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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

devastated and can't cope

131 replies

Mypubesarestraight · 11/01/2016 19:55

My dp left me yesterday after 18 years and 3 Dc together.

He did all this while I was in work. I came home to 3 upset children and I just can't cope.

He said he needs a few weeks to think about what he wants and if he still wants to be with me.

I have removed my Facebook so I can't see any posts or pictures that his friends will post (twats) and I've deleted his number.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Mypubesarestraight · 13/01/2016 17:39

I seem to be getting worse. I had half a banana before and lots of coffee.

I can't stop crying. I just want this pain to stop.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 13/01/2016 17:53

MyPubes you are in a state of physical shock, I'm not surprised you feel ill, he on the other hand has had weeks to prepare. Please think about going to see your GP, you need some support and help at the moment. You have no option but to stay strong for your children unlike the coward who has walked out.

Take what AnyFucker says seriously, there is likely to be an OW in the wings.

Find your anger, get legal advice and start a CMS claim.

TooSassy · 13/01/2016 18:50

OP, I'm another one who thinks you should get to your GP. Please. They've seen this and far worse. They will be able to help you.
Well done for eating something. Try again. Biscuits worked for me. Jaffa cakes bizarrely.

Is your mum still with you?

It's going to get better. The first week is the WORST. And it's passing day day by day.

Ledkr · 13/01/2016 19:45

Definitely see your gp. It's shock yes, they may be able to help you out.
It really does get easier, I remember that pain as if it were yesterday.
Tick off these days. They are nothing days.

skyeskyeskye · 13/01/2016 20:09

My I went to the doctor and was put on Anti Depressants. My doctor was brilliant. I explained what had happened and how I was crying all the time and not eating and said that I needed to carry on functioning for my then 4yo DD. She prescribed Citalopram and explained that I wouldn't be on it forever, just as long as it took to get me through everything, including the divorce.

She could see that I was shaking, crying, in a complete mess and she wanted to help me. She explained that it was no different to taking any other medication, you take it because you need it.

I never push anyone to take them, but it is worth considering. They help you to feel "normal" again and able to deal with everything.

The pain is indescribable but it will get better I promise. You are in a state of shock at the moment. I went round and round in circles discussing everything with friends. Why did he, how could he, if only, and so on and so on.

Your H has had time to make this decision, he has already moved on and in his head he won't be able to understand your pain, nor will he want to see it because it will make him feel bad and he won't want that.

There might be an OW, there might not be. People who use steroids can undergo a complete personality change. But either way, whatever has caused him to do this, you have to put yourself first and look after yourself. Eating half a banana is great, it's better than nothing. Drink plenty of water to keep yourself going. Biscuits, as suggested, are also good. Little and often, even if you don't feel like it, but it will keep you going.

It's early days, but it's not about him any more, it's about you and what you want. My XH did the same "I might feel differently in 3 or 6 months" like I was expected to sit around and wait for him to decide.

Please look after yourself and visit your GP if you feel that low.

Itisbetternow · 13/01/2016 22:01

Skye gives good advice. We both went through the same at the same time in 2012 and I followed Skye's story on MN and it really helped me as I was going through the same. Both had OW. Now 4 years later / I cannot believe I got through those dark days but me and my little unit did. I'm still single but you know what most of the time I'm happy - really happy. You will get there too. Just take little steps. Keep posting you are doing so well.

Mypubesarestraight · 13/01/2016 22:18

I don't feel like I'm doing very well.
I now have the shakes and I feel so tired.

OP posts:
Itisbetternow · 13/01/2016 23:07

Can you have a cup of tea with sugar? Try to get some sleep. You and your children will be fine it just takes time and is a huge shock.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/01/2016 09:39

Try not to drink too much coffee and do it earlier in the day.
You no doubt have the shakes from too much coffee and not enough food.
I hope you did manage to get some sleep.
This is a truly awful time.
Unless you've been there no-one can understand it.
But trust us all when we say that you will get through it.
For now take it one hour at a time and get through the day.
Lean on friends and family.
Again, get to your GP and talk all this through.

TooSassy · 14/01/2016 17:40

OP just checking in. How you doing today?

Mypubesarestraight · 14/01/2016 17:58

I got sent home from work, went to the doctors and collapsed in the car park.

I've eaten a few grapes and some toast.

I have this ache all over my body that I can't shift.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 14/01/2016 18:23

What did the Dr say love?

Mypubesarestraight · 14/01/2016 18:24

She gave me some tablets and is referring me to see a councillor

OP posts:
Ledkr · 14/01/2016 19:33

Oh that's good.
Can u take some time off and just home in with the kids? Cuddles, films and chocolate?
Nurture yourself, you've had a horrible shock.
You can't see it now but you have so much to live for, life will be fun and happy again soon.
Get through these vile days and look forward to what life has in store for you,
I have ended up far happier and fulfilled than ever before.

Mypubesarestraight · 14/01/2016 20:10

I'm off work for a few days to get my head together.
I feel so empty and full of dread.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 14/01/2016 20:48

I know. I remember.
ITs hard to believe it when people tell you it gets better.
Have u good friends to surround yourself with?
I didn't like being alone, everyone is different.
Rescue remedy might help a bit.
A good box set to take your mind off it?
Do whatever you can to get through the next weeks abd then one day you will realise the pain is less, or you haven't thought about it for a bit. Then every day is easier.
Remember too that this is his inadequacy and immaturity and not your fault.

DragonsCanHop · 14/01/2016 21:12

Did the Dr give you a couple of weeks off work? Take time to take care of yourself.

Mypubesarestraight · 14/01/2016 21:32

No my boss gave me the time off.

I just hope he's hurting as much as I am.

OP posts:
LobsterQuadrille · 14/01/2016 21:59

The time he will really hurt is when it becomes apparent that you are over the worst, that you are feeling better and that you and the DC are doing just fine without him. And this will happen. While you are still longing for him to be back, he will feel in the superior position, wrong though he is to feel that. Just another incentive for you to carry on as you are doing .....

You are doing fine. Keep eating little bits at a time, keep in contact with friends and family, keep talking to your DC. Try to sleep if you can but, rather than lying there watching the clock, get up and read/watch something if you really can't sleep. I used to clock watch and it's soul destroying.

mildredbogeywoman · 14/01/2016 22:27

My I agree with what Skye said. When people do this "out of the blue" it is not so out of the blue for them. They have had a while to deal with it so you have to play catch up. They are utter cowards to do it when you're not there to spare themselves an uncomfortable confrontation.

It happenned to me (not such a long marriage but long enough) a while ago but in our case honestly as far as I knew we were getting on beautifully and thought I had the happiest DP you could get.

I never had a chance to talk to him or get an explanation properly or even to catch my breath. He fucked me financially and within a few days I found myself unable to pay for anything and having to borrow money from Mum and Dad. He'd planned it all, took care of himself and went from loving partner to someone who didn't give a fuck about me. He was just able to amputate me like I had never existed.

I won't lie, it hurt and was hard but my life a few years on is now so much better without him. The passage of time made me see things diferrently and life is now much fuller, much more vibrant and I came back to life.

I know you can't believe it now, I know you feel life is over, but I absolutely promise you - you CAN do it and the new life will one day be much better than the one you had before and you will look back at these times and smile.

I agree with what AnyFcker said. Brace yourself that he is with someone else or wants to be. It's no reflection on you, he is just a total penis who is scared of growing old anf probably feels like abdicating his life and starting a new one with his fake muscels will be like a new life. He will have convinced himself he deserves this and he is the victim and he would have blamed you for all of it in his head. That's how these selfish little twats work- but in time I absolutely promise you - YOU will come out on top and be laughing.

TooSassy · 14/01/2016 23:36

Op.

So so glad you went to your GP. Well done.
Keep eating small amounts and regularly.

Baby steps.

Try and stop thinking about him and focus on you and your DC's. As many other PP's have stated, he is way ahead of you on this emotionally and he's not in the space you are at this point in time. But that's ok.

Another day down. It's going to get better.

How are your DC's doing?

skyeskyeskye · 15/01/2016 00:31

I'm glad your doctor is helping you. Counselling will help. I had a lot of it at various times over the past four years and it has helped me a lot.

As Mildred says, he will no doubt blame you for everything. They do that so they can be blameless. Don't take any shit from him.

We can all tell you it will get better because we know it will, one day. But we also know the pain you are going through. Please talk to your friends, talk to us. I spent every night on Facebook and on MN for company and support and it helped so much.

It's very early days for you. Just take it a day at a time and keep posting for support.

TooSassy · 15/01/2016 07:13

Morning OP. Checking in again.

Did you get some sleep?

Gobbolino6 · 15/01/2016 09:54

How are you OP?

imjustahead · 15/01/2016 10:20

just to say it happened to me, very similar to Mildred's story too.

OP, you are in shock and some of us here have been there, know it's beyond awful, and are still standing.

However it goes for you, you WILL remain standing, for your kids. You won't feel like it, but you will do it. I would like many, have to say there is probably someone, who has flitted into his brain and has made him think, hey what am i doing, i suddenly don't want to be a responsible person.
My experience was that i didn't understand, and that's the thing, you CAN'T understand, so don't try. I wasted time, weeks, months, years trying to understand someone who I didn't know anymore.

Do NOT do this. Keep that tiny bit of energy for yourself. You're a capable, lovely mum dealing with four people's hearts right now. xx

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