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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just walked out

233 replies

expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 19:44

We had another row. He left around 6.

Came back in briefly. Wouldn't take his jacket off when DD1 asked him to.

Said he'd 'Had enough of your (mine) shit' and walked back out.

Last week we had a row that went awry pretty badly.

I put some clothes out for him.

I'm sick his temper.

Of course, all the arguments are my fault. I don't listen. I talk over him. Etc. Etc.

Luckily tomorrow's my last day at work before the holidays so I'll be able to sort out childcare for hte new year.

But that's me single mum of 2 for now.

He wouldn't even talk to DD1. Of course, I'm sure that's my fault, too.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 18/12/2006 20:56

oh expat - if you have such a short time together each week, that's probably intensifying the rows.

When's the last time you went out together (without kids)?

Original poster
expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 20:56

I can't get in to see my psychiatrist till the first week of January.

I did get some more diazepam and that's helped me sleep some and also w/the panic attacks.

OP posts:
jeangenie · 18/12/2006 20:58

sounds like you need some times together

can you manage that at all?

me and DH went through a shit time at the end of the summer, really shit, it was as good as over...but we came back from the brink and just tried to bite our tonguesbefore weighing in. definitely would echo what someone said earlier about trying to get a more positive cycle established...should be kind of self perpetuating after a while (well, that'swhat I am counting on)

but you need some time together, away from the kids

5 hours in a week, that's not much, especially if there is a weeks worth of sniping to fit in

DumbledoresFairy · 18/12/2006 20:59

I am really sorry to read this from you Expat. Are you sure this is really IT? I get pretty mad with my dh from time to time -(right now for instance!) and think this is it, but it never really is. You have always seemed so sure about your husband, especially after the mistake of your first....

Original poster
expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 21:00

We were last out together w/no kids in June, when my parents were here.

His parents aren't in good health and SIL is a single mum who works full time as a hairdresser, usually the hours we could get out (her former partner looks after her kids whilst she's working if the kids aren't in school or after-school club).

We don't get time together. When we do, one of us is exhausted.

We live in an urban area, so we don't know any people w/kids who can help.

OP posts:
jeangenie · 18/12/2006 21:03

babysitting circle? I've heard about them but am not sure they really exist...

VeniVidiVickiQVatChristmas · 18/12/2006 21:03

Wouldnt it be lovely for your DD if you and Daddy were having a cuddle next time she saw you both together?

DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi · 18/12/2006 21:05

Expat, I was so surprised that this post was from you. You often post about your husband and I can't recall one negative thing that you have said about him.

I wonder if it would be possible for you to do a parenting course together. You each seem to feel that you are doing things the "right2 way and the other is doing things the "wrong" way. Perhaps a parenting course where someone else helps you to explore your parenting skills and attitudes might help you both?

In the meantime I really agree with vvvq's advice of trying to create a positive circle rather than a negative one even if it means that you have to bite your tongue and grit your teeth a fair bit.

I know that your housing isn't ideal and that you have been thinking about relocating, is there anything happening on that front that you could look forward to?

Mercy · 18/12/2006 21:05

Blimey expat, I didn't expect this to be your thread

Bottom line, do you want to be with him? Do yu have a future?

(with or without the dds)

Caroligula · 18/12/2006 21:09

Parenting courses are brilliant at helping you negotiate with partners/ other significant adults in a child's life, as well as with managing children's behaviour.

So sorry you're going through this right now Expat. I do hope you and your DH can work it out.

flutturkey · 18/12/2006 21:18

Oh Expat how horrible

Please listen to VVVQ she has some very wise words. I really think that the leaving a note idea is a really good one.

I really hope that their is a positive outcome to this situation for you.

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 18/12/2006 21:22

Expat -

I hope you hear from him soon and manage to talk without shouting.

Jimjams2 · 18/12/2006 21:37

Oh expat I am sorry.

xxx

morningpaper · 18/12/2006 21:42

Expat I'm so sorry, I didn't realise things were so grim, I thought things had improved for you two over the last year or so

x

Quootiepie · 18/12/2006 21:45

oh expat - DH has walked out on me a few times. I don't really know what to say {{hugs}}

whatwouldjesusdo · 18/12/2006 21:55

Oh no expat, how miserable. I do hope you can fix things with your dh.

fwiw, I wouldnt say anything at all in the situation you described about the Leappad, because its not actually harming your dd. just chill and let him mess up.

It is clear from your posts on mn that you havent messed everything up in your life. I had loads of opportunities myself when I was younger, and ended up penniless/divorced in an ex Council house, but with a lot of life experience. You havent failed at everything, you've just taken a different route through life maybe from what you thought you would when you were younger, or from what your family expected you would.

saadia · 18/12/2006 21:58

expat I am so sorry, I hope you and the dds will be alright and that you can all work through this.

lulumama · 18/12/2006 22:06

expat......at this risk of repeating what has probably already been said

firstly, i;m sorry that you and the girls are in this situation

secondly, you are an immensly strong, intelligent and self aware woman, and this will not destroy you

thirdly, you know all about therapy, relate , counselling etc..it is whether you feel it is worth it for you and the girls, or whether an end to it, is the right thing.....

i hope that you get through this, with suport , and however it is resolved, it is the right thing for you and the children

i will hug you ((hug)) even though you probably don;t do hugs

take care , expat

sandcastlesforanaussiexmas · 19/12/2006 03:36

Expat, what a horrible thing to have happen just before Christmas.

My thoughts are with you for a happy Christmas

alibauble · 19/12/2006 04:00

Expat I'm cating you just had this brought to my attention. OMG I'm so so sorry.

mamama · 19/12/2006 04:38

Expat, I'm so sorry.

Thinking of you and your DDs

x

BudaBauble · 19/12/2006 05:31

Sorry you are going through this Expat.

It sounds (to an outsider who knows sod all really but finds it easy to offer advice willy-nilly!) as if all the stresses and strains of your PND, both your work situations, your home situation etc etc is just piling up.

VVV's advice is good - as always.

It is a bit like parenting really - you picks your battles. He will always do things differently to you. That is life. you need to figure out if in the long run it is constructive to all of you to point it out negatively.

Hope today is a better day.

MerryMellowmas · 19/12/2006 08:11

Just seen this expat.

hope you are okay. I would help out with watching your girls you know, (bit weird coming from a stranger I know) after christmas and we should attempt to meet up.

Take dc out to soft-play or something (one next to dh gym) in Rest*g.

Or go out with NP and have some drinks.

anorak · 19/12/2006 08:31

Hi expat, I'm not around as much at the moment but I'm here if you want me, just CAT me. I hope you have a happy resolution to this, whatever it may be. xx

Monkeytrousers · 19/12/2006 08:35

Expat, why on earth are you working - you are sick!

Do you qualify for benefits? I'd advise you to 'go on the sick' due to your depression.

You are both going to run the relationship aground if you both continue working full pelt, never having time for yourselves as individuals and yourselves as a couple.

I fucking hate the way the system pits men and women with kids against each other and then holds its hands up in bewilderment at the divorce statistics!