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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Suspect husband cheating with work colleague

110 replies

MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 05:49

I have suspected for a while now that dh has been having an emotional or even actual affair with someone from work. There have been various texts and things that I've seen that have made me come to this conclusion

I've confronted him about it and he denies it and plays it down.

Tonight he has been out on a work night out and sent her a message saying 'gutted......again!!!! But those are ur terms' know this in itself could relate to anything but coupled with others texts it just seems well not good.

I know it's very early/late but if anyone is out there what do u think?

TIA x

OP posts:
Dutch72 · 23/01/2016 09:51

What type of mobile phone does he have? There are was you can track his movements with out him knowing...

mrsfleming32 · 23/01/2016 09:55

Keep us posted. We are all here for you

Itisbetternow · 23/01/2016 10:07

The issue here too is that you are already suspicious and your gut feeling tells you something is wrong. My STBxh denied having an affair for 2 months - no evidence did me but things were just not right. Never ever checked phones. Then I found a hidden phone in his jacket with a message from OW saying lovely to see you even if it was only a short time.
That was it I blew and asked him to leave. I like you wasn't playing second best. She was also single and 20 years younger and no kids - I couldn't and wouldn't compete! Hugs

Expatmomma · 23/01/2016 10:09

I was in your position a few years ago and decided to say nothing, gather evidence and get my ducks in a row.

I knew he would deny, deny, deny and blame me so I wanted concrete evidence.

I bought a voice activated voice recorder.... Placed it in the pocket on the back of the passenger seat and left it for 24 hours then retrieved it.

When listening to it it clearly picked up him speaking to ow. He then picked her up and drove her to her place and from their conversation it was clear what was going on.

I also placed a GPS tracker in his car.... It showed how long he was spending at her address when he should have been working.

I never used the evidence in court but did use it as leverage.

Also it let me know that when he tried to deny he was simply lying.

He had a history of being emotionally and physical abusive.
That evidence gave me the courage and proof I needed to divorce him.

We are have been divorced for over 5 years now and I have a new DP for 3 years. He treats me with total respect and love.

How much evidence you want to obtain is up to you... I needed to know & the knowledge set me free.

I wish you courage and strength for the coming days and weeks.

Original poster
MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 11:21

Dutch he has an iPhone

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 11:24

Itsbetternow once I can see if and what she has text back then that's when I will confront him and will probably go ballistic. Ur right in what u say though I won't be competing for him and I won't be doing any pick me dance

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/01/2016 11:27

I think the fact that you are checking his phone kind of says a lot about the state of your relationship.

You may never know the full story if there is one but it sounds like the trust has gone and I don't think a relationship can continue when that happens.

But then I'm coming from the point of view that I would leave someone for going through my phone as it's an invasion of privacy so feel free to ignore!

Original poster
MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 11:29

Expatmomma I'm pleased u have now found happiness with new dp.

I know that whatever I find I'm not going to be happy about it for sure so until I know the full story I'm not sure what I will do. So ur right I need to find as much as I can and then I suppose it will really sink what kind of person he is

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 11:32

Liviadrisilla ur probably right in that the trust has gone but I need to know whether I'm right or not. I hope to god that I am wrong but if I'm not then he has been lying to me for a long time and I think that's what will really put the nail in the coffin so to speak.

With regards to checking phones I couldn't care less if anyone looked in my phone as I have nothing to hide but I appreciate that some people would find it an invasion of their privacy. I just think husband and wife shouldn't any secrets

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/01/2016 11:46

I don't have anything to hide either but it's the principle. I think everyone is entitled to privacy at whatever level they deem appropriate (obviously that doesn't entitle them to have an affair, just not to have another person snoop through their stuff).

Also men who go through phones are often called controlling.

I'm not saying you are controlling, and you may indeed be right that he is having an affair on some level - just that even if there was an innocent explanation, there's a reason you don't trust him, and all the evidence in the world wouldn't magically repair that.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/01/2016 11:53

And fwiw I would interpret that message as she had said no because he was married but if he was single she would - even if she had had affairs with married men before, she may have decided not to do so any more (I know people who have done this as they were bored of coming second best to wife etc).

Original poster
MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 12:10

Liviadrissila I have known my husband from being 14 years old and in that time we have both gone through horrendous and brilliant times together and have always been there for each other and had each others backs. I don't know anything or anyone else other than him and if I am wrong for checking his phone because I think he might be having an affair or beginning to stray then f&@k it I'm wrong. I don't really care because I think I deserve the respect after all this time and 2kids later to not be lied to and I believe that he has lied about the situation so there is no other to find out he truth. I will not be taken for a fool by anyone

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/01/2016 12:24

Okay setting aside the phone point - you have a reason not to trust him.

You may never get the absolute truth - is there a situation that you can imagine where that trust would ever be repaired?

Original poster
MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 12:27

I'm not really sure to be honest. I suppose it depends upon the circumstances and how far things have gone really

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IreallyKNOWiamright · 23/01/2016 12:44

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. when you have been in a relationship for so long, you know your dh's behaviour and motives and I think you should listen to your gut instinct, it's always right.
From my own experience I would not confront the lady. I have done this a couple of times, and it's given them more opportunity to carry on with their bad behaviour because now they know about my insecurities and think I am a jealous wife. I think its better to deal with your dh and then go from there. I really hope you find the truth xx

Original poster
MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 12:58

Ireallyknow thank u for the advice. Obviously I haven't been in this situation before and I think the anger must have gotten to me when I posted that. I definitely don't want to give her any power over me x x

OP posts:
RivieraKid · 23/01/2016 13:10

she has already slept with other colleagues who are married and have kids

Nice, she sounds like a real peach.

Dutch72 · 23/01/2016 13:21

MrsP23... If he has an iPhone go to ...settings...privacy...location services on...system services...frequent locations on... ( and then look at the history). If his locations services are always switched 'on' it will record any places that he frequents often. That way you can see if he's going anywhere he shouldn't, without 'pinging' his phone. This might help?

I hope he hasn't lied and been deceitful to you. I had the same with my ex... Found text messages etc... Found out he'd been leading another 'life' and then eventuall found out ( a week before I had a major operation...and he then walked out on me and my three kids...) that he'd been seeing a work colleague. She too slept with married men who had kids!

I know it's hard....try to gather as much evidence as you can. Make a note of her mobile number. Then google the mobile number....try and see if you can find out what network it's on etc, and perhaps an address linked to it.

Original poster
MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 13:43

Rivierakid - oh she sure is!seems at the moment there are 2/3 people she is messing about with (not including my dh) and they are all married with kids

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 13:47

Thanks Dutch for the advice I will see what I can do.

I'm sorry that happened to you I hope you have moved on from it and can now be happy x

OP posts:
Dutch72 · 23/01/2016 18:29

MrsP23... Well still moving on....its been 10 months.... Lots have gone on in such a short space of time. I'm finally realising that I deserve to be treated better. I'm a single mum, never thought I could do it... I've three amazing kids age 7,9 and 11. We laugh together, cry together, have fun, love each other....and as a family of four now....we're adjusting to our new life.

I've recently been awarded custody in court. My three didn't want to be 'suitcase kids' and be forced to accept his new partner, ( who within 10 months he's married!!! And yes...he hasn't even told the kids...I had to 😔
What a coward... ...and her two kids from different marriages... ( her third marriage, and my ex's! ) she too, slept about.

Just the finances left to fight for. At the end of the day, it's his loss, and my gain. As a family of four, we're stronger than ever. The sad thing, is that apart from hurting me, he's hurt our three children terribly. He's going to have to rebuild his relationship with them somehow.

Reading your post just brought back everything that was the catalyst for me.... I really hope that the text you've seen is just something and nothing xxx

What ever the outcome....looks like you've got a good thread, and there are women on here who'll be your online friend and support you through everything you're going through xxx

PitPatKitKat · 23/01/2016 19:22

Hello MrsP23. How's your day been?

Think the fact that you've seen a shift in his behaviour/demeanour is what led you to check the phone rather than a need to breach his privacy. Agree with PP that confronting him not her is the best way to go. Get enough together to have firm case and give you focus and take it from there.

Sorry you are having to go through this and hope today has not been too distressing for you Flowers Brew Cake

Original poster
MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 19:25

I sound like a really great mam Dutch as well as a strong woman!Ur kids are the age where they kinda know what's going on and they aren't daft they know where they are best off.

Your right I'm so very grateful for the support I have received here so far. Thank u so much ladies x x x

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Original poster
MrsP23 · 23/01/2016 19:26

That should be you sound like a...... Sorry brains a little bit fried after today x x

OP posts:
Dutch72 · 23/01/2016 19:51

Bless you! Thank you xxx well, you've had a very stressful day! Make sure you get a lie in tomorrow morning...and let him get up with the kids 😉 Xx you've been through enough stress and worrying. Stay calm and focused. Concentrate on you and your kids. I hope you have a better day tomorrow X