Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU - boyfriend's night out?

128 replies

warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 09:32

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to a situation or not so would welcome any feedback even if it's to say yes I am!

Here is the story:

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 4 months so still a fairly new relationship. We usually see each other 3/4 nights during the week; he lives about 40 minutes from me but we work in the same city so it's just evolved that he stays with me quite a bit as it's more convenient for his work plus he wants to see me of course! He is divorced and has his kids every third weekend, whom I've not met yet as we feel it's still too early but I see him most weekends.

However I didn't see him much over Christmas/New Year as I was away visiting my grown-up kids then when I came back he has his children. We were together for New Years eve and we went out with my family for a meal so it was my treat and New Years Day but then his work the next day called to see he had to go work away for 3 weeks.

While away he phoned everyday and we both said we missed each other lots. He said as soon as he was back he would take me out somewhere special to make up for being away and that we should spend more quality time together. He surprised me by coming back early at the start of this week and he has been staying at my flat, where coincidentally I cook his meals for him!

We were talking last night and he said oh by the way do you mind if I go out with my mate Saturday night?
My immediate response was oh that's ok but after thinking about it I told him this morning actually I'm a bit annoyed you promised to take me out and it's something I've really been looking forward to.

He immediately jumped down my throat and said God it's just one night! I said yes, but it's the poor timing i'm questioning this is his first weekend back and I just feel low on his priorities as I'm being blown off in favour of his friends. He apologised and said he had forgotten his promise which did NOT make me feel better. He offered to cancel his friend if i wanted him too. Well now i feel the whole quality time thing has just been ruined.
AIBU?

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 21/01/2016 11:36

Just talk to him about the cooking. Say to him that it seems you've both got into the habit of you cooking and it would be fairer if it was more equal. Any reasonable person would be fine with that.

Jan45 · 21/01/2016 11:37

So he can't see his friends, she must be the priority? Bullshit.

Nope never said that but he had already arranged to see the OP, treat her, take her out - if I was staying with her for free the least I would do would make her a priority, esp if I had promised.

Offred · 21/01/2016 11:39

Oh yeah just sack him off. It's 4 months and he has covertly moved into your house, doesn't contribute financially and has put you in the wife role. Who asks if it's ok to go out with their friends after 4 months?

Offred · 21/01/2016 11:41

(And then kicks off at the answer)

CocktailQueen · 21/01/2016 11:45

Succinct, and I agree with Offred - Oh yeah just sack him off. It's 4 months and he has covertly moved into your house, doesn't contribute financially and has put you in the wife role. Who asks if it's ok to go out with their friends after 4 months?

Sounds like you need to take a big step back. Stop letting him stay all the time. Stop cooking for him. Do your own thing, see your own friends, reclaim some of your old life back! Don't be available for him all the time.

These are red flags waving at you... too much, too soon.

Duckdeamon · 21/01/2016 11:55

Work, gym, then crash at yours?

Nah. At such an early stage in a relationship I'd prefer to see him less but actually spend decent time together. Not to provide food after his workout.

I got into a pattern like this when in a relationship when was much younger and dating a self absorbed man who liked his routine (and me to cook!): it was rubbish!

TheNaze73 · 21/01/2016 12:01

Well said Offred, asking to see friends after 4 months?! Proper warning sign that. The more I've read about this bloke, the more I think he doesn't deserve you. It's too one sided.

Original poster

warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 12:05

Well most definitely I can see changes and a frank but calm talk is needed to set boundaries.

And I must stop acting like his mother!

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 21/01/2016 12:13

Why on earth would you be acting like his mother?
This is not healthy at all.

Offred · 21/01/2016 12:14

What I meant naze is after 4 months you barely know each other. Asking if it's ok to see your friends is something you do when you live together, have commitments together and when you seeing your friends has some consequences for the other person such as them having more housework or not being able to go out themselves because they will be looking after the children.

If you are dating someone you just make your own plans for your life, see your friends when you like, see your GF when you like. You don't ask for permission to see your friends.

Original poster

warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 12:15

Mother = cooking for him

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 21/01/2016 12:16

Frank and calm talks are overrated.

Especially with men who take you for granted.

Show him by your actions that you are not interested in running a lodging house for his exclusive, non-paying use.

Be out, don't let him come over all the time just because it's convenient.

You know now that he's not a nice enough man that you can trust him not to take advantage.

Offred · 21/01/2016 12:16

I've been with my BF nearly three years, unless I needed to deliberately change plans I had with him or he asked to see me when I had plans I wouldn't ask him what he thought about it. That's because we don't live together and it's none of his business when I see my friends.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/01/2016 12:22

Maybe he asked because he was planning to stay at hers even though she's not invited.

Jan45 · 21/01/2016 12:26

I'd also be careful about council tax if you receive a discount, not sure how him staying over all week would affect that, it at all. If I go to a friends house for dinner I always bring chocs or flowers, to actually stay over and use your facilities is taking the mick.

Original poster

warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 12:28

Yes I think he was intending coming back to my flat after his night out.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2016 12:28

Don't talk to him about the cooking or making a contribution. Lots of red flags here. Rewind the relationship back to just dating, no meals (unless you go out) and no overnights. See how he treats you then, he sounds like he is totally taking you for granted.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/01/2016 12:29

Text him now and tell him it's his turn to cook for your tonight and he needs to get all the ingredients on his way home.
See what he replies to that!

BathtimeFunkster · 21/01/2016 12:30

I think he was intending coming back to my flat after his night out.

But that's not happening now, right?

RIIIIIIIIGHT?

MiniCooperLover · 21/01/2016 12:32

Do not allow him to come back after his night out and do not give him a key !!!

Mommasoph30 · 21/01/2016 12:32

He sounds like a dream catch, Seriously why put up with this.

Offred · 21/01/2016 12:34

I did wonder if that was what he was planning. But it's just more putting you in the wife role. You can't let him stay at yours after a night out after 4 months of dating.

Annarose2014 · 21/01/2016 12:34

Oh god please don't say he has a bloody key after 4 months! Nooooooo!

Original poster

warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 12:35

No, It's NOT happening.

My problem is I've always had problems sticking up for myself, but i can see unhealthy patterns are being set here which I must stop now.

I have to take my share of the blame I like doing nice things for people and this just seems to have snowballed and just lately I've really been feeling the imbalance and been feeling unappreciated.

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 21/01/2016 12:37

You do NOT take any of the blame.

Being nice and accommodating doesn't make it OK for people to take advantage of you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread