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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just walked out

233 replies

expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 19:44

We had another row. He left around 6.

Came back in briefly. Wouldn't take his jacket off when DD1 asked him to.

Said he'd 'Had enough of your (mine) shit' and walked back out.

Last week we had a row that went awry pretty badly.

I put some clothes out for him.

I'm sick his temper.

Of course, all the arguments are my fault. I don't listen. I talk over him. Etc. Etc.

Luckily tomorrow's my last day at work before the holidays so I'll be able to sort out childcare for hte new year.

But that's me single mum of 2 for now.

He wouldn't even talk to DD1. Of course, I'm sure that's my fault, too.

OP posts:
Original poster
expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 20:30

It doesn't matter if I say it then and there or later, VVV, the reaction is always the same - I'm insulting him.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 18/12/2006 20:31

control issues - seriously not fun

is it always like this expat or are you both quite stressed at the moment?

brimfull · 18/12/2006 20:31

Have you tried counselling ,sorry you're going through this expat.
What about suggesting anger management for him,or will that go down like a lead balloon?

Original poster
expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 20:32

It gets worse the older she gets.

Also as my PND improves. Particularly w/DD1, he pretty much brought her up on his own the first year and a half b/c I was so ill.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 18/12/2006 20:34

so he got used to taking a leading role and is finding it hard to adjust to both of you doing the parenting?

VeniVidiVickiQVatChristmas · 18/12/2006 20:35

You need to stop doing that.

He was wrong to boss her about - but you cant keep 'disciplining' him in front of her. Its not fair. He shouldnt do it to you either if he does.

One of you has to take the first step in stopping it. If you think he isnt doing something right - save it (unless it is life threatening or something), and talk about it later.

But, instead of saying "you shouldnt do x y z like that", twist it into a positive. Say "DD really likes it when she plays with her LeapPad and makes it up as she goes along" or "DD likes to pretend she is showing you how to do it - that she is the teacher" or whatever. Give him a positive to work on. If you only approach him with a negative - he's not got much to work with - has he?

Once one starts to do it - the other should start to copy the others behaviour - its a positive circle rather than a negative one iykwim?

onzephyrstdayofchristmas · 18/12/2006 20:36

Expat that is exactly what our relationship was like and in the end dd got really upset anytime a voice was slightly raised. Even now a couple of years later she will tell us to stop even if we are messing around

It always kicked off if I asked him to do or not do something the way he was with her. It took for me to give him an ultimatum of him going to see the doctor about his temper or lose his dd. I had to literally spell it out to him that his behaviour was affecting dd. He had to go to the doc once a week for 6 weeks and they taught him to walk away from me instead of biting at everything I said.

Would he consider anything like that? It saved us.

VeniVidiVickiQVatChristmas · 18/12/2006 20:37

So he's had it pretty tough too then?

I know from DP that its not easy living with someone with PND and trying to deal with the children.

I think you both need to cut each other some slack.

He needs to cool his temper, but you need to temper what you say.....from what you tell me. If you want to work at it, that is.

brimfull · 18/12/2006 20:38

It took me a while to accept that everyone (dh included) has different parenting styles and just because he does it differently doesn't mean it's not valid or good for my dc's.
Children inherently know and deal with different parenting styles.

VeniVidiVickiQVatChristmas · 18/12/2006 20:38

Sorry - Im abbreviating my posts and they sound a bit cutting but I'm at work and I'm trying to be brief and work at same time

Monkeytrousers · 18/12/2006 20:39

oh no, sorry to hera this Expat. Is there any time you can just spend apart? It sounds like you were just driving each other up the wall, and I know what that's like.

DP here has got his act together over the last few weeks. Dropped all the shitty baggage and me too as I was just too exhausted dragging it round frankly. But I was literally on the point of walking out before he woke up to himself.

..but I know you've been pissed off with everything for a while. Do you still love him - or if not right at this moment, think you could love him again?

NotSoSilentMhamaiNight · 18/12/2006 20:40

Oh Expat, sorry this is happening to you. Hang in there girl. [hugs]

YeahBut · 18/12/2006 20:45

I'm really sorry to hear this, Expat. What do you want now? Do you want him to come back and sort it out?

andaSOAPBOXinapeartree · 18/12/2006 20:45

Expat - so sorry to hear this

It sounds like the old straw and camels' backs though!

You sound so weary and ground down in many of your posts right now - and have done for a while - and there are many of us who are really worried for you!

I just have no idea what to suggest - as a very good friend of mine,who is a GP, says - "some people are depressed because they've got shit lives and some people have shit lives because they are depressed, and in the vast majority of cases I've no bloody idea which way round it is!"

Would counselling help you both do you think - or has the relationship more or less run its course do you think?

The children are the bugger in all this though aren't they - I've done the walking away from a shit marriage before children, but I'm not sure I could do the same thing so 'easily' when there are children involved! Although, there comes a point doesn't there when it is impossible to go on no matter how important the children's happiness is!

Whatever happens though - you need to get this sorted out for all your sakes - and I wish you all the strength you need to do that!

Original poster
expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 20:45

That's excellent advice, VVV!

Thanks!

He's at work now, so I'll be asleep when he gets back.

OP posts:
Aderyn · 18/12/2006 20:47

Do you still have good times? Do you want to work things out?

I wonder if you watched Child of Our Time. There was an episode which showed how fathers tend to take over their children's games and pro-actively instruct and mothers tend to stand back and let their children discover things for themselves.

Whilst I have no way of knowing quite how your DH was interacting with your DD, I know my DH has a tednency to over-direct the DDs' play.

Does your DH suffer from low self-esteem/low confidence? Perhaps that is why he does not take criticism well.

SherlockLGJ · 18/12/2006 20:48

Would the proposed move help or hinder the situation ??

You are pretty cooped up where you are, are you not ??

Would you have a garden in the new place ?

Original poster
expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 20:49

We don't have many times at all, Aderyn.

We rarely see each other - I work days and he evenings and weekends.

Last week I saw him all of about 5 hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 20:49

Being cooped up sort of sucks.

OP posts:
Aderyn · 18/12/2006 20:50

I'm sorry things are like that Expat.

Original poster
expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 20:51

Such is life, Aderyn. This week, I'll see him all over about 3 hours.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 18/12/2006 20:53

is he having time off over Christmas?

Original poster
expatinscotland · 18/12/2006 20:54

No.

He works in a car rental place at the airport.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQVatChristmas · 18/12/2006 20:55

Expat - we have a similar situation - I work evenings and some weekends and he works days.

Its really puts the pressure on doesnt it?
Agree with what Soapy said - you have sounded quite down the last few weeks....

The time you do have together - gotta try and make it magical. There are more important things sometimes.....than daft tutorials on how to instruct someone on using a LeapPad

He sounds like he's a good man deep down. You sound like a fab mum. If you both stop digging your heels in, you'll find plenty to be happy for. Leave him a note when he comes home if you will be asleep....find something positive to say on it.....make the first move.

munz · 18/12/2006 20:56

expat, please feel free to ignore me (and hope I don't offend you at all)

but anyhow VVV's suggestion on the parenting thing is good, with DH I tend to say - did you know if u do this, or have u tried that type thing. and in turn he says to me have you seen what he does when you do that sort of thing??

also, I know how hard things are for you at times/why your DH has the 2 jobs, but is it at all possible for both of you to have some time together - jsut you to, possibly for him to get a job working the same sort of a time as you - how would childcare/finances work if he was to work say days and w/e's so you at least have nights together? possibly it's not helping you see so little of each other?

is there anything you do still love about each otehr? does he have time off over xmas so you could spend some quality time - not fighting/argueing etc with the girls? can anyone take the girls for you for a few hours if he has time off so you guys can have an evening alone - even if you swop houses with someone for a few hours if you can't afford a resurant, and do a nice meal at their house whilst they watch your DD's.

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