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Original poster

AIBU - boyfriend's night out?

128 replies

warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 09:32

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to a situation or not so would welcome any feedback even if it's to say yes I am!

Here is the story:

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 4 months so still a fairly new relationship. We usually see each other 3/4 nights during the week; he lives about 40 minutes from me but we work in the same city so it's just evolved that he stays with me quite a bit as it's more convenient for his work plus he wants to see me of course! He is divorced and has his kids every third weekend, whom I've not met yet as we feel it's still too early but I see him most weekends.

However I didn't see him much over Christmas/New Year as I was away visiting my grown-up kids then when I came back he has his children. We were together for New Years eve and we went out with my family for a meal so it was my treat and New Years Day but then his work the next day called to see he had to go work away for 3 weeks.

While away he phoned everyday and we both said we missed each other lots. He said as soon as he was back he would take me out somewhere special to make up for being away and that we should spend more quality time together. He surprised me by coming back early at the start of this week and he has been staying at my flat, where coincidentally I cook his meals for him!

We were talking last night and he said oh by the way do you mind if I go out with my mate Saturday night?
My immediate response was oh that's ok but after thinking about it I told him this morning actually I'm a bit annoyed you promised to take me out and it's something I've really been looking forward to.

He immediately jumped down my throat and said God it's just one night! I said yes, but it's the poor timing i'm questioning this is his first weekend back and I just feel low on his priorities as I'm being blown off in favour of his friends. He apologised and said he had forgotten his promise which did NOT make me feel better. He offered to cancel his friend if i wanted him too. Well now i feel the whole quality time thing has just been ruined.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 10:34

No, I don't do his washing and don't intend to start!

It just started off that if he was at my house when I came home it felt rude to not offer him some supper too, but it's just become the norm now.

To make it clear I haven't said he can't go out - that's not my call, I'm just very disappointed that I'm not having the Saturday night I was so looking forward to.
It is just one night, but it's also true that there are 365 days in the year he can go out with this friend why choose his first Saturday back when we had made plans?

In any case I've decided I'm going to phone round and have a night out of my own!

OP posts:
Original poster
warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 10:35

Yes, I've been to his house and met his family.
He is divorced.

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 21/01/2016 10:37

Good plan re night out.

But are you going address his lack of contribution to living costs?

Only1scoop · 21/01/2016 10:40

Glad to hear you not doing laundry etc Op

You don't run a midweek B&B.

Original poster
warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 10:42

Yes, I think I can't let this continue.
I have only let it run on so long as it just sort of "happened" without discussion but I'm feeling the pinch now and it has to stop.

It's probably my fault, I'm a people-pleaser and I hate conflict of any kind so just tend to go along with things.

My mentioning my disappointment at his night out this morning is not like me, but i thought I would just mention it to stop things festering.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 21/01/2016 10:45

Ask him to go home to his own house.

Staying around at yours all week, eating your food, and then going out for a nice meal with his friends at the weekend?

You are a comfortable, convenient place to stay with meals provided.

He wants to spend quality time elsewhere.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/01/2016 10:45

You need to have a discussion about him contributing.
And also sharing the cooking.
Don't get into being little slave during the week.
It's not healthy and you are already resenting it.
How many nights a week does he stay with you?
When I had a lodger I charged £350 per month for the room with en-suite and it was only a 5 day a week thing.
He's taking the piss massively from what I can see.
He contributes or he doesn't stay at yours.

In all honesty though, he sounds thoughtless and selfish and I'd be ending it.

NotNowBono · 21/01/2016 10:45

it's just evolved that he stays with me quite a bit as it's more convenient for his work

^ this would start to grate on me. He's saving on travel costs and^ food bills - I'd hope a man in that situation would be prioritising taking you out to say thank you for that, over and above any bonus celebrations.

TPel · 21/01/2016 10:49

I don't like to say this, but if you were very important to him, he would be taking you out not his friend. You are convenient and you cook, so he is taking advantage of that. Why wouldn't he? He gets free accommodation, food and sex.

I would tell him you don't want him staying during the week. Go back to dating and see what happens.

I wouldn't put up with this sort of nonsense.

JohnLuther · 21/01/2016 10:53

You have only been together for four months but even so he's entitled to see his friends, if there are other issues then you need to tackle them.

SaucyJack · 21/01/2016 10:53

Just send him a text on your way home from work and ask if he can pick up some (non-specific) food for dinner that night as you haven't had time to go to Tesco.

You'll know all you need to know from whether he turns up with a jar of pasta sauce or a huge bag of fresh food and wine.

Cleensheetsandbedding · 21/01/2016 10:55

YANBU

You've stepped in to 'taken for granted wivey' role.

Why should he be looking forward to taking you out when he has seen you have been cooking and cleaning after him all week?

He has got the benifit of a wife with out doing any of the leg work. Spent five years of my life being being someones pretend wife, don't do it

ricketytickety · 21/01/2016 10:55

My lovely dp opened my eyes after a succession of men who used me and told me I was oversensitive about various things. When I met him I really had very low expectations of men and relationships. I would allow men to move in without any offer of rent. To stay for tea without asking me if it was ok first or offering to buy it. To stay in my bed then tell me how I should behave in that bed.

I would resent it and they would tell me I was oversensitive. Or controlling. Or unreasonable. They would convince me that my own instincts were those of someone who was not quite right, overreacting, being unfair to them.

My dp never stayed at my home for food without me inviting him formally to do so. He would take me out, forgo nights out because he had booked something with me first and insist that was what he was going to do. He would invite me to his home. He paid for everything. When we were ready, I invited him to move in. Then we spent a couple of months discussing it and we looked at our finances and how he would pay his share.

Until I met him I allowed men to treat me like shit because they told me that was normal. I thought it was. Then he showed me what a real gentleman is like and I wish I had met him many years ago!!! Honestly, I want to tell you that for every cocklodger there is a gentleman. They don't push you as much, they don't rush you and that is a sign that they care. Rushing in and settling in without asking is not gentlemanly behaviour. Not contributing is basic cocklodging 101. Teling you you are overreacting is making sure you don't complain. In 4 months if he was a gentleman you would have been on lots of wonderful dates and maybe some of those would be in your home, some in his. But not living together without asking you first. Then cancelling a date without even bothering to tell you then having a go when you dare to get upset.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/01/2016 10:57

Just send him a text on your way home from work and ask if he can pick up some (non-specific) food for dinner that night as you haven't had time to go to Tesco.

Fuck no, don't do that.

Does he have a key?

If not (and hopefully not, or you really are a mug) just take yourself off to the cinema after work. Switch off your phone, catch a movie, meet a friend for a bite.

You are a single woman who lives alone - be spontaneous.

If he has his feet under the table to the point of having his own key, text him you have friends coming over for dinner so he shouldn't plan to come over tonight.

Only1scoop · 21/01/2016 10:59

Agree with bathtime 100 percent

Change of the old routine

NO 'oh can you pick up something for supper?' Shock

Jan45 · 21/01/2016 11:09

At 4 months in you should be his priority, he's let you down, he's also using you for somewhere to stay for free, any person that was staying with me, be it a friend or a b/f, they'd had offered to contribute, or at least brought in shopping, he must be saving dosh staying with you, it all sounds very unequal and at 4 months, I think I'd be considering ending it.

JohnLuther · 21/01/2016 11:15

So he can't see his friends, she must be the priority? Bullshit.

There might be issues but seeing friends isn't one of them.

Original poster
warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 11:21

I think we have moved too fast TBH and i think my resentment at having been sidelined for his friend is just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm going to pull back a bit and see what happens.
He's coming back to my flat tonight after work/gym and I'm going to say I couldn't be bothered cooking but he's welcome to beans on toast if he wants.

I thought i was being so smart in this relationship, but I'm being a mug Blush

OP posts:
chillycurtains · 21/01/2016 11:22

No, YABU. I think you could go out on another day Friday, Sunday or whenever and he had probably genuinely forgotten which is pretty normal.

What I would say is let this go, and go out Friday night and enjoy your time together without letting this spoil it...but in a week or so I would have an honest conversation with him about him contributing to the food bills at least and possible the water/heating bill if you think he used the hot water, etc enough to warrant this. If you are starting to resent it now then this is going to become an issue for you so get it sorted now before you are together for ages and it becomes a real problem.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/01/2016 11:24

He's coming back to my flat tonight after work/gym and I'm going to say I couldn't be bothered cooking but he's welcome to beans on toast if he wants.

Confused

Seriously?

He's coming over yet again and your big move is to only make him means on toast?!!!

Tell him you've changed your mind about tonight and have made plans with your friends.

He can go home to his own house after the gym.

Original poster
warmfuzzy2 · 21/01/2016 11:25

No one said he can't see his friends.

As I've said previously there are 52 weeks in the year he can please himself, just don't break a promise and it's the way that I'm being put on the back-burner his FIRST weekend back after having made a promise to take me out this weekend I'm disappointed in.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 21/01/2016 11:26

You aren't a mug Op you sound like a really kind person.

You would be a bit of one if you carry on the current arrangement.

IMO The out with mates thing has just bought it to your attention that you feel taken for granted.

I'm guessing if he'd come back saying 'lets go out tonight or at the weekend' and arranged something lovely then you wouldn't give a rats arse if he went out with friend.

Mommasoph30 · 21/01/2016 11:30

Sack him off, why waste time with someone who goes off on one when you dare question him.

I agree with previous posters who say its only one night, but his reaction says it all, Gas lighting- Making the problem about you and suggesting you have a problem with just 'one' night out. Its not even the night out its the fact he has had a better offer and re arranged and then gone off on one when you expressed your feelings. IMO this is not good enough.

He is using you,if he said Sorry babe, my mates want to see me but can we go for a meal on the Friday, Or the Sunday or have takeaway on the Sunday then that would a compromise but where is the compromise?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/01/2016 11:34

He doesn't appreciate you and you moved way too fast. Pull way the fuck back and stop letting him treat you like a mug.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/01/2016 11:34

Absolutely John
BUT..... he PROMISED to take her out for a nice meal on Saturday.
Hopefully to thank her for everything like cooking every week day for him and letting him lodge at hers for free.
BUT..... he has decided that SHE is not his priority and that he would rather now celebrate with his friend.
Letting her down massively. As OP said, she doesn't get to go out often, which is a massive red flag for me anyway, so in this situation it is absolutely NOT OK!