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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU - boyfriend's night out?

128 replies

warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 09:32

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to a situation or not so would welcome any feedback even if it's to say yes I am!

Here is the story:

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 4 months so still a fairly new relationship. We usually see each other 3/4 nights during the week; he lives about 40 minutes from me but we work in the same city so it's just evolved that he stays with me quite a bit as it's more convenient for his work plus he wants to see me of course! He is divorced and has his kids every third weekend, whom I've not met yet as we feel it's still too early but I see him most weekends.

However I didn't see him much over Christmas/New Year as I was away visiting my grown-up kids then when I came back he has his children. We were together for New Years eve and we went out with my family for a meal so it was my treat and New Years Day but then his work the next day called to see he had to go work away for 3 weeks.

While away he phoned everyday and we both said we missed each other lots. He said as soon as he was back he would take me out somewhere special to make up for being away and that we should spend more quality time together. He surprised me by coming back early at the start of this week and he has been staying at my flat, where coincidentally I cook his meals for him!

We were talking last night and he said oh by the way do you mind if I go out with my mate Saturday night?
My immediate response was oh that's ok but after thinking about it I told him this morning actually I'm a bit annoyed you promised to take me out and it's something I've really been looking forward to.

He immediately jumped down my throat and said God it's just one night! I said yes, but it's the poor timing i'm questioning this is his first weekend back and I just feel low on his priorities as I'm being blown off in favour of his friends. He apologised and said he had forgotten his promise which did NOT make me feel better. He offered to cancel his friend if i wanted him too. Well now i feel the whole quality time thing has just been ruined.
AIBU?

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2016 12:37

TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/01/2016 12:40

You are a nice person doing nice things but unfortunately you have met someone who is taking advantage of that.

Hopefully he doesn't have a key but if he does take it back, make an excuse if you feel you need to. Tell him you are going out this sat and staying at a friends so he won't be able to stay with you. Start putting in some boundaries. He may step up or he may not but people will only respect you once you stand up and be counted.

Kr1stina · 21/01/2016 12:44

I think he asked her if he could go out because he's being manipulative . He know his request is unreasonable as he had promised to take her out and it's his turn to treat her.

If she says "no" , she's the controlling GF who wants him to stop seeing his mates . He has to take her out instead BUT he will be horrid and it will be HER FAULT. That will teach her to expect anything from him again .

If she says " yes " , he gets to go out guilt free and she is left with the anger and resentment .

Win win

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/01/2016 12:48

Am I the only one who'd say 'I'm seeing a friend tomorrow love, is that ok?' as less of a request for permission and more of a just-letting-you-know sort of phrase, when speaking to my partner of 4 months? Surely people aren't actually seriously asking to be allowed out with their friends?

I think that people may be over-reacting slightly on that point. I do think he's taking you rather for granted though op.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/01/2016 12:52

Lacontessa- a long term partner that you live with - sure. A boyfriend of 4 months - no fucking way

Goingtobeawesome · 21/01/2016 12:54

Why not cancel him now or else you'll be secretly eating or starving, as there's a strong possibility he'll make beans on toast for one...

stayathomegardener · 21/01/2016 13:03

Does he have a key?

And either way, text him to say you are out tonight so don't come over after the gym.
Next time you see him should be out for that meal.

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/01/2016 13:05

But that's what I would have said to my DH 4 months after we'd met!

Although we were also engaged by that point so maybe my boundaries are a bit skewed 6 years in and happily married with 2 DC, since you ask. I think I got lucky in that my DH is not a cocklodging kitchen-shy idiot.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/01/2016 13:05

It is weird after four months but that is why it is a red flag!

Completely agree win win for him.

This is his first proper attempt to take the piss. Sounding out just how much he can get away with. Stop this now.

Duckdeamon · 21/01/2016 13:10

Definitely don't have him come over after his night out! No need for an excuse - just tell him that wouldn't work for you.

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2016 13:12

I think it is the context in which it is set (the taking the OP for granted, the dropping his plans with her and making her agree to this) that makes it a red flag. If he wasn't generally behaving badly and hadn't already invited the OP out then, of course, it wouldn't be.

Original poster

warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 14:00

Totally depressed now.

I thought I was just being nice and now I see I've just been inviting him to take me for granted.

He does have a key, I felt sorry for him as he sometimes has a break from 4.30pm - 6.30pm and he didn't have enough time to go home so he just used to wander the shops so (at the time) it just seemed logical to give him a key.

I'm going to have a talk tonight with him.

It's honestly not all his fault, from childhood I've always been told to be a "good girl" and not make waves. So I've probably been too accommodating.

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 21/01/2016 14:06

This isn't your fault OP.

But best to adjust some of your "boundaries", especially if you're (understandably) not content with aspects of how he's treating you.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/01/2016 14:08

You need some assertiveness training.
You are a 'people pleaser' and although it's not a horrible trait, it's not a great one to have.

You need to value yourself and your worth.

Duckdeamon · 21/01/2016 14:14

Book recommendation: a Woman in Your Own Right

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2016 14:16

WickedWax · 21/01/2016 14:30

You need to dial this right back.

You've been dating for what, 16, 17, weeks (a good 3-4 of which you haven't seen him due to holidays/working away) and you've given him a key?

I hope your talk tonight is going to involve him handing your key back and you making it clear to him that he won't be using your place as a free boarding house in future.

How long were you actually "dating" for before you fell into this arrangement where he gets his meals provided and a convenient bed close to work?

SugarDiabetes · 21/01/2016 14:33

He could always go to the gym between 4.30-6.30pm if he has free time.

If he lives 40 minutes away from you/work...where is his gym, anyway?

Original poster

warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 14:46

Yes hellsbellsmelons I know I do, ironically I just received from Amazon this week 2 books which I ordered to deal with the problems which I feel make me want to be a "people pleaser".

It was something I read in these books that made me speak up this morning (although I agree my timing was off) about my disappointment at this weekend. Usually I would just smile sweetly and let things fester....not good.

So it may not seem like much but it's a start.

Duckdaemon I'll look at that book, thanks.

WickedWax we were dating for 4 weeks, it didn't seem a big deal at the time as it was just occasionally, if ever, he intended to use it.

SugarDiabetes his gym is beside his work, but he has only just started going back to it again after a long absence.

OP posts:

Annarose2014 · 21/01/2016 14:55

Don't be down on yourself. After all you could be posting after 4 years, not 4 months!

It's a big plus that you're self aware, so many of us aren't and I'm sure plenty of us have unhealthy dynamics in our extended families we don't even see.

The good news is that it's so early that it's easier to reset. If you don't want to cause a drama, just say next time he's over that you can't find your house key anywhere so you'll have to take back "the spare" (don't call it "yours"!) until it turns up.

Then your key turns up underneath a shoe or somewhere plausible in a couple of days but you just forget to give the key back to him.

If he has the utter cheek to ask for it back say sorry but you need it in case you mislay it again. But hopefully he won't as that would be a bit grabby.

Jan45 · 21/01/2016 14:56

You gave far too much trust to a man you don't really know that well, you are realising this now and feeling taken advantage of which is good OP, just stick to your guns, you know deep down he's been taking the piss so just stand your ground, if he likes you for you then there will not be an issue about him staying over at yours all the time.

There's a lot of folk out there who see nice kind people as an opportunity for them to gain from it.

blessedwithtwo · 21/01/2016 15:14

I can see where you are coming from OP. But I cannot believe all this has stemmed from him asking if it's okay to catch up with a friend, but can see how this has upset you considering he made plans with you first.

I don't think a 'chat' will benefit you - I think actions speak louder than words. If I was you I would pull back and start catching up with my own friends and get that key back and stop so many over night visits until you both become more established.

This doesn't need to be made into a massive bugbear for you both - just needs some compromising from both of you.

Give an inch they take a mile... grab the inch back. x

Kr1stina · 21/01/2016 15:39

A good person won't just take you for granted just because you allow it. A basically good (but self-centred and a bit lazy) one might unthinkingly do so, and a user definately will. His reaction to you putting down some boundaries will show you which one you've got

This is very wise.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/01/2016 15:49

Give an inch they take a mile...

No, a good person will take an inch when you give them an inch, thank you for giving it, and then give you another inch back next time.

People who exploit other people are always to blame for that exploitation.

They are more to blame, not less, that they choose easy targets to exploit.

blessedwithtwo · 21/01/2016 15:59

"No, a good person will take an inch when you give them an inch, thank you for giving it, and then give you another inch back next time."

I wasn't referring to a good person

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