I need a woman’s perspective!

[jordan2016]

Sorry for crashing this site, I really need advice on what I can do to improve the relationship with my wife before it dies a horrible death.

We have been married for 10 years and we have three beautiful children. We are both 33 and in the past year our sex life is pretty much dead. Before this we had a great sex life

My wife is just not interested and shows very little affection. I work really hard, I have a decent wage 72K, she has never worked since being married and I bought her, her dream house by taking on extra work projects to secure the mortgage.

I stay fit and healthy, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and I make time for the family whilst juggling a heavy workload. I help around the house with cleaning.

My wife is a brilliant mum, I complement her on this because she really puts the children first in every thing, I don’t resent this but I just wish I had some of that attention. I have spoken to her about this on many occasions and she agreed with me yet nothing has changed.

She has become clinically obese and hides away in hoody’s, I can’t remember the last time she put some make up on or fixed her hair. She drinks an unhealthy amount of fizzy drinks and chocolate.

I say these things not to be mean, they just concern me, I have gently tried to encourage her to change her lifestyle, build up her self-esteem, but again she agrees but hasn’t done anything about it.

I travel a lot with work and I have literally had several opportunities/offers by younger attractive females, but I have never cheated on her.

My friend just got divorced and he and his wife are very happy, I feel sick of the thought of breaking up my family, but I feel we are pretty much lodgers not lovers.

Things I have tried:
Awkwardly spoke to her mum for two hours on the phone for advice.
Spoken candidly with her about the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
Looked into depression, “She doesn’t seem unhappy or depressed, I would say she’s content.
Buying her gifts/flowers
Arranging breaks away / spa sessions

I know she would be crushed if I left, but I feel alone in trying to salvage our marriage.

What am I doing wrong?

I mean, I know we are
I think I might be a little

Time for some I think

He fucks off out at 10pm and then blames his partner for not wanting sex with him. It sounds to me like he is setting it up to be her fault when he leaves.

Wouldn't it be interesting if his wife also posted about HER problem re her marriage on here....and then recognised her husband from his OP? wonder if that's ever happened?!
Not beyond the realms of possibility though....

Where has be blamed his partner for not wanting sex with him Helena?
Where has he stated he does the school runs 'for his DW' Walter?
He was asked questions about what else he does to help out..... he answered the question stating what else he does and then gets slated again because you don't like the 'tone'

He was asked when his DW gets time to herself, he answers the question that she goes out in the evening and has daytime to herself..... but nobody responds to that unless I missed it.

Might not be a bad thing Moomin

Sorry..... misread comment OP made about DW going out in evening

Super its not helping out. Its cleaning up and parenting just like it his when his DW does it.

Funny how its not phrased as "helping out" when its the woman doing it.

Talk about taking nit picking to a while new level FFS
He is now being slated because of his choice of words........
Seriously...... this is ridiculous.
How do you divvy up childcare and housework in your house Helena

People...seriously?

Yes...... you are right maybe
I'm done with this thread.
Such a shame someone has not been able to come on here clearly really worried abut his marriage and wanting advice without getting a shoeing from the usual bunch of pedantic nasties. Complaining about the tone the OP used to explain that he did the school run.... beyond petty and infantile.

I did say in a previous post that i dont have a DC.

I do however have a husband with ischemic heart disease COPD and arthritis who is 23 years my senior who does what hes capable of doing and doesnt see it as "helping out" We dont divvy up as such. But if either of us see something that needs doing we just do it That goes for both of us. And i have NEVER had to pick up any of his clothes off the floor in all the 24 years we have been together.

Supermanspants
I didn't miss the point that you're good at complaining and misrepresenting instead of helping.
You're mostly accusing women here of slating the op, but you have chosen to slate pps here instead of addressing the question the op asked.

Your point is that men always get slated and men can't post here. Yet, if you look at how the OPs are phrased and respond to questions and other pps, the slating between men and women is the same.
As Helena has shown, different types of initial posts by men get the type of answers that women also get when posting similar OPs. And if you look you'll find that women with similar style OPs as in this thread get similar types of probing questions and what you call slating.

Btw, you haven't been long or around much on MN if you call this slating.
This is tame.
Which makes me wonder how qualified you are to make those sweeping statements about how people post.
Unless you're more interested in creating an argument instead of addressing the op's situation.

How we use words reflects how we think.

"Helping out" means it's the other person's responsibility. People pick up on it here because it reinforces sexism. It's always used in relation to men and how good they are for doing more than expected of them, when it was actually all the woman's responsibility.

It takes an adult to listen to what others say and to be wiling to learn from others, or politely disagree, instead of calling them childish or infantile or pedantic.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but wanted to say OP I think what you earn is important as it allows your wife to be a SAHM. I'm guessing that as a couple you decided together that she would be a SAHM and that she wanted to be a SAHM as it wasn't an option for her to be the sole financial support for a family of five because she didn't earn enough to do it.

FWIW, I earn enough to be able to work part time, and be financially independent. Yes it's hard work on my lovely days at home with my children but I find work far more stressful than looking after my kids and you can't be sacked or made redundant being a SAHM and if you don't do the cleaning or washes etc, there aren't any repercussions whereas you do actually have to deliver at work . You've got sole financial responsibility for supporting a family of five and so I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all.

I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all.

What expectations exactly? Sex? That she loses weight, wears make up and fixes her hair?

Not many women would jump at the chance of being a sahm. Maybe she did.
But many others don't "get to" do it.
I'd rather work than have three children to take care of the whole day.

Cliff notes;
Man comes on MN for advice regarding relationship with his wife, her weight and lack of sex.

Some women in hoodies eating crisps sitting on the sofa hammer into him saying it must be all his fault.

Superman that actually wasn't what I was alluding to.

Jazzface1
Are you saying we are all his wife sockpuppeteering?
could be

Jazzface1 LOL at the visual!!

Aaahh the usual Grande Finale of another thread descending into bickering and getting-the-last-word-in-ness....

Bet the OP is shaking his head thinking ¨WTF just happened¨!!?

See what you started jordan? And all because you had a personality! And as long as people have one of those, they´re gonna inevitably clash with some bugger on here!

Lweji
Just helping anyone that hadn't read the whole thread.

I'll make sure I wear my Channel and put on some make up next time I dare to post anything that disagrees with what a man says. Or challenge a male OP.
I may even go first to the hairdresser.
hides hoodies

BTW, you shouldn't ask for a female perspective if you're not prepared for it.
It's unrealistic to think that everyone would go:
Oh poor you, what a selfish bitch not giving you enough sex and getting fat when you're earning £72K (I did like the detail of the 2), gave her her dream house (for you and the children to live in too), keep fit and turn down offers to cheat. You're a saint and you should tell her to lose the weight and put out.

OP,

As you've seen some women dislike the way you've phrased certain things. Others don't see the phrasing as the problem and see you asking for help. None of us know whether you do view the odd bit of hoovering as 'helping out' in the sense that you've done one of your wife's tasks for her, or whether you phrase it that way to acknowledge that you don't do an equal proportion of the housework but do do some. Even if that is the case, we can't know whether that's fair or not because we don't honestly know the number of hours each of you is working in a day.

FWIW, I sit with cauliflower's interpretation of your post but perhaps some self reflection is necessary; could your wife be feeling (whether in your eyes justifiably so or not) the same way as some posters here? I wouldn't expect you to come back and reveal the results of that self reflection as I do think you've been treated badly by a couple of posters but that's fine, it never hurts to examine our behaviour afresh.

There was a period when my partner was at home trying to get a business off the ground and I was working all hours possible to keep us afloat financially (I got paid overtime). We both felt resentful in some ways, I hated that I had to get up early and leave my nice warm bed on a freezing cold morning and traipse off to work. One day a week I worked a particularly long day a week. I'll admit I did feel that if I was working so hard to keep us going my partner ought to be too so I did used to get arsey when I'd come home and he'd be sat on the sofa. Equally, he felt resentful of me getting away from the housework cycle on top of the work he was doing, envious of outside interaction and frustrated that I seemed to want to dictate his exact working hours to be the same as mine. We were both partly right and partly wrong.

There is certainly a chance that despite your best intentions there is something you're doing 'wrong' but that doesn't make her completely right. Even if you are 'helping out' in the negative way some posters have ascribed to you, your wife has refused to engage in discussions which is wrong too.

As for the ongoing discussions about flaming, I agree that women posters get flamed too. I don't object to the flaming based on content, whether I agree with it or not, but there are/were posts generalising about men and flaming him, to my mind, because he was a man, not because of what he'd said, if that distinction is clear. I'm rambling because it's been a long day but hopefully that kind of makes sense.

I think the Op's situation is indeed very common. He came on here and expressed what I'm sure many men think or feel.
There were some very useful advice amongst the slating he got( yes the 72k bit was a little odd, but some people are proud of what they earn).
As with the issue in most relationships there is an underlying lack of communication that over time compounds problems.

Btw lweji don't dress up on anyone's account!
If you want to let yourself go that should be your choice

Go where?
I certainly don't need anyone else's permission to go anywhere. Only mine.