Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

[Hushabyemountain98]

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

Good evening Hush,
Sorry that things are difficult. I think our children have a lot invested in us being OK. They can and will support us but I think always hope that we will sort ourselves out. And when parents split up they are torn - no matter how badly a parent behaves they are always conflicted. Very hard as it's isolating for us. And that's why mumsnet is so helpful
What will you do with your room to make it a haven? I have learnt the painful way from daughter about clearing away some of the clutter and taking a more minimalist approach. My house now looks much better than it used to under her critical eye !!

Hello there, sorry you've had a tough day xxx hoping it will be nice to see your sister

Hobbit , good advice I wish I had realised I would have to dig deep and find another me which is slowly shining through , Louise I can see my kids want me better , however told dd that this has redefined me , she said I want old mum back , I said that woman who did everything for everybody has gone now , I am a woman who loves herself again and I have never dug so deep to move forward , a year on 10th since he absconded me after 31 years , the hardest year of my life but I am living , ok it's not my old life but I have peace of mind so it's good enough ❤️ Thanks to all mn friends x

Kirk, I think what you say here about "that woman who did everything for everybody" is really important. Hush said on here a few days ago, when we were talking about ironing, that she had done everything for everyone. Hush, you've also shared with us that you are a military wife, and from others I know what that can mean in terms of the impact on you and your life. You've also shared that he left before, but came back.

All of this I think tells us, together with the 30 years, why this is so, so, hard. I think what is specially hard is that he went and came back before: we are all cheering you on to get off that sofa and reclaim your room, to pack up his stuff and put it/throw it away, but I feel in my heart that there's a large chunk of you that feels (even if rationally you don't belive it) that he may yet turn, relent, return, and that what you need to do is suffer through this pain until he does.

Well, as others have said, you don't have to move forward until you can do so. When you do, I think you can be absolutely inspired by the stories that others are sharing: they didn't think they could survive, they didn't think they could ever have a good day again, but they did, even though they passed through suffering no less acute than what you are going through now.

You don't need to move forward for us, we can just sit here with you until you are ready. Just eating, sleeping, walking, watching telly, trying to connect with others. I think of you every day. I know you can't feel it or see it, but I see tiny green shoots.

Please try to throw something of his away today. Or ask your sis to help you with the bedroom challenge. If you don't, we don't mind, we will still be here.

Sorry to all my MN friends that I did not get back to you.
Thanks to Hobbit, louisa, Chicon and Kirk. As you know I like to answer you individually but today I will do thing slightly differently. I hope you do not mind.
Hobbit I know that you understand how I am feeling as you have been there.
I hope that you are right that I will come through it as you are doing. I do not really have a choice unless I give up completely. But I cannot do that because of my sons. I do not think he will want to come back this time as he thinks he has struck gold with this one! In any case I could not take him back after what he has put me through this time!
I would love to feel "normal" again. I don't mind what kind of "normal" that is!

Louisa. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on how our children feel and deal with things. You are right. Even though I would love to tell my sons what I really think of their Dad. I wouldn't. I told them both that I want them to make their own decisions and not to feel that they are being disloyal to me. But they are men now which is different than when I was in this situation before.

I am going to try and clear away some of the clutter and box up some more of my husbands stuff. I am still contemplating buying some new bedding.

Kirk. I am hoping that I will find a "new" me at some point. I still maintain that you cannot be something that you are not! Everyone has to deal with this awful situation in their own way! That is so diificult after being part of a couple for so many years, as you know!

Chicon,
You are right. I have done everything for everyone just as Kirk said too. That is such a hard habit to break. I was a military wife and have coped with all that entails. Plus the other times my husband went walk about leaving me and our sons. I did hope that he would want to come back but after the things he has said and done lately that is not possible, as hard as that is for me to admit.

I am inspired every day by the stories of survival on her. I appreciate all the support on here and I do not know what I would have done without it at times.

I am going to try to sort things in the house. Some mornings I wake up and it all gets too much for me and I worry how I will be able to do it all. Especially when it comes to putting the house on the market and eventually selling it. Plus all the other financial stuff and dealing with my husband demands and untruths!

Anyway I will close for now as my dogs are still crossing their legs.

I hope you all have a good day xxx

Try to do one small thing at a time, hush my love, that's what I did. For my own peace of mind I removed photos of us/him, and just left photos of my sons and family members. I didn't want my wedding photos reminding me of my ex's betrayal every day!
Likewise, I took all of his clothes out of the wardrobes and boxed them in the attic, they are still there, obviously he took everything that he really wanted.
Have your sister or friend help with decorating and choosing new feminine bedding and accessories. Make your room your sanctuary, not a reminder of an unfaithful, callous man.

It's small steps, but they will lead to bigger ones. I was the same as you, I just felt overwhelmed and paralysed by everything that needed to be done.
Don't let yourself be rushed into any major decisions by his bullying tactics, unfortunately I think he has been planning this, and you are way behind him both practically and emotionly. Take care, xx

As you know I like to answer you individually but today I will do thing slightly differently. I hope you do not mind

I think its great that you're going to have a go at this.

xxxxxx

Hello Hush, I hope you don't mind if I post a message on here to Hobbit.
Hello Hobbit I used to sit in your bar without saying anything, a bit like the old fella who always sits in the corner supping his ale but no one knows his name, just watching and listening. You and your fellow Hobbiteers used to keep me going at my lowest points with your wise words, tears and laughter. I was so grateful to find others who were going through the same thing.
I hope you are all well. Thank you xxx

Hello, pisco my love, I like the sound of your drink, you sound amazing!
I'm glad you found any advice on the thread helpful, that's lovely to hear. I'm through the other side now, had my absolute on Christmas eve, won't forget that in a hurry... All finances are now sorted, apart from the house which goes up for sale at the end of the month.

Mr Lycratwat seems to have lost his obsession with cycling.. Funny that...

Good afternoon Hush.
I know that the lifestyle and routines for military families can be very hard to navigate and for the spouse, very challenging to maintain your independence.
I noticed that you said that you didn't think 'he would want to come back this time'. I would (gently) challenge you to make it YOU who wouldn't take him back this time.
You deserve far better - a life spent independently is much more fulfilling than a relationship with someone who will pick you up or drop you on a whim.
I am not meaning to be hurtful - I understand that you are fragile after what has happened, but part of the healing for you is to find your buried anger, outrage and self confidence. You don't have to obey the rules of military life any longer - you don't have to accept anything that makes you feel bad, inadequate, second choice.
You have evidently been a fantastic parent (look at your adult children for the evidence) and a hugely loyal wife. There's no shame in being accepting, kind and putting up with the crap that your STBX has thrown your way - it shows great kindness, gentleness, loyalty and lots of other lovely qualities. Whereas cheating, disloyalty, going off with other women demonstrate vile selfish values - and that's what you need to see.
Sorry if that sounds like a lecture - I don't mean to. I just wonder if you've spent so long being the 'good wife' you may need some support in changing your behaviour and seeing him for the selfish twat that his behaviour demonstrates he is. xxxx

Wise words and good advise today from Kirk, Chic, Hobbit and Louisa.
I'm taking note too. Thank you x

Husha and myself have almost identical marital backgrounds even down the jobs our husbands did. In fact the similarities have left us both shocked so I think I can comment on I just wonder if you've spent so long being the 'good wife' you may need some support in changing your behaviour and seeing him for the selfish twat that his behaviour demonstrates he is

I'd just like to contribute that at no time did I put up with anything because I was being a good military wife. I was a good wife because of the person I am and I would have been the same wife regardless of what job my husband did. The person I was meant I was also a good military wife, but the military never made me into a good wife.

I lived the life I did and hoped for a happy ending one day because I was madly in love with my husband even after he did the things he did. There was just something about him......

Some people like me and Hush just dont 'get it' which is why we put up with endless affairs and disappearances by our husbands, and trust me when I tell you that living the aftermath of countless shenanigans is nothing like living the aftermath of one. Its adultery ++

I know why I was the woman I was. It started when I was born. I married a carbon copy of my father. Im one of approx 13 children. Only 4 of us have been born in wedlock. Me and my sister, and my half brother and sister born during my dads second marriage. Over the last 4 years Ive been found by 3 other half siblings all born to different mothers during the course of my parents marriage. Two of them in fact are born 3 months apart. And that even happened to me - my husband just didn't cheat with one woman at a time, he cheated with two, and I suspect a third was in the picture as well at one stage in the form of the best friend of the woman he is now with. I know because she called me and said, he's cheating on us! And to this day I dont know how I managed it but I said to her - well call this number as well because this woman should also know! It was a very accurate guess and much chaos ensued thereafter. But back to my birth father - he has owned up to the other 6 children, and I know of a set of twins who'd be in their mid 60's by now and born when he was doing his national service and put up for adoption, but just where the rest of us are I honestly dont know and he's not telling.

I think my story with my husband is known and all I can say is this - I was the perfect wife for a definitely sociopathic, and perhaps even psychopathic husband - because I was my fathers daughter. I was pretty screwed up in that I didnt really know any better about a lot of things - but I knew how to be a good wife, I was in fact a fabulous wife, and being a military wife had nothing to do with it. It all started way before then but nor really for the right reasons.

The kind of men me and Husha spent a lifetime with chose their victims with care. And yes, their other women are also victims, as are your children. But you really don't understand that till you've escaped from their web and some time has passed.

Does this make sense to anyone else or just to me?

Sorry Hobbit,notonyur, Pisco and Louisa for not replying earlier but I went to a friend of my sister as they have a craft afternoon every Saturday. So that was quite nice. They gave me a small knitted teddy for me to prod with something!!

Thanks Hobbit, I will try and do one small thing at a time. We do not have many photos out especially not of each other as he didn't like it. So I do not have to worry on that front!
I will work on my bedroom though and box up more of his stuff for him to collect. I will get some more bedding of my choice and do a bit of painting.
To make it my own space and nothing to do with him.
I know that you and others who have been where I am now have told me to take small steps. You are right like you I feel overwhelmed and paralysed by everything that needs to be done.
The more I think about it you are right, he has been planning this for quite a while and I am behind him practically and emotionally.
I hope you have a good evening xx

Thanks notonyur. How are you doing? How is your toe today after resting it?
I hope it is a little easier. Enjoy your evening xx

Hi Pisco, Ofcourse I do not mind you posting a message on my thread for Hobbit. Please post away!
I hope that your day has gone well for you and your sons xx

Good evening Louisa,
Life for the wife of a serviceman can be very difficult but you find your own routine and find it difficult when they come home and change the routine.
You are right, now I would not take him back. I cannot believe that even he could be so cruel to me!
Thank you for saying that I deserve far better.
It is very hard. My self esteem and self confidence are definitely buried. I do feel inadequate and the second choice and I have to get over those feelings. If you are told of your short comings enough you really begin to believe it.
I know that I have put up with far too much over the years.
But this time I have seen him for what he really is.
He is still trying to control the situation and will do anything to get what he wants. Including destroying me in the process.
But he cannot succeed.
Have a nice evening xx

Hello Not,
That's really interesting. I also 'know' military life intimately.

I think that what influences our behaviours is very complex - a real mix of nature and nurture as well as our own choices we make as an adult. For me, I saw the military as having a significant influence on relationships, family life etc as well but obviously it isn't for everyone.

I hope that Hush finds all of our contributions both supportive and insightful as she makes her way through what has happened to her.

And hello Hush.
Good to hear your thoughts and your resolve. Take things in your own time - if a bit of external pressure helps you move on at times, then use it.

Now - about this teddy, I hope he's evil looking if you're going to 'prod' it.

Thanks again Pisco and notonyur.
Pisco you are right. Lots of wise words and advice today. I am glad it is helping you too x

notonyur I have to go and do a spot of babysitting. I will answer your post as soon as I can xxx

Hush I am so proud of your last thread , so positive you are doing so well ❤️❤️

Have a nice evening hush. Xx

Hello Louisa, I am doing a spot of babysitting. Thought I would try and attach a photo of the teddy in question!xx

He looks a sad teddy, hush,better not stick pins in him...

Hobbit don't you even start endorsing VooDoo dolls! You saw "the one". You're my real life witness.

And hero.

Hush I've been otherwise engaged with RL - but I'm keeping my eye on you. Keep going.

Don't pretend to be strong when you're falling apart. But when you're falling apart, don't pretend to be strong. So many of us have actually walked a mile in your shoes.

In some cases: walked marathons with no shoes.

But Hobbit is the quietest hero you could ever have the privileged of meeting.

KOKO.

Good evening Hobbit. I don't know whether to take you seriously or not!
I don't really want to stick anything into this teddy xx

Good to hear from you WellWhoKnew.
I know you are busy with RL.
I am trying to be strong but it is hard when you keep getting knocked down. I think he is planning knocking me down again!

I know that you and Hobbit and others have had a really hard time.
Hobbit has been there for me from the very start.

xx

Thanks again Kirk and WTAFF. I have been busy for most of the day and evening and it has pulled me out of the doldrums! I hope you are both Okay?
I have also had quite a lot of prosecco and pink champagne xx

Hello notonyur. We found out that we had so much in common with our husbands with their careers and their behaviour!
I have investigated the word 'sociopath' before and I think that fits a certain person to a tee.
My life was totally different to yours from when I was born. I was adopted as a baby. I had such a happy childhood. My parents did not have a lot of money but I had loads of love and care and they gave me everything they possibly could. They did not bring me up to be traeated like this!

I was a good wife, mother and daughter as you were and as were lots of other ladies on here.
I did not see myself as a victim but maybe I am?
This is certainly not the way I thought my life would turn out but I have to be positive and hope that you ladies are right and life maybe different but better in the end.

Goodnight xxx