Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

[Hushabyemountain98]

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

Hi Tinkerbellx thank you for your message.
I am sorry that you had to go through all this especially with 4 DC.
Thank you for the kind offer of your book. You do not need to send it to me as it will cost you to send it to me. Maybe you can tell me the title and author and then I can buy one?
I know just how you felt as that is how I feel now. I do not have a little girl though.
I do walk as I have to walk my dogs each day.
I try to engross myself into television programmes.
I am trying to eat now and sleep when I can.
Unfortunately I still keep crying.
The list idea makes a lot of sense.

I am glad that you are now happier than you have ever been and that you are managing. It is really hard to put yourself first after always having to consider someone else. It is really good to read that you and your children have a good life and that you are dating again.

Wishing you all the best xx

jellybelly regarding " So rather than put Husha off from going to the Dr's because 'he might not give you anything anyway because thats what happened to me' type of posts, I think its important that she's encouraged to have a health check in order to let a Dr decide how she is based on how she presents to him, not how others presented to their Dr."

I don't think I or the subsequent poster said or implied that at all..in fact we both said to ask for sleeping pills.

hush does your surgery not have acute/emergency bookings available ? Our surgery has a clinic like that and you call at 8 am to get one.

Thanks IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2.
I booked the appointment online. I will see how I feel over the next couple of days. If I do not feel any better I will try and get a quicker appointment xx

Hello there Hush, just stopping by to see how you are. I've been noticing some early flowering cherry blossom yesterday and today. Also saw three magpies outside the window at work - not something we usually see in the middle of the city. I always think it's hardest to get through difficult things in the winter and hope that you will feel strengthened by the spring as it comes. Do you have somewhere nice to walk your dogs? Xx

Hello Hush.Have you ever put up wallpaper?Just an idea,but why dont you redecorate your bedroom.Something just for you.Even if you have never wallpapered ,why not give it a try.I did,gave me something to focus on,and yes,it stayed up!!I needed something to help me take my mind off things,get me through the day.Just an idea and to let you know I,m thinking of you.

I don't think I or the subsequent poster said or implied that at all..in fact we both said to ask for sleeping pills

Yes.

Hello Chiconbeige. Thank you for your message.
I love the cherry blossom trees.
Yes I think the winter makes everything harder.
I walk the dogs through the local woods and on a large green space. The trouble is it is so wet and muddy underfoot and they get filthy everyday.
I hope you have a good day?xx

Hello again Timetosay58. Thank you for your message.
No I have never put wallpaper up. I do not feel that I am quite up to that yet, but I am going to start doing some painting soon. I am glad that it helped you. Thank you for thinking of me xx

Hi hush , I got one of those mindful grown up colouring books so I could sit down and think of something else ? , glad you are going to the doctors , I am on antidepressants and they have helped so much x

hush simple cleaning or tidying of cupboards is often a good activity too :-)

Thank you Kirk123. I did not know that you could get a grown up colouring book!
I am glad that the anti depressants have really helped you.
Take care xx

Thank you IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2 for your message.
Yes I should get down to doing cleaning and sorting out cupboards. But I am still finding it really difficult to concentrate. I go from one thing to another without finishing anything!
Take care xx

Hi Hush, just checking in on you. I'm so sorry to hear how difficult you're finding things. After reading through your last few posts I wondered if you're actually getting out and talking to people? Anyone? People at work, family, friends...etc? If not then try and arrange to meet someone for coffee or a bit of shopping or just a walk even.

When you meet your friend/family member allow yourself to talk about your situation but put a mental time limit on it and then change the subject to something else. Start trying to take your mind off what's happening and do this in small chunks to get yourself used to it. Trust me it really helps.

In the first 3 months after my split all I did was think about it and eventually I realised it wasn't doing me any good at all. So I forced myself to think about something else instead of the misery he'd caused. And it works! It takes you out of that dark place just for a moment or too. It's something you need to keep practicing at but you do gradually start to change your thinking.

Keep taking small steps Hush and you'll get there. I know it's so raw at the moment but you will get there eventually. One foot in front of the other, keep on keeping on. And keep posting when you feel it is getting too much

I'm sorry you're going through this. Things that helped me move on when my X left me for someone else were:

• Treating myself to lovely new girly bedding and cushions, so getting into bed became a luxurious treat instead of a reminder that I was going to bed alone. The cushions helped the bed feel less empty too.

• Rearranging/replacing furniture and pictures in the house to make it feel less like something was 'missing.'

• Treating myself to some lovely new underwear and pyjamas just for me.

• Cooking food that X hated and I love, eaten watching programmes X would never let me watch.

• Taking photos of little things during the day that made me smile to remind me that there is still good in the world.

• Joining the gym and taking walks to help clear my head and tire me out to help me sleep.

• Posting on threads on MN that have absolutely nothing to do with relationships! Go and suggest some names for someone's baby, tell them what you think of a dress they're thinking of buying, argue against parent and child spaces, recommend a brand of deodorant!

Adult colouring books are a good idea too.

Most of all, look after yourself. You are important.

Thank you again Angleshades.
I do not get out as much as I should as I find it a real effort to go out.
I speak to friends and family on the phone and my Sister visits once or twice a week. This afternoon I am going out with a friend for a cup of tea and a chat.
I try not to bore people with my situation for too long apart from people like you on Mumsnet. Sorry!
The thing is I am not really sure whether I should be spending money and if so what am I allowed to spend it on? Whether it should come from the joint or my sole account! I like to have lunch or dinner with our sons but is that ok?
I will try to think about something else instead of just the misery he has caused. But as you know it is so hard.
It is raw at the moment but everyone says that I will get through it. I just hope so as this is no way to live!
Thank you for your advice and support xx

You are allowed to spend money routinely as usual. A lawyer will explain your individual circumstances - because it's different for everyone. But until you're told otherwise - carry on as normal! In fact, you're most likely to be told to prepare for a long, cold winter and to stock up well!

Reality is: you can have a grace period of 'adjustment' - so if you usually spend every other week dining at the Ritz, you will have to adjust to every third week...

If you usually do your shopping at Aldi, but suddenly decide that Fortnum and Masons is your thing, then you're behaving like twat. Ex-husband - I am looking at you.

As long as your spending habits do not differ outlandishly, you have nothing to worry about.

Thank you MackerelOfFact for your message.
I am sorry that you have been through this too.
Thank you for all your tips on things that helped you move on.
The bedding is something that fellow MN posters have suggested before. I am not sure whether I am supposed to spend money on things like this?
I am in a kind of limbo as I do not have a job and I don't want it said that I spent money I shouldn't have.

No furniture has been removed. We had a lot of building work done and pictures and mirrors etc were not put back up by my Husband. Thinking back now that is because he knew what he was going to do and he thought that the house would be sold down the line.

Underwear and Pjs sound like a good idea. Along with the food and tv programmes. I really miss cooking. I will have to get back into it.

I love taking photos. Something I was always put down by my dh for!

I walk my dogs everyday.

I will take a look at the other threads on MN. Also adult colouring books.

Thank you so much for your advice and support.
Take Care xx

Thank you again WellWhoKnew.
Thank you for your advice on spending money.
I normally shop between Waitrose, M&S and Tesco.
Sounds as though a certain person that was in your life upgraded his shopping habits!!
My Solicitor told me when I saw her to carry on as normal but not to book a £20000 holiday in the Seychelles!

Thanks again.
Take Care xx

Husha, I mentioned mindfulness a few pages back and the mention of the adult colouring books further up, and taking pictures of little things that make you smile all tie in with it. And both of the suggestions made by these posters are really good advice.

This is what mindfulness is

*Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.

Be Mindful
bemindful.co.uk

In fact I didn't even know it existed until I explained to a pal what I was trying to do with myself and she said to me - thats mindfulness. I was a bit crestfallen though because I thought I'd been very clever and made it all up by myself and for myself .

And an interesting thing for me is that last night I was watching a TV show about loneliness and bloke who had gone to A&E one day saying 'I want to kill myself' was taught mindfulness in hospital during his recuperation and he now sits at his desk in the city doing his meditation 10 minutes a day. He said its the making of him.

Ruby Wax is also a great believer in it.

www.express.co.uk/life-style/health/639884/Ruby-Wax-mindfulness-mental-health-despair-treatment

I love my colouring book so much I gave all of my girls one in their stocking this year.

My Solicitor told me when I saw her to carry on as normal but not to book a £20000 holiday in the Seychelles

I'd suggest the Maldives instead. They Seychelles are so last year dahling!

Thank you again notonyurjellybellynelly.
You managed to make me laugh with you last post!!
I will look at the website and the article you put on.
I will look at the colouring books too.
Thanks again xx

notonyor - you did invent mindfulness yourself - for you :)

hush even reactive depression can be helped by a short course of the right anti-depressants. Please consider them if the GP suggests it.

My cat is the one who kept me going through difficult times. Not so much walking required as a dog

Thank you TheSilveryPussycat for your message.
I will consider anti-depressants if the GP suggests them.
I am glad that your cat kept you going through difficult times. You are right not so much walking required as with dogs!
Many Thanks x

Good Evening.
I have been out for a cuppa with a friend which was really nice.
Now I am sat here on my own and my mind is working overtime and here come the tears again xx