Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

[Hushabyemountain98]

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

Good evening louisa,

I do not think I will be able to see my solicitor tomorrow but I am e mailing her and will ask for a phone call.
You have helped by just being there. I am so grateful to my virtual friends on MN.
You are right I need to know whether he can do this.
I didn't have peanut butter or honey. I had some pate and toast!
Thanks again xx

Thank you Breadandwine for your message.
I do not have a George Foreman Grill but I have cast iron pans.
Thanks for the recipe.

I normally love cooking but lately I have lost my passion for it. Also I could not eat. I will try and get the passion back for cooking.

Thank you x

It's so tough isn't it Hush? And it seems as if there is no end to the grief. There is, but I know you can't see it at the moment.
I hope your solicitor is available for you to talk to. Keep posting on here and do ask if there are things you need to know.
Although we're just people on the internet there is a wealth of (sometimes bitter) experience which you MAY find helpful. You can of course ignore any and all advice if it doesn't sit comfortably with you - but you are not alone. People here will listen and advise and sympathise and (sometimes) kick butt a bit if they think it's needed. Sometimes on different threads I can see people 'hearing' things and perspectives that they haven't considered so do ask if you want.
Hope you sleep OK and that this persistent wind and rain doesn't get you down. More wet dogs tomorrow ! xx

Hi louisa,

It is really tough!
Yes I am waiting for the next lot of grief!
I will hopefully get to speak to my Solicitor tomorrow.
This site is great. People like you have got me through some really dark days.
We could really do with some nice dry weather. It is dreadful tonight, wind and heavy rain. Yes wet and muddy dogs tomorrow!
Goodnight xx

Hi Hush! I am so glad that you are keeping up with your thread.

It is dry and chilly where I am, and we should have a brief snowfall tomorrow.

I was wondering what your favorite foods are, and if you might be able to tempt your appetite with those? (I do hope that this question is not repetitive.)

I like burritos, and chocolate chocolate chip ice cream.

Once after a painful breakup (pales compared to yours, but I was quite young, so it seemed really big) I threw up, like clockwork, every day during my morning shower. I had never manifested my grief that way before. It was really odd! Then one day, I didn't throw up, and I knew I must be getting over it.

Someday you will wake up and think "hey, I feel much better!" That will be a great day.

Your husband's terrible revelation to you-was he cheating on you? No need to answer if you prefer not.

Hugs and Kisses from the US,

PY

Wouldn't it be fun if a group of us from this thread could show up at your house and take you for a nice walk, and then out to lunch?

Good morning Hush,
Hope you slept well?
I'm looking at a dry little dog and thinking 'do I really want to take you out into the wet muddy woods?'. He is looking back at me and saying 'yes!!!'.
The sun is slowly coming out here in London so maybe it won't be too bad.
Hope you get some help from your solicitor.
xx

Good morning louisa,

I did get a few hours sleep thanks.
Yes these dogs know what they want!
They are not thinking as we do about all the mess!
I walked mine and just made it back before it poured down.
They have filthy paws!
I hope the sun continues in London.
Thank you xx

Good Morning Pitiless Yank,
Thank you for your kind messages.
Where in the US to you live?
I hope you do not have too much snow.
We have terrible winds and lots of rain.
I like most foods normally.
I like spicy food.

I am sorry that your breakup affected you in such an awful way. I am glad that you recovered.

Everyone tells me that I will recover from this.

That was not the revelation as I already know that.

A nice walk and lunch would be good. Thank you for the kind thought!x

Sitting here crying again. Feeling so awful xx

Husha, Like Pitilessyank I wish some of us lived near enough to you to be able to offer you some company and a bit of hand holding. But instead all I can do right now is to urge you to please go and see your Dr tomorrow if its at all humanely possible. Your upset and your tears are very concerning.

On a different note - whats on the TV tonight that you might fancy watching? I could tune in to the same programme and we could watch TV together even though we're miles away from each other. Would that help you at all?

xxxxx

Hello Hush. So sorry to read that you are crying again, but that's ok. It's fine to cry whenever you want. Eventually the tears will be less and less. This awful weather just seems to add to the misery too, even though my daffodils are all nearly in bloom, six weeks earlier than last year.
Just a thought Hush - if your sons are away at uni do you think you might be able to swop bedrooms with one of them? Then you could have a new room in effect with a different bed. I just don't like the idea of you sleeping on the sofa. I'm sure your sons won't mind.

Thankyou notonyurjellybellynelly.
Thank you for your kind thoughs as always.
I cannot go to the Doctor tomorrow as I still need to get hold of my Solicitor.
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I either have appointments or I am seeing family and friends.
I have my appointment booked with the Doctor next week.
I have just looked to see whether there is anything good to watch on tv in tandem. But I can only see soaps. There is a film called The Judge on Sky Showcase at 8pm that looks quite good.

Thanks again xxx

Hello PiscoSour66.
Thank you for your kind message.
The dark cloud decended again. I went to see a neighbour for a while for a cup of tea.
The weather is awful. It keeps blowing my wheelie bins over.
The daffodils are early this year!
I could sleep in one of my sons rooms.
I will give it some thought.
Thank you xx

I dont think I can get Sky showcase with my VPN but I can say for sure that Ive seen the judge and its fabulous! Really good! Is there anything you fancy on catch up, I get the 5 main channels.

Im already half way into my second Vodka and tonic here and Im enjoying it. We had hi-jinks with my boy earlier and the vodka is very welcome indeed, as is the TV. I also had a big bowl of cornflakes with lashings of milk, and a snickers straight from the same freezer as the Vodka. If I lose a tooth on the snickers the Vodka will numb the pain so its a win win situation all round - till tomorrow

Its great you're seeing family and friends this week.

Have you seen the film Tim? It is with Mel Gibson and Piper Laurie. It is from 1979 and I have seen it before but I really liked it. It is on bbc iPlayer.
Good for you having your second Vodka and Tonic. Sorry you had hi-jinks with your boy earlier.
I hope you do not lose a tooth in the snickers bar. Don't wash it down with the vodka!

Good to see friends and family xx

Hello again notonyurjellybellynelly.
Isn't it late where you are? xx

Husha, it is late but my sleeping is all to pot right not, though not for anything bad. My daft pal has us going round the round of the golf course very early in the morning because she has it in her mind she has to improve so that means I have to improve as well!

I also have my dad here, not my birth dad, but the only man apart from my granddad who's ever been a dad to me. It means my daily schedule is all upside down and I more than happy for us to be watching the TV together.

Ps, I sound like a cliche and you'll know what i mean! Officers wife. Golf. Vodka!!!!

Hic!

Thanks notonyur.
Sorry you have to play golf very early in the morning. Can you sit in the club house while she plays golf!
I hope you are enjoying having your Dad there?
Good idea watching the tv together.
In my experience it is Gin!!!
Enjoy the Vodka though! xx

Evening Hush. Gin is good!
Did you manage to speak to your solicitor today? Were they any help?
Puppy and I were blown all over the place today when we walked. Not that he's really a puppy any longer - 6 months old today! He's off to the vets on Wednesday for the snip so he'll be under house arrest for a week until he's properly healed.
Hope you sleep well?
xx

Hi louisa,
Yes Gin is good!
I didn't get to speak to my solicitor as she was off today.
Will try tomorrow.
Oh! I wouldn't tell your puppy whats going to happen!
I hope I sleep tonight. Could do with the wind calming down!
xx

Grief is normal your not only dealing with the loss of him but what he had some too ....

My sons dad who I was with for 16 years had an affair with a 20 year old girl bearing in mind I was 34 at this time she was tall blond and pretty .... I met with her after finding her number and she called him around he sat next to me and told me he didn't love me and wanted to be with her ... This man that I loved and had a child with I no longer knew I was scared because I didn't know him because the man I loved would never do that to me ...

I lost my home my business and my car, I moved back to my parents

I can't tell you the pain and grief was unbearable I cried solid for 3 months I couldn't eat or sleep for the first month... I'd be so exsahusted so if slept one night i couldn't sleep the next this was a viscious cycle that drove me insane

I'd be sick every morning for at least a month I went down to a size 4/6 ... Then came the rage I was full of rage that much that it scared me ...I honestly wanted to kill him and I know that sounds terrible and I would never hurt anyone so he was told by my parents not to come near the house ..... Or to see our son until I'd managed to calm down

I laid in bed every night trying to contact him with this rage I didn't k ow what to do with it I ended up journaling

I couldnt shop or go anywhere because id be sobbing and have to walk out of places there where triggers everywhere...this lasted 3 solid months

I was grieving a death because that boy that I met at college and fell in love with died

What I'm trying to say to you is that you will be ok as much as right now you don't feel like it

He came to me and told me she was pregnant then he was getting married to her I had all these setbacks but they where done in the first year so it was all out of the way...

But it's taken me a long time to be ok with it all and not think about it ..... I'm not saying I haven't got on with my life in thoses years as o have I have ....but I'm now at a place where If I think of it brings brings me no pain

I believe by what he did set me free I was free to live a life I wanted and I thanked him for it...

He did me wrong but I said to him you having an affair was the best thing you ever did for me because I'm free so thank you

He hates me because I never thought for him he said to me a while after why did you never fight for me and I said because you are not worth fighting for !!

It will take time and your grief is so normal what wouldn't be ok is if you pretended like nothing happened and you were fine that's not healthy and right now your grieving normally and that a good sign

If you need any one to talk to you can message me, because I honestly know that pain feels xx

Hushabye, it's shit. I know I'm there there too. Ex left June for a girl 31 years his junior, only 3 years older than my son. We were together nearly 28 years. But the thing I'm finding is that I now appreciate that he was a total narcissist, and I'm not saying that because he has gone. I now realise I was in an abusive relationship, he never did anything for ME. I did loads for HIM, but actually in hindsight it wasn't recipricated.

I have read loads, and actually I was trying to heal him, I am now concentrating on myself and my children. (Who, btw, have only spent 10 hours in his company since Sept.) I have a new career, and will screw him for every penny when I am emotionally able to deal with it, not before, not on his terms, on mine.

The first few months are awful, god only knows how I survived. I would have gladly taken anything to sleep, but I struggled on, on a few hours sleep a night, getting up at six am or earlier, but I managed to resist the call of the sleeping pills (never went to GP thank goodness). My kids are completely fucked up, and I guess thats what got me through, not wanting them to have to deal it all on their own.

So, I'm basically saying, nearly eight months on, I'm slowly biding my time. I'm here by sheer willpower alone. I would gladly do a bunny boiler thing, but I'm above that. My kids know who I am, they don't know who he is, or want to spend time with him as he can't be bothered. He only sees them after school every month or so for a coffee in costa, he will not give up any real time for them, they know it too. I think he actually has to sneak out to see them.

I am slowly, and very slowly, starting to realise, he was and is a complete shit. I really don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know there will be karma. Meanwhile he is living in a 2 bed tiny flat, with a girl little older than his children, and I'm in the family home.

As to eating, I have lost about 3 stone in weight, it is very low on my priorities. But I do eat a lot of healthy food, I know I drink too much, at least according to government guidelines, but they are not going through what I am. I have a few absolutely fabulous friends, and actually several people have come out of the woodwork to offer support.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can't change what has happened, you have to adjust. It is not easy. It is what is, and you need to try and put yourself first. One of the most enjoyable things I've done was to take my daughter to a posh spa for a day. Worth every penny and more. Find something you can do with someone you really connect with, fuck the expense, put it on the calendar and look forward to it.

There will be masses of crap things to come, I know, he's just "accidentally" cocked up on maintenance. Don't let it get to you. Find something to look forward to. Even it's only a theatre trip. Mark it in the calendar and don't communicate with him at all, it's difficult, but I've learnt the hard way you have to ignore them, they WANT the attention, don't give it.

You have my heartfelt hugs, I won't say it gets easier, but it gets easier to deal with. xxxx