I need a woman’s perspective!

[jordan2016]

Sorry for crashing this site, I really need advice on what I can do to improve the relationship with my wife before it dies a horrible death.

We have been married for 10 years and we have three beautiful children. We are both 33 and in the past year our sex life is pretty much dead. Before this we had a great sex life

My wife is just not interested and shows very little affection. I work really hard, I have a decent wage 72K, she has never worked since being married and I bought her, her dream house by taking on extra work projects to secure the mortgage.

I stay fit and healthy, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and I make time for the family whilst juggling a heavy workload. I help around the house with cleaning.

My wife is a brilliant mum, I complement her on this because she really puts the children first in every thing, I don’t resent this but I just wish I had some of that attention. I have spoken to her about this on many occasions and she agreed with me yet nothing has changed.

She has become clinically obese and hides away in hoody’s, I can’t remember the last time she put some make up on or fixed her hair. She drinks an unhealthy amount of fizzy drinks and chocolate.

I say these things not to be mean, they just concern me, I have gently tried to encourage her to change her lifestyle, build up her self-esteem, but again she agrees but hasn’t done anything about it.

I travel a lot with work and I have literally had several opportunities/offers by younger attractive females, but I have never cheated on her.

My friend just got divorced and he and his wife are very happy, I feel sick of the thought of breaking up my family, but I feel we are pretty much lodgers not lovers.

Things I have tried:
Awkwardly spoke to her mum for two hours on the phone for advice.
Spoken candidly with her about the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
Looked into depression, “She doesn’t seem unhappy or depressed, I would say she’s content.
Buying her gifts/flowers
Arranging breaks away / spa sessions

I know she would be crushed if I left, but I feel alone in trying to salvage our marriage.

What am I doing wrong?

I know Good
Utterly outrageous that he is concerned about and is seeking advice on what to do about the lack of intimacy and attention from his spouse in his marriage. How dare he?
I wonder what your response would have been if the OP had been a woman.

Geek
I'm not surprised the OP has disappeared given the fucking vitriol and aggressive, nasty responses that yet again pour forth when a bloke loses asking for advice.

loses..... posts

It would be interesting to see her perspective on how her week goes. You may be exceptionally busy but so is she.

How about you swap one (or two of your gym nights) so your wife can get out?

Life is a balance, it doesn't sound like you have one in yours.

When you spoke you your wife what did she say? What do you want from this relationship? Do you still love her? Is it just her physical appearance that bothers you?

Read OP and BubsandMoo's first reply. Bubs has said exactly what I was thinking.

There are posts right now from a woman posting about lack of sex and she gets considered, reasonable responses. And no one has asked her how much housework she does.

vitriol and aggressive, nasty responses

Although the replies may be challenging, they are certainly not aggressive or nasty (for the most part, at least).

Your reply, though, was the one full of vitriol, aggressive and nasty.

Lweji

Sure, if you say so.

Back at you. :)

OP I actually think you may have inadvertently been too nice - I don't think you should stop being supportive, but I would suggest being really direct about the problem and then offering support that addresses the problem.

You need to tell your wife that her weight is making you really unhappy. But you should ALSO stress that you want to work with her to resolve the problem.

I think the best sort of support would be to stop going to the gym, or taking on additional work and spend that time cooking healthy food with your wife and exercising with her. This might mean walking, initially, and if you're really committed you'll put up with it. And no comments about how slow she's going, or trying to be encouraging etc. etc. Just talk about other things. Win win - she'll drop weight like nobody's business and you'll get on better as a couple.

Err... I'm with Supermanspants on being confused by the responses. Why is everyone being so mean to the OP?

LaPharisienne - meanwhile - back at the ranch - where are the three kids?

You need to tell your wife that her weight is making you really unhappy. But you should ALSO stress that you want to work with her to resolve the problem.

To start with nobody should change their weight because of how it makes their partner feel. Her health and how she feels are more important.
How does she feel about her weight? Does she want to lose weight? Is she willing to work on that?

I'd just really start to ask how she really feels. Create an environment where she can talk about her problems and her issues with confidence. Do you think you have that with her, OP?

I love how there is a shining example of some being agressive and nasty right after your post Lweji.

Anyway why all the anger towards what he earns he has been clear that he works so that his wife is happy. He clearly mentions taking on extra projects/spending more time at work so that he can afford the mortgage on the house his wife wanted.

Well, it was after I posted. :)
And I did say the most part.

Just to respond to some of the comments:

I live next to the gym, I go at night at 10:00 when everyone is in bed asleep!
I work from home, My wife has more leisure time during the day and often leaves the little one with me to go out.

I actually do both school runs every day and I take both judo/gymnastics clubs every week. We have Saturdays together, Church on Sunday and family night every Monday night without fail.

When I called her mum, it was difficult for me. Her mum was very supportive and thought I was being considerate, it was out of concern. This was after I spoke to my wife on how I was feeling.

There are many false assumptions made on what I wrote, perhaps I could have worded it better.

I am trying to be constructive, thanks to those who have given me objective advice but on the whole this was a bad idea and is a toxic place for a male to talk candidly.

He could be a saint, but then he hasn't been back to answer even the first questions, so, who knows?

It was the "poor men" posts who got over the top to start with, btw.

WildeWoman not saying it's easy, but if it really matters to the OP there must be a way.

Lweji I have to politely disagree. In a relationship how you both feel is equally important and besides, being obese is unhealthy so she would be happier and healthier if she lost weight whatever else came of it. Are you suggesting that the OP's wants/ needs are irrelevant?!

I do think the onus is on the OP to support his wife to lose weight tho - I think he probably feels like he does loads for the family already (which he does) without realising that his wife would like/ needs different support. I don't know - maybe she'd rather he worked less and was at home more? Just a thought.

OP, maybe don't dismiss depression as a cause, it certainly sounds as though it could be a factor.

I don't know whether you've considered relationship counselling? If she acknowledges there is a problem but is unable/unwilling to address it it might be that she doesn't know where to begin and a neutral third party might help?

I agree with others that if you could reduce your time at the gym a little and spend some of that time with her, going for a walk etc, that might help her. It can be intimidating to have a very fit partner who wants to get you involved in exercise, maybe taking it back to something as simple as walking would remove some of that pressure. Or, if she is physically able, perhaps looking at some kind of activity that would be totally new to you, too? So you're on a level pegging so to speak. That said, all this may depend on exactly how overweight she is, as she may not be able to do much movement yet.

I'm not trying to antagonise anyone else on this thread but I would just like to say op that you are allowed to want sex and intimacy in a relationship and, while you haven't actually done this, to question your continued involvement in a relationship which is missing both of those things and in which your partner won't have an honest and open conversation about them.

Holowiwi - because he does not for one second acknowledge the financial contribution his wife is making to the marriage.
To him, he is the earner. His wife is an obese sponger.
What if his wife went back to work? His BIG salary wouldn't be such a BIG thing then? Not when childcare for three children has to be paid for. Not when his children have to go into full-time childcare. Not when his wife has independence and an outlet. Not when his wife can buy her own shit and not rely on Mr. Big (72k lol) to indulge her........... Not when his wife might possibly earn more than him.

To your second post, jordan2016, have you told your wife that her weight is making you unhappy in as many words?

It sounds like she just doesn't get it...

Alabamaslammer I was starting to feel quite lonely... Totally agree with your post.

You could have put that information in the OP though. But from what you've written it looks like you are leaving the bulk of the housework to your wife though.

You will both need to be honest with each other, as it looks like you don't kjow each other that well.

He has not said she is an obese sponger. That is an unpleasant thing to accuse him of.

Maybe his wife should go back to work, it might help to get her out of the apathy she seems to be stuck in. That is certainly something that could be explored.

I think it's deeply unfair to cast aspersions on his attitude towards women working post-children, financial responsibility etc. One could equally make some baseless and unfair assumptions about her attitude towards women working post-children, financial responsibility etc but that too would be deeply unfair because guess what, we don't have all the details of their relationship both now and historically.