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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just walked out

233 replies

expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 19:44

We had another row. He left around 6.

Came back in briefly. Wouldn't take his jacket off when DD1 asked him to.

Said he'd 'Had enough of your (mine) shit' and walked back out.

Last week we had a row that went awry pretty badly.

I put some clothes out for him.

I'm sick his temper.

Of course, all the arguments are my fault. I don't listen. I talk over him. Etc. Etc.

Luckily tomorrow's my last day at work before the holidays so I'll be able to sort out childcare for hte new year.

But that's me single mum of 2 for now.

He wouldn't even talk to DD1. Of course, I'm sure that's my fault, too.

OP posts:
Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 11:07

Really not worth the hassle, IME, charlie. Wouldn't make THAT much interest.

Have to fill out forms, get all those damn award letters, police it all.

B*llocks to that.

I had to do all hte policing b/c DH's dyslexia is so bad.

They're crap and they've screwed over tens of thousands of people.

I saw someone on a BBC show who had to sell her house to pay off the debt she racked up when they cut her off.

OP posts:
Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 11:09

Oh, yes, wrapping! That's the beauty part.

When they FINALLY admitted it had been their mistake and wrote off our 'debt', they gave us £100 of compensation.

LOL!

I should have bought a bottle of champers w/it.

Yes, they just cut them off.

Do a search on tax credits here, you'll find tons of members who've had the same thing happen to them, including single parents who then couldn't pay their childcare and had to go back on the dole.

OP posts:
wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons · 19/12/2006 11:14

Oh I have seen some of the threads before expat. It happened to us. But for us it was all fairly insignificant amounts - I think we were getting paid £50/month when it should have been £20 or something so then they just stopped it. Or at one point they were paying £6, so that left me with just over £500/month to find for childcare. Really useful that £6!

It does all add to a picture of a very stressed life though doesn't it? How long do things need to be like this? Will you be able to change things when DD2 turns 3?

Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 11:15

DD2 is 1 now and we won't be having anymore.

Can't afford to.

OP posts:
piglit · 19/12/2006 11:16

Just wanted to add my virtual support expat. You have been a great source of advice and humour on MN and I hope we can do something to help you, even if it's just to be a sounding board.

Wishing you strength and peace.

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney · 19/12/2006 12:13

expat did you leave the note? i think that's lovely advice from vvvqv, really.

munz · 19/12/2006 12:18

expat - I know you don't want to live on benifits/have credits again but how about housing benifits/reducions in council tax - are you entitled to any of those? might be worth looking into to see if you can claim something other than the credits.

Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 12:26

Yeah, I left him a note.

He left me one back.

We've been okay on the phone.

Mostly talking about the girls, though.

It'd be nice to go on the ferris wheel Thursday night, but we have to see who can look after the 'bairns'.

OP posts:
hannahsaunt · 19/12/2006 12:40

Expat - really sorry to read through this thread. I'm trying to think of people in Ed who could help. My SIL used to work as a support worker with Bethany and her role was supporting mums in difficult circumstances essentially. Sort of like HomeStart in some ways - it's not that you need anyone to help you with your parenting or lifestyle choices but wonder if they venture into relationship building so that you had someone who could give you and dh a couple of hours together every so often which could help. Will keep thinking. NCT is quite big in Ed - some of them do babysitting circles - could be worth looking into?

PeachyIsNowAChristmasFruit · 19/12/2006 12:45

I can understand the tax credits thing, we had to live for 4 weeks in the summer on £64. We still claim though, but that's largely because with the DLA part and DS's special diet- well you can imagine, it costs us £30 extra a week to feed just him. And with me at Uni...... quite.

Sounds like a horrid situation ExPat but do remember that abreak if you need it foedn't haev to e forever. FWIW the closest Dh and I ever came to breaking up (ie very close indeed, custody discussions underway) was when we worked opposite hours for childcare, the less we see each tohr the mroe we argue. Yo end up imo losing the special part of the relationship and keep the stresses.

Eventually though girls will be at school, and childcare won't be as much of an issue will it? Is it worth hanging on for that? I know they're small still, I also know just how quickly it does come around.

Storming out isn't a good way to behave, when Dh used to do this I got paranoid and as he did it a lot away from home ended up agoraphobic. In reality you need Relate counselling. Or at least to schedule in an hour of settlement time when you work these things out, then rule that they don't encroach into your other precious time.

Being a single Mum is no going t ruin yur LO's ives at all, you'd tell that to anyone, I know you would. You're strong and brave, and whichever way it goes you'll get there.

sunnysideup · 19/12/2006 13:10

I am sorry to see that things have been this bad, I've really liked alot of your posts expat so felt I wanted to add my voice to the others giving a bit of virtual support.

Your kids won't always be little and this much work. One day you and your dh will manage to have jobs that mean you get some quality time together.Hang in there.

And definitely, definitely STEP AWAY from your DH when he is 'interfering' with your dd or bascially doing something very differently from you. Don't put your oar in. Let them muddle along together and sort it between them. Undermining each other is so easy to fall into and so so bad for self esteem as a parent. There sound like there will be bound to be issues here as your DH stepped up to the mark and did so much parenting of dd1 when you were ill....

sunnysideup · 19/12/2006 13:11

Ha! Interfering with your dd obviously not meant in quite that way! Interfering with her play I meant to say!

noddyholder · 19/12/2006 13:19

expat don't want to make light at a difficult time for you but Green Card is my fave ever movie!I wonder what that says about me?I hope things get better for you I too have had a nightmare with tax credits they overpaid me on something at their own suggestion and then I had to pay it back so I do understand xx

Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 13:21

I think I might have to use some of my Xmas money to buy it on DVD, noddy!

I really, really like it.

I love that scene where he says, 'I am the husband! And that's my wife you're groping!'

OP posts:
Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 13:22

It's right up there w/the scene in Amelie, when Nino is in bed and those photos are talking to him:
Photos: She's in love.
Nino: But I don't know her.
Photos: You do.
Nino: Since when?
Photos: Since always. In your dreams.

Swoon!

OP posts:
gomez · 19/12/2006 13:25

EPIS sorry 'tis all a bit shit just now. I do hope you get a chance to talk over the holidays. Lots of tea and mince pies to be eaten in Stirling if you fancy a jolly jaunt. Take care.

MistleToo · 19/12/2006 13:26

Blimey expat!
What can I say? So sorry it's not working out.

danceswithreindeer · 19/12/2006 13:34

Expat - I love your posts so I just wanted to add my support too.

anniemac · 19/12/2006 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tamum · 19/12/2006 14:29

I'm so sorry, I missed all the start of this expat. I'm glad he's back but it sounds as though you have some tough times ahead- I really hope it works out. xxx

Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 14:32

It'll work out how it works out, tamum. It always does.

OP posts:
tamum · 19/12/2006 14:33

You know where I am if you need me!

Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 14:33

Indeed!

The holidays are such a busy time as it is.

At least the weather is fine and fair.

OP posts:
NbgSparklyYellowFeathers · 19/12/2006 14:37

Sorry to hear that Expat.
You always come across to me like your a very strong and determined woman. I'm sure you'll make yourself and your children happy whatever you decide to do.
All the best to you. xxx

tamum · 19/12/2006 14:38

It's lovely, isn't it- I am only at work tomorrow but I can always be contacted by email.

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