Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Phone call from another woman

134 replies

Lucky0707 · 18/01/2016 22:22

Hello all, earlier today I received a call from a woman regarding my partner. to roughly quote she said. "You don't know me and I've only just found out about you. Sorry to be delivering bad news but your boyfriend has been sleeping with me. I don't want to get involved so I will leave it at that. I won't be seeing him again, i want nothing to do with a man like that. Take care"
I have known him for 5 years but We've only been together as a couple for 1 year since his divorce. I don't know if to take it seriously or think its malicious. His ex wife and mum to his kids hates me, but has only ever made direct verbal abuse. My split from my ex wasn't happy but i have heard nothing since our last day together. I just can't believe this has happened. When I asked him seemed shocked and strongly denied it but surely that would be the response either way. I was very happy but this has cast a shadow. just don't know what to do

OP posts:
DiscoDiva70 · 19/01/2016 07:14

If this was a genuine caller I'd imagine that she'd have given you some sort of 'evidence' about her fling with your bf, just so that you would believe she was telling you the truth, times, dates, places etc.

She hasn't done this, all she's done is contact you, knowing full well her call would upset you, told you she "doesn't want to get involved" and has left you in a state of not knowing what to believe, which doesn't make sense because by her contacting you she is making herself 'involved'

From what I've read, I would say someone is just trying to make trouble for you. Although, having said that, obviously I may be wrong and this woman was genuine, and therefore, in case she was, keep your eye on him anyway.

wotoodoo · 19/01/2016 07:28

If he has cheated in the past then he has form for cheating, even on you. Of course you can comfort yourself with the idea it was malicious but in your heart of hearts you know better than that. Men who cheat like the excitement of the chase and the adrelanin rush of being 'naughty' and doing things illicitly. Especially when their partner is innocent and would never dream of doing something so underhand.

Good luck op, many women choose to stay with a cheat and put up with it and prefer to be in denial than lose their love, other women would run a mile. Your choice.

donajimena · 19/01/2016 07:34

I phoned the OW to tell her that my ex was sleeping with the both of us. Got her number from linkedin. I was very polite about it. It was true.

Catpants123 · 19/01/2016 07:36

I would 100% believe it. Why people are saying its a hoax I have no idea. Act as if it is true. Do not give him the benefit of the doubt.

Even if a random woman wanted to make trouble for him, well that's a worry in itself.

JohnLuther · 19/01/2016 07:46

I'm not saying that he's innocent but how would the PP feel if their other half had an anonymous phone call about their relationship and the other half blindly believed the call maker rather than you?

donajimena · 19/01/2016 07:54

I was a 'call maker' and it was the truth. As catpants said that someone making trouble is a worry in itself.

Claraoswald36 · 19/01/2016 10:12

Hi op this happened to me. I had a thread about it but have nc since then. I didn't believe dp for a second initially but over time I'm inclined to. Wasn't what is call a hoax but malicious definitely and done out of spite and jealousy. It made it very hard to trust him nonetheless.

Claraoswald36 · 19/01/2016 10:13

Johnluther - that's a really good point

Gobbolino6 · 19/01/2016 10:32

Did the caller use your boyfriend's name?

If I received this call, I would not be absolutely convinced but I would think that it was more likely to be true than a hoax.

My background affects that, I suppose. Although I'd been cheated on before, I never believed my husband would cheat and found it easy to disregard all evidence to the contrary.

That said, on an objective level I imagine it's more likely to be true than not, but it isn't proof.

How did he seem when you told him about the call? Simply shocked as you explained...or did you pick up anything odd in his response?

I'd probably act like I'd discounted it and keep a watchful eye.

Cabrinha · 19/01/2016 10:39

I would tell him that you wanted him to call 101 for advice about escalating harrasment from his ex, see how he reacts to that.

TooSassy · 19/01/2016 10:41

I wouldn't end anything off the back of this.

But I would perhaps say that you're reporting it as a malicious call and watch for his reaction.
And stay watchful either way.

There are some nasty people out there who would take great pleasure in destroying other people's lives for kicks. A good friend of mine confessed to something she did years ago. She really liked a guy she was friends with and he had started seeing a girl he really liked. She was innocently in his house (bunch of us were there) and she stashed her underwear in his room. His GF dumped him and my friend hooked up with him. No word of a lie. I've never looked at her the same way. Hideous behaviour.

So for people who are saying it couldn't be a hoax, I disagree. Some people can be awful.

What does your gut say OP?

Original poster
Lucky0707 · 19/01/2016 11:13

Hi to answer a few questions. The caller withheld her number and I severly doubt the authorities will be bothered about the call unless it keeps happening. I am just struggling to think who would of done it out of spite. I have had no contact with my ex for a year and he was more tearful than anything when I left. My partners ex is more the drunken abusive call or text kinda girl. This would be a stone cold act if it is malicious. As for finding my number anyone who knew my 1st name and my job would probably locate me online easily.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucky0707 · 19/01/2016 11:18

It just has left me a bit worried. I guess I have sort of admired my partner from afar for all those years and when we finally developed mutual feelings I was so happy but this makes it hard to trust. He is just denying all and doesn't seem to care if I report it, but then I would hardly bet on anything being looked into regarding a single call that was not threatening! I reported his ex a few months ago and all they did was put it on record.

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 19/01/2016 15:06

OP, was this a two-way conversation or just the woman speaking?
I don't know how accurately you have been able to recall what she said, but the sentiments come across as rather detached. If it were genuine would you not expect anger or distress, even if the person were trying to conceal it?

Are you able to infer anything from the time of day you received the call, and were there any earlier missed calls to that or any other phones you use around that time?

As a pp has said, there are some really unpleasant people out there who love to make mischief. Even so, I think your OH needs to be much more forthcoming in discussing this with you, and he shouldn't sweep it under the carpet or ignore your being understandably concerned by the call - if, that is, he cares about your relationship.

Lotsofponies · 19/01/2016 15:45

How awful for you. Have you talked to your OH about how upset this has made you? He sounds a bit dismissive about it. If someone had phoned my partner and lied about me I would be outraged.

Perhaps you could ask for some reassurance, ask if you could check his phone messages or e-mails to put your mind at ease. If he refuses this could suggest he does indeed have something to hide. Is anything else about his behaviour odd at the moment?

Original poster
Lucky0707 · 19/01/2016 19:17

I did have some missed calls the day she phoned I guess she was plucking up her courage. As for the call it was quite short and direct she must of rehearsed it. She sounded a bit nervous but not angry or mean. She made it quite clear she didn't want anything further to do with the situation. She just stated he'd slept with her but no time or place or how many times. My BF is obviously not happy about this call but either way I Imagine he'd be angry. He doesn't seem bothered about me telling the police but if I was a gambling lady I wouldn't expect them to do anything I mean they don't come out for a burglary now! As for looking at his phone or emails again he isn't bothered but in this day and age it's so easy to have multiple phones or email accounts. Its just a nagging doubt and I've been created on before.

OP posts:
littleleftie · 19/01/2016 19:23

I would tell him my mates boyfriend worked for the relevant phone company and was going to dig the callers number, name and address out for you. I realise this may not be possible in RL but he won't necessarily be 100% sure of that.

See if his face changes then...................

temporarilyjerry · 19/01/2016 19:54

I thought it might be a hoax as there was a thread recently where a woman had received a fb message saying that her partner had slept with someone else. It was a hoax, the message, not the thread.

lighteningirl · 19/01/2016 20:03

I had someone who was very upset I got the job she wanted and she rang my dp now my dh (we all sort of worked together and they were quite good friends) and told him I had been cheating on him. We'd only been together eight months it was awful, he had to threaten her with legal action and made a formal complaint at work to stop her.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 19/01/2016 20:05

"She sounded a bit nervous but not angry or mean".

I'm sorry but that doesn't sound good. A hoax caller (by sounds of it a stranger as you didn't recognise her voice) wouldn't sound nervous. Someone telling the truth would.

What does your gut instinct tell you?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 19/01/2016 20:16

The fact you had missed calls on top of everything else makes it sound more likely tbh. Any possibility of getting at his phone or email accounts?

It's shitty but I would be inclined to believe it, especially with the version of the back story he's given you.

LordOfMisrule · 19/01/2016 20:22

I think he's cheated.

Claraoswald36 · 20/01/2016 11:43

If she didn't give a time or a place that's a bit ropey. Really ropey in fact. If it had happened she would have been able to back up her story by saying - I slept with blah after a works night out in Dec - or whatever. Being vague about it either means it's bollocks or she could incriminate herself further. I call hoax!

BolshierAryaStark · 20/01/2016 11:53

No times or places stated would make me think it was bollocks, however, her tone would concern me-I'd expect a hoaxer to sound more sure of themselves & perhaps a little malicious.

Jan45 · 20/01/2016 12:29

Never heard of hoax calls of this type so I'd be inclined to believe her, also your OH reaction is not that of someone who is angry about it.