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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU - boyfriend's night out?

128 replies

warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 09:32

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to a situation or not so would welcome any feedback even if it's to say yes I am!

Here is the story:

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 4 months so still a fairly new relationship. We usually see each other 3/4 nights during the week; he lives about 40 minutes from me but we work in the same city so it's just evolved that he stays with me quite a bit as it's more convenient for his work plus he wants to see me of course! He is divorced and has his kids every third weekend, whom I've not met yet as we feel it's still too early but I see him most weekends.

However I didn't see him much over Christmas/New Year as I was away visiting my grown-up kids then when I came back he has his children. We were together for New Years eve and we went out with my family for a meal so it was my treat and New Years Day but then his work the next day called to see he had to go work away for 3 weeks.

While away he phoned everyday and we both said we missed each other lots. He said as soon as he was back he would take me out somewhere special to make up for being away and that we should spend more quality time together. He surprised me by coming back early at the start of this week and he has been staying at my flat, where coincidentally I cook his meals for him!

We were talking last night and he said oh by the way do you mind if I go out with my mate Saturday night?
My immediate response was oh that's ok but after thinking about it I told him this morning actually I'm a bit annoyed you promised to take me out and it's something I've really been looking forward to.

He immediately jumped down my throat and said God it's just one night! I said yes, but it's the poor timing i'm questioning this is his first weekend back and I just feel low on his priorities as I'm being blown off in favour of his friends. He apologised and said he had forgotten his promise which did NOT make me feel better. He offered to cancel his friend if i wanted him too. Well now i feel the whole quality time thing has just been ruined.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 16:16

Thanks to everyone who posted; so much great advice.

I know some of you have said that this is the wrong thing to do but I'm going to talk to him tonight and say we've gone too far too soon and we should take a few steps back.

  1. He needs to stop staying with me so much
  2. When he does stay he needs to take his turn cooking
  3. We both need to get out with our friends independently again

I've not decided how to address the keys issue but I will, baby steps......

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 21/01/2016 16:20

But the keys / crashing at yours issue is quite a biggie.....

kittybiscuits · 21/01/2016 16:38

I would go with 'I need my key to give to (insert name of tradesperson) - would you drop it in on your way past? I need tv dinner and pjs tonight as I'm shattered so do you mind if we cancel?' I would text tomorrow when you have your key and say 'no problem about Saturday. I've made plans too. Maybe catch up sometime next week?'. And then I would vanish. In a puff of smoke. Because he is a using knobhead.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/01/2016 16:41

I fully endorse kitty's plan.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/01/2016 16:43

Exactly what Kittybiscuits says - do it, it will be empowering and you won't get taken for a ride again.
And, on the slim chance he is a good un' really he will start chasing you and making an effort which is a much better place to be!

Duckdeamon · 21/01/2016 17:05

Yes, if he's decent and into you he'll get it and act differently in future!

sije · 21/01/2016 17:44

So when did he last take you out for a meal?

Atenco · 21/01/2016 17:56

Really I have to take my share of the blame I like doing nice things for people

That is very far from being blameworthy, OP. Please don't stop doing nice things for people, but cut back on doing nice things for people who take advantage.

And please get this man out of your house. You shouldn't have to ask him to contribute, if he were a decent man he would insist on contributing.

He'll turn it all around about you not wanting him to see his friends. Let him.

I had a bf whom I let stay over in my place from day one. Worst mistake I ever made, except for the dd I got out of it. He is one of the most selfishe people I have ever met. Found out years later that he did the same thing to at least one other partner and managed to get the ripe old age of 50 before he found out what it is to have to pay gas, electricity, rent, etc.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/01/2016 18:17

I think your strategy is better op, no game playing

SevenOfNineTrue · 21/01/2016 18:33

warmfuzzy2 I'd add that he needs to buy the food he is cooking and offer money for other bills. You honestly don't want to get with a man who is tight.

Leelu6 · 21/01/2016 20:23

Good plan OP. Just don't get suckered into being too nice again. Keep us updated on his response.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 21/01/2016 21:55

Okay rtft now sorry. Take back my last post. I agree youv defo moved too fast after only four months and glad you are going to bring the issues up. His reaction will tell you alot about him.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 21/01/2016 21:57

Last post didn't even post ha, it just said you were being unreasonable why not go out Friday night together and also ask him couple of times a week what do you fancy doing for dinner will you grab it tonight or me. Then the next night the other person takes a turn.

Hope your chat goes well.

Hissy · 21/01/2016 22:15

I feel for you. This is exactly the sort of situation I'd get into... Except i would have just sucked it up about being blown out on the Saturday.

Him going out with his mates and then coming home to you does seem too much though, even for me.

I hope the talk goes well.

rollonthesummer · 21/01/2016 22:25

Big talk needed; he's treating you like a free hotel/doss house/warm bed mate.

Original poster
warmfuzzy2 · 22/01/2016 09:09

Not much to report as fate intervened last night; a friend I've not seen in ages texted me to see if i wanted to meet and have a catch-up so instead of going home I met up with her. I texted bf to say not to come back to my flat and I would speak to him tonight.

I know it's just postponing things but I'm glad of the chance to get what i want to say clear in my head. I'm very good at knowing what to say but when the time comes my head goes blank and I just end up jibbering!

I feel different today though, that may sound mad but I'm beginning more in "control" and less anxious. If he doesn't like what he hears well he can f* off!

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 22/01/2016 09:18

What was BFs reaction to that?

hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2016 09:20

I hope you had a lovely catch up with your friend.
You do sound more in control today.
Your last sentence is spot on.
You're there now, so tackle it all head on.
Write things down ready in case he starts to talk you round and you forget what you need to say.

Original poster
warmfuzzy2 · 22/01/2016 09:39

MiniCooperLover - he didn't get a chance to say much as it was very much a case of me saying "I'm meeting a friend tonight, I'll see you tomorrow, bye!"

Thank you hellsbellsmelons I did have a lovely time.

The only thing that annoys me now though is that I feel a bit silly about having a go at him for his night out and disappointing me as I think I now come across as the unreasonable gf. His night out with his mate, which he is 100% entitled to have, was just the straw that broke the camel's back and it just represented, yet again, how I felt unappreciated.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 22/01/2016 09:41

Actually I think what happened last night was ideal. He is taking you for granted and a bit of distance is a good thing so don't worry about that.

BathtimeFunkster · 22/01/2016 09:42

That's a much better report than I was expecting.

Taking time for your own friends and living your life in your flat on your terms is worth ten sit down conversations where he can pretend to listen and then carry on as before.

What you say tonight will have last night's actions to back it up, so he is more likely to pay attention.

Hold onto the strong feeling!

BathtimeFunkster · 22/01/2016 09:45

The only thing that annoys me now though is that I feel a bit silly about having a go at him for his night out and disappointing me as I think I now come across as the unreasonable gf.

Nope.

He set the precedent that blowing you out for a better offer was acceptable.

You just went with it.

Given that he bailed on a date and you bailed on him crashing at yours after the gym, I think you still have a problem with mutual respect.

Leelu6 · 22/01/2016 10:30

As you said, OP, he had promised to spend that evening with you. Don't feel bad for speaking up.

He didn't make use of flat while you were out, did he?

Duckdeamon · 22/01/2016 11:16

OP didn't bail on her bf.

Duckdeamon · 22/01/2016 11:17

It isn't controlling or unreasonable to adjust boundaries, as you've outlined. Or to ask for your key back.

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