devastated and can't cope

[Mypubesarestraight]

My dp left me yesterday after 18 years and 3 Dc together.

He did all this while I was in work. I came home to 3 upset children and I just can't cope.

He said he needs a few weeks to think about what he wants and if he still wants to be with me.

I have removed my Facebook so I can't see any posts or pictures that his friends will post (twats) and I've deleted his number.

I don't know what to do.

How are you feeling today OP?

My experience was that i didn't understand, and that's the thing, you CAN'T understand, so don't try. I wasted time, weeks, months, years trying to understand someone who I didn't know anymore.

I agree with this.

Part of this is accepting incomprehensively bad behavior from someone you have trusted for so many years and you will drive yourself mad trying to rationalise it.

I hope you're coping okay this morning OP.

I'm still the same. I'm just beyond devastated. Words cannot describe how I'm feeling.

I just want him to come home.

I know how you are feeling and that feeling is made worse by the shock. When a couple agree to separate that feeling of shock is not there. When one partner just walks out suddenly, the loss is accompanied by the shock, which is why it is a full on grieving process.

You will grieve for him as if he had died, because the sense of loss is the same. I had some wonderful advice on here from people who had been through it.

Are you talking to people in real life? Can a friend come round to see you or stay with you, or a family member? It helps to have company.

I was totally shocked and devastated when XH left. I was heartbroken, I thought I would never get over it. People can tell you as much as they want that you will get over it, but you cannot see it, I know that.

You will though, trust me. I was at rock bottom and thought I would never get up again, but I did slowly but surely and so will you.

Please try and spend some time with your friends though to get some support through this.

I know when you read people saying it becomes good eventually you will probably think they didn't love or need their DP as much as you do (I did) and I thought I would never, ever get over it or feel better.

The first few months I was in shock. I remmeber a few nights just sitting awake in silence the whole night on a chair staring at the wall. Didn't eat and couldn't really speak properly or be a Mum. I think i just ceased to exist and the pain was so bad I wished I was dead. Not for a day or two, but for months and months and I think I took it harder than anyone.

It was a year of hell, honest hell on earth where I just could not compute that he had done it and kept feeling like he would come home. Attempts to talk to him resulted always in him showing no compassion and acting like it was my fauly which further unravelled my psyche.

I read somewhere that trying to understand the behavior or some people is like trying to smell the colour 9. I agree with that. Sometimes it's just what people do and you have to learn acceptance.

Your DP might come back...it's only been a few days...but looking at the gym and his behavior I reckon he is a selfish twat. And if you sit back now and honestly evaluate the possibility that he is a selfish twat you will probably see he has always been in subtler ways a very self centred human being.

It took me about two years before I was able to take my ex of a pedestal and realise that while he was a loving and giving partner in billion diferrent ways he was also always the most seflish person I had ever met, who his it very well under the guise of being a nice guy.

I turned myself inside out and black and blue trying to understand fix or put right what he had done and the truth is that it is beyond your control sometimes in life.

There are certain statements that are unquivably just true.

1. You get over anything with enough time.

1. Any DP worth having does not do this - simple fact

1. When people behave like this is has fuck all to do with you and everything to do with them.

No one can stop you feeling awful, and grieving and crying and feeling the pain but it will go on for much longer if you fight the acceptance part or try and blame yourself or understand.

I can't ever truly regret the pain I felt. It was part of the love and commitment i had to him and our family and i had believed he loved me with all his heart and we would grow old together. i would not be human had I not felt that pain so acutely and so deeply and although it was hellish it was part of life.

What i do regret though, are a few things.

1. Blaming myself allowing what he did to affect my self esteem

1. Not realising right off the bat that he had abaondoned me and become my enemy and not my teammate and protected myself financially and otherwise.

1. Not telling him to fuck off. Like immediately. Telling him to FUCK OFF and kicked his ass out the door if he wanted to go.

Find your strength.

Find the fucking strength inside to KNOW that you (and no one) deserves to have a DP of 18 years do that, and get angry. Get so, so, so, so angry and let that anger be the emotion that protect YOU from the attack. Because you are the precious one. You and the kids.

I am a few years on, and I went after he left from fat, frumpy housewife with no life outside of him to a bonafide hottie with the most fabulous life, friends, excitement, gorgeous boyfriends, dates, holidays, my dream career and I never once, not even for a moment miss him. I thought I would love him until I died and it took a long time for that to die off but it did. If he showed up at my door now I would laugh and close it in his face and go back to whatevr I was doing without a second thought.

Believe me, your next chapter is going to be an exciting one, and you are strong enough (MUCH stronger than he is or will ever be) to use this experience to make you into an uber version of the woman you were before.

Oh OP, you poor thing. I am so sorry you're going through this. I too have been down this road, very similar story to Mildred (but with bells on) and it's shit, it really is. It turned out that my now ex-h had somebody else, despite denying otherwise for a long time. He as also on steroids which do very strange things to people. It is a huge shock when the one person you love and trust shits on you in such an horrific way. I felt like you did, thought I was going to die with pain. Nearly 2 1/2 years on, I am in a much better place, I can't lie and say I am over it, but I am definitely nowhere near how I was. I can also see my ex and his vile OW for what they are - utterly utterly evil and that he is best removed from my life. Life is and will continue to be infinitely better without him.

I know you probably don't want to think about this at the moment, but please seek some legal advice or at least visit the CAB. Remember he is one step ahead of you and may be doing all sorts of things you're not aware of. My ex had sacked me from our business, cut off all services to the house and stopped paying the mortgage before he even told me he was leaving. I found myself with nothing overnight, zero. He paid dearly for that, the twat. It is really important that you safeguard the security of you and your DC's. Also, make sure the school know what is going on so that they can support them and surround yourselves with RL friends...you will need it and appreciate it.

I know you've got a hard road ahead, but I promise you with all my heart that you will get over this in time

I just spoke to his brother (we're close) and dp has been locking himself away in his bedroom and not really speaking.

I can't blame dp for everything, I have horrendous depression and it must take its toll on him.

I'm going to fight for him, I love him with all of my heart.

Oh lovely - my Dad did the same thing. We were all convinced he was having some kind of nervous breakdown, my mum (who had been married to him for 35 years) said she would do anything, she begged.

So he started "dating" her again, treated her like shit then dumped again after a few weeks.

Turns out he had been having an emotional affair (we didn't find out for some years) and he wasn't having a breakdown of any sort he was just (understandably) feeling incredibly guilty about what he was doing to my mum. But not enough to change his mind. He struggled with himself behaving like a shit but did it anyway.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand you wanting to fight for him, but try to keep in mind that this may actually be what he wants, even if he feels bad about it.

Hi Op I appreciate you are close to his brother but he will be there for his brother.

You need to do what you want. You are going to fight for him. Good. Can I just ask what he is doing to fight for you and his marriage? Nothing I would guess. Is this a good sign for someone you want to be with? You want a man that will fight for you not curl up in a bedroom and feel sorry for himself. You deserve better than that. Skyre speaks a lot of sense. She has been there like a lot of us. We all loved those men. We all thought we would be with them till death. Infact we didn't even think about it as it was assumed. Yet time and time again on here it happens. I'm so sorry OP but look after yourself and your family and try to stay calm.

You can't fight for your marriage on your own, the only thing that you might do with that is to prolong the uncertainty and pain. You moving on and getting to the place where you are feeling positive and happy again will give you the best chance of him wanting to come back, but the 'risk' of that is when you do fond yourself again you might decide you wouldn't want him anyway.

I suffer from severe depression and I understand why dp would just walk away.

I clung to him constantly and was controlling. I need to stop doing these things.

It got to the point where I would only leave the house to go to work.

OP, I know you want to fight for your DP and it's clear you are looking to blame yourself; mentioning the depression etc. There is no excuse for the way he's behaved though. People break up, yes, and that hurts like hell too, but the way this has been done is despicable. Nothing you could have done excuses that. You don't walk out on someone when they're at work.

We can't change your mind about what you want to do but we can urge you at the very least to have some time before you act. It's hard to think something through when the very second you wake up it hurts but with a bit of time you might view the situation differently.

I know it might not seem like it, but you're doing really well.

Please see relate to help you make sense of things. You are shouldering the blame for his twattish behaviour.
This is not your faukt. Plenty of people have depression or other issues and their partners cope.

Woke up with awful tension all over my body.
I'm trying not to cry but it's so hard.

He just won't speak to me which is making it harder. Our relationship was no picnic but we loved each other.

Crying can be good sometimes, it might help to let the tears out, if you can find some space to do that.

Oh OP

1 in 5 people gets depression or anxiety at some point in their life. All the more reason for your DP of 18 years to stand by you and support you. Not leave you while you are at work.

This is partnership and what love is.

Please don't sit there and allow your head to redirect blame for his twattishness at yourself.

This is not your fault.

I feel like I'm having a breakdown.

You can get through this, and you will. Focus on taking it one little bit at a time. But focus on the future being you and your DC, and getting strong with that in mind.

I am not suprised if you were already suferring from depression. It's a terribly cruel thing that has been done to you, and if you are depressed you will likely have a medical condition that actually causes you to feel hopeless, worthless and to blame for everything.

It's really important for you to get some RL help now OP. Can you phone the doctor? Do you have a best friend or a sister or someone very close that can make you feel basic comfort.

Please don't allow this stressed feeling to escalate. If your DP is to come home, it can be sorted out. Nothing is final but it is very important for you put yourself first now. You are the victim and injured party and HE has to fight and work to get YOU back and YOUR trust.

NOT the other way around

There's a common theme I. threads like this with posters saying things such as
"We had our problems but thought we were ol"
In the ops own words
"Our relationship was no picnic"

I said similar when my marriage ended.

I hate now been with my 2nd DH for 10 years and I honestly could not use any expressions such as that.
We get along, support each other to achieve what we want in life, share chindcare and household chores.
We laugh, have fun, sex is still good.

To me and most people that is normal.
If you have to make excuses for your relationship or make do then it's not going to work and is not worth wasting time over.

Read "listen up people" in relationships to elaborate on what I am trying to say.

I hope you are feeling stronger OP.

I am 4 weeks in and starting to feel a little better. Still not eating but as the days go by I feel a bit more normal. The DC's seem to have taken it all in their stride which is helping though.

My dc are so upset. My youngest cries herself to sleep every night.

I'm not on sertraline for depression and signed off work. I'm not eating or sleeping.

I'm a complete mess but I'm trying to hold it together for the kids.

I am on sertraline ffs

I bet you are doing much better than you think.

I know I am only a few weeks in, and many of the posters on the thread have been going through this much longer, but I am getting to the point now where I am starting to feel resentment. My DH was texting another woman who he thought he had more chemistry with. He has managed to turn it all around onto me, that its all my fault. Then he tried to play the 'Maybe we could fix things but I don't know if its too late' card, making me spend the last 4 weeks trailing round after him, hanging on his every word, while he tells me all the things I need to change, which I agree to like a dope.

Now I am starting to think FU! I don't know if I need someone who would treat me like this, tell me they want to leave 4 days before Christmas, in my life.

You will get stronger and it will get easier I promise.