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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

978 replies

Hushabyemountain98 · 17/01/2016 22:18

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

OP posts:
Hushabyemountain98 · 30/01/2016 15:16

Thank you again Change 2013 for your message.
I will take a look at the websites and the books you have mentioned.
I am glad that you are very happy now even though it took quite a long time.
Thank you for your other suggestions. I may give the cinema a try.
It loos asthough I still have a lot of stages to go through yet!

I hope you are having a good weekend.
Many Thanks xx

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WellWhoKnew · 30/01/2016 15:44

Hello, another one hear whose husband up-sticks and off-fucked one day, 20 months ago, leaving me in a helluva mess - financially, emotionally and physically. There isn't a street in my old home town that I haven't walked or driven down crying - so don't feel you're behaving anything other than "normally" for the circumstances.

Everyone will tell you 'it does get better' and not a single person is lying to you, although your head will say "but that's you, I'm different/not as strong/something that has you believing you will physically shake/writhe in agony/not stop crying/ever laugh again.

It's the only time you're wrong, and every one else is right!

The first six months or so, or just forgotten time - you do anything and everything to get through the 'five minutes' at a time, but you won't remember that much about this period of time, except it was hell!

See a doctor for medicine, sleep whenever you can if you can, eat if you can (healthy - even better, junk -fine). Get out of the house if you can, as often as you can - but don't beat yourself if you go to bed for days at a time, or just collapse on the floor in a sodden weepy mess.

Three things I learnt:

There's no fucking housework police.

Never believe a word of what he says.

It will take as long as it takes to come to terms with it. Let no fucker tell you to 'move on' - and if they do, tell them to off-fuck as well.

Take care.

WellWhoKnew · 30/01/2016 15:47

hear - here! Still getting them typing lessons...

notonyurjellybellynelly · 30/01/2016 16:08

It will take as long as it takes to come to terms with it. Let no fucker tell you to 'move on' - and if they do, tell them to off-fuck as well

I can see you just love 'move on' as much as I do! Grin

notonyurjellybellynelly · 30/01/2016 16:13

Sunday is a perfect day to go to the cinema and I love going on my own

Ive started going to the cinema alone as well and I love it. I go on a weekday morning and Im usually the only person there. I stock up on a giant bag of maltesers and I put my legs over the seat in front without my feet touching them. Ive even been known to sneak a Big Mac in with me which is strange because I never eat a burger. The ushers are very nice and look in on me every so often and ask - are you ok mama? Ive told them if I ever don't answer its because Im probably asleep and they shouldn't worry.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 30/01/2016 16:16

Walking along the road crying. I do not think anyone saw me

If I saw a woman going along the road and crying I would stop her and ask her if she's ok and Im sure others would do the same.

Please don't feel bad or worry if anyone saw you.

Hushabyemountain98 · 30/01/2016 16:22

Thank you WellWhoKnew for your message. You even managed to make me laugh when I read your comment about the housework police!
I am so sorry that you have been treated really badly by a man who was supposed to love you!
People on here have a knack of making me feel better and of course that is because they have been there and got the tee shirt!
Thank you for your advice. I think my husband thinks that I ought to make sure the house is totally up together and then get it valued and then put it on the market so he can move on with his life with this awful woman as soon as possible. I am not doing any of that until I have to.
I am not going to make life easy for him after the way he has treated me and our sons.
Each day I think I will do certain things in the house and then the dark cloud gets me and then I am finished again. Him being here again yesterday set me back again.
Thank you xx

OP posts:
Hushabyemountain98 · 30/01/2016 16:29

Thank you notonyurjellybellynelly for your posts once again. You made me laugh too.
I think I will give the cinema a go.

Thanks it was ok though as no one saw me crying!
There are lots of people that have a lot more to moan about than I do in this world.
Thanks again xx

OP posts:
tartanbuggy · 30/01/2016 18:44

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

Hobbitwife001 · 30/01/2016 19:06

I am so sorry this has happened tartan my love, the same advice applies to you that does to the op. Read through and start your own thread if you need to. Do you have friends and family in RL who can help you too?

I am sorry to hear about your DD as well, you have a lot on your plate to deal with.

Hushabyemountain98 · 30/01/2016 19:15

Dear tartanbuggy. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
It is so awful especially as he has got together with somebody so young. Why are me so cruel.
If I was you I would go and get some legal advice to protect yourself and your children as men promise allsorts of things but when it comes to it it doesn't happen. You can get a free 30 minute initial appointment at some solicitors. You can take it from there.
I am sorry to hear about your parents. It sounds asthough he is trying to put the blame on you which is typical. I had the same from my Husband and that is just their guilt.
I think you will be surprised how much your children probably know already. I hope that when you tell you DD she will be able to cope. I hope you will be there for each other. My Sons have been a great support to me.
I know exactly how you feel about the future. There are some great people on here that will help you. A lot of them have been through it. They will all tell you that you can only deal with short periods at a time not even the next day as this is such a shock.I am not in a good place in the moment but I am trying to get there.
Just try to eat and sleep as much as you can. Do you have a supportive family or friends?
Keep posting on here as MN is a great help.

Thinking of you and sending a big hug xx Flowers

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tartanbuggy · 30/01/2016 19:20

Thank you Hobbitwife - I will read through the thread. I have friends around and I know they will be so supportive. One has been fantastic already. Family too far away really.

I can't understand why it hurts so much, even though I had not been happy for a long time. I know I was distant and grumpy, but I now feel so guilty because maybe if I had made more of an effort, or had not been such a miserable so and so, then maybe I wouldn't be in this situation now. My poor, poor children. They are not tiny any more, but it will still hurt them and I don't know what kind of support to provide to them. I wish this was not happening.

WellWhoKnew · 30/01/2016 19:26

Tartan - you will get through, although it's a very, very scary process to be thrown into when you're not expecting it. You've nothing to be humiliated about - you didn't try to 'fix' your marriage by shagging someone else - but yes, feeling like the town beacon is all part and parcel of it.

The only thing I can promise you about divorce is that it does end and life goes on. As best you can, try NOT to focus on the future too much, focus on surviving each day/moment as it comes in the early months. The future takes care of itself.

tartanbuggy · 30/01/2016 19:31

Thank you as well Hushabye It really helps to talk to people who have been/are going through it as well.

He seemed really cold and angry and when I tried to explain how he made me fee,l he got pretty angry. I am quite nervous of him when he is stressed and he tends to explode over little things. Eg, he will have had a bad day at work and would come into the house and get really angry about something dropped on the floor or something lying around. I put off telling him things, eg, if we had gone overdrawn, because I was nervous of the reaction; but he would not accept this and said he was not like that and that it was just my perception. He was never violent to me, but he had a very vicious tongue, especially when he had been drinking. I did get very nervous round him and actually stopped drinking myself because I get weepy and self-pitying when I've had a few drinks and I felt exposed and vulnerable IYSWIM.

None of this made for a very happy relationship and I actually found it a lot less stressful when he was not around. But, now that he is actually going to leave, I find it so so difficult and hurtful. Even worse that there is somebody else involved. He says that it wasn't me, etc, etc and that she was more of a catalyst than anything else, but I don't really believe that. He was out when I got in today and I just know he has gone to see her.

tartanbuggy · 30/01/2016 19:34

Comforting words, thank you, WellWhoKnew. Yes, it is difficult - town beacon is a very good way of describing it. It's only been 24 hours since he told me, but it seems like an age.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 30/01/2016 19:34

Tartan, what an awful thing to happen anytime, let alone when your daughter is so unwell.

Please dont be rushed into anything to do with bank accounts or finances until you've seen a solicitor. Its not up to your husband to call the shots - there are laws in place for that so I suggest you say to him I'll be seeking legal advice first. But you could also start your own thread and let the posters give you a rough idea of whats what.

I hope things improve for your daughter soon and that in that regard you have a bit of peace of mind and heart some time very soon. Flowers

Hushabyemountain98 · 30/01/2016 19:55

You are welcome tartanbuggy. My husband is really cold too. You would not think that we had been together for over 30 years. It is like being with a stranger. Just be careful. These men alter the story to suit themselves. If your marriage was not working there are ways to do things not to start a relationship with someone else. There is not only you but children as well and one that sounds vulnerable.
Please takecare and please get some legal advice to protect yourself and your children. It is so very hard. Sending you another hug.
Please start your own thread as the MN family are such a great help xx

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 30/01/2016 20:30

Hush I meant to mention couple of books that I read that did resonate with me - at least long enough for me to remember their titles were:

Runaway Husbands (the author survived sudden abandonment after a long marriage)
Detach and Survive (explains 'mid-life crises' and how to look after yourself)

Naturally, I followed none of the advice given, but I remain optimistic people will cope much better than I! That said, I'm not usually one for self-help books, however, being suddenly abandoned does funny things to one's head.

tartanbuggy · 30/01/2016 21:15

Thank you all. I'm so glad you're here. I will start a separate thread. Will copy and past my first post. Will also keep following this one - there's some great advice.

Hushabyemountain98 · 30/01/2016 21:21

Thank you WellWhoKnew. I will take a look at these titles.
Yes being abandoned does do funny things with your head.
I am sitting here watching 'Casualty' that we watched together for years and years and now I am here watching it alone!

Thanks again xx

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Hushabyemountain98 · 30/01/2016 21:24

You are welcome tartan. It will be good for you to start your own thread. It will keep you going especially when there is no one else around in RL. It is such a comfort. I was really going under over all this.
Take Care of yourself and your children xx

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Hushabyemountain98 · 31/01/2016 08:07

I had a bad nights sleep again with my mind going from one thing to another.
I am so tired x

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Hobbitwife001 · 31/01/2016 08:36

It is so hard to switch off, the thoughts fill your head and won't let you relax enough to sleep. I got some sleeping tablets from the doctor in the end, < they will only give you a few> as I had to work and just couldn't function.

It did give some respite for a while, I also used natural sleeping aids for months afterwards. It's a normal thing after such an upheaval in your life, things always seem that much worse when you are so tired.

Sending you love and strength, xx

notonyurjellybellynelly · 31/01/2016 08:58

Husha, do you have a bedtime routine or do you just kind of toddle off to bed because there's nothing else to do?

If not, can I suggest you start one. A gentle winding down, a lavender bath, no electronics in your bedroom, a hot water bottle, an electric blanket to switch on when you wake up in the night so the warmth lulls you back to sleep, a wee bit of a read before lights out - I used to use a head torch so no getting up to switch the lights out. And as Hobbit suggested, something like Kalms to help you get to sleep in the first place.

xxx

Hushabyemountain98 · 31/01/2016 09:22

Thanks again Hobbitwife001.
It is so hard to switch off. If you could stay asleep and not wake during the night it would be great. As once you are awake it is so hard to go back off.
I am glad that you found something to help especially as you had to get up for work.
Thank you xx

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