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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I push him too far?

60 replies

Tired2ndTimeMum · 13/01/2016 22:46

I argued with my husband earlier as I felt he was being lazy. He came home from work and lit a fire, leaving me to put our toddler to bed whilst also looking after our 4 month old.

He came upstairs and kissed us - and seemed apologetic.

When I went downstairs again I left the 4 month old with him so that I could tidy the kitchen after dinner.

When I finished tidying I went into the sitting room to take the baby and bitched about his laziness. He snapped at me and kept turning the TV up louder. When I turned it off he went upstairs and got into bed with the toddler.

I turned everything off downstairs then went upstairs. I saw that the dirty nappies still hadn't been put outside. The baby was crying so I left her with my husband so I could deal with the nappies.

When I returned my husband was lying in bed holding his iPad with the baby just lying on her back on his chest screaming. I snapped and asked could he not hear her crying. He asked me the same question and I pointed out I was dealing with the nappies.

He then picked her up by grabbing her baby grow and moving her off his stomach and onto the bottom of the bed. Basically as if he was lifting a dog by the scruff of its neck.

When I saw this I saw red. I didn't really think but grabbed his throat and shouted that he would never lift our daughter like that again.

He tried to push me then hit me hard three times - all on the side of the head. I back away and he shoved me. The toddler then woke up crying. I went to lift him but my husband pushed me away (even though the toddler was crying for me).

I kept trying to take him but my husband shoved me away and said I was provoking him. I just repeated that he lifted out daughter like a dog and said I was taking both children to bed with me.

He stormed out and I took both babies into my bed.

Thankfully they are both asleep and calm.

I, on the other hand, can't stop crying.

I know I was wrong to grab his throat but the way he picked the baby up just made me see red.

My ear and cheek hurt. He shouted that I was provoking him but surely, no matter how provoked you are, you don't hit out like that?

I guess maybe I should ask myself the same question as, effectively, I lashed out first Sad

OP posts:
Offred · 14/01/2016 00:39

There is no coming back from a violent incident like this, especially in front of DC.

For their sake you need to split up.

Offred · 14/01/2016 00:44

And no, you didn't provoke him into hitting you. Just as he didn't provoke you into grabbing his throat.

You both chose to escalate petty frustrations into violent aggressive behaviour in front of your two children.

PitilessYank · 14/01/2016 00:47

You both sound overwhelmed. The baby/toddler years can be really difficult.

Men and women often respond differently to babies crying. I used to panic and do virtually anything to calm them, whereas my husband was much more able to tune it out. I guess that is probably evolutionary biology at work.

I don't know what to say about your incident though, although if I think about it, my very calm, peaceful husband might throw a reflexive punch my way if I were strangling him.

bbpp · 14/01/2016 01:29

I've seen people lift babies by their baby-grow loads, as long as he didn't fling her about I don't see the issue. I mean, it's okay to not be happy about it if it seems unsafe. It's okay to say 'Don't do that' and pick up your child. It definitely, DEFINITELY, does not require you grabbing him by the throat? That's ridiculous.

You're both aggressive and angry and abusive. Split up because you're going to live a life of misery, traumatizing your children.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 14/01/2016 04:55

I do tend to think that if someone else 'started it' by putting their hands around my throat, I would be within my rights to react in any way nnecessary to get them off.

And I would also prevent someone who had put their hands around my throat from picking up a toddler, whether the toddler was crying for them or not.

TooSassy · 14/01/2016 05:36

Goodness OP.

This is NOT ok. He could be lazy, rude etc etc. NOTHING justifies

TooSassy · 14/01/2016 05:39

...you grabbing someone by the throat. You do realise that? Certainly not this circumstance.

You both need help. Did you have him by the throat as he was trying to get you off?

Oh and I'd be pushing someone away from my toddler who had just physically assaulted me. While I was in bed with a baby and a toddler.

You are incredibly lucky he didn't call the police.

You cannot live like this. It sounds bloody awful. Your poor DC's.

wannabestressfree · 14/01/2016 05:41

Sorry you don' t come out of this well. I agree with sassy.

HelpfulChap · 14/01/2016 05:45

It is irrelevant if he was provoked. He shouldn't have hit you.

Good luck.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/01/2016 05:46

The baby wasn't in danger so there is no justification for you assaulting him. You weren't protecting your baby you were lashing out in anger. You're both at fault and both dangerous to your children and each other while you are together.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 14/01/2016 06:29

HelpfulChap I think if someone has their hands around your throat, it's perfectly reasonable to do anything necessary to remove them.

Putting hands around someone's throat is seen as a major red flag in terms of dv.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 14/01/2016 06:31

Unless you're just subscribing to the sexist narrative of 'man should not hit a woman'.

I prefer to think that a person should not assault another person. Getting someone off you who is assaulting you, though? Well anything goes.

HelpfulChap · 14/01/2016 06:46

Well, if not hitting a woman makes me a sexist then so be it. I'm flawed.

She said she had her hands around his throat. Was she trying to strangle him or kill him? There is a difference no?

Over reaction on his part.

HelpfulChap · 14/01/2016 06:48

I never thought I would be called a sexist because I would never hit a woman.

You live and learn.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/01/2016 06:54

Was she trying to strangle him or kill him? There is a difference no?

Not really, no. Accidentally killing someone through strangulation is very easy.

It is sexist to excuse a woman's violence and condemn a man for the same act.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 14/01/2016 06:57

The op didn't qualify the level of force she used.

Why is it ok for her to put her hands round his throat, but not ok for him to push her away and then hit her if she continued?

What would you say if it were him putting his hands around her throat?

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 14/01/2016 06:59

And I didn't say you were sexist, I said you were subscribing to a sexist narrative.

HelpfulChap · 14/01/2016 07:00

Fair enough.

I'm too old to change my ways. If a woman was actually trying to kill me I might reconsider. Otherwise no.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 14/01/2016 07:03

One of the reasons that dv against men by women isn't taken seriously is the idea that it isn't as bad or women aren't strong enough to do any harm.

Whenever a woman posts on here saying her h put his hands round her throat she is advised to seek help from women's aid and warned that it's serious. No one suggests she shouldn't have hit out in response.

That's why it's a sexist narrative.

HelpfulChap · 14/01/2016 07:13

There are a lot of extremely eloquent and highly intelligent women on MN. Actually a bit intimating for someone only educated to CSE level ;-)

I would struggle to argue against your points with any real ability.

Im sure your way of thinking is correct but i can only live my life by my own set of principles.

They have served me well for many many years and I am sticking to them.

WildeWoman · 14/01/2016 07:29

Did he hurt or injure your baby? Did you feel the baby was in danger?

Why did he pick the baby up in such a way? What part of the baby-gro did he pick? Two hands? Was baby cradled? Head protected?

BTW - the main event aside, you were being completely irrational all evening! If I came home from work, lit a fire, spent time with my children and was met with an out of control banshee, I would have been out the fucking door to start with.

There is something very wrong here. You need serious intervention. Immediate urgent extreme intervention.

Fidelia · 14/01/2016 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PotOfYoghurt · 14/01/2016 08:26

Astounding the differences to the previous thread when it was the husband grabbing the wife by the throat.

RedMapleLeaf · 14/01/2016 08:36

What's different?

RealityCheque · 14/01/2016 08:53

"Offred

And no, you didn't provoke him into hitting you. Just as he didn't provoke you into grabbing his throat.

You both chose to escalate petty frustrations into violent aggressive behaviour in front of your two children."

Errr. OK. Hmm

If being grabbed by the throat isn't provocation for hitting (note that OP does NOT say punching) someone then I don't know what is.