I need a woman’s perspective!

[jordan2016]

Sorry for crashing this site, I really need advice on what I can do to improve the relationship with my wife before it dies a horrible death.

We have been married for 10 years and we have three beautiful children. We are both 33 and in the past year our sex life is pretty much dead. Before this we had a great sex life

My wife is just not interested and shows very little affection. I work really hard, I have a decent wage 72K, she has never worked since being married and I bought her, her dream house by taking on extra work projects to secure the mortgage.

I stay fit and healthy, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and I make time for the family whilst juggling a heavy workload. I help around the house with cleaning.

My wife is a brilliant mum, I complement her on this because she really puts the children first in every thing, I don’t resent this but I just wish I had some of that attention. I have spoken to her about this on many occasions and she agreed with me yet nothing has changed.

She has become clinically obese and hides away in hoody’s, I can’t remember the last time she put some make up on or fixed her hair. She drinks an unhealthy amount of fizzy drinks and chocolate.

I say these things not to be mean, they just concern me, I have gently tried to encourage her to change her lifestyle, build up her self-esteem, but again she agrees but hasn’t done anything about it.

I travel a lot with work and I have literally had several opportunities/offers by younger attractive females, but I have never cheated on her.

My friend just got divorced and he and his wife are very happy, I feel sick of the thought of breaking up my family, but I feel we are pretty much lodgers not lovers.

Things I have tried:
Awkwardly spoke to her mum for two hours on the phone for advice.
Spoken candidly with her about the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
Looked into depression, “She doesn’t seem unhappy or depressed, I would say she’s content.
Buying her gifts/flowers
Arranging breaks away / spa sessions

I know she would be crushed if I left, but I feel alone in trying to salvage our marriage.

What am I doing wrong?

Moomin i have linked a thread which disproves the trope you are trying to reinforce.

And heres another one.

Not much flaming of the male OP on this one either.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2492985-Strategies-for-coping-without-sexual-intimacy-in-a-marriage

Why don't you give your gym membership to her and then she can go to the gym four to five times a week whilst you did the domestic/childcare tasks. Did you know that if women got paid for all their daily (seven days a week, 52 weeks a year) childcare / domestic tasks then they would earn $113,568 (can't find the English equivalent off the top of my head) which means that your wife easily works harder than you and you are the one who gets all the benefits!

Time and independence is what she needs, and then once you are on an equal playing field, then assess the situation. All that needs to happen is you changing your way of thinking.

Don't worry, it's not painful and would mean that you have finally joined the 21st century!

You said yourself in your OP "I travel a lot with work" so you can hardly be surprised when people assume that you are not at home all day.

Well done Helena for finding those two threads proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that men don't always get flamed on here. Perhaps you might dig out a couple more over the next few hours.
Perhaps it would be more accurate to state that men generally get flamed on here but there are always exceptions.

I dont see any nastiness
I wonder why MN deleted those 'helpful' comments up thread.

You can't make sweeping generalisations about the entire site based on a couple of deleted posts.

There are posts deleted all the time. They're not always on threads started by men.

We could always find threads where women get flamed. :)
There are many.

But then, Helena did back up her claims. Perhaps you'd care to back up yours?

Walter
Perhaps read my post again.

At what point did I state women don't get flamed Lweji
The vast, vast majority of posters on the r'ship board are women...... therefore the law of averages states there will always be women getting flamed.... I'm surprised you didn't pick up on that

Very few men post on this board. IME in the years I have been on here the majority of that very small % have been flamed. Their posts have been picked apart and they have been savaged. I stand by what I have seen. If you refuse to acknowledge that because I can't be arsed to trawl through hundreds of pages to 'back up my claim' then that is your issue. It doesn't affect me. I know what I have seen and base my opinions on here on that. That is good enough for me.

Walter
Helena said I dont see any nastiness..... on this thread...... not the SITE..... the thread

How on earth is that making a sweeping generalisation about the entire site when I am commenting on nasty comments directed at the OP which have been deleted by MNHQ on THIS thread?

In my case i didnt have to trawl through hundreds of pages. I have quite a photographic memory.

Another male OP

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1725561-I-am-in-a-sexless-marriage-and-have-tried-everything-but-dont-want-to-leave

Oh well done Helena..... we are up to three
Keep searching that photographic memory of yours. Might hit double figures by tomorrow

I like the Januarys suggestion:Why don't you give your gym membership to her and then she can go to the gym four to five times a week whilst you did the domestic/childcare tasks.
Yes staying at home does not improve her self confidence.
jordan2016 from reading your post I get a sense that she is quite lonely while you go about your many activities.
And you behave like a mummy's little boy who is in completion with his own children for attention. So grow up. Become a PARTNER for her, not another needy child!

.... although would have hoped for something a bit more recent but hey.... that is some memory you have to remember that from nearly three years ago

Poor guy... OP, when I read your first post, I heard a man who was desperately trying to say the right things to avoid getting roasted. I'm not sure you deserved it, because you came asking for help and the responses you received could have been constructed more helpfully. Fwiw, it drives me potty too when men say they 'help' with the house. My partner hoovered the stairs 'for me' the other day. THEY ARE HIS STAIRS TOO. And - breathe... But given that no man anywhere seems to appreciate this - it's a theme of playground conversation at drop off time - I think you got unfairly jumped on. We can tell you these things constructively. We can help you be a better man.

You know if you go to the gym at 10 o'clock every night pretty much? When is your wife supposed to have sex with you? Because I have a boy so daytime sex doesn't happen. You've more chance of hell freezing over than the alarm going off early for some dawn nookie. It goes off early enough. So that leaves night time. I'm too tired after 11. You are leaving her during your sex window.

If she thinks you find her unattractive, she won't want to sleep with you. And this will make the problem worse as she will comfort eat. Do not mention her weight. Ever ever ever. You might think you are being helpful. No. She knows. Every woman knows. To lose weight she has to feel good about herself and positive. This won't happen if you mention her weight. Not even if she does. Not even 'I love you just as you are.' The hips must not be mentioned. I say this as someone who has gone from a size 12 to a 16 in 6 months and lives with a gym bunny. No no no.

the law of averages states there will always be women getting flamed..
Yes. And men too. Why should they be immune?
I'm surprised you didn't pick up on that.

Completely missing the point again Lweji You are good at that aren't you

My first link was from earlier this month. Is that not recent enough?

Stop arguing! You're making women look bonkers.

I mean, I know we are. But it's meant to be a secret.

Well regardless of whether every single guy who posts is ridiculed and has derision poured on him.....I saw nothing wrong with Jordan's OP. I saw none of the things he got slated for
I just saw a man posting for some advice from a female angle so that he could try to mend his relationship and help his wife. End of. I don't read between the lines and think posters are meaning something entirely different to what they're saying. I just give some feedback based on the details we have.
But everyone sees things from different perspectives I guess. But giving posters a roasting is only gonna scare them off, how can that ever be helpful?

I mean, I know we are.

I'm not. I must be separated from the one giant brain cell we share.

Like Lweiji im still waiting for you to back up your claims instead of just stomping your feet that i have backed up mine.

Moomin, I can only speak for myself but I don't like the tone of some of his posts.

Like, he does the school run for his wife.

No, he does it because he is their parent and should be doing it.

I hate this carry on of parents helping with their own children and doing housework for their spouse.

If you made it, or live in it, you're responsible for it.