no, you can't trust anybody. Male or female has nothing to do with it.

christmaswreaths · 01/02/2016 09:13

I was the OW without knowing, as I once went out with someone for just over a year. I can't believe I fell for the lies. It was quite easily done as they lived in a hotel in the week and then went home for the weekend. It became every other fortnight. He told me he lived with his parents/extended family and they didn't approve of extra marital relationships and I believed him!

I found out eventually as I became very suspicious and found proof - and we split up. His then partner went on to marry him! Good luck to her...

It isn't just men who cheat though - I know at least two married women who went onto have affairs with single men, one even got pregnant whilst still married to her ex, who was totally oblivious!

DoorToTheRiver · 01/02/2016 11:51

Entirely different if the OW knows the wife but in a lot of workplace situations the OW will only know the husband. She might know the wife exists but will only see the husband and doesn't see him with his wife. So it's very out of sight out of mind and the wife is less real.

Plenty of women don't give a fuck if the bloke is married as well. I used to work with a bitch woman who, for want of a better word, was a maneater. Yes I know it's misogynistic bullshit but it's an apt description. She was having it away with at least one married bloke and had designs on another. She honestly did not give a flying fuck he was married. Just sex and a challenge to her. She had a right entitled attitude on her and she thought she was something special.

She long since got the sack but we still have dealings with her at work and she's in her 40s, not married and exactly the same.

BeautyIsTruth · 01/02/2016 12:29

I've known a few people who have both been married with children and had affairs with each other. My uncle and aunt for one. They've been very happily married for over 20 years, I don't believe for one minute they'd ever cheat on each other. But it caused a hell of a lot of upset at the time. I do think they're much better suited to each other than their previous partners and they were both unhappy in their marriages. Not that that's an excuse, of course and my uncle's first wife left him for someone else and it devastated him but he still chose to cheat on his second wife. In some ways, it's harder to understand a woman who's married with children doing it but then I suppose if she's willing to cheat on her DH then that's two lots of guilt she has to contend with.

I also know someone else who says that she prefers married men because they're "less clingy." She doesn't want to break up marriages or have him leave their wife, she wants a bit of excitement and sex without all the boredom and hassles of a normal relationship. She has children herself so it's not that she doesn't understand what it's like. I think she's convinced herself that she's doing them a favour as this way the men get the sex they want without leaving their marriage or breaking up their family. Pretty messed up thinking but that's how she justifies it. She had a boyfriend for a while and told him all this and I did wonder how he could look at her in the same way.

viridus · 01/02/2016 13:30

Why would anyone become the OW?

Because they are getting something from the relationship, this can vary from each individual. And/or they believe the cheater will leave their partner for them. And/or, they believe the lies the cheater is telling them.
It's a very strange position to be in because it's not a "proper" relationship is it? It's not a relationship based on true care, confidence and love.

For those who have been the cheaters, and went on to marry/live together have you ever apologised to the ex-wife/husband/partner?
Many have said they knew they behaved badly, so surely the right course of action would be to say they are sorry. . . .?

jillyarmeen16 · 01/02/2016 22:02

MrsC Flowers to you.
I also can't see how I will ever trust a man ever again. It's still early days for me but I know the humiliation and betrayal I have been put though has damaged me in a way that will never be fully fixed.
I don't know if I will ever be able to risk going through this most awful devestating experience again. Hopefully one day i will be brave enough.
They didn't think of the consequences to their actions. Those consequences are devestating and far reaching to the people they hurt. But they just get on with their selfish oblivious little lives.

sumof7x7 · 02/02/2016 00:58

I have been the ow. I'm not proud of it. I was married with children and we had discussed divorce many times, he was living with a partner, no children.

It was very far from planned or expected, i got carried away with it. We both ended out relationships within a few months and are still together several years later.

I feel more guilt about what we did as time goes on, I'm less trusting than I used to be and because of how we started I will always have that at the back of my mind.

my perspective on the type of people, me a and women, who commit adultery has changed. My opinion of it hasn't; I still think it is unforgivable, the ultimate betrayl, causes hurt beyond what you imagine. But now I appreciate that not everyone is plain bad who falls into it. Nothing in life is black and white.

I watched my mum suffer after my dad had affairs until he eventually left for an ow. I've seen a friend go through it. My insecurity about it now is painful and character changing. Never did I think I'd be that person. But there isn't a standard adulterer. It's wrong without question but it doesn't always define a person.