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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just walked out

233 replies

expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 19:44

We had another row. He left around 6.

Came back in briefly. Wouldn't take his jacket off when DD1 asked him to.

Said he'd 'Had enough of your (mine) shit' and walked back out.

Last week we had a row that went awry pretty badly.

I put some clothes out for him.

I'm sick his temper.

Of course, all the arguments are my fault. I don't listen. I talk over him. Etc. Etc.

Luckily tomorrow's my last day at work before the holidays so I'll be able to sort out childcare for hte new year.

But that's me single mum of 2 for now.

He wouldn't even talk to DD1. Of course, I'm sure that's my fault, too.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 19/12/2006 08:49

I agree with MT if you are sick and you sound like you really are the benefits system is for people like you.It would enable you to get well adn get your life back on track.I never thought this therad would be yours as you always sound so strong xx Hope things seem better on a new day

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2006 09:16

Expat,

Am very saddened to see your name at the start of this thread. You strike me as a very together person in RL and have always given good counsel. I hope you find the inner strength that you no doubt have to get through this difficult time.

Do a company called Sitters operate in your area?. They are very good with regards to babysitting children.

Bugsy2 · 19/12/2006 09:47

So sorry to hear this Expat. I'm sure you'll be able to get this sorted. Sounds to me like you are all tired & need a break. Lots of great advice already given, can't think of anything extra to add - just hope it gets better for you all.

Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 09:53

He was crashed out asleep when I left this morning.

I don't want to live off benefits. It's just not for me. He feels the same.

Besides, they'd NEVER be enough to pay our living costs - our rent alone is £505/month, plus £134 council tax, plus £86/month in power.

We have debt still from when the Tax Credits Office cocked up.

We don't dare claim tax credit anymore. NO WAY! We'd rather live on what we earn than have those bastards come back years later and say you owe them 7 or 8 grand.

We were so terrifying close to homelessness when they duffed us about. Needless to say, we'll never be Labour voters!

We'll just have to take each day as it comes.

We don't want to leave our children w/a sitter we don't know. They're just too wee now for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 09:53

I won't see him today, FWIW. He goes to work at 6 and SIL is running over at 5.30 to look after the girls till I get home.

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 19/12/2006 10:12

Expat at least ring the benefits office up or go to the CAB and see what is available to you. Those costs seem pretty average to me.

You wouldn't be 'living' off benefits for long - like AD's it will be a crutch to help you recover and get things on an even parr. It may just save your family. You have to explore the options at least.

KTreePee · 19/12/2006 10:12

Expat, you have often spoken very lovingly and postively about your dh before - it seems to me as an outsider that you love him very much but you both have a lot of stress in your lives...

I'm guessing that the reason you work opposite shifts (and so don't see a lot of each other) is so you don't have to pay for childcare...maybe it's time to reassess things and get some advice on how to claim what benefits/tax credits you are entitled to.... and maybe think about your dh changing jobs so you see more of each other. Working oppposite shifts is very hard on a relationship - been there, got the teeshirt....

Hope you two work things out before Christmas...

anniemac · 19/12/2006 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pinkchampagne · 19/12/2006 10:16

So sorry you are going through all this, expat.
I really hope you can work things out.xx

Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 10:18

Thanks, ladies!

I think the best thing is just to dodge along as best we both can.

We will NEVER do tax credits again. No way. We went through a 7 month long ordeal w/them, are still paying the debt off from it, and even though this is hard, we both agree we'd rather have it this way than ever go through that again. What a nightmare!

We're thousands of pounds in the hole after they cut us off.

We don't earn enough to afford childcare, even w/tax credits, anyway.

For now, it's best just to go day by day and not think too much, IME. We plan to do after school care when the girls get old enough.

I will not stop working. I really can't. I worked even when I was extremely ill.

B/c I'll always be the chief earner and having holes in my CV - for mental illness of all things. I know it's a shame, but it's how things are. That could really affect my job prospects in the future, and I can't have that. I have 2 girls to support.

Some jobs even ask you now about having taken time off.

OP posts:
Troutpout · 19/12/2006 10:19

Sorry expat
Hope things work out for you and your family

Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 10:19

I gotta say, thank &*£$ for ADs!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 10:21

Think I'm going to have to cut out my after-dinner coffee, though. My insomnia is awful again!

At least, 'Greencard' was on last night.

OP posts:
MerryMellowmas · 19/12/2006 10:21

I am on benefits. The most you get on incapacity is £92.50 a week. No rent paid either if your dh works more than 16 hours.

Although dh also gets the WTC & I get CTC, which bring it up a bit. Not a lot but we manage (just)

I can understand not wanting to go down this route, its hard managing

Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 10:24

Yeah, it's a no-go for us, Mellow.

Especially b/c I outearn DH.

Such is life.

It will move along no matter what.

I don't want to turn this into a pity party, b/c tbh I HATE that sort of thing.

I mean, shit, why not me? You know?

OP posts:
santasaltire · 19/12/2006 10:30

You know expat, i'm just an hour over the Forth bridge from you, if ever you fancy hopping on the train for the day, you are more than welcome to come and visit me, get a change of scene for a few hours.

Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 10:35

You know, salty, that sounds pretty nice, actually, especially as I'm off for the holidays here soon.

If you don't mind me w/one child in tow. I feel guilty if I don't spend time w/the girls when I'm not working or that, and like I'm burdening DH.

I'd feel less guilty if I took one child w/me and gave DH sort of a break.

We are very blessed in that DD1 is incredibly good natured, gentle and fairly quiet.

OP posts:
santasaltire · 19/12/2006 10:37

Cat me with your email address/phone number, and we will arrange something. When do you finish, and when are you back to work?

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons · 19/12/2006 10:38

expat I really do wonder if you are cutting off your nose to spite your face with the tax credits thing. From what you post about your finances things are pretty tight so you should be entitled to a reasonably substantial award. This is money that should be yours. I know you have been burnt previously, but if you really carefully worked it out and made sure that what they stated was correct and you were being paid the right amount then it shouldn't be a problem.

Or claim the credits and put half of it into a savings account not to be touched. And just spend the other half. That way you would have the money to pay back if required, or possibly a nice nest egg for the DDs.

Mumpbump · 19/12/2006 10:38

Expat - I am amazed that you have to pay the tax back when they got it wrong. Have you thought of posting in legal/money matters to see if anyone knows whether you can challenge this? Sorry if you have already done so...

Eeek · 19/12/2006 10:38

Sorry if this has been said but the differences in how you play with her and her LeapPad may be gender based. Did you see Child of our Time where they played with their kids and an Etch a Sketch? The parent and child had to try to produce a copy of a picture of a house. The fathers tended to be very directive and at the end had a pretty good copy. The mothers let the kids get on with it and said 'well done' a lot and their pictures were just a mess. The programme said both types of parenting were fine - as long as you had both. What I'm trying to say is that his way is his way, your way is yours, but both can be fine.

Original poster
expatinscotland · 19/12/2006 10:53

We didn't have to pay the tax back.

What we did have to do was live off £13,000/pa GROSS for months until DH found a job that would accommodate our childcare needs.

You can't live off that in this town w/a family. This is the third most expensive place to live after London and Bristol - its council tax alone is higher than some London boroughs, yet the average salary hovers around £18,000/pa.

After tax and NI, we were below the poverty level.

So we went into debt to pay the rent, council tax, etc. till he started working again.

We went back and forth w/the credit office, MP, ActionGroup - a charity, as DH has learning disabilities, our MSP, etc.

I was pregnant and working and already depressed again.

NO WAY we will EVER claim those things again.

OP posts:
charliecat · 19/12/2006 11:02

Expat, could you claim them. Put the money in a high interest account, and give them it back at the end of the year minus the interest?

JessaJingleBells · 19/12/2006 11:05

expat - seems as if everyone has already given you great advice and support (vvvvvqqqvvv - good as ever!).

I just wanted to add my sympathies...DH and I are going through one of those "bad years" (in my opinion anyway, not sure what he thinks...that's how good things are!) and I'm sure much is due to the fact he has been so busy that we hardly spend any 'proper' time together, chilling/chatting/laughing etc.

It is really hard living with someone when you barely have time to talk...everything has to be done quickly before something else crops up, so diplomacy, tact and sensitivity sort of buggar off for a while...

Hope it all gets sorted...take care

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons · 19/12/2006 11:05

So basically you were managing to live reasonably within your means on £13Kpa (your salary)plus the tax credits you were entitled to. Then they decided that you had been overpaid, pulled the rug from under your feet and said they were going to totally stop them in order to claw back the overpayment? But without giving you the opportunity to find extra income first.

That is really shocking. Did you not get any come back from all the people you contacted?

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