I need a woman’s perspective!

[jordan2016]

Sorry for crashing this site, I really need advice on what I can do to improve the relationship with my wife before it dies a horrible death.

We have been married for 10 years and we have three beautiful children. We are both 33 and in the past year our sex life is pretty much dead. Before this we had a great sex life

My wife is just not interested and shows very little affection. I work really hard, I have a decent wage 72K, she has never worked since being married and I bought her, her dream house by taking on extra work projects to secure the mortgage.

I stay fit and healthy, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and I make time for the family whilst juggling a heavy workload. I help around the house with cleaning.

My wife is a brilliant mum, I complement her on this because she really puts the children first in every thing, I don’t resent this but I just wish I had some of that attention. I have spoken to her about this on many occasions and she agreed with me yet nothing has changed.

She has become clinically obese and hides away in hoody’s, I can’t remember the last time she put some make up on or fixed her hair. She drinks an unhealthy amount of fizzy drinks and chocolate.

I say these things not to be mean, they just concern me, I have gently tried to encourage her to change her lifestyle, build up her self-esteem, but again she agrees but hasn’t done anything about it.

I travel a lot with work and I have literally had several opportunities/offers by younger attractive females, but I have never cheated on her.

My friend just got divorced and he and his wife are very happy, I feel sick of the thought of breaking up my family, but I feel we are pretty much lodgers not lovers.

Things I have tried:
Awkwardly spoke to her mum for two hours on the phone for advice.
Spoken candidly with her about the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
Looked into depression, “She doesn’t seem unhappy or depressed, I would say she’s content.
Buying her gifts/flowers
Arranging breaks away / spa sessions

I know she would be crushed if I left, but I feel alone in trying to salvage our marriage.

What am I doing wrong?

OP, if you're still reading I can see why you've had a bit of a hard time on here. It could be interpreted as you saying well I earn lots of money and bought a nice house, therefore she owes me sex. Or she's a fat slob and I'm a fit hunk therefore she should be grateful I haven't cheated.

I didn't interpret the comment about you going to the gym though like that, more of a I make lots of effort to look nice so why doesn't she fancy me and why doesn't she want to make an effort. It's difficult to tell how you meant it just through one post.

Anyway, the others have said, correctly IMO, that sex isn't just on the list of her priorities. After doing housework and looking after 3 kids it's just another thing that needs to be ticked off the list, another chore to do. If she hasn't worked for 10 years, and you don't say if she has any hobbies or not, her main identity is probably tied up in being a mum. I'm not a mum but I know from speaking to other women who are that 1.) they're knackered 2.) feeling unappreciated and like a domestic slave does not make them want to have sex with their partners 3.) they'd be more likely to want sex if their partners took on a more equal amount of childcare/housework and didn't view it as "helping" 4.) if they're being touched by kids all day they want their body to themselves/are touched out 5.) their identity is so tied up in being a mum that it's hard to think of themselves as being sexy

If she hasn't had weight problems before, I suspect she probably is depressed. It's all very well going away for spa breaks but if she feels unattractive (another reason for not wanting sex I suspect) it won't make much difference. It sounds like you get a lot of time to yourself, I would suggest she needs more time to herself to do hobbies or things she enjoys.

The lack of affection may be because she's worried that if she goes for a cuddle you're going to pounce on her and try and have sex so you should give affection and make clear that you don't want it to lead to sex but just to connect with each other more. But you may have to consider that her feelings might have changed for you or she doesn't feel as loving towards you as she once did but doesn't want to end the relationship. If you work long hours, work away a lot and are always at the gym where fit women are she probably feels very alone. I agree on cutting back the gym sessions, at least for a little while, and spend more time with her as well as changing your attitude towards housework/childcare and start thinking of it more as both of your responsibilities.

and is a toxic place for a male to talk candidly

Luckily some posters have given you some good advice and food for thought without all the nastiness.
Where the weight issue is concerned, it is VERY hard for someone to lose weight because someone else is telling them they need to. They need to want to do it for themselves. I can understand your concerns as obesity can be life limiting but you may need to approach with sensitivity. Has she thought about SW or WW?

What is your problem Wilde?
Obese sponger...... Really?

Sorry I posted after I saw your second post. Think you might just have to tell her how unhappy you are or maybe ask her how she feels about the relationship first. Don't talk about leaving or anything like that but ask her if she's happy in the relationship, being at home etc. and take it from there.

There are many false assumptions made on what I wrote, perhaps I could have worded it better. I am trying to be constructive, thanks to those who have given me objective advice but on the whole this was a bad idea and is a toxic place for a male to talk candidly.

Yes, you could have worded it better and given more info.

It's certainly not toxic if you are willing to answer questions and put forward a complete picture.
How would you have answered your OP, if it had been posted by anyone else?

Instead of complaining about how men are supposedly treated here (women often get nasty responses too), why not answering the OP directly constructively? Such comments derail the thread more than any other supposedly nasty comments.

Anyway, she could simply be off you, she could be depressed, she could be taking advantage of you. If you focus less on the lack of sex and her weight and try to understand how she is feeling, what she can do about it and how you can help her, you may get somewhere.

(and stop telling people you're such a hero for not cheating on her)

*before I saw your post, not after!

I think what you need to do is step back and think about how to ask her how she's feeling. Without thinking about how it's going to improve your sex life. Just say you've noticed she's a bit distant and you' d like to know if she's happy.

Don't say 'we're not having much sex, why?' because that isn't the root of the problem, just a symptom. You need to make sure she feels absolutely no pressure and that you are asking because you care about her and not because you are worrying about having sex (ie yourself).

I'm not saying you are being selfish, but you really need to just ask her how her days are going, what makes her happy, what would she improve in her day. Maybe she needs to work and be valued in a different role other than as mum/housewife.

LaPharisienne

why do you keep focusing on her weight and how it makes the OP feel?

I haven't even noticed him saying that. That he's concerned, yes. Not that he is unhappy because of it.

"toxic place for a man to talk candidly "men always get a hard time on here" "if it was a woman posting the replies would be different" The usual tropes being trotted out by some which get blown out of the water by the recent thread im going to link in here.

The reason the OP has got a hard time is because of the way he has come across.

HarmlessChap didnt get a hard time because he didnt come across as entitled.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2550448-Feel-like-Im-being-taken-for-a-chump

How old is your youngest child?

Lweji because..

She has become clinically obese and hides away in hoody’s, I can’t remember the last time she put some make up on or fixed her hair. She drinks an unhealthy amount of fizzy drinks and chocolate.

(a) OP said he is concerned by his wife's lifestyle and she agrees it is an issue - weight is a symptom and can be addressed by eating less/better and exercise so I thought about ways I might like my OH to help me lose weight if we were unhappy about it; and

(b) someone who hides away in hoodies and is obese is unlikely to feel attractive or desirable and the first issue the OP raised is lack of affection/ intimacy.

Helena has it.

Quite a few of us have said the same thing: just ask her how she is feeling without mentioning sex or weight or your feelings. This is the advice you need. Just to be clear.

Have to say, OP, there are a few things in your first post which would get a lot of people's backs up.

"I need a woman's perspective" - as I'm sure you've gathered by now, women have lots of different perspectives between them.

"my wife shows little affection" - is it because every time she does, you leap on it as an invitation to sex?

"I make time for the family" - er.... this kind of makes it sound like you think your wife and children are an inconvenience to you, but you do them a really big favour by being there sometimes.

"gym 4 or 5 times a week" There's a lot of women on this site (who knows? your wife might be one of them) who'd kill for the opportunity to have that much time to themselves. And if you go at 10 pm - well that's the time of day when you're probably most likely to get laid. But you're not at home then.

Make some time to talk to her. Not about her weight. Not about the lack of sex. Not about how the kids get all the attention. Not about the fact that you've phoned her mum. (Can you see how, put in a list like that, it might seem to her as though you're complaining about her a bit? a lot?) Just ask her how her day was. Listen to the answer. Ask another question. Watch a film together and ask her what she thought about it. Listen to the answer. Ask her another question.

Does your wife like being a SAHM? When did you last ask her?

Yikes. You don't seem to like your wife at all. Or have much respect for her or what she's done with her life.

She doesn't fancy you. You don't fancy her. Time to call it a day perhaps.

OP, if your wife is in bed by 10 she must be knackered and if you're straight out the door to spend time on yourself at the gym, when exactly do you hope to have sex with her? Help her. Make the whole lot be a joint effort. Earning, chores, seeing to the kids. Then she might feel like you all are a team.

Somewhat x post with itchy

Wow. There is a whole lot of over reacting and nastiness going on here!

If you are still about OP, I think you and your wife need to talk. The focus should be on improving your relationship and her self esteem. Some of those answers will lie with you which means you need to think about your attitude and how you do things so you both have the same amount of free time and spending money ( I know you haven't mentioned that but often the SAHP is left with less spending money). Equally, your wife needs to look at what she can do to improve your relationship. I don't think it's fair or sustainable for anyone to live long term in a relationship without intimacy. The answer lies with you and your wife and probably can't be helped by us . good luck

I am sure it's all been said but what you earn is not the point. She'd still be giving up her opportunities to earn (looking after 3 dc) whether you earned 30k or 72k.

I left my x and although this was only a part of the reason, I did hate that he thought that I wasn't working because I wasn't EARNING. That infuriated me. I was sacrificing a lot, not earning, not saving, not ''developing''.

I don't know what to say about the obesity issue. I couldn't be attracted to a fat man but, if I loved him and he was happy and we were happy it mightn't be the be and end all.

So the kids go to bed then your wife goes to bed and then you go out!?
4-5 times a week? At 10pm at night!
I know what I'd be thinking if I was your wife.
Not that it is justified but it's a bit odd to go out and not go to bed with your wife.
That's when me and my OH have a good chat and read daft stuff to each other we've seen on facebook etc... Or play a bit of solitaire on the ipad.
Sound lame but it's nice time.

I think you've had some harsh comments that were totally unnecessary.
But you've answered and it seems like you need some counselling.
Your wife on her own and both of you together.

You didn't answer my question with regards to finances. Is this all OK?

Interesting, Humourless chap comes across so much better, it's pretty much the same complaint leading them both to post, but HC sounds like a nicer man whether that's fair or not. Sorry OP

Op, I think it's very odd that you specified your wage. It speaks volumes as to what you really value.

Disregarding that though, if you're unhappy you need to tell her. Be honest. Maybe she doesn't realise and it will be the kick up the arse you both need to review the situation and what might happen in the future. She is likely to have a few home truths for you too. I can't believe you go out at 10pm to the gym!

I'm a bit of an obese SAHM whose sex drive is right down the pan at the moment. Let me explain from my point of view so that it may provide some insight.

Since having DD and giving up work (no choice, no relatives close by to help out) my identity has changed enormously. I used to have a career, dress nicely and always took care of my appearance. I felt I was respected in my own right as an intelligent person. My DH earns around the same as you OP, so naturally everyone we speak to now is interested in his job and sees him as an interesting person. As soon as I say I'm a SAHM, I may as well be invisible.

Because it's difficult to get out and go for a walk with a toddler during the day and am too bloody knackered to contemplate the gym at night (which I loathe anyway) I've put on weight. I'm also both stressed and bored in equal measure so I eat too much rubbish as well. Half the time I cba with hair and make up since I'm indoors a lot, don't see anyone and DD doesn't care what I look like.

Loss of identity, not feeling good about yourself and worn out to boot is not conducive to wanting to jump on DH. Add to that that he pisses off out most evenings to run AND every Saturday morning to do park run, it's not like we get much quality time as a couple.

Plus, when we do have sex, it always has to be a marathon event and goes on for ages, and most of the time, I just can't be bothered. If he'd be happy with a quickie more often than not, he might get it a bit more.

jordan Yes I totally agree with your last statement unfortunately. I´ve noticed how if a bloke dare post for some female input on a problem ( usually sex-related ) he receives animosity, negativity and general unhelpful bitchiness from some posters. I´ve no idea why some women are blatent man-haters![confused} It´s really disappointing to read all the jumping to conclusions, twisting of a person´s OP and general vitriol directed at a poster just cos of his gender tbh. Very unfair and I observe this time and again.

I´m not sure if it´s cos there´s been a lot of trolling by so-called men of late and threads started by them that got deleted....but that´s not really an excuse obviously. I hope you can work on resolving your issues within your relationship with your wife though. Good luck

I dont see any nastiness. I see an OP getting some home truths because hes chosen to have a family to compliment his portfolio but without sacrificing anything or his life having to change.

Even if women have a partner willing to do his share the rest of society doesnt back it up. There is a poster on another thread who was actually called into the school to ask why the kids were always late when HER PARTNER was doing the drop offs.

These attitudes and the willingness for some to fall over themselves to justify it are one of the reasons i chose not to have DC.