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Original poster

Why would anyone become the OW?

547 replies

StillAgainstTheWind · 25/01/2016 16:10

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 30/01/2016 14:00

confusion I was referring to the six months of the affair - did you discuss it with your exH before you embarked on the affair? I'm gathering by your use of the word you did not. Your gamble may have paid off for you, but what if they hadn't?

Don't blame you for the NC. Hmm

stumblymonkey · 30/01/2016 14:33

Everyone's morality is different. Personally I feel it's up to the person who is committed to live up to that commitment.

When I was single I didn't feel that I 'owed' something to married women I hadn't ever met. I absolutely realise that this isn't the same for everyone.

If my DP cheated on me, unless the OW was someone that I knew (who therefore I feel does have a moral duty), I would not blame the OW at all but only the person who broke their commitment to me.

In my specific circumstance I had been in a relationship with the married man before he'd met his wife, we caught up one evening and I had very strong feelings for him.

Did it work out? No, of course not but I didn't cry into my pillow or expect any sympathy.

As it happens my DSF (stepfather) left his wife for my mother and they've been married for 25 years. His ex-wife was happy to be rid of him and got a very good deal out of the divorce and she and my mother became friends.

Life isn't black and white.

stumblymonkey · 30/01/2016 14:38

Oh...also...I wouldn't do it again. It was particular to those circumstances and that specific man.

I have had some therapy since and have come to realise that I was avoiding commitment at that time for various reasons to do with things that happened in my childhood and in my previous LTR. It's possible that I was also subconsciously attracted to that situation by the fact that I wouldn't need to commit. That's just in hindsight though.

SpoiltMardyCow · 30/01/2016 14:49

I was married, but fell in love with OM. We left our spouses to be together and we're going strong after 9 years now and we will get married soon.

I'd been married for 12, he for 26.

I feel terrible regret for the pain we caused.

His ex is now engaged to get married and is much happier. I'm friends with his adult kids. My ex was always a lugubrious person and is still the unhappy soul that I met and tried to save 20 years ago. He just doesn't have any joy in his DNA.

My only regret is that we didn't separate from our spouses first. The beginning of our relationship will always be full of shame, even after all this time.

Why did I become OW? Because I fell madly in love. And he did too. And now, we are a family. No regrets for the outcome but deep shame for our actions.

stumblymonkey · 30/01/2016 15:05

One thing to add....there is quite a lot of anger towards OW however I often think this is misdirected. The person (partner/wife/child) who was hurt is actually projecting the anger onto the OW rather than the cheater as that makes it easier for them to forgive.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 30/01/2016 15:08

Perhaps you're not a reliable witness, here, stumblymonkey

WaterAngel · 30/01/2016 15:20

A MM friend of mine who has a FWB thing told me he was sad and angry about the fact his wife is asexual. 3 times a year. He works (has a good job), he does most of the heavy lifting/domestic stuff - school runs/shopping/cooking/running the house, he absolutely adores his children and can't bear to think of not living with them.

He said "I knew going into the marriage that the sex wasn't going to be all that great, but I thought love would be enough. Yet here I am".

That made me sad.

I don't know. I can't blame him all that much for seeking out an OW but then it's just my opinion obvs.

stumblymonkey · 30/01/2016 15:22

Withasponge...why not a reliable witness?

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 30/01/2016 15:25

Because of what you posted up thread. Unless, I read it wrong, you seemed to absolve yourself and justify your actions and then to talk about blaming the OW as being misdirected.

stumblymonkey · 30/01/2016 15:31

I haven't absolved myself. The OP asked for people to explain why someone would the the OW and I did.

My code of morality is that I stay true to my commitments. I've never cheated on anyone...not a kiss, not a flirtation...and never would. When I was the OW I didn't have any commitment to the wife....so under my moral code I don't have anything to absolve.

No-one's moral codes are the same. I'm totally aware that being the OW is against other people's moral codes but it isn't against mine.

Just because I've been the OW once in my life doesn't mean that I can't observe what other people do, how they behave, etc. It's fine if you don't agree with me but in friends and family I've seen them project additional anger onto the OW or OM which then allows them to forgive their partner.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 30/01/2016 15:36

I wouldn't forgive my DH or the OW. Getting involved with someone who you know to be married is a shitty, shitty thing to do.

stumblymonkey · 30/01/2016 15:39

Fair enough. I know a lot of people feel that way.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 30/01/2016 15:40

Then we're probably all wrong.

JAPAB · 30/01/2016 16:17

My code of morality is that I stay true to my commitments. I've never cheated on anyone...not a kiss, not a flirtation...and never would. When I was the OW I didn't have any commitment to the wife....so under my moral code I don't have anything to absolve.

I think the "promises" thing can muddy the waters somewhat. When analysing who has "guilt" for most kinds of harm, you generally wouldn't even consider it (except as something to make the guilt even worse).

For instance, if considering whether the people that bought cosmetics tested on animals had some degree of guilt over cosmetics being tested on animals, no-one asked "but did the people buying cosmetics tested on animals have any loyalty to those animals?"

Or if two people conspire to con an elderly person in some way, the only difference the fact that one had a "duty of care" to the elderly person (say she was his mother) would make is that it would make the guilt of that person greater. It wouldn't mean that their partner who aided and abetted them in the endeavour, who did not know the elderly person and who had no loyalty to them, is not guilty as they broke no "promises" etc.

Yet affairs seem to be unique in that the person who enables, aids and abetts the creation of (emotional) harm for other parties, is considered by some to have no "guilt" because they made no "promises" to those other parties.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 30/01/2016 16:33

Nope, doesn't wash with me, either JAPAB

stumblymonkey · 30/01/2016 17:42

Then it follows that every time you do something that hurts someone else you are 'guilty'?

So if you argue with someone and you feel it's warranted but the other person is hurt by it you are 'guilty'? That wouldn't be most people's interpretation.

If you date someone that another woman likes and she's hurt, you're 'guilty'. Nope...not if you weren't friends with them.

There are all sorts of situations in life where someone gets hurt and it doesn't make you 'guilty'.

The two examples you used were causing direct physical pain and a crime...I don't think that's comparable.

Besides 'guilt' in this instance is a subjective matter. You believe I am 'guilty' as what I did is a breach of your moral code. It's not a breach of mine though. I understand that you and others may want to label me guilty but I don't feel any guilt.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 30/01/2016 17:47

Because you've absolved yourself. We get it. You feel no remorse at all.

AmberNectarine · 30/01/2016 17:51

Ok, I'll bite too.

I was an OW for 6m. At which point he left his wife (no kids). We have been together 8 years now. Married with two kids.

The reason in my case was love. Plain and simple. Pretty much instantaneous love. And yes, it was selfish. I would have walked over broken glass to be with him.

I'll never be able to justify what I did but I can't say I regret it.

BunnyTyler · 30/01/2016 18:19

Agree JAPAB.
The tired old shit of 'I owe the wife nothing, I never made the vows' etc etc is a bollocks cop out imo.

Both people are to blame for an affair, both are fully accountable for their own actions.

My moral code is to live an honest life and treat others with respect, and not to knowingly contribute to someone's upset.

All that either party has to say is 'no' and the affair doesn't happen.
If the married partner is serious about their unbridled love for the new attraction, then they will finish their current relationship.
If not, then they will presumably move into their next target.
Et voila! Bullet dodged, no being an OW or OM, as they have no willing partner in deceit.

IrianofWay · 30/01/2016 19:35

Agree JAPAB. Society generally sanctions random hurtful behaviour towards total strangers. Because that is how our society hangs together. I don't have to have made promises to anyone to understand it's not great to damage them in some way.

Marriages have flaws because so do people - some of those marriages will be unfixable. However as soon as you add another love partner into the mix the marriage is instantly far more damaged than ever it was before.

JonesTheSteam · 30/01/2016 21:12

Hmmm...

Personally, I think it takes a very special type of self-entitled, selfish 'my-happiness-is-all-that-matters' type of person who can look back at how their actions may have hurt a complete stranger and think so what, I didn't know them so don't care if I caused them pain.

I think most people, once they've grown up a bit, and look back at things they did when they were young and stupid, and, with the benefit of hindsight, see how their actions caused hurt, feel at least a little guilt or remorse.

I don't mean hand-wringing, 'shit-I'm-so-bad, please-flame-me' guilt, but the odd twinge that says what I did wasn't very nice at all. And now I wouldn't necessarily make those choices but would act with more integrity.

If things are still 'meant to be' and it really is love and all that star-crossed shit a lot of the OW posters on here claim (on other threads, not this one), then how does not choosing to be in a relationship with a MM or MW, but waiting until they are free to have a real relationship with you cause a problem. I don't get it.

SkyWasMadeOfAmethyst · 30/01/2016 21:49

Uh. Did no one read Tabsicle's post? Tab if you took sleeping pills and don't remember what happened then you were sexually assaulted. I am really sorry that happened to you. It wasn't your fault and how you reacted is not unusual for someone who has been assaulted - you were trying to make sense of what happened. Blaming yourself means that you somehow had the power to control the situation rather than accepting that you were a victim. If you want to talk about what happened this is the crisis clinic I was seen in after I was assaulted by someone I knew when I was too drunk (possibly drugged) to know what was happening. The Havens

JAPAB · 31/01/2016 11:05

Then it follows that every time you do something that hurts someone else you are 'guilty'?

No, that will depend on the situation, the reasons, the justifications, mitigating circumstances etc. Clonk a home intruder and most people would judge you to be neither guilty nor wrong.

Just making the observation that I can't think of anyother example of significant harm/trauma where a person who has had a large and direct input into it is considered by so many to be off any moral hook because they made no prior promises etc. Though there might be considered to be other reasons to judge them not wrong, depending on a specific set of circumstances, as I say above.

Narp · 31/01/2016 12:09

I agree JonestheSteam (great name)

I make no promises not to distress a stranger on the street by insulting them (without provocation), but as a moral person I choose not to take that action.

stumblymonkey · 31/01/2016 12:25

Personally, I think it takes a very special type of self-entitled, selfish 'my-happiness-is-all-that-matters' type of person who can look back at how their actions may have hurt a complete stranger and think so what, I didn't know them so don't care if I caused them pain.^^
^
^
Like I said in a previous post....life isn't black and white.

I've never cheated on anyone myself and never would, I help other people in lots of ways (I run a mental health support group, I volunteer for charity on a weekly basis, I'm the godmother to several children because I support my friends a lot,etc).

You can't reasonably judge a person on one snippet of information about one aspect of their life several years ago.

I know a lot of people like to categorise and pigeon hole but in reality life and people aren't that straightforward.