Thank you for the re-assurance. 
I never normally get into a tizzy when going away but this latest bout of ill health has lasted 4 months now, has been really intensive, and to be frank Im done in to the extent I get brain freeze when trying to work out what to do with situations as they arise. I usually have flow charts in my head and I can can suss out a situation very quickly and help him, but this time round - my mind freezes. And although we've had carers in place for 3 years now and Ive always headed them, I now find myself relying on them more an more to do things that I feel are mine to do. I just don't have the stamina for it anymore even though I don't feel old at 58, so its a bit of an oxymoron, and I think what I have is carers fatigue and a bit of burn out. Im also now very scared of my son. I jump whenever he comes near me and I can see even by his body language that he's struggling because I really am to old now for wrestling a charging rhino, even when its himself he's hurting - prior to someone else more than likely then getting hurt. I hate it when he's so unwell. Im afraid for him because of what he can do to himself, (and others) But hopefully this will all pass very soon, its usually does, but this time we've also had to do a big re-adjustment of his medication and hurts like billy oh that we've also had to do that. Because it is another indication he's getting worse as he's getting an older. Its also a time for me to get my thoughts mixed up and to jumble everything together like a load in the washing machine and to be quite honest Im feeling murderous - my husband has seen our son 4 times in 19 months for a total of about 20 mins, and the last time he saw him was last May despite being in our home town ever week for 2 days. I hate it that I sat in the Drs last week and had to listen to some pretty harrowing stuff and that my husband wasn't there to cry for our son - because you see my son deserves peoples tears. I felt so weak that I even considered calling him and saying - please come and lets do this for our son together. But I put it right out of my head even before my children, and dad, and my sons psych said - dont involve him because he has only ever been a hinder. You can do this and so can we. And I'd kind of forgotten in my moment of weakness that the week before when a friend told him how ill our son was that he said - tell Noton to take him abroad for treatment! And they're right, we can and will do it - though I do have to acknowledge that as a provider he is very good. It takes a lot of effort on someones part to put a team of 4 full time carers in place and fund it alone. But then the fact he's done that is a very good get out card 
Anyway, hopefully a month from now he'll be back to as good as it can be for him, and then we'll all be happy.
Sorry Husha, really, for hijacking your thread, but I think its always good if people are honest about whats going on in their lives. You see, we tell you that it will all be Ok further down the line but we also have to let you see that for various reasons it wont always be plain sailing - that life can and does get in the way of 'it all' and it can still be pretty shite even though you're on your way to happy days and a much better life.
My dad and my 'mum' go today, but really its my step dad and step mum who are going. My stepdad came into my life when I was 14 and is in fact the only dad Ive ever wanted, and after my mum died he remarried, and I now have a new 'mum'. He's ever so upset about my son and is also going home with a very heavy heart. But we've had a really good visit all things considered and its been an absolute joy to see my youngest daughter and her husband in action in their new house with us all their being fed and just enjoying family life. Crikey, we even got rain yesterday for about 5 hours and we all sat in the garden under the sunshade just enjoying it whilst some of us got water down the backs of our neck and sat their quite cold and wet just because we could.
Every cloud and all that
ps - no need to reply to this. xxxxxx