Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

[Hushabyemountain98]

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

Thank you again notonyurjellybellynelly.
I do not really have a bedtime routine. I fact I do not go to bed at all I lay on the sofa.
Thank you for your tips. I will give them a go.
I hope you have a good day xx

Its Sunday again and I am not doing very well at all.
I feel that I ought to e mail my DH and tell him how I feel.
That he has just dumped me and turned into a stranger overnight.
But if I do will he just ignore me again and will it just feed his ego and hers too!
xx

I fact I do not go to bed at all I lay on the sofa

Husha, You are worth so much more than that. Honestly.

So if you are not doing anything the rest of the day and you have transport how about you nip out to the shops and put together a few things to start off a bedtime routine with. You could get some nice stuff for the bath, a burner and some lavender oil for your oom, in fact neal's yard do a lavender roll on stick that you can use as well on your wrists, you could even put the oil in some body lotion and rub it into your feet. A nice book, or even a little one on mindfullness that can help you with soothing thoughts. And how about some new bedding, it doesnt have to have cost much, a set of sheets, pillow cases and duvet cover - and the beds yours.

Its the first day of our week here so Ive been doing the kind of jobs people generally do on a Monday in the UK. A bit of banking, taking stuff back to Markie's that didn't look right once I got home then I went in to see my grandson who fractured his ankle at school on Thursday. He's been practicing on his crutches before going back in tomorrow. I took him a donut and one for his wee sister as well because she's off with a bad cough and cold. and of course I had to have one as well. Then I came home and had my lunch before falling asleep watching a bit of TV. Im now going to get changed and go to visit one of my other wee grandsons. You should see him. He's a carbon copy of me, very blonde and fair skinned, and what's even funnier is that he's a Gulf Arab and when people hear his name and realise he's from here they nearly lose their eyesight at the sight of him. Mother nature does like a laugh at times. He love's Thomas the Tank Engine and I got him a pack of 3 T-shirts out the Markie's sale yesterday. They were quite a bargain and I dying to see his face when he sees them.

After that Im going to book a round of golf for later this week. Me and my pal started last year and we go once a month or twice a month. We go on the 'baby course' and do 6 holes instead of the nine cos she has a bad knee and thats as far as she can reach. Or so she says. Personally I think she just wants back to the club house for a coffee! Neither of us take it seriously and if no ones looking we cheat and take shots a few times over, oh and we never do the first hole cos she cant get over the water and she's lost her body weight in golf balls into the lake! And thats not to mention the queue of people behind us waiting to T off.

Thank you again notonyurjellybellynelly.
Thank you for your suggestions. Unfortunately i do not have a bath anymore only showers. Will look at the other things though.

I am glad that you are busy today. I am glad that you are getting to see your grandchildren. I am sorry that your grandson has fractured his ankle. I hope he will be able to get around okay. I hope the coughs and colds clear up soon.
I hope your other grandson likes his Thomas the Tank engine T Shirts. He must get a lot of attention with his blonde hair and fair skin?

I hope that you enjoy the golf later this week. It is good that you do not take it too seriously.

Have a nice day xx

Hello Hush,
I'm sorry you didn't sleep last night. Have you thought of changing bedrooms and perhaps making a nice little bedroom just for yourself rather than using the main one? Just a thought.
It's been a wet and miserable day here - designed to mak us misearble methinks.
I don't know if you have emailed your ex today? I used to write lots of cross emails but NEVER put his (or anyone's) name in the header - that way I couldn't impulsively hit send but I could have the therapy of saying what I needed to say - even if I deleted it later. I hope today hasn't been too difficult for you?

Hello louisa,

I am going to try and change our bedroom. I have not slept in our bed as I sleep on the sofa.
It has been a wet and miserable day.I think it is designed to make us miserable. When is the rain going to stop! It is terrible for walking dogs.
No I did not send him an e mail. I typed a couple but deleted them.
There is not really any point as he will probably just ignore them. He does not care what I think anyway. He is doing just what he wants and thats it. Today has been rotten but tomorrow is another day! How have you been?
Thank you xx

Hello Hush changing your bedroom sounds like a great idea. Do you like listening to the radio? When I first had to learn to sleep on my own because my DH was working away from home a lot, I used to have Radio 4/the World Service on very very quietly, or some classical music, or Radio 4 extra. It's easier to drift off than with the telly on. Forgive me if you've told us already, but do you have a job or regular weekday commitments? If so, how are you finding it? Do try to take care of yourself even a little bit xx

I'm OK thank you Hush. I'm two and half years down the line so have rebuilt much of my confidence and myself. I now concentrate on finding nice things to do each day - something small like a nice coffee or something big like a film or a meal out with a friend. Today it's been a walk in the rain with puppy and then a nice smoked salmon bagel breakfast listening to the Archers omnibus. Small pleasures.

Hi again louisa.
I am glad you are okay. I am glad that you are a way down the line now and that you have rebuilt much of your confidence and yourself.
I am glad that you are finding nice things to do. The smoked salmon bagel sounds good. I love smoked salmon.
Thanks for sharing this with me xx

Hello Chiconbelge, I like the radio. I like Radio 4 and I love classical music.
No I do not have a job. I have two dogs to look after and they are hard work.
I do not really have a proper role in life now. My sons are both at Uni. My husband does not want me anymore. So basically I am on the scrapheap. Oh! here come the tears again. Just ignore me I am just feeling sorry for myself again. I just can't bear it! xx

You are not on the scrapheap! Its a new beginning, and they hurt sometimes, but you will be much better without this man bringing you down.

Thank you bb888.
I hope that you are right!x

I hope I didn't upset you by asking - you are certainly not on the scrap heap. I have a DD and a DS at Uni. My DS intends to emigrate when he finishes which is hard. i agree with bb888 there will be new opportunities for you although I know the dogs need you - I don't have a dog at the moment because of where I live and I really would love to. One day I will! Xx

Thank you Chiconbeige.
You did not upset me. I am just so low so it doesn't take much at all. I am sorry that your DS intends to emigrate when he finishes. I hope you can get through it. I know it is not the same but at least you can keep in contact with Skype etc.
Dogs are great but they are a real tie. I did not want the second one but I was overuled!
Thanks again xx

Husha, have you been to the Dr's for a bit of well woman check up, and if not, would you consider it? Im not suggesting for a moment that you are depressed but it wouldnt do any harm to have it ruled out. I only ask because there is a particular kind of depression called Reactive Depression and its explained very briefly here

Reactive depression, which is sometimes referred to as an adjustment disorder with depressed mood, is a decreased mood state that is a response to a specific psychosocial stressor. In other words, reactive depression is a mild to moderate depression following a stressful event

Sadly you wouldn't be the first or last person to go through this, it's happened to me, twice, as a result of my husbands shenanigans which we both know are very very similar to your husbands. And thats another plus side to being on your own - there will be no more instances of being driven half mad by a person who isn't worth your mental health.

Thank you notonyurjellybellynelly.
I will give some consideration to going to the Dr again.
She did tell me to come back if I did not feel any better.
Thank you once again xx

hush be prepared for your doc not to give you very much in the way of meds - that is my experience . If you are not sleeping, then some sleeping pills can get you into a routine but they are likely to only give you 2 weeks supply at the most. I found that they would give me maybe 4 -5 hours.
You should also try to get into your own bed for some rest - if you don't have a little TV in your room I would get one. You will start to sleep better eventually - but it is that - eventually. I won't pretend otherwise. The TV is just company even if you are not watching it. There is nothing worse ( for me) than the sound of deadly silence in the house. I see you said that you like the radio.
Someone above said just do things day by day and she is right . I am still in that situation although now I have 4 days a week where I have a regular commitment so no thinking "What will I do today ? ".. Like yourself I am older and had not worked for years . Like yourself I have been left when I thought I was starting a new phase of life and part of it all is coping with that - that the future that you thought you would have has now gone or has altered. Time is the only thing that deals with this I am afraid ... I hope that you have an OK day today . Walk those dogs and enjoy them. x

Yes the same, my doctor said to me 'there isn't a pill in the world that will make you feel better right now' and she was right. My depression was down to circumstances. I was where you are now, we are different in the fact that my children are 6 and 2, so I HAD to carry on for them. But there were days when I just wanted to sleep and the fact they were so young made things so difficult as I had to tend to them rather than look after myself.
I still miss my H hugely, but it is easier to get through each day.
When you feel ready for it it's time to have that aphinany and realise life does go on, and you will start to pick yourself up and start new activities and do things for you.
Maybe ask about sleeping pills just so you get some rest, I found putting the radio on or a talking book while I tried to sleep helped me drift off after a while.
Everyone has great advice, just take each day as it comes IT WILL GET BETTER. I didn't believe anyone when they said that to me, bit it does. You will have your moment of clarity.

I might be misunderstanding something but no amount of picking yourself up and getting on with it will ever be the cure all for someone diagnosed with a genuine depression which is far different from feeling depressed but not actually being depressed.

So rather than put Husha off from going to the Dr's because 'he might not give you anything anyway because thats what happened to me' type of posts, I think its important that she's encouraged to have a health check in order to let a Dr decide how she is based on how she presents to him, not how others presented to their Dr.

We bandy the word 'depression around so much yet there is a very big difference between feeling down and saying/thinking you are depressed, and actually being depressed and needing help for it.

Thank you again IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2.
I do not know whether she will give me anything but it will not hurt for me to go. I cannot get in for 2 weeks unless I am desperate. I am also going to ask about counselling as that helped last time.
I do have a tv in my room. I will give it a try. I have the tv on in the lounge all day and for some of the night as it is like my company.
I am glad that you have a commitment 4 days a week. I hope it is something you like doing?
I walked the dogs this morning and I made myself go to the shops for a break from the house.
I hope you are having a good day?xx

Thank you Sweetsecret.
I am sorry that you have been in this position with young children. I have been there too. But this time it is different. No one really needs me, only my dogs!
Thank you so much for your advice.
I hope at some point to get there!xx

Thank you again notonyurjellybellynelly.
I think that the MN posters are all trying to help and they can only go on their own experiences. Everyone is different. I will go and see what she says. When I went a few weeks ago she told me to come back if I was still struggling. I am going to ask about counselling as when this happened some years back the Doctor recommended a Counsellor and she was really good. This is better than just choosing one from the Internet.
I am so grateful to you and the other MN posters who are so supportive.
I hope you are enjoying your day?xx

No one really needs me, only my dogs

Im so sorry you feel like this but please keep in mind that its very common for women to feel like this in general even when everything is ok in their life. Im not saying that to dismiss your thoughts and feelings but people do need you even though you think they dont. Its just the stage of life your children are at and it wont be like this forever.

Do you like scrabble or other kind of word games. If so I wouldn't mind sighing up to one so we can play online together.

I have a couple of dogs as well. Two huskies in fact. Not that Im responsible for them being in this part of the world. In actual fact I rescued them but one summer in and it was obvious that no amount of air con or walking them late at night was ever going to even make the smallest of amends for them living in this heat. And it was all re-enforced when I was in Alaska a few months ago and I saw where they should be. So since Ive been home Ive been trying to rehome them abroad and in 8 weeks they're going off to a lovely new home in Ontario where they'll live the life of riley in the cold and be trained as part of a mushing team. Its a big national park they're going to and dogs have been adopted from all over and sent to this place, they'll be working dogs, and though Im upset that they're going Im really happy at the same time. There also a bit too much for me and to be honest I think if I kept them I'd end up looking like a gorilla with my arms trailing the floor because they're so strong on the lead when we're out walking. I go down stairs every night and we have a midnight snack together, whatever I have they have, be it corn flakes, a fried egg on bread, or a bit of a sandwich, and if Im not careful they nearly pin me to the wall they're so happy to see me when I open the back gate to them. They're gentle giants, marvellous dogs, and they've helped me through many a dark time.

Thank you notonyurjellybellynelly.
Thank you for your kind words.
I have not played Scrabble for years. I did like Sudoku!
It was interesting to read about the Huskies. It is good that they are going to find a good home in a place far more suited to them. What a really kind thing you are doing for them even though you will be really sad to see them go. I know what you mean about arms like a gorilla! One of my dogs pulls like hell everyday. I think one of my arms is longer than the other one now!
Bye for now.
Xx

Hi
Im sorry I haven't read all of this but I just wanted to try and offer some support.

My marriage broke down after a similar timespan , leaving me and 4 dc .
Different circumstances but oh boy what a black place I was in.

To start with I indulged in many tears, lost weight and drank too much.
Trawled the internet trying to figure out why why why .

Then my eldest 2 had to go back to uni so I had to get up.

I ended up realising that for the first time in my life I couldn't actually do this .I visited my Gp and was signed off work for what was eventually I think about 2 or 3 months .

I bought a couple of books suggested on here from amazon - Moving On I think it was called . I can post it to you if you'd like ?

I accepted the offer of counselling even tho I knew it would be weeks before I was seen.
I slept lots and came on here lots .
I realised that I wasn't going to wake up and feel better anytime soon . I felt nothing . I didn't want to wake up . What really pissed me off was that my little girl would get in bed beside me and I still felt nothing .
I got up, fed them , took them to school and came straight back to bed to cry .
Then I started trying to do a bit of what mumsnet had suggested .
I started to make myself go for a walk .
I thought about what I enjoyed and concentrated on a bit of TV.
I baked which im crap at !
I read the books .
I walked everyday regardless .
I ate better and took some vitamins and antidepressants .
One day my little girl cuddled me again and it stirred something - just for a second, but in that second I realised there would be other seconds, then minutes , and eventually hours where I actually felt ok!

So I kept walking, eating, cut down the drinking, read some more, met some friends for coffee more , saw my counsellor , thought about my children more and started to put them right up there first where they should be.
The major things that id never had to deal with before, instead of feeling overwhelmed I wrote a list and just did one small thing a day. It all adds up and eventually you think omg ive sorted that and that and I can do this .

Don't get me wrong its no rosy story but 2 years down the line , just like many mums told me their stories on here , I am happier than I have ever been.
I have managed my own home, divorce , car and finances.
I have almost sorted out the mess he left behind.

I have put myself and my children first .
We are a stronger and happier family unit with a great group of friends who stood by us .
I put time aside each week and we go out and do stuff - we play and work hard but honestly its a good place. For the first time in my life Im excited for the future because I have a second chance .
Im dating again and I had a summer romance with beautiful also newly separated man who will be a friend for life .
I now know and understand why its importan tant to feel comfortable on your own before starting a new relationship ... I went into the summer relationship as did he knowing full well we were both hurting still, so we walked and talked and got tipsy together !

Sending you a hug ... and if youd like me to send you the book just say x