Did I push him too far?

[Tired2ndTimeMum]

I argued with my husband earlier as I felt he was being lazy. He came home from work and lit a fire, leaving me to put our toddler to bed whilst also looking after our 4 month old.

He came upstairs and kissed us - and seemed apologetic.

When I went downstairs again I left the 4 month old with him so that I could tidy the kitchen after dinner.

When I finished tidying I went into the sitting room to take the baby and bitched about his laziness. He snapped at me and kept turning the TV up louder. When I turned it off he went upstairs and got into bed with the toddler.

I turned everything off downstairs then went upstairs. I saw that the dirty nappies still hadn't been put outside. The baby was crying so I left her with my husband so I could deal with the nappies.

When I returned my husband was lying in bed holding his iPad with the baby just lying on her back on his chest screaming. I snapped and asked could he not hear her crying. He asked me the same question and I pointed out I was dealing with the nappies.

He then picked her up by grabbing her baby grow and moving her off his stomach and onto the bottom of the bed. Basically as if he was lifting a dog by the scruff of its neck.

When I saw this I saw red. I didn't really think but grabbed his throat and shouted that he would never lift our daughter like that again.

He tried to push me then hit me hard three times - all on the side of the head. I back away and he shoved me. The toddler then woke up crying. I went to lift him but my husband pushed me away (even though the toddler was crying for me).

I kept trying to take him but my husband shoved me away and said I was provoking him. I just repeated that he lifted out daughter like a dog and said I was taking both children to bed with me.

He stormed out and I took both babies into my bed.

Thankfully they are both asleep and calm.

I, on the other hand, can't stop crying.

I know I was wrong to grab his throat but the way he picked the baby up just made me see red.

My ear and cheek hurt. He shouted that I was provoking him but surely, no matter how provoked you are, you don't hit out like that?

I guess maybe I should ask myself the same question as, effectively, I lashed out first

You both are bringing out the worst in each other, regardless of fault, this is currently a toxic relationship and not healthy for a child to be raised in.

Things need to change and you have the choice whether to do that. If you don't, you're turning into someone you don't want to be.

If this thread had been the other way around there would not be one single poster who said that the op wasn't justified for hitting back. And there would be 500 posts by now urging the op to go to the police, to get herself and her children away from this man and to keep him away from them, with restraining orders if need be. But on this thread there are even posters who are justifying the op's reaction of grabbing her dh round the throat. After she'd been spoiling for a fight all night.

I would bet money that this isn't the first time the op has been violent towards her dh, but that this is the first time he's had to defend himself by hitting back. And when someone is trying to strangle you, hitting back is self defence.

Op you need to leave now and you need to leave your children with your dh because you are not safe to be around them. Picking a baby up by the baby grow is nothing in comparison to strangling said baby's father in front of it and it's older sibling. If someone, be they man or woman, tried to strangle me in front of my children they would never see me or the children again.

If my wife grabbed my throat then I'd punch her to get her off me, repeatedly if I had to. If that makes me a cunt then so be it.

It's worrying that you have to ask.

Of course you should not grab anyone by the throat.

In fact you should not grab anyone.

No excuses.

You admit to having "bitched" at him.
You turned the TV off while he was watching it
You "snapped" because your dc was crying
You grabbed him by the throat, and it took three hits to get you to back off. People who are being choked lash out as a defence mechanism, literally fighting for their life.

no matter how provoked you are, you don't hit out like that? Yet, you hit out first by grabbing his throat!

I can understand that his handling of your dc wasn't great, but I am assuming that your dc was unhurt...your actions sounds like you were looking for a fight, and you got what you asked for.

This isn't a healthy relationship.

And no, you didn't provoke him into hitting you I don't know...I think I would lash out if someone had their hand around my throat! You're not going to just stand there & be strangled & you can hardly reason with them!!

It is irrelevant if he was provoked. He shouldn't have hit you. it was in defence to being strangled, in effort to get op to stop! I'd see being choked as a justification to hit someone.

Im sure your way of thinking is correct but i can only live my life by my own set of principles. So do you think it is ok for a woman to strangle/hit a man then?

Astounding the differences to the previous thread when it was the husband grabbing the wife by the throat. What's different? The advice on the other thread I saw (her dh left after the incidentof his own accord) - she was advised to change the locks, not let him back in, report to the police asap, ring WA, not to let him pick the kids up from school, not to read/respond to texts/not to answer the phone to him.

On other threads about DV the female victim is adv to get the perpetrator to leave, there is no excuse etc...very little of that here & also posters focusing on the victims behaviour (him hitting her to get her to stop strangling him) people insinuating that it isn't as bad as male on female DV etc.

There's a difference between provocation and self defence.

There's a difference between provocation and self defence. So she has his hands around his throat & he is just supposed to hope she stops? With no fight at all...

Preventing someone from strangling you, by hitting them IS self defence.

He then picked her up by grabbing her baby grow and moving her off his stomach and onto the bottom of the bed. Basically as if he was lifting a dog by the scruff of its neck
Leave him.
And get some help for your own issues.

No, provocation in the legal sense is very far from what most people mean when they say "you provoked me".

Most people who say "you provoked me" mean 'you made me angry so I feel justified in responding aggressively'.

People who feel they were defending themselves say "you had your hands round my throat, I was trying to get you off me" they express feeling threatened and reacting to the threat not feeling justified in being violent.

Plus he shoved her after she let go and then kept saying 'you are provoking me' which is a threat.

I am not excusing her terrible behaviour by spoiling for a fight and then, appallingly, going for his throat but there was not much provoking going on IMO, there was two people unleashing violence on each other, in addition to other aggressive behaviour...

And I think her behaviour towards him was worse.

I think his towards the children was worse.

None of the responses were defensive, they were all aggressive.

What else to do other than split up if that is where your relationship has descended to.