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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

978 replies

Hushabyemountain98 · 17/01/2016 22:18

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

OP posts:
Hushabyemountain98 · 04/02/2016 07:16

Thank you Chiconbeige.
I always have my iPad handy too. I must try and turn the bedroom into my space. I just dread getting in that bed. Silly I know!!
Thanks again xx

OP posts:
Hushabyemountain98 · 04/02/2016 07:27

Thank you TheSilveryPussycat for your kind thoughts xx

OP posts:
Allofaflumble · 04/02/2016 13:44

Hi Hush. Just popping by to say hello. I had a few bad nights sleep recently and kept waking up at 4 am and my mind was racing etc.

I bought some Nytol and slept like a baby.

When I broke up with my partner two years ago, I took all his stuff to the recycling or binned it. It did help. Pack up as much as you can and get him to take it. X

Hushabyemountain98 · 04/02/2016 15:02

Hi Allofaflumble thank you for your message.
I am sorry that you have had a few bad nights sleep with your mind doing overtime.
I am glad that the Nytol helped.
I got myself into a state again last night. It is the injustice of it all. I have just been dumped!
I am going to start packing up some of my husbands things as he is not coming back for a while to get it.

Thank you for your support.
Take Care XX

OP posts:
PitilessYank · 04/02/2016 16:22

Hush-I am glad to see you updating the thread; lots of us are rooting for you and we like to hear how things are going!

XO PY

Hushabyemountain98 · 04/02/2016 20:49

Thank you Pitiless Yank for your kind message x

OP posts:
Chiconbelge · 04/02/2016 21:27

Hi there Hush. You know what, I like it that you are a bit angry about the injustice. I think that's good. We are here for you however you feel. Definitely pack up his stuff. Is there a place that you can put it?

I told you the other day my son wants to emigrate. Last year he went abroad as part of his degree. He cleared his bedroom because we had someone else staying with us and he put loads of stuff in my room in an emptyish cupboard. Now he is back, his room is still very clear, and my room is still full of his stuff! You need to get your husband's stuff out of your room - and I need to get my son's out of mine.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 04/02/2016 21:32

Get on line and have a shag. Forget this Tit of a man.

Angleshades · 04/02/2016 22:54

Hey Hush, how are you feeling? Hope you've had a better evening tonight. I'm really glad to hear that you got out the other day and had tea with a friend. Don't worry about talking about it all, you're entitled to. You've been hurt really badly and of course your friends and family will understand that you need to vent about it, that's only normal.

Keep doing little things to take your mind off his betrayal. Eventually you will find something that will give you just a little smile and then as the weeks turn to months you'll find your mind gives you more of a break from him. But in the mean time you've got to keep practicing forcing your mind to think of other things when it all gets too much or too painful.

I'm just about to go into month 5 of my split from exdp and I am saying 'yes' to every invitation out. Even if I really don't feel like going. I've discovered some great friends in my work colleagues and am extending my social life beyond anything I've ever had before. I'm quite introverted and my life with dp was pretty much enough for me before the split. What a shock to the system I got when he went. I've had to force myself to get out there and be more sociable and it's really paying off. It really does take the pain away when you're sat with a couple of mates, a bottle of lovely red wine and a quiet pub corner or comfy lounge.

Don't worry about spending his money, it's your money too. Surely you're allowed money to socialise, it wouldn't break the bank and it will make you feel better if only for a short time to start with. You need to take care of yourself now so allow yourself some special 'you time' to put yourself back together a bit.

Hushabyemountain98 · 05/02/2016 00:28

Hi there Chiconbeige thank you for your kind message.
I will have to put it in another room for now.
I hope that you find somewhere to put your sons stuff rather than it clogging up your room.

Thanks again xx

OP posts:
Hushabyemountain98 · 05/02/2016 00:30

Thank you BlondeOnATreadmill for your message.
It made me laugh!xx

OP posts:
Hushabyemountain98 · 05/02/2016 00:48

Thank you Angleshades for your message.
I am feeling worse tonight because of something my dh has done which I will not go into now. It has floored me.
I am glad that you are getting out and extending your social life. I am an introverted person too and I know what you mean. It is really difficult especially when you have been part of a couple for a long time. I wish you a lot of luck with it all.
I will close for tonight as I am really upset by what has happened today. I will send you a message tomorrow.
Take care xx

OP posts:
PiscoSour66 · 05/02/2016 00:57

Take care Hush and good night x

Hushabyemountain98 · 05/02/2016 01:07

Thank you PiscoSour66 and goodnight xx

OP posts:
bb888 · 05/02/2016 06:49

Hope you are feeling better today Hush Flowers

Hushabyemountain98 · 05/02/2016 07:48

Thank you bb888 for your message.
I am not feeling better today and I don't think that I am going to be able get through this xx

OP posts:
bb888 · 05/02/2016 07:52

I'm sorry that its so hard for you. Is there anything you can do today, even to get out of the house for a bit? Or a mate you could go for a quick coffee with?

PiscoSour66 · 05/02/2016 08:18

Hello Hush, I hope you managed to get at least 40 winks.
It is so, so hard when the spineless bastards do something so selfish and nasty without any prior warning. It's almost impossible to comprehend how they can keep doing these heartless things and live with themselves. But they can and they do, over and over. I'm sure Hush that the physical pain and grief and disorientation you're feeling at the moment is huge. Like a ton of bricks on your head and chest. You have to remember Hush that you have done nothing to deserve this. You come across as really lovely and kind.
I'm sure that all your real life friends and family are totally behind you. As are your virtual mates! Eventually it will be ok, more than ok. You will hobble out of this and eventually you'll straighten out and then be walking tall.

Hushabyemountain98 · 05/02/2016 08:25

Thank you bb888 for your kind message.
I will try to get out for a while today.
Thank you xx

OP posts:
WTAFF · 05/02/2016 08:32

Just came on to say that I have been thinking about you. I hope today is better.

I know it's easy to say but I'm sure that one day you will look back on this and know that whilst it was really hard at the time, you are so much better and stronger without him. Take care.

Hushabyemountain98 · 05/02/2016 08:35

Thank you PiscoSour66 for your kind message.
I did get two hours sleep.
My family and friends are totally behind me. As are my virtual friends!
I cannot really go into what he has done but I cannot believe that he has.
Thank you for your kindness and support xx

OP posts:
Hushabyemountain98 · 05/02/2016 08:40

Thank you WTAFF for your kind message.
Thank you for thinking of me.
I am sorry to be negative but I do not think that today is going to be better.

I am hoping that one day things will be good again xx

OP posts:
PiscoSour66 · 05/02/2016 09:15

We don't need to know the ins and outs of it Hush, we just know. And I'm sure it's going to be pretty rubbish for a while longer. Don't feel bad about feeling bad. But those better minutes, hours and days will creep up on you.
I've just realised I've put the wrong lunch into the smallest one's lunchbox.
Now that will be a proper shitstorm later!

Hushabyemountain98 · 05/02/2016 09:36

Thank you PiscoSour66 for you kind message.
This last event is absolute rubbish!
I hope better minutes will come soon as I have done nothing to deserve this.
Here come the tears again!
I am sorry that you have got the lunch boxes wrong. Tut Tut!!

Thanks again xxx

OP posts:
FreckledLeopard · 05/02/2016 10:04

I've only just come across this thread. Slightly different circumstances here - my exP moved out at the beginning of December and I've gone through the worse few months of horror that I could ever imagine.

I don't know what pearls of wisdom I can attempt to offer, but the following have helped to a greater or lesser extent:

Sleeping pills/anti depressants. The anti depressants kicked in very slightly at the peak of me being suicidal and have kicked in further since. Sleeping tablets have enabled me to knock myself out most evenings as a reward for getting through the day. I'm still taking them, but planning to try and wean myself off them in the next few weeks.

Talking to people/crying on them. I've sobbed over more people than I ever thought possible these past few months. Neighbours, chiropractors, colleagues, distant friends, relatives. I've never cried so much in my life. But talking to people (and listening to their stories too - it's surprising how many people have fallen apart when a relationship ends) has helped.

Counselling. I have a really good therapist and it's been a lifeline.

Making plans. I've tried to avoid spending too much time alone as I know it makes things worse. So I try and spend as much time with DD, with friends, going out to do things, seeing people I've not seen for a while. Anything to avoid being at home and dwelling on things.

Books - I've read so much more in the last few months and found a level of comfort from different books. My therapist lent me "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing" - slightly New Age in parts but bits are helpful. I found reading Jeanette Winterson's "Why be Happy when you can be Normal" really helpful about how she fell apart at the end of one of her relationships. Also I've just re-read "Nothing Was the Same" by Kay Redfield Jamison which is a book about death and grief, but beautifully written and in a way relevant to the feelings associated with the loss of a relationship.

Um...I can't think of much else at the moment. I wish there was a magic wand that could take the pain away. I wish I didn't feel as bitter and broken as I still do, knowing that my ex has waltzed off and gone back to a "normal" life so quickly, whilst I am still a wreck of a person. I guess the silver linings at the moment are that I'm the thinnest I've been in a decade and I've realised how amazing my friends and family are. People have been so, so kind.

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