Why would anyone become the OW?

[StillAgainstTheWind]

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

donors - that's kind of an icky way of looking at it, don't you think? Your marriage vows don't mean you own another person, mind and body.

I'd hate to think my husband was with me because he was contractually bound, whether he actually loved me or not. And the thought of being trapped in a dead relationship because I signed a financial contract genuinely makes me feel dirty.

Nobody wants to trap someone in a dead marriage, but it's funny how mm generally realise that their marriages weren't that dead after all once their affair is discovered.

It's almost like they were bullshitting the ow, and maybe even themselves, to get what they want.

The percentage of unfaithful men who leave their marriages is tiny, and is generally because they've been left with no choice.

The percentage who go on to form a successful long-term relationship with the ow is even smaller, yet another reason why anyone in the role of ow needs their head testing.

Songbird. What are the chances they will stay together? I threw him out as soon as I knew but I think he was already going. They both know each other to be liars and cheats. She's 15 years younger no kids he has 2 (not mine thank god).
There are a few ow on this thread claiming to be in happy trusting relationships with someone else's husband. I hope my ow never ends up being one of them. Bitter? Me? Yes I am actually. Funny that.

Songbird16 - apparently 20% according to some study I read. I'm not particularly arguing that. I was just hugely squicked out by the "marriage is a financial contract. If someone helps someone break that contract, it's fraud". It sounded pretty gross.

It isn't icky or trapping someone in a dead marriage. People are always free to divorce and hence sever their responsibilities to their spouse. But to have an ongoing commitment to someone outside the marriage while the spouse is unaware and is making possibly irreversible financial decisions re career etc is fraud. It puts the innocent spouse at a real financial disadvantage.

Never thought about it that way, dimot, but you do have a point. Couples often live in a place not ideal for either, but the best compromise, one might give up work, save in a common pot, decide for another baby one wants more than the other, decide for or against a PhD... all decisions that would be different if one partner knew the other is building up a back-up marriage elsewhere.

dimots, sorry

dimots I agree my ex left for ow 4 weeks ago! I went on maternity leave early as he was applying to the police so i could look after our son whilst he trained and studied. I also gave up a different position in my work because we agreed we wanted another baby only for me to find out he only agreed to make me feel like he loved me! I am now left on smp, no home as I couldn't afford the mortgage on my own and a 2 year old and baby in 3 weeks to try and provide for including buying all the new pram and stuff whilst he is away with his ow dictating to me when he sees our children! I had no idea about the ow till the day he left me!

And before anyone says it - yes I know it isn't classed as the criminal offence of fraud. But morally I think they are the same. There are many women on this forum who have had children and become SaHM unknowing that their husband is in a relationship with OW. When it all comes out they have lost a lot of financial security.

Sympathy to you hurtandconfused.

Jilly, I don't fancy their odds of staying together.

I've read the same statistic as tabsicle, saying that 80% of unfaithful men ultimately stay with their wives.

Of the 20% that leave, their long-term prospects are dire.

Jan Halper's study of over 4000 such relationships show that about 3% result in marriage.

Over 50% of first marriages succeed, 33% of second marriages succeed, but only 20% of marriages arising from an affair succeed.

So these are the people who really did think they were soul mates. The mm was in the 20% who actually left their wife (or was thrown out). They got through the separation and divorce, they loved each other enough to actually get as far as marriage, they basically survived the whole ordeal and lived the dream, only to have an 80% likelihood of failure.

So of 100 men having affairs, 20 will leave their wives, 0.6 will get as far as marriage, 0.12 will survive (though no statistics on the quality of those marriages).

Even if every single man who leaves his wife ends up marrying his mistress, only 4 of them will endure.

Yet another reason why bring the ow makes you an absolute chump.

Songbird I think I saw the same figures quoted.

Hurt thats awful. Its not like you can just gather yourself together and go out and get a job as soon as what with a new baby an' all.

I have to say that I made all sorts of stupid compromises that I thought were for the family unit, and that I never would have made if I felt it even 10% possible this would have happened to me.

Songbird I think I saw the same figures quoted.

Hurt thats awful. Its not like you can just gather yourself together and go out and get a job as soon as what with a new baby an' all.

I have to say that I made all sorts of stupid compromises that I thought were for the family unit, and that I never would have made if I felt it even 10% possible this would have happened to me.

Thank you songbird. I know deep down it will never work out and I hope he regrets betraying and hurting a good honest loyal woman. He's left me for a cheat who knows he's a cheat and a liar. It's only been a few weeks so right now it will be romantic and exciting still but life is life and I can't work out what she wants with a 15 years older than her man with a load of baggage and nothing to his name not even any friends.
Although I'm a way I hope they stay together because they deserve each other and while they're together they can't hurt other normal honest people like me and her ex.

hurtandconfused

I went on maternity leave early as he was applying to the police

Oh Great, just what we need a Policeman with no moral compass at all :-(

I just feel sorry for all those OW who genuinely feel/know that their bf's, partners, DH's whatever would NEVER cheat on them when that is exactly how they got together with them in the first place! You can never change or forget that. I think that is the biggest naivety of all despite how many wives have said they thought exactly the same of those very same men.

I also agree with the OP's statement - 'And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way'. Exactly that, when you know there is a wife/children, there are no real feelings of love for OW/OM in the beginning. 'But, I looovve him' - isn't an excuse - so I think in these circumstances, 'Why would anyone be an OW?' it's because this type of 'OW' really just doesn't give a shit! And.. I don't buy the low self esteem either, I've been there and would NEVER be an OW!

And... Stumbly - comparing an affair/destruction of a marriage/family to being unsuccessful in a promotion/job interview is just downright insulting and disgusting and possibly one of the most stupid things I have ever read!

Oh.. and my 'OW' really really didn't give a shit about anyone. She didn't give a shit about me and my family or even her own! She sadistically took pleasure in the fact when she sat facing me over the years, watching my DS play, knowing exactly what she was doing with my EXDP and in front of her own DH and DC's too.

So I've been following the thread...and mulling over what some of you have said and questioning my motives, stance, etc.

The conclusion I've come to is that many of you are correct. I don't care about people I don't know.

I care deeply about people I do know and am supportive, empathetic, give a lot of my time and energy. Never break my commitments to them or break their trust and am deeply loyal.

This means I can't be a sociopath (I have wondered myself at times but have been able to rule it out for sure).

But...no...I don't care too much about people I don't know. I suspect this isn't that unusual to be honest...it would be interesting to know what the split is in the population between those that do and do not care about people they don't know.

Might research to see...

The reason I don't think it's that unusual (like 50% of the population?) is that no-one would buy non-fair trade items or shop in places that have been proven to use child labour if that was the case...and lots of people do.

Just to add...even the slightest contact with someone will mean I will help them for example I help a homeless man I pass on the way through the tube frequently, if I see someone in trouble I always step in....it's just people I have no direct contact with.

What I find interesting about all this is nobody is discussing if OM have morals or values. It's just taken as granted that men don't feel guilt and women are the ones who should? I know of two couple friends who cheated (wife of one, husband of other) and the wife was shunned. Lost all her friends. Repaired her marriage just. But the husband? His mates just shrugged it off and life went on as before. He wasn't Wasnt expected to pay for the emotional guilt of it all in the same way.

I know I asked MM once (when he was the OM too) if he felt guilty about my husband. This was at a time when I could barely sleep for my guilt about my family and his. He looked utterly blank. Finally he asked me why on earth I would think he would feel guilty. Their minds work very differently to ours.

And that's what OW don't grasp. That they do not behave in the same way or feel the guilt. It doesn't sound like any of the men on here who have cheated actually accepted their part in what they had done. And I expect eventually if you are an OW for a long time then you take that attitude too. It's all pretty messed up.

What I find interesting about all this is nobody is discussing if OM have morals or values. It's just taken as granted that men don't feel guilt and women are the ones who should?

I think there differing societal attitudes in general, but personally I don't differentiate.

My father was named as ... corespondent (?) on the OW/now wife's divorce. I know my father was really uncomfortable about that. But not as uncomfortable as me. Huge waves of shame, and we cried for the man whose heart my father actively participated in breaking.

Couldn't bloody win no matter which side of coin we turned over, shame at being not I protect enough for our father to prioritise over his wants. Shame of being the product of man who would cuckold one of his men, lower down in the ranks.

I have examined and felt so many emotions since Sunday. They are like a kaleidoscope, whirling and changing just as I think I am getting an idea of how I feel. But shame is ever present. For what not being enough to stop whathe did to us and for what he did to him.

There is a line in "Because of you" that resonates through me like a physical pain.

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

My life is not empty. But I know what she means on one level. The shame has hollowed out the place inside of me, where I was once proud of who I came from.

My ex-h felt exactly zero guilt. Nothing. Didn't give a flying fuck and still doesn't.

My husband appears to feel genuine guilt whenever a direct consequence of his actions are right in his face.
However, he seems to be able to minimise, pop it in a mental box and forget about it as soon as the moment has passed.

He has not abandoned us, he is still a huge part of the kids lives, he is providing for us all over and above what he 'has' to, but he is certainly very far from crippled with guilt and shame.

So how do OM justify it morally then? Because quite often both partners are married.

Bunny, I would like to say you're lucky in that respect, but you know that is not what I mean. My ex-h has abandoned us entirely, he even stopped paying the mortgage stating that he didn't see why he should pay it for "these people". These people? His wife of 14 years, his DSD and his own DS. He doesn't give a shit about us, he loves to play the "doting daddy" but it's all smoke and mirrors so he looks like the good guy. He is actually rotten to the core. The only thing that astounds me is his appearance. He has aged at least 10 years, is hugely overweight, drinks heavily, looks dirty and greasy (that is far from just my opinion). He is nothing like the man he used to be. So maybe it's taken its' toll in some ways. I am embarrassed that people know I was married to him. I sincerely hope that this all turns out to be "worth it" .