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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need a woman’s perspective!

149 replies

jordan2016 · 21/01/2016 23:55

Sorry for crashing this site, I really need advice on what I can do to improve the relationship with my wife before it dies a horrible death.

We have been married for 10 years and we have three beautiful children. We are both 33 and in the past year our sex life is pretty much dead. Before this we had a great sex life

My wife is just not interested and shows very little affection. I work really hard, I have a decent wage 72K, she has never worked since being married and I bought her, her dream house by taking on extra work projects to secure the mortgage.

I stay fit and healthy, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and I make time for the family whilst juggling a heavy workload. I help around the house with cleaning.

My wife is a brilliant mum, I complement her on this because she really puts the children first in every thing, I don’t resent this but I just wish I had some of that attention. I have spoken to her about this on many occasions and she agreed with me yet nothing has changed.

She has become clinically obese and hides away in hoody’s, I can’t remember the last time she put some make up on or fixed her hair. She drinks an unhealthy amount of fizzy drinks and chocolate.

I say these things not to be mean, they just concern me, I have gently tried to encourage her to change her lifestyle, build up her self-esteem, but again she agrees but hasn’t done anything about it.

I travel a lot with work and I have literally had several opportunities/offers by younger attractive females, but I have never cheated on her.

My friend just got divorced and he and his wife are very happy, I feel sick of the thought of breaking up my family, but I feel we are pretty much lodgers not lovers.

Things I have tried:
Awkwardly spoke to her mum for two hours on the phone for advice.
Spoken candidly with her about the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
Looked into depression, “She doesn’t seem unhappy or depressed, I would say she’s content.
Buying her gifts/flowers
Arranging breaks away / spa sessions

I know she would be crushed if I left, but I feel alone in trying to salvage our marriage.

What am I doing wrong?

OP posts:

CauliflowerBalti · 22/01/2016 22:18

I think he maybe posted his salary to indicate that his wife didn't need to work. I imagine it's a source of pride. I'd be proud to be able to support my family in that way too. Nothing wrong with that.

I also wonder what would happen if the OP was a full-time working mother who does the school run both ends, earns enough to allow her husband not to work, works mostly from home so sees plenty of the kids and her husband, goes to the gym 5 times a week to try and look nice for him - yet there's no affection from him. He doesn't want sex, has put on loads of weight, wears his trackies all the time, goes out with his mates when he wants to. I suspect she would get sympathy, praise for trying, and encouraged to talk to her husband about depression.

She may also be advised to leave him as he taking her for granted.

I'm not convinced she'd have got the full MN experience the OP did.

Lweji · 22/01/2016 22:26

As someone who earned way more than exH I wouldn't have mentioned my salary on a thread about lack of intimacy. Simply wouldn't see the relevance.

But maybe that's only my personal female perspective.

Or that my efforts had led to purchasing a house (actually the house he wanted, not me), ignoring his contribution towards taking care of the children and the house.

Lweji · 22/01/2016 22:28

CauliflowerBalti

Your scenario is not the same as the opening post.
You missed the part, for example, where she'd be such a great person for not cheating too.

mum2mum99 · 22/01/2016 22:35

Lweji if you were living with himyou would have to do:

all the childcare
nearly all the housework
be on your own
if you'd ever happen to be horny he'd be at the gym anyway, so no point even trying.

Is this your relationship standard?

CauliflowerBalti · 22/01/2016 22:42

Lweji - you're expecting him to think and write and behave like a woman. He came here because he can't and so wanted our perspective. It's a depressing fact that many men who were offered no strings sex in his scenario would take it. I think he's demonstrating his commitment to his wife when he says this, in a very male way. I do hate generalisations but I think it's maybe true that men like to be praised for their achievements. My partner proudly pointed out that he'd wiped the hob the other night. I solemnly awarded him a sticker.

Anyway. How about everyone goes back to his posts and assumes the best of him, not the worst? That he's genuinely confused, he's given her everything he thought she wanted, the house, the kids, the lifestyle and the freedom, and she still doesn't seem to be happy, still doesn't seem to feel affection or desire for him. The poor bloke is trying.

Lweji · 22/01/2016 22:52

you're expecting him to think and write and behave like a woman.
Yet many other men are quite capable of writing quite different opening posts.

His update was quite different from the OP. And that's what people responded to initially. Although mostly with loads of questions.

Regardless, the slating accusations started immediately. almost as if that was what was hoped for

Waltermittythesequel · 22/01/2016 23:08

Fuck sake.

Praise for their achievements? Wiping down the hob?

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

HelenaDove · 22/01/2016 23:11

Cauliflower i disagree I think the woman blamers on here (of which there are a few) would say that as a mother she was not spending enough time with her children and is being selfish going to the gym all the time.

RealityCheque · 22/01/2016 23:47

She sounds lazy and unappreciative. LTB.

HelenaDove · 23/01/2016 00:03

...yep. Chucking out time.

1WayOrAnother · 23/01/2016 00:50

Wow, what a shit storm, talk about getting off the point.

OP it seems there has been some rather negative interpretations of your post. I think what you can take as an overview us that it might be best to listen to your wife, try to understand her experiences and to listen to what her ideas of what would be helpful are rather than trying to offer solutions that have come out of leftfield.

Good luck.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 23/01/2016 07:38

Did the poor Op never come back?!

Holowiwi · 23/01/2016 10:03

He came back on the second page thanked people who had been giving constructive advice but ultimately it was a mistake to post on this site and so decided to leave.

HelenaDove · 23/01/2016 14:31

Because he didnt hear what he wanted to hear.

LaPharisienne · 23/01/2016 16:10

What JazzFace said (great name btw).

Sometimes I despair!

Lweji · 23/01/2016 16:15

Sometimes I despair!

Me too.

spudlike1 · 23/01/2016 17:16

When do you actually spend time together. It sounds like you lead two very different lives .

LaPharisienne · 23/01/2016 17:54

Errrr...

Lweji · 23/01/2016 20:36

Oh, you didn't get that pps like you make me despair? It works both ways. :)

smallfry16 · 23/01/2016 21:24

yes OP you deserve to be intimate with younger attractive women. It's all about you isn't it. Why don't you leave before you have cake and eat.

BertPuttocks · 23/01/2016 21:36

So I'm guessing the OP won't be back to explain how:

"I work from home, My wife has more leisure time during the day and often leaves the little one with me to go out. I actually do both school runs every day"

fits in with:

"I travel a lot with work and I have literally had several opportunities/offers by younger attractive females"?

HelenaDove · 24/01/2016 00:07

Well spotted Bert.

LaPharisienne · 25/01/2016 14:45

My despair wasn't directed at anyone in particular and I'm not taking issue with people's opinions of the OP's post, which people are entitled to and I can't disagree with because I don't know the OP/ his family.

I despair because this is supposed to be a relationships board where people can come with their problems for advice/ support. Instead, people have passed opinion (unasked for) but haven't provided any advice/ support or have advised, but only having made their disapproval/ opinion clear.

If someone asks me for help, I give it. I might have my own opinion about why they need the help, which might inform the help I offer, but I wouldn't criticise someone else's life/ life choices particularly not when I don't know them or the people involved. Jazzface made the same point in a funnier and more concise way.

1DAD2KIDS · 25/01/2016 19:16

Jesus! He really walked into the Lions den. I am not disagreeing with some of the points. A good thing too because I don't want to be on the wrong side of some of you on here. I definitely think this guys should re address some of his priorities. But at least he are trying to address the problems with his relationship. Despite what he may be doing wrong he is asking for help and maybe some of us could be a bit more sympathetic and explain our views in a less aggressive way?

Maybe my take is a bit simplistic. But the current situation on the whole seems to be working out for you but obviously not your wife as she is unhappy. So a few gifts, trips away etc are making a change to the day to day situation. If the current situation isn't working for both of you it needs to change or eventually it will break beyond repair. So if you want to save things you need to get to bottom of why she is unhappy with the current situation and be prepared to make what ever changes are needed to create a better life style that better balances both of your needs. If of course you are not willing to change then of course the prognosis looks bad. Likewise if she has already got to the stage where she has already lost her self and/or already has emotionally checked out it may be too late.

If your still out there best wishes and good luck/

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