Who is aware that their DP watches porn?

[showsomeclass]

And how do you feel about it?

[Gobbolino6]

Mine does. Tbh I'm not keen, but it's not a big issue either.

[pocketsaviour]

Viridus you're hilarious.

OP
We only see each other weekends - and now I'm feeling a bit like he might be watching that and then not wanting to be sexy with me instead
Is this actually happening? Do you get as much sex as you want when you're actually together?

In my last LTR my DP and I probably both watched about the same amount of porn. He worked away quite a lot, plus our sleep schedules often didn't match due to my shift work. No biggie and when we were together we had a lot of sex.

Think a PP's idea of sending him a text was good. Or maybe you could start by suggesting you watch a film together that's pretty explicit but not marketed as porn?

[viridus]

Pocketsaviour - your welcome, happy to contribute.

[Needcaffeinenow]

I think porn can be quite addictive, there is neuropsychological evidence for this. Obviously not everyone who watches gets addicted but I have experience of a partner struggling with this in the past. I think once it starts to affect your life, as in he is choosing it over you then it is a problem. Most porn depicts these women perfect bodied and young. They show sexual scenarios where the women are mostly subserviant to the men. It must have some sort of an effect on the watcher. This is what is getting them off, then they come to the bedroom with you & you are a person with thoughts & feelings. Not just acting like some whore who needs to please a mans needs.

Anyway, I dislike porn due to the fact many women are on drugs, history of abuse, their treatment in the industry. Obviously, it isn't all like this but it is a murky world & once something becomes the norm, then people tend to seek harder stuff. I would hope my partner morally takes a stance not to watch it, but who knows. I wouldn't be happy to accept it though.

[SevenSeconds]

I don't know if DH watches porn or not - I've never asked. I don't mind either way.

[RivieraKid]

He does sometimes, occasionally we watch it together, but then our sex life is pretty darn active so it's not as though porn is replacing our time together in the way you seem to be concerned about. I'd honestly just talk to him, is communication between you usually good despite not being able to see each other apart from weekends?

[SirBoobAlot]

I hate porn for Manny of the reasons PP have mentioned. DH feels the same way about it, and I wouldn't be with him if he didn't.

OP if he's replacing intimate times with watching porn then it's a huge issue. But is this what's happening, or what you feel is happening?

[showsomeclass]

pocketsaviour I'm not saying he IS watching porn instead of being with me.. This weekend he has his daughter and we have not had sex at all but I found that on his iPad this morning so has made me question it. It could be he's just not comfortable having sex with his daughter staying - we can be quite noisy!

When he hasn't got his daughter, we will have sex at least once over the weekend - usually twice - occasionally three times. Is that measured a lot of a little? I'd like to be more adventurous in bed too.but I'm too shy to instigate it and I'm worried he finds me boring in bed :-(

[GrimyaTheFaithful]

I'm aware that my DP watches porn very regularly. Most days in fact. He's constantly sneaking off to the toilet for ages like I'm an idiot and it's not obvious what he's doing.
I hate it and we've had arguments about it in the past. He laughs and says everyone does it and at least he's not looking at the really bad stuff. I honestly don't know how to solve this and I dread every time this comes up between us because it always makes me feel hopeless.

[RivieraKid]

You say you usually don't have sex on the weekends when his daughter is there so maybe it's just that? Esp if you can be, er, quite vocal

[SuperCee7]

Mine doesn't watch it.

[SirBoobAlot]

Grimya - that sounds horrible, that he has no respect for your wishes. I'm sorry you're in that position.

[GingerNutRiskIt]

Mine doesn't watch it. We tried to watch it together a few months ago and ended up being really critical of the things they were doing and sounds they were making and it did nothing for us whatsoever. We had to turn it off and start again.

[imwithspud]

Grimya, that sounds horrible. My dp knows how I feel about porn, and when ever we've discussed it he's never made me feel like my feelings don't matter, I have noticed though that he tries to get better at hiding it, because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings apparently but I always end up finding out, usually by accident so... I'm trying to adapt a "I'd rather not know about it" approach, it's hard because I do know, even if I don't want to.

My dp constantly has his browser on his phone set to 'incognito' which automatically makes me suspicious that he's watching it all the time He really doesn't get much chance at home so I can only figure he's doing it mainly at work, in the loo or when he's out in his van and has parked up somewhere or something... I don't think he realises I've noticed, want to ask him why he has his browser on that setting to see what he says but I don't want to seem like I'm accusing him, I also don't want him to lie about his reasons either.

[Threefishys]

He's going to lie though isn't he because you've made it clear it upsets you so he's covering it to save your feelings. You can't force your partner to not watch porn to please you anymore than he can force his partner (you) to be ok with it to please him. If its a fundamental issue to you then you have one option and that's to end the relationship. If you don't wish to end the relationship then you have to make peace with the fact the your dp watches porn sometimes.

[Whoknewitcouldbeso]

I don't mind porn. My DP isn't interested as he has a low sex drive. I'm probavly more interested than him!

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

My DP watched it more before we met and he was single. He still does sometimes when he's not at my house for the night. I do occasionally too, and we sometimes watch together, but it is important to me that the women look like they're enjoying themselves and his tastes are very vanilla, so anything even remotely hardcore wouldn't do it for him.

If we watch it together he spends a bit of time finding stuff he knows I will like and invariably turns it off once I am satisfied and just concentrates on the two of us when it's his 'turn'. It hasn't made him an inconsiderate lover, in fact quite the opposite - it has opened his eyes to the things I like and although it is only a very minor part sex life, it is sometimes a fun distraction.

I'm a wobbly 40 year old with 3 DCs so look nothing like those women, however, he has never made me feel anything less than totally desirable so I don't have any qualms about him being turned on watching it. I prefer natural looking people just because I don't find fake boobs and loads of make up sexy, but if that's what he likes to watch I don't think it is representative of anything particularly sinister.

[pocketsaviour]

Sorry OP I had assumed you didn't stay there when he had his daughter.

Depending on age of the child, having sex when your child is within earshot would be a complete libido-killer for me.

If you are having lots of sex (I'd say three times is quite a lot in 2 days) on the weekends when she isn't there, and not having it when she is, I'd say the correlation is pretty strong, and probably not related to porn.

If you want to have sex on those weekends too then maybe talk about it? He may feel it's not appropriate though. Even if you're both being silent on purpose, you can't stop the bed creaking.

[GrimyaTheFaithful]

SirBoobAlot I don't feel like he cares at all about my feelings on this, no.

imwithspud Mine also had a phase of using the toilets at work. The thought of that made me feel quite unwell actually.

OP I understand where you're coming from with the worry that he is using porn to replace possible times of intimacy with you. My DP does this and then often says he's too tired when I try to initiate something. It can be very upsetting.

[imwithspud]

Three, Yep And I said earlier on I can't make him stop, it's just hard to pretend you're oblivious to it when under it all you know what he's doing. And when there's stuff we've made together which he could use but doesn't. It hurts a bit, especially when I'm not feeling to great about myself which I guess is my own issue no one else's

Grimya i don't particularly like the thought of it either really, but ultimately there's nothing I can do except pretend otherwise

Sorry to derail your thread Op, I hope you can resolve this, from what you've said it doesn't sound like are any immediate concerns in your relationship, 3 times over a weekend is fantastic, can't remember the last time I had such frequent action! Good luck

[BlueBlueBelles]

DP watches porn. Only for a wank, and it's maybe once a week when he's working away or we haven't seen each other much

He's just not good at closing his eyes and visualising stuff to wank to. I never see it, he never ever does it with me in the house etc. if I hadn't asked him outright a couple of years ago I would never know.

[BlueBlueBelles]

And no, it doesn't bother me. I watched porn a fair bit when I was younger, single, and working away. And when my marraige was shit. But honestly don't feel the want/need to (or masturbate tbh) nowadays so don't.

Because despite his occasional porn habit, DP is an incredible lover and partner. So poo poos PP.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

DP doesn't watch it, doesn't see the appeal of it.

[ordinaryman]

I’m amazed how porn polarises views in the 21st century. It is so established that I’m surprised anyone finds it shocking, let alone the potential cause for divorce. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not belittling anybody’s viewpoint here, or forgetting that each person / couple will set their own rules or boundaries in this regard. To each their own..

Back in the early days of porn films (50s, 60s and 70s) I dare say a lot of women in the industry were indeed broke, abused, drug addict and ‘coerced’ into performing. Equally, there were probably plenty of broke, abused, drug addict men too, but we never hear about them, do we? Anybody who equates liking porn to ‘enjoying the abuse of vulnerable people’ might as well chastise themselves for eating food whilst half the world starves. Do you like the clothes you’re wearing? They were likely produced by some underpaid woman or child. Some people have no boundaries... ;)

These days, porn is very much a lifestyle choice. A very large amount of it is produced by amateur men and women at home and unpaid. There are ‘webcam’ sites where people broadcast their activity for money. Then there is the old-school professionally produced and sold material. I have no proof to back-up my claim, but from what I’ve seen these days I don’t get the same ‘abuse culture’ feeling that was pervasive half a century ago.

As for “most porn depicts these women perfect bodied and young. They show sexual scenarios where the women are mostly subserviant to the men” – I disagree. Porn involves all shapes and sizes, with more mature participants clearly as popular a genre as any other and usually involves both parties ‘getting off’. Is it stylized and unrealistic? Sure. But inherently biased in favour of male pleasure? No, not from what I’ve seen.

I read a recent thread where the question was posed ‘has porn ruined a generation of men?’, or words to that effect. Does anybody here really think porn is new? Yes, it’s a lot more easily available, but it has existed for centuries. It’s carved in stone on ancient monuments, it appears in dusty manuscripts and pornographic photos have been traded since photography was invented for goodness sake. It's not a new invention.

“Porn” covers such a wide area, that it is almost impossible to ‘be against it’ anymore than one can be ‘against the internet’ as a whole. I liken porn to a supermarket: there’s loads of different stuff available, some of which you like, some you don’t, some you might even find morally challenging, such as you would seeing meat if you are vegetarian, or non-freerange eggs if you are concerned about animal welfare, etc. but you can select what you like and disregard the rest. Or indeed choose not to go in at all, but you wouldn’t stand outside protesting that it exists…

… although, then again you might, seeing as it’s staffed by broke men and women coerced into performing physical and degrading tasks which they don’t really want to do, in order to pay their bills ;)

[LaurieFairyCake]

I know he doesn't and he wouldn't